MOOP!

Today was a good day!

(We're gonna ignore the little voice in the back of my head that is being all "great, you've had a few good days in a row, now it's all gonna go to shit and tomorrow will be part of the h e l l z o n e again. No brain. Don't do that. It's okay to just be happy where we're at right now.)

Today was a good day, and I am pleased by it, and here are some of the things I got done:

*Went to bed late and woke up late, but did get eight hours slep, which is the general goal. Had time to muck about a bit before my class-times.

*During class times, I saw three students (woo!) and had enough time to clean off/organize my desk (I have not yet figured out how 2computers1desk works, but it'll sort out eventually). Then I had enough time to catch up on all my grading for my Algebra students. Yay progress!

*Went to the RSCDS@home lesson, had a splendid time! Was pleased enough with the teacher that I sent him a nice email after, which is hopefully charming and not irritating. Also, he finished with "let's do an auld lang syne all across the world, cross those arms now" and wow did I fucking _shatter_ at that. It's interesting what it is that catches me out and reminds me "everything is wrong and it hurts so much"

*After that I ate lunch and played some Animal Crossing for a bit.

*Office Hours did not have any students show up *but* I was again work-productive (whaaaaaat) and managed to do all the grading for my Data Analysis seniors *and* submit their grades for progress reports. Those aren't due until Friday, so this is _deeply_ unprecedented.

*I actually made it to bells tonight --I've missed the last two weeks for reasons largely related to "pandemics are hard on the brain". Bells is, as always, fucking weird, but I did a successful touch of Cambridge minor (a bob at every lead end) (immediately preceded by a mostly successful plain course, in which I fucked up enough at the beginning that my brain decided very firmly it was going to do The Thing. I am glad I kept pushing through and didn't quit bells tonight despite it, I did mostly level out.)

Also rang GrandsireTrips (which I didn't think I knew? I still don't know if I know it, but the ringingroom runs slowly enough that I can fake it) and StedmanTrips (from the tenors, yes both of them! I know that's only one brain's worth of stuff and it's not actually impressive, but I'm pleased). Also spent quite a bit of time pub-chatting with various people, most of whoms voices I am _so happy_ to hear.

*Post bells was dinner (mostly eaten while listening to pubchat) and then chilling out while Ez did some Animal Crossing, and then realizing "oh hey, now is an optimal time to _actually work on Melody_ and do some stuff! So I did the absolute briefest searching on "how to import external hard drive" (first impressions: this is gonna suck, probably almost as bad as installing, *but* there's a way to just brute force the damn thing involving "use a working mac and a USB key to transfer the critical stuff")

*And then I did a bit more work with downloading A Music Software! Smammy recommended I try Quod Libet and on first pass it seems to do many of the things I am looking for. For trial reasons, I have downloaded all of my bandcamp purchases (which apparently included buying Wonders twice, NO REGRETS). This means my current library is about 515 tracks, 33% of which is s00j.

(About 20% each of Kate Nyx and Homestuck, and then the remaining 25% is "etc". I've got a W/IFS album, some Vienna Teng, some AJA, one musical, and a couple random internet things I bought at some point along the way. I am still looking forward to having access to EVERYTHING again, but this will be a good start!)

*I have also declared unto myself that I will be hanging out in Discord only on Melody, if at all possible, and not on the work computer anymore. Critically, this gives me the option of potentially trying to make a work discord account.

*Also, the "play fewer dumb phone games" strat that Jenn and I worked out yesterday has been successful for a first pass today, although it doesn't _really_ count since I didn't have any department meetings. We'll see what tomorrow brings!

I'm happy. It's been a good few days and I am happy for that, and that is a good thing, and the hell zone will happen when it happens and that will be okay too. I hope all of you are doing as well as you can. You have my love.

~Sor
MOOP!

I am still in California. Or, if I never bothered to mention it properly, I am in California!

Spending all my time with someone creative in the same ways in which I am creative has been really good for me. I am still Woefully Unemployed (TM), but I've also drawn a couple things, and written a couple things, and best of all, three days ago, the clone looks up at me from our Left 4 Dead game and says "wanna write a collaborative story about a zombie apocalypse?"

