sorcyress | Entries tagged with tintinnabulation

SamSam is visiting, and I'm quite chuffed about it!

They have been very obliging as I drag them hither and yon and have us spend very little time at home cozily reading books (although we are getting a bit of that now, as I write my words and they start in on the sixth murderbot, which is my favourite so I'm excited for them to read that one). Hopefully though, yes we will get a bit of time to ourselves as well as going out and about in the world.

Last night I collected them from South Station, which involved making Bad Gambles with the red line shuttle bullshit, alas. We did eventually manage to be in the same place at the same time, and then we got some basic dinner and walked from SoSta to Advent for Friday night handling practice.

It was a good -and crowded!- practice! JohnB got put in charge of the advanced beginners¹ so SamSam and 'liska and Rebecca were off doing some dodging and places and the like. I was working with Jackie, who's been ringing about four months now and just never managed to cross paths with me, and Greg was with JdC, who was visiting for the second time.

I felt quite jolly about it all, like I could mostly say useful things to a very novice ringer, and help her improve her form etc. Afterwards, the four of us headed back to Somerville did a somewhat meandery route to Park Street so that we could Not Be On The Hell Shuttles In The Rain, Thanks.

There was quite a lot of rain --I think Friday legitimately had actual inches worth, and today was just very damp everywhere, which is good because Boston has gotten no other rain in two months or something. Glad for the flowers, sad for a weekend when I'm doing a lot of travel into Boston and the red line is fucked.

Today was regular bells --Sam and I did not manage to get ourselves together in order to walk with the group walking from Davis to Old North, which is just as well because we've done plenty of other walking today. Regular bells was already a pretty big practice --I think we totaled 12-- and extremely startling to walk in on, since Josh had gathered about fifteen church members from the brass polishing event and invited them to see the tower and watch us raise some bells. Luckily (or maybe un?) they all wanted to return to brass polishing after, and so I did not have to suddenly adjust how to run practice for fifteen brand new ringers.

Running practice was...fine. Sam mostly knitted. I enjoyed ringing some Double Beryl that otherwise fell apart, and deeply did not enjoy a touch of Cambridge Major that i had thought was going to be a plain course and then had thought was going to be not starting wtih two singles, and basically I spent the whole time pretty fucked up about it (both internally and externally, sigh). I managed to not actually get into fights, although I was snappy a few times and I managed to not actually dissociate more than necessary even though there was a whole lot of depersonalization happening to try and keep myself together through the back half of practice. I think most people got what they needed, at least, which is my goal.

Lunch was very damp and windy, and I spent some time assessing my friends based on vibes as to whether or not they know how to use lockpicks and/or are any good at it. I made some correct guesses, and apparently flattered the hell out of Hannah by being all "yeah, you probably don't know how, but if you ever picked it up, I expect you'd be amazingly good".

It is fun to flatter your friends by giving random vibe-based assessments of how they'd do at absurd skills! It is also fun to gossip about your friends by being extremely excitable by how good they are at sport.

Sam and I went home --just green line, which was nice and easy-- and did get a wee bit of layabout time. Part of that was me reading them Holes --they've never read it, and by god, I am learning a number of my people have never read this book I legitimately think is one of the best written books ever-- and part of that was them napping and me playing Balatro, so all of it was good.

Then this evening we went out to see ASSASSINS at MIT. Yes, this is the same run as I saw eight days ago with Tuesday and Seramay. How many regrets? Zero regrets, baby! Guiteau was still glorious, the Fromme/Moore chemistry was still super fun, and Booth was still enjoyable weird-edge-of-predatory-gay especially to Czolgosz. I think Sam legitimately enjoyed the show, and I know they enjoyed watching something I love with me, which is very sweet.

Unlike when we watch Sailor Moon musicals², we could not pause Assassins for question-and-answer time, so instead I infodumped on our entire walk home from MIT to Harvard (because, say it with me, red line shuttles are bullshit). Quite a bit about the Pie Shop, and when we got home, I managed to guess correctly which sketchbook would have the most cringe and showed them a bunch of drawings, including Guiteau fucking a staircase³. On the one hand, being a horrible nineteen year old fan with no chill was, well, probably kinda annoying and definitely somewhat over the top. On the other hand, I do miss having a regular excuse to draw a lot. My current sketchbook is much more barren.

We got home and had leftover ravioli that Ezri and Rey had made, and some ice cream, and now we're aforementioned curled up with me doing words and them reading. Our favourite⁴ SecUnit has found a body!

Taaa

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Accidentally typo'd as "Begingers", which I kinda like as a horrible portmanteau for beginning ringers.

