MOOP!

(I think I did the backdating correct --I posted this to Facebook last Monday, 5/6. I'm crossposting it here, quite literally so I can link it to my therapist since Facebook is a stupid walled garden.)

I think I'm leaving dance early tonight, and I'm incredibly disappointed to be doing so.

Someone arrived without a mask. The person was standing out, not dancing. After about 20 minutes, I was able to grab the box of masks and offer it to them. The person vehemently refused. I finished the dance I was currently doing, about as dissociated as I ever get (sorry Janet, you deserve a partner who can pay attention to you) and walked out.

This is a person who is on the mailing list, who knows that we dance masks required on the first Monday. They said they were just there to drop something off. I'm frustrated that they couldn't figure out another compromise if they weren't willing to mask.

I'm disappointed that I won't feel safe doing Scottish Dance for another month now. We have a hobby that involves breathing heavily while very close to each other. I don't feel safe doing that hobby in mask-optional zones, with people who have made it clear that they are not considering covid caution in other realms of their lives.

So far I haven't had covid, which I feel very lucky for. Everything I've heard about it tells me it's deeply unpleasant. It can cause damage to your immune system, to your brain, to your heart. I don't want to get it and, if I'm unlucky enough to have it without realizing, I really really don't want to pass it on to anyone.

I appreciate that some of my other hobby spaces do include people who are mindful of the risks, and keep track of various metrics to collectively judge/decide when things are lower/higher risk and what precautions should be taken. I appreciate having a boss who offers to mask when meeting with me. I appreciate having family and lovers who communicate about when they've most recently tested, what risks they're taking.

And I miss feeling like I am a welcome or included part of the Scottish Country community.

(Updates include this post I made here originally and the fact that progress has maybe kinda sorta been made on the queer scottish thing I'm trying to do.)

~Sor
MOOP!

OKAY HI!

I just slept for...like the better part of ninety minutes? Basically crashed at about 9 and didn't make it back up until about 10:30. But the good news was that was after PowerHour, so it was nice to do that? And in PowerHour I helped make dinner and I washed the dishes and I read my book!

I didn't get home until seven, but that's because I had the big work-stack --work, then meeting with Christine about licensure and my observation today, and then curriculum committee, and then therapy, and then I was gonna leave but I got _really_ into listening to a three-hour Wellerman youtube vid while doing all my remaining grading. So now everything is graded for the rest of the year except like...six warm-ups and the final exam. And all the late shit my students turn in late when they realize their grades are shit and don't hafta be.

But yeah, I left school after six (normal but not actually contractually allowable --I am supposed to leave the building by six, which happens...I dunno, half the time?) but it was a good after six, and I must've been in a quite good mood because I sang songs the whole way home and that was pretty nice.

(My emotional regulation is all hinky because covid-bullshit-trauma-dissociation, so I wouldn't have actually called my mood happy, but I think I just need to shift all my baselines and look for new identifiers of things like this. If I am singing as I walk through the streets of my town, that deffo seems like things are either quite alright or _really fucking bad_ and I know it wasn't the latter one.)

Andsoyeah. PowerHour covered washing dishes and helping make dinner and eating dinner and chatting with Ezri and Rey a bit about stressy-stuff. And then sitting down with my book (I've gotten far enough in the Peter Wimsey mysteries that I am rereading Murder Must Advertise and I am _pumped_! I last read this one like...in October maybe? Early November? Anyways, it's fabulous and I don't normally reread books quite this close together, but I am four chapters in and _really_ enjoying the different perspective of having seen the good Lord do other mystery things along the way.)

And then I slept and that's how we got here! If I finish my words quickly enough, I will be able to go into a bed and sleep for ~six whole hours~ in the bed. This is very exciting for me, and probably explains part of why I'm so fucked up right now.

Anyways, I hope you are well and that your life is charmed and good.

~Sor
MOOP!

It's been a long series of _very bad_ brain days, with no end whatsoever in sight. Like, there are individual events I'm excited for, but at this point I'm sorta fucked up enough that I don't think I remember how to be generally functional for the times in between. It's...you know. It's the logical conclusion of over a year of pandemic.

Anyways, today was one of those days in which I realized I'd really _badly_ hit the wall and I attempt to make some positive changes. Or at least, if not proper change, at least try and do a few positive things today? I dunno. I walked a lot, and saw some birds. I took a shower. I actually washed the fucking dishes. Progress is slow but existent. Someday I will do grading again, it's been a while.