So that's been going very well, and I've written like 4500 words of characters I haven't used in a while fighting zombies. Which is pretty damn great.

We've also done some cooking experiments (which resulted in bacon-wrapped potato bites!) and playing way too much Left 4 Dead (<3333!) and spending too much time on Tumblr and not enough time watching Doctor Who, but whatever, honestly. Theoretically, I can watch that on my own. Keeping up with the reblogs is tres important, zohmgar. :P

Mek might've gotten me hooked on Fallen London, or at least starting to be hooked on Fallen London. I am currently more frustrated than pleased by the throttling of actions. I appreciate that they're keeping me from wasting all my time on there, but man, I have been running out of actions quickly and that's annoying, especially when I'm still very badly in explore mode and trying to figure out the game. We'll see if it sticks at all.

I miss Boston. I miss dancing. I might claim to miss being too cold, but judging by how I actually respond to temperature, it's a dirty lie. But I'm happy I'm here because...there's a reason I call him clone faster than boyfriend. Mek gets me like no one else. The conversations we have tend to be long, meandering, weird and utterly fabulous. When's the last time you jumped from Neil Poon Handler to Oglaf?

The hope of course is that I'll go home and be rejuvenated, ready to try again being a real adult. We'll see if it works at all. I am in turns optimistic towards how lovelyinteresting this summer could be (Pinewoods in July, and Alys might visit me) and shaking with fear at the lack of funds and lack of impact I am having on the world.

In the meantime though, I'm going to clutch at this creative paradise while it is still accessible to me. Lying in bed all day in my underwear writing might not sound to you like such a beast, but oh, am I satisfied.

Even if it is too damn hot.

~Sor
MOOP!

Original Tags: musings, qlife, cloneness, snowtown, writing

I don't wanna go to physics class, I wanna go back to snugglin' Brenton before he leaves for a month and then I want to play with my bicycle which means roam around and get a helmet and lock and stuff even if they are going to cost me a zillion dollars because dude, necessary.

Have I mentioned here that I have a bike now? This is basically the most exciting thing ever, and I will give you a better reaction tomorrow, which is officially play on my bike for the first time day (after therapy and before homework).

Anywho, gonna sundriespost later today, as well as try and refine the thing I wrote last week after Tech Squares so it is a little less abrasive (I got...ranty about dancing of various sorts) also, apparently I have to fight Kendra sometime because two couple dances should start ones and threes zohmgod¹. Yeah, aforementioned unposted post talks about that some too, as that seems to be my current campaign.

ANYWAYS, I should throw a bag together properly so that I can go to class and then to Diesel (where I will write my words for the day and arrrrrrg notime) and then to Tech Squares and then to...somewhere. I don't know. Byeeee!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: This is me being passionate about SCD, meaning ninety-five percent of you can safely ignore it. Also, she's probably right, in terms of the dance being properly done and remaining in the established formalities of the form, but I'm also inclined to say that I'm probably right, in terms of everyone getting to dance as much as possible.

In short, I am sorry Kendra, I like you and do not actually want to fight.

A bunch of years ago, I had a summer where multiple people admitted to being into me, which was both awesome and more than a bit "what?" But the end result was that I made a comment-screened post on the subject, asking "why?!"

((Sometimes I am unabashed in my need for ego-boosting))

A couple weeks ago, I was having a conversation with a friend in which they mentioned "I have no idea what boys see in you"¹. Because I am the queen of insidiously low self-esteem, my response was the highly rational and very helpful "I don't know either."

It triggered thought though, and so I've spent spare brainwaves from the last few weeks trying to sort out just what it is exactly that makes me That Girl. It remains a very true observation that I am --people, especially boys, like me. I can't help this, nor do I particularly want to, really.