2: This is a thing SamSam very much loves and so has been showing me, which I object to zero because it's really fun to watch people you love enjoy things they love

3: This makes sense if you know all the lyrics of his ballad really well. (no it doesn't)

4: Well okay, actually my favourite is Three, but I need to euphemize somehow because I am a human who does not have permission to call the SecUnit narrator by the private name they use and don't share with humans.

Very full very good day!

SamSam is visiting this weekend, and it's lovely. They got in yesterday a bit after school let out, and so we were able to head to beginner bellspractice and help out a whole bunch there last night. I got more Owl House enthusiasm from the local 12 year old, and a little bit of musicals geekery from our newest ringer, and we rang lots of various successful rounds and hunting and it was all splendid.

Today was more bells, and very excitingly, when I last looked at the spreadsheet it said like...five people? When I checked this morning it was ten and five guests. UM OKAY COOL FINE. I can lead this practice! That's...that's normal?!

(it actually went quite well. There was handling, there was called changes, just about everybody got to try something that challenged them, I went up to see the bells with Sam and Daniel P****** who is a lovely other friend visiting, and then we all hung out in the sunshine and enjoyed the marvelous spring weather (a welcome revisitation after the summer we've had this week.)

Post bellslunch, several of us picked up necessary ingredients from the haymarket for ~dinner party~ tonight. Because Daniel P****** and April are visiting Austin and Bee, and because Sam is visiting me, and because JohnB is a lovely human, we all got together for Good Dinner And Games And Stuff.

Austin and Bee made taco fixings, and Sam and I made gingerbread (mostly Sam) and we all sprawled around the table eating good food and talking good conversation. I laughed a _lot_ tonight, there's a lot of really lovely people in this group and I liked having the freedom to feel very much myself as part of it.

We played a great many rounds of Wavelength, and then went outside to see the ISS pass overhead (we're up to Expedition 71). Signing up for those SpotTheStation text alerts¹ was one of the best decisions I have ever made, it is such a cool thing every time I get to wave at them.

Post ISS, we returned to play an arguing game (everyone has an animal competing in various sport-type events and we argue Who! Will! Win!) and then played a pretty great tile placement game called Shake the City. I did perfectly well at both, and continued to laugh a lot and generally very much enjoy being with these people.

I also drew a stunning picture of a middle aged dad doing the Abbots Bromley. This doesn't make more sense if you think harder about it. His polo shirt has a small image of an crocodile riding a horse and playing polo, and yes, I am extremely proud of that weird bullshit. I'll try and upload a photo later.

Then it was very late and so home again home again. Sam and I have two days with almost zero total plans, which is going to be _excellent_. Read books, hang out, maybe make more food, generally have a nice time of things. I have grading but obviously I am not going to work on it this weekend.

I hope your life is going well and you are finding joy.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Huh, apparently mobile text alerts are now in legacy mode and no longer supported. I have had no problem with them, but ymmv and I should probably check out the app version and see how that works as well.

So, today's big project of the day was NEW BED!

Specifically, new mattress, and putting some bed risers in place. Everything else is the same old same old. I guess I changed the sheets, but it's not like I got new sheets. (I continue to deeply love owning nothing but dinosaur sheets.)

See, somewhere in the last few months, both Tuesday and Austin have been all "hm, you're aware that your mattress is actually complete shit, right?" and I've been like "yeah, it's ten years old YOLO" because I am an ADHD nightmare childe. But I have tried to bear their comments in mind, and kept my brain whirring about "yeah, it's deffo time for me to replace my mattress sometime". I even made a Facebook post asking for advice, which I then completely ignored.

And then yesterday, friendChris was dropping some supplies off at my house (Chris is moving and the supplies will be donated to work) and in small talk about how the move and packing is going he offhandedly said something about needing to get rid of a mattress. "Wait, shit, what size, what condition?" said I, and upon determining that it was a full and a couple years old, said "yeah, lemme see if I can arrange for a car" and that was that.

FriendKyle was all "sure, I have a car with roof rack and some strapping, and also my Sunday timing works out impeccably with yours [as long as I come to service ringing too] and so post-bells¹ Kyle and I traipsed off to his house. It was nice to get to see how his post-moving is going, and rifle through his and Clara's bookshelf a bit, and admire some art.

In the morning, Ezri had helped me to move the old mattress (and the futon mattress it was lying on) downstairs so all Kyle had to do was help me haul the mattress down from the third floor of Chris's (I forgot to warn on this part), strap it to his car, and haul it into our first floor. Ezri had also agreed to help me get it up to my room, which was good because after I hugged Kyle goodbye, Ezri and I tromped upstairs and they provided invaluable moral (and occasionally material) support while I:

*vacuumed the box spring *wiped down the entire frame with a damp rag *vacuumed/mopped the floor under the bed *put the frame up on risers *got anti-slip stuff for the risers and also took the wheels off my bedframe. I am especially appreciative of their thoughtfulness in various suggestions about making sure my bed was not likely to fall off the risers, although some of that might just be the practicality of "their bedroom is right below mine".