One of the biggest problems of the immediate past (which was less of a problem up to like Feb/Mar) is that I've completely abandoned the idea of "sleep", which inevitably is leading to everything else being shittier and harder. Lots and lots of just falling asleep at my laptop at weird angles, which is...not helpful for anyone! Significant amounts of bedtime revenge procrastination, where I decide that eleven thirty at night is an excellent time to open up the SCP project and read a few dozen files (it's not). Sigh. My hope for tonight was absolutely to get to bed on time, I did a social instead, but maybe can reach bed by midnight at least?

The fact that it's been a fairly cold May has not helped. As Rey pointed out, it's getting warm enough during the day that the house-heat isn't running as often, and that's fine...during the day. But then we don't have enough of a cushion, and it honestly feels ludicrous to push the thermostat up as we approach summer. I think I would prefer it if we just had a few more warmer days.

Anywho, I am still alive and to the best of my knowledge have not given anyone Covid, so I'm doing as well as can be expected of anyone. More than that is just extra credit at this point.

~Sor
MOOP!

So it helps, I think, that even though New Years is an incredibly important holiday to me, it is also one that is already badly fragmented and does not have any consistent rituals to it. Because The New Years Party had its last year a decade ago, and the time since has been split between the small little shindigs and the almost-good-enough sprawl of Hogmanay.

(that is not to say that Hogmany is not utterly amazing --it is a wonderful event and I genuinely adore it and it's really wonderful and fantastic as its own thing. But my brain is never quite going to forget my childhood enough to let me view any New Years Party as completely independent. Hence: almost-good-enough.)

But yes! For the last decade-ish, I've been bouncing back and forth year-to-year between mom and Hogmanay which means that...there...isn't a set New Years ritual that always happens. There's at least two, and they cross over with each other a little bit (I call the boyfriends who are far away to wish them a kiss) but they're not the same and so...I'm already used to that.

It made this year easier, let me fuckin' tell you.

Because right, I'm in the global bad place that we're all in right now, and obviously if you saw yesterday's trainwreck of a post you know that I specifically am in a not-great place, and then here we come to one of the holidays I really give a shit about and I'm spending it with no one but my roommates who I love but have seen every single day for many hours for basically the last ten months without a break.

But...I...don't have things to miss? Not in the same way as Christmas, where there are rituals to maintain like eating grapefruit and early morning talks with Alys. All the stuff I am missing from being home with mom, well, I'd miss that any year I was at Hogmanay instead. All the stuff I'm missing from my big sprawling dance family, well, I'd miss that any year I was in Texas. All the bellringing that happens for first night, well, I've pretty much resigned myself to being triple booked and never making that happen ever anyways.

So this year I just took all the things I would usually miss and combined them into one pile and yeah, I miss them all, sure. But I spent a lot of time on Discord with the bellringers, and a short time on zoom with the Hogmanay folks (I successfully sang Auld Lang Syne with the crowd and then turned off my camera --a thing I find verboten with zoom because I'm a teacher and I know how badly it sucks to not have cameras on-- in order to sob deeply into my arms for a moment).

And this year I'm not going to fall asleep wrapped in the arms of someone I love¹ but shit, that's happened before and I do have Emily the elephant and Lazarus and Lemonsnout and Fat Steggy and Beatriz and Carey-Ann and CathyDoll and the whole squad of smolfriends (Boris, Cardamom, trans-thulu, Lowell, Nelly) and like...as a grown ass adult, if I want to fall asleep on New Years Eve in a pile of well loved stuffed animals that is 100% my prerogative and it's gonna be awesome yanno?

The dividing line between the years seems so much smaller right now, because like...we have fixed so little of the fundamental problems that made 2020 bad. But the shift always does mean hope, and that's a good thing. Maybe tomorrow I'll think of longer term goals and wishes for the future and a summary of what I'm trying to work on in my life, but right now I'm happy to just go wash the fun makeup off and smile about still being able to see people I love, from tens and thousands of miles apart.

Often on New Years, I give kisses to the people around me --very few on the lips these days² but lots on the cheek. If that's a thing that would feel nice to you, you may assume I've given you one. It's a wish for the future! For a better future than right here.

Do what you can to make the future better, okay? I love you and hope you're well.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: This statement is a lot more complicated than it sounds right now, unfortunately.

2: I am positive for HSV-1, which is the oral herpes that 60-90% of the adult population of the US tests positive for. I try to be cautious with this.

Having joined Habitica again, I'm not using it very well. Something about it being the ~weekend~ and therefore not having to do things as much or something. Hopefully I will get my ass together and do better again tomorrow?

(I feel like maybe I am starting to slide out of a mild hell zone? This is interesting, but not unsurprising, that I seem to be able to recognize the Hell Zone more accurately when I am leaving it rather than entering. But maybe a good sign always is whether or not I've got the self discipline to sleep in a real bed, vs falling asleep on the couch for a while before going to bed.)