The callous and to my mind logical first thought of "they like me because I put out" is presumably untrue, since as far as I can tell, nothing about my public persona indicates that I do so for strangers, and it's not like I have sex particularly indiscriminately, or really, much at all. Everyone I've shared a bed with over the last four years was a friend first, which means that they liked me *before* we got naked. Furthermore, I have male friends who would probably be quite willing to get sexy with me, but we specifically haven't, and they still find me worth hanging out with. So, whatever it is, it's not the sex thing.

The theory that I've been working on that I feel has the most weight to it is closely related to an essay that was posted on Polyamorous Misanthrope, and brought to my attention by Gabity-Gabe. The essay is about a boy who is extremely well liked by women, and posits that the reason he is so well-liked is because he genuinely enjoys the company of and platonic interaction with women. He doesn't just talk to women in the hopes of pussy, but because of the actual person around it.

Pretty much my whole life, I have had close male friends, often more so than female ones. This is because I really quite like males. I could not tell you what particular quality that leads me to enjoy male company more than female, but there must be some reason that makes it easier for me to make friends with other boys² than with other girls². I really do honestly enjoy the company of males, even when I'm not expecting to sleep with them.

This idea is strengthened by a theory I've had for a good long time now --namely, that someone being attracted to you is a *deeply* attractive trait. So, using that, we get the idea that my enjoying the company of males is something that they enjoy, and makes them more likely to enjoy the company of me.

Going even deeper with the above thought, we reach the idea that I am, for whatever degree of intensity or intimacy, attracted to a noticeable percentage of humanity. I fall just a little bit in love every other time I get on the subway. While I have definite physical types I prefer, none of them matter in the presence of an honest smile. If you're reading these words, I am probably attracted to you, at least a little bit, because you are human and alive and I find that absolutely fascinating. Humanity is beautiful, and each individual uniquely so.³

I've got a few other ideas as to what it is my boys see in me as well (and I haven't even engaged in the highly scientific response of just asking them and seeing if there are any common patterns) but I think that the fact that I really like boys, for who they are, is a pretty good start.

And now I open it up to you guys. What is it that people see in That Person that makes them so bloody attractive? Why do certain people just attract everyone and manage to get all the dates?

And sure, let's be egotistical here. What is it about me specifically that's just so damn attractive? Because I *still* don't see it.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: This made sense in context
2: My mind *insisted* that this wording was correct, and I can't really say I disagree with it.
3: Man, I am such a hippie some days. But it's true!

If I try to change the subject, that's because I don't want to talk about it.

One of my coping mechanisms --hell, my most used coping mechanism-- is to write. One line posts, quick rants, strings of curses...whatever. I fire it out, and a lot of the time, I don't bother to proofread or think much about it.

This is what twitter is for, after all. Letting people know the mood of that particular instant.

That particular instant. Moods don't last, and I've had more than a few awkward conversations because I let the walls down too low one night and hadn't found a way to hide that fact the following day.

The second most used coping mechanism is to mask. To find so many distractions, splatter myself across the internet, talk to so many people at once that I can't help but put on a happy face and pretend everything's alright. If I pretend enough, it can't help but become real.

However, masking takes a little bit of energy. It's a fragile goddamn process, and while I'm working on it, it's very very delicate. Trying to undistract me, pointing me back to whatever caused me to need to mask in the first place Just Doesn't Help.

So, why am I crying/upset/frustrated/hiding/etc? Because I'm in this shithole of suburbia. Because I'm sleeping alone at night. Because it's been x days since I've seen him or him and it doesn't fucking matter what number x is, it's too fucking high. Because I'm too introverted for this household, and I can't always have people nearby, and without people, I have to be by myself. Because when I'm by myself, I have to deal with myself, and in case my wildly zaphodic ego wasn't enough of a hint, I do not always or even often get along with who I really am.

Because I hate it here, and I can't escape. There *isn't* an escape here. I can go play on mein Das Nonstop-Programm¹ or climb my tree or do any one of another million things that will unthrill my mother and result in annoyed phone messages.

Because I hate it in my head, and without distraction, I *really* can't escape. Let me find my fucking distractions, okay? Or seriously, GTFO, because it doesn't help. Star-hugs-star only works so well, and it's really just well enough.

No. I don't want to talk about it.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Very obscure reference. Don't feel like explaining, figure out a way to search my journal or something, as I'm relatively sure I've reff'd it before.

THOUGHTS WHILE PACKING:

1548:

Man, my folder of worship is getting *awesomely* full. One Comedity print, original art by Randy Milholland, Randall Munroe, and Jeph Jacques, a random commision of a dinosaur I bought at AnimeBoston, Hiro's milk mustache ad, the picture of me that Dominik used as a print for his portfolio, and my still alive index cards.

And that's not counting the Maryland folder of worship which contains an obscene amount of KattersArt, and my original sluggy art.

(For reference, the folder of worship is basically full of everything that goes on the wall of worship. So, not real posters, but Other Cool Things. I should put the ST article I ripped out of a magazine in there too.)


1557: Dude, that's James Bond? What the hell is James Bond music doing in my iTun...ohyeah. Thanks Talia!

1636: Unrelatedly to anything (I'm fine today, just a little stressed out) I find it really interesting that, one of the things I do when I'm trying really hard not to start crying in public, is to begin seeing how much of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy I can recite.

Granted, this somehow backfires as I originally began to learn hitchhikers as a self-masochistic way to illustrate the 2718.89 miles between me and my clone, and if I think too hard about that I'll be depressed, but still, just as a "shit shit I need to distract myself from everything in real life" it works like a charm.

1925: ...Ohyeah, I was working on this. Well, I mean, Ria was all "doof?" and dhs was all "I'll bribe you to come to Diesel with the offer of giving back your clothes" and so I went and got dinner with Ria and Mando (who recently dyed his hair BLUE and so now looks not unlike a character of mine) and then went to Diesel where I stayed for like...an hour or something. On the wicked plus side, I was finally properly/formally introduced to sunspiral, which is exciting. *adds him as a friend*

Now all I need to do is properly meet Cthulia and I'll be able to officially consider myself a Boston based fen.

2137: Did I really just spend the last two hours reorganizing my friends lists, again? Fuck. Me.

2224: You know what I want to know? I want to know how long it would've taken me to meet and become friends with Janny without the sluggy.net link. I think the only other person on my friends list who I could say pretty confidentally that I would meet without however I met them having happened is dan4th. And maybe very vaguely possibly Magus, but only insomuch I would've started to meet him at Balticon '06 rather than Origins '04

I'm attempting to clean out my gmail inbox, ie, archiving everything I'm done with. I had 1209 messages from 2008 sitting in my inbox waiting to be archived and about 4500 overall, I am *hilariously* bad at this, and not just because of the several hundred comment threads of doom I'm ignoring with mek.

OH! And I might be going to GenCon this year!! Mom's going, and if I can get the time off from wherever I will be working, there was an implication of me being able to booth babe for Joan. :D!

2237: So, something Tristan asked me right when we found out we were both virgos¹ was "So what's your neurosis?" I can't remember exactly what I answered --almost certainly my default compulsion, the fact that I clean my glasses overly often, and every single time I ever get into a conversation about OCD or neuroses. *speaking of which, cleans 'em now. Sigh*

But I think my current big one is the neck thing. I hate hate HATE having my neck touched, it freaks me out. Occasionally, I'll just freak out about the fact that I have a neck for no good damn reason which pisses me off, especially when I get the "ohgodohgod, need to have nothing near my neck, RIGHT NOW" Necklaces and collars I can take off. T-shirts are harder. Skin is impossible.

I was idly thinking about this, and about the fact that, when doing the cuddling/petting/caressing fan situation that I seem to find myself in a lot, if someone gets their hands too close to my neck, I will invariably move their hands down.

At some point, I am going to inadvertently move their hands down to far and accidentally cause someone to grope me. Stupid fucking neuroses.

2301: Oh, bitches!! So, I'm looking at my class schedule, and the creative writing class I really wanted to take because hey --Sorcy likes creative writing!-- takes place on Thursdays. From 6:45 to 9:15 PM.

Yeah, when is Concord based contra again? What's that? Exactly that time? What the fuck Belanie. What the fuck.