((There is definitely a somewhat different feel to the household on weekends, if only because suddenly Ezri's not working. It changes the overall house culture, yanno? Like, if I'm not doing work but they are, there's some degree of...guilt or accountability or something like that. (sidebar to Ezri: This is in no way meant to be judgemental or guilt-inducing, please enjoy your weekends!)))

***

Yesterday I fainted for the first time in my adult life. Extremely likely that it was lack of food/very low blood pressure/the usual low iron but worse. I actually hit the ground though (which meant I got to have a very charming conversation with Ezri where I went into the living room and was all "um...did you...hear a thump a moment ago?" and Ez saying that they had indeed, and had called "are you okay" and gotten no answer, but then heard me stirring so did not go investigate.)

Obviously I did some self-care immediately afterwards, mostly of the "drink a lot of water, eat anything, eat salt, eat fatty dairy full of protein" in that order. I did not faint again, or even grey out yesterday.

I have been greying out more than usual during these trying pandemic times. Just...stand up, get a rush and a little bit of weird in the head. This is what caused me to actually collapse to the ground --I have been enjoying the incredibly weird and unique moment of my brain sliding sideways into nothing and my head feeling pressured that comes with greying out. Normally if I just stand still, it passes. This time it did not and I got to experience the incredible confusion of waking up on my bedroom floor and having to piece together what on earth I was doing there.

(Yes, I recognize that grey-outs are a bad sign, probably of super low blood pressure, and when I've been experiencing them, I've been taking them as the alert they are and trying to minimize them. I have not been encouraging this, but I have been enjoying it when it happens, because bodies are weird and fascinating).

In case it's not very clear, I think this was an incredibly neat experience. I mean, no, it was not good that I hit my head on the floor (I spent the rest of the day watching for concussion, and everything was fine until I was lying in bed 14 hours later at which point my brain helpfully suggested that you're not supposed to sleep with a concussion, probably because you will die. I did not die.) But the rest of it! The rest of it was a keen thing my body has never done before!

At any rate, now I know what that feels like, and maybe I will be smart enough, the next time the world starts greying, to at least sit down immediately instead of trying to ride it out. Or better yet, drinking a lot more water to head the whole thing off at the pass.

...but probably I am not going to be able to answer in the affirmative to the MGH plea of "we desperately need blood donations" for at least another week or two.

***

Tomorrow I need to do more of the Endless Paper Sorting And Filing project. It is getting better, gradually. I went to four boxen on the floor to two, and now I've gone from three chock-full filing cabinet drawers to two-and-a-half. There are at least two specific projects that I am too shamed to mention explicitly, but need to get done as part of All This. Also at some point I'm gonna wind up doing a very hard culling of a LOT of old art. Or I won't, fuck it, who cares.

I also need to finish up the grading for seniors --last day was on Friday. Everything feels unreal, of course, but there will be some small celebrations in the coming days. I don't have a car, so I can't even go sit secluded during their "one student at a time in very proscribed times" graduation ceremony to happen in a few weeks. I am a little sad about that, and will miss them all dreadfully.

This is all quite hard, and you are quite wonderful for surviving it so far. I love you, and hope that continues.

~Sor
MOOP!

Spent close to an hour getting my AnimalCrossing house _really_ in order, and now it is way past my bedtime, but I do feel oddly like that was a productive work which made me happy. Also my house is _fucking baller_ honestly! I have all six rooms done up to some extent or another and there are books scattered everywhere and insecty things, and I made an actual kitchen, and my bedroom has a double-long bathtub because why the fuck not, and there's a playroom and the *fantastic* rave room downstairs (which looks so great with the lights and I desperately need to get every other colour of them!)

Also jesus, my classroom upstairs just makes me so overwhelmingly happy every time I look at it. I don't know how I'm possibly gonna cram more bookshelves in there once I need to put up more insect models!

And I've now put my chemistry set into what once was the insect room, and that room is just dirt and fire and chemistry and a small handful of bugs and I *really* like it!

Also, now nearly every room has good time walling and flooring going on! I'm gonna keep buying more of them (slightly addictive) but I am so pleased with *that* aspect of it all as well!

Yeah, I'm happy. It was a good day today!

***

Other things that were good:

*Finished all my lessons for the week, even though I didn't wanna. Must do a lot of grading this week to catch up, Ought to reach out to damn near all my students as well, just to try and check in before said grading.

*Had *seven* separate meetings today, jesus shit. Calculus (one student), Algebra (one student), NEST (the English-learner teacher team), Self-Care Meeting (with NEST), therapy (one therapist, one very rambly patient), Office Hours (one student), Secret SCDthing Planning Meeting. I was on zoom/gmeet for six fucking hours today, and that is too many. At least Tuesday is usually my worstday for this, and next week should be oh yeah...differently bad, since I've got queermeeting next Tuesday for like two hours between NEST and office hours. Sigh.

*Ezri fed me good foods and also I washed some dishes at some point, which is A Good.

*At therapy, Jenn and I worked out a potential strategy thing to help me with the instinct to play dumb phone games all the time. We will see if it works!

*Secret SCDthing Planning meeting went _much_ better than it could've and I am really excited and also I feel really good about having had an idea and having had time to work on the idea with other people and make the idea much better. Dear self: Other people are useful and helpful and you do not have to do everything alone. The "dumbass" at the end of that sentence is heavily implied.

Okay, I love you, bye bye!

~Sor
MOOP!

I haven't updated in five days. Here are some things:

*Austin came and visited from Friday evening to Monday early afternoon. It was a very nice visit --he walked over, instead of taking the T, and given how close we are and were even the week before, probably neither of us have changed our risk profiles *that* much? But it was lovely to have him around for a bit, especially since we don't know when that will happen again, not really.

*Schools have been closed until May 4th, at least. I have a meeting with my department head tomorrow afternoon (immediately after she has a meeting with admin) so I'll know more about the Longterm Distance Learning Plan then. We are still only giving enrichment work, which means my students are largely not doing _anything_ offered up. I have some thoughts of things I might try, including maybe reading chapters of The Number Devil as a YouTube stream, if I can figure out how that works. (Probably I should email the author and find out if there are copyright issues with that idea --maybe only if I archive the streams after?)

*I am still alive, still eating multiple good meals a day, still showering every day (or every other sometimes, but that's totally normal for me). I missed my meds for about a week straight, just because I kept not remember to take them until it was too late in the day --I took them today and hopefully that will get me back on track. Physically, I'm fine.

*I finally started a calendar, after realizing that there are Too Many Good Things happening online with the livestreams and whatnot. Tomorrow is the Anna and the Apocalypse tweet-along, (as well as my meeting and my first attempt at an open office hours for my students), then Friday we're gonna try and have a family zoom meet-up, and Sunday is a s00j concert. Every Wednesday for the next five weeks is one of Patty's online archeology classes, about half of which sound SUPER INTERESTING and the rest of which merely sound interesting, and I'll maybe be able to go except that...

*Wednesday night is also the night the bellringers have been getting together for group social. Last week I failed to have a date with mek (we just...didn't manage to sync and really need to try again) instead, and this week I missed about half of the fun due to attending the Exec meeting and talking about Srs Future Stuff instead. But it was really nice to see everyone's faces --there were at least fifteen ringers represented-- and get like...tours of Michael's new apartment and to see Mira and James's cat and stuff like that.

*I've been _really_ laggy ever since Austin left. I was doing SO WELL with the cards, and then I was too busy hanging out with him to focus on them (I still _did_ stuff --my taskmaster projects, my words, lots of good food and hanging out outside!) and now I've completely lost track of them. Maybe tonight before I go to bed I'll choose a set? I don't know. I suspect I'm slowly moving towards a more stringent schedule, even though those usually don't work for me very long or well. I like the generalness of the cards!

*But yeah, Monday I watched nearly an entire season of British Bakeshow, and then yesterday and today both had _long_ stretches of playing _lots_ of dumb phone games. Probably I am not allowed to play dumb phone games tomorrow.

*I haven't been outside since Monday, and that's probably bad. I'm not very good at making my brain just...go be outside (especially when the weather's not particularly encouraging), I really need a destination in mind in order to leave the house. I should try and get back into PokeGo, that will help.

*The inbox zero project is about the only thing that's been making progress. I'm down to 1369 unread emails in my inbox, which is...staggeringly low, for me. There is hope! There is a light at the end of the tunnel! Then I can start interacting with the 15,000 emails that are just...in my inbox and need archiving or whatever. Sigh?

(The read-but-still-in-the-inbox emails date as far back as...well there's only one from 2007, that's a start anyways. The vast majority are LJ -not DW- comment notifications of some sort or another.)

*I keep thinking I want to do something like "Screenfree Sundays" or whatever, but I absolutely lack the conviction, and also I don't actually want to do that on a Sunday, probably. Maybe I'll trial run it this Sunday, with the exception of the s00j concert, oh bother. There're just Too Many Good Things going on, despite the apocalypse.

*Something great is going to happen tomorrow.

~Sor
MOOP!