(So now I have to decide if I'm going to try and find another class to take instead or if I'm just going to not start doing contra up here until next January --I suspect one of the deciding factors in which I choose will be how much contra I get in over the summer.

Still though. Bitches.

0019: QUOTE OF THE DAY:

JoshZed:
this is more of the strong evidence that I'm really a 1 on the Kinsey scale
or close to it
I mean, if Randall doesn't do it for me, who will?

(Good lord, has the concept of sexing up Randall Munroe become a *theme* in my livejournal? That's either terrifying or awesome.)

Also, I am amused that I started this as 'thoughts while packing' and haven't actually packed anything in seven hours or so.

0101:

NEW Quote of the Day!

"Do I want to know why you are interested in my lovelife?"
"Because human interactions of all sort fascinate me."
"Any sort of interaction is fascinating if it involves cherry-flavored lube!"
[Immediate follow-up comment] "...........I did not just type that.........."

0112:

OHMYGOD.

Does the world love me? I don't actually know. But the world might!

But...not being at movie night.

But Satanic motherfucking Mechanics!

Ohhhh, I should not be forced to have decisions like this...

0222: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Sor? Fuck you. Go do your paper. Like...now. Just because you know damn well you're not going to be sleeping tonight is no reason to not get the paper done early.

P.S: What is your plan, to sleep on the floor or something eventually? You're incredibly fucking stupid, I hope you're aware of that. Also, a week of sleep-dep? What makes you think you'll even be able to potentially *begin* to make it to Rocky? Yeah, that's what I thought. Tell your terminal optimism to fuck off.

Allfornow

~Sor
MOOP!

1: heh, I almost wrote that as 'virgins'. Oops.

Life rules because:

A) Monday became senior "prank" day, as it was the last day of just classes (All the rest of this week is filled with sitting on my butt being bored watching idiots play with condom-balloons wishing death upon my asinine classmates graduation rehersals.) Senior prank was origninally going to be a giant conga line through the school, but it sorta turned into just a giant mass of running and yelling and enjoying ourselves.

It rocked. A hundred people, wearing leis, screaming "07"...it was HIGHLY fun to do. And since there was so many of us, there was just no rational way that they could figure out who to punish, or carry out punishments for all of us, meaning we got off with nothing more then a delicate slap on the wrist.

Plus, I got to spend the rest of Monday (After the disrupting all the underclassmens classes :D) playing on a computer in Mr. Heurich's room. Which was nice.

B) Monday night was the wonderful Slashy McSlasherson III madamluna's birfday! I wound up hanging out with her, and a while heap of elljayless but awesome guyfriends, and eating sinfully good food at PFChangs. And stories about sea turtles. XD

C) Did I mention yet that I NEVER HAVE TO TAKE A HIGH SCHOOL CLASS AGAIN, EVER!!!!

Yeah, I'm reasonably psyched. You know. Just a little pleased. :D!

D) To make up for the fact that I have to attend all the graduation rehersals and sit with Becky and pound our heads against walls at the fact that everyone around us is a fucking MORON, the school let us seniors out early. Yay! So I've been chilling out, watching Robot Chicken, and revelling in the fact that Nik is still in school for another half hour.

E) I'm sure I'll think of other excellent reasons why my life rules later. In the meantime, I have graduation announcements I ought to be working on.

~Sor
MOOP!

Original Tags: life, luna, school, assholes, senior, birthdays, graduation, happybox

So yes. Theres life.

Today is officially homework day, although we'll see how well *that* works. Stupid fisking English class with it's unreasonable deadlines and vague objectives. *shakes fist*

Today is unofficially day after everyones birthday day, although a quick peruse of my friends list seems to point out that vvalkyri is older today. So yay to her! And yay to Fish and McGig and Dan and Koob for yesterday, since I was lazy and bad at agknowladging that.

Lifes been uneventful lately. Well, alright, not so much yesterday since I got to go to PORT DISCOVERY!! THAT was COOL! And I got to eat cake! Delicious, Koob-designed, ednoria-made cake! It was very much a five year olds cake, and very very very good.

And Port Discovery rocks. And I got to run around and play pretend with aramintamd's eldest which was major fun, especially as I haven't played with her in a lonnnnng time. So whoot for that!

And afterwards, Nathen drove me to the awesome korean supermarket he's found and I bought a whole bunch of origami paper! Let the secret project commence!!

Wow, I love that man. Everyone should, he's just freaking AWESOME!

Learned more of my kung fu form. I should go practise that. Back secondish.

*bach* voot, I haven't forgotten it yet.

Truly, a wonderful achievement. What's it been...sixteen hours since you did it last?

Hey, shut up, bitch!

You...uh...do realize that carries over, right?

Yes. Yes I'm calling myself a bitch. But you *are* being a bitch.

Naw, I'm just sarcastic! Surely your cynical mind can handle that, can't it?

No one likes you.

Don't go all Her on me.

NO one likes Her.

This is a very true thing. The first intelligent thing you've said all day.
*ducks*
*wacks*
You bitch.

Thanks, I love you too.

...I should cease the babbling...Hey!...and go back to talking about life.

Woot, life.

So uh yeah. Spring Break really ain't doing anything for me. Just being confusing, and pointing out that I need to work on prom and life and school and such.

Although, in other news, I seem to have found myself a fursona of sorts. Namely, as a bat-type with a fox tail. Mostly because having wings? REALLY FREAKING COOL!

I think that is all. Physics time! *dances*

...Shut up. I don't need your mainstream odd looks anyways! Physics is phun. :p

~Sor
MOOP!

P.S: On the last entry...first off, thank you. Second off, it looks to be resolving itself, and hopefully will.

...gawd, I hate waiting.

Original Tags:life, selfchat, unfiled people-alsoreal, birthdays, art, loot, kung fu, origami, links, school-shottwork, school, school-homework, nathen

In the recent past, I have heard some exceptionally funny good quotes. Since I'm bad at keeping a quote of the day, heres a bunch of them at once:

"She doesn't look like a cat! She looks like a fetish woman in a bondage suit!!" (My friend MadamLuna on Catwoman in the new movie coming out)

"I wanted to be a marine until I relized I'd have to kill people. And I don't like killing people." (This kid John in my Math class.)

"I am gay. G-A-Y. Like, gay as in happy, only not happy, homosexual." (My friend Leah (quite the little flamer) explaining to another friend that, belive it or not, she was a lesbian.)

"If I were a gay guy, I'd so do you!" (My friend Aly (spelled wrong probably) to Jonny on a day that he looked sexier then normal.)

"It looks evil, like it's going to lick me." (Emily about a peanut butter and pickle sandwich I had made, which had a bit of pickle sticking out like a tongue...and we all agreed that it tasted pretty good)

"You know what I've learned about boys? Many of them are quite nice to look at, just don't talk to them." (Anne in a very long and odd conversation we had today in gym. *makes a mental note to get the rules for guys about girls up here at some point*)

And on a similar note to that last one, there are also guys who may not be as hot to look at, but you slowly go insane when you DON'T get to talk to them. Luckily for me, most of the guys I know are hot and fun to chat with.

Does that make me petty? Or are they not *really* hot and it's just that I know them so well that their personality completely overwhelms anything else they've got. Leah brought this up to me once, when she heard that I had called her sexy. She is a very beautiful person, but what makes her sexy is how hyperactive and FUN! she is to be around.

And of course, the quirkiest one of all, sexy, sexy Jonny, is a little flamer. *sigh*

~Sorceress/Kat

MOOP!

Original Tags quotes, luna, cloneconvo-fin, food, leahwolf, sexuality

NTS: TW abusive ex, in the comments. <3, futureKat

( Rant on relationships, mainly highschool/teenage ones. )

Yeah. PPMO, thats all.

~Sorceress/Kat

MOOP!

Original Tags: cloneconvo, sexuality, gendersex, tagged, relationships, rants
-or-
therapywarning, rants,15!sor was a nightmare, gendersex, read-the-comments, relationships, cloneconvo, retrospective