And then the surprisingly simple task of "haul a mattress up the stairs" and now I have a new bed. I have not finished making it, although I will do that shortly. With the trash this week, out goes the incredibly old futon mattress that was my first bed post-college (thanks BelmHouse!) as just general bulk-trash. And then the day after goes the mattress that was my Big Adult Purchase Of A Real Bed, in...

lesseee. This is coming up on the end of year four at the MFA. One year at nBs in Belmont. Three years at Dance House in Medford, and three years at ARSES before it, and I got it right at the start of moving in at ARSES. So yeah, old mattress was rounding up towards eleven years old.

Time to find out how it sleeps (I guess before I actually throw out the old one in the unlikely event that Oh No This Is Bad.)

~Sor
MOOP!

1: We've all been a little all over the place this weekend -do not ask about our first attempt at Stedman this morn, although we did have a redemptive one later on- but it's actually been a pretty fun ringing weekend. Yesterday was a Just Delightful "of the six of us, you two both have some Serious Focus Areas so let's do that" and practice was so much plain hunt and it was _great_. I don't really know very well how to teach this late-beginner stage of ringing, but I'm really enjoying getting to be part of a supportive band for it!

I wrote this in a comment to a friend, but I am realizing that it is an open invitation, to any of my folks in or visiting the Boston area:

***

If you are okay with stairs, you should come with me to bellringing some Saturday and hang out inside the Old North Church while we're doing our thing. If you're okay with weird stairs, you could even come up to the belfry where we have a little platform eighteen inches above the bells, where you can press ear protectors to your head and revel in the cacophony of something louder and larger than yourself.

(If you're okay with ladders, then maybe after practice we can go all the way up the steeple and you can get the views of the North End that no one else ever gets).

***

I'm also happy to talk about bellringing as a hobby and actually trying it out, but damn, visiting and getting to see the things that the tourists don't get to see is _cool_ and I'd love to have you join sometime.

(We are a very covid-cautious group. Masks required if the windows are closed and/or the wastewater levels have been above 500 bobcat-robots¹. We usually do lunch on the greenway after, unless the weather is truly horrid. 11:15-1:15.)

~Sor

1: There is not a good unit measurement, so this is the one

choco_frosh made up.

The unbearable anniversary effect of November marches on, but on the plus side, today I rang a peal for the first time!

A peal is 5040 changes of bell-ringing. I tried about a year ago to ring a peal of Plain Bob Major, a perfectly reasonable and simple method with both local and Northampton ringing friends. We managed to get to like 4900 changes, all spontaneously fell apart, and couldn't get back into it. It was genuinely fine and I was unbothered by not actually scoring a peal then.

This time was just local Boston ringers. Instead of a single simple method --and to be clear, Plain Bob is *the* simplest method there is. It's the first real method ringers learn. Anyways, instead of trying again with a single simple method, we decided to ring seven different methods, two of which I had never rung before this weekend. I like that last time I talked about this, in July I suggested that I had 4/6 needed methods, and I just needed to practice and get solid on the remaining two before attempting a peal. And then I did absolutely zero effort between then and like two weeks ago to acknowledge that I should learn those additional methods. Which, I repeat, I rung for the first time yesterday.

The peal went off _shockingly_ well based on all that, is what I'm saying. Yes, we took three attempts to get started but like...that was just jitters. (like the first two attempts were about 1.5 minutes and 4 minutes respectively. We originally started ringing at 12:15, our actual attempt started at 12:25). Third time was the charm, and we just...rang seven extents of minor, no big, good job studying kiddo?

Two hours and fifty-five minutes later, we were finished and Austin said that's all, and everyone went yay and I _failed to stand my fucking bell_ which is just _embarrassing_ but to be fair my grip strength was pretty much at a maximum low by that point. Pull rope for three hours turns out to be a lot???

I haven't really...had feelings about this yet, beyond mild annoyance that I wasn't better? It's the unbearable anniversary-effect of late November, okay, I am not good at having basically any feelings at this point in the year because I know full well what happens if I let feelings happen right now. Maybe I will get to have feelings later? I don't know, this is a really weird thing because it's genuinely super-cool, and the fact that I did mixed surprise minor as my first peal feels absolutely wild to me, and no one outside the like thirty ringing friends I know will understand or care.

But it's cool that I can do this, and Myles is thrilled with the idea of me being a surprise minor junkie, because it turns out the Smith tower is _super_ into sup-minor and I should deffo go play with them more. And yes, maybe actually try to learn some surprise major sometime, even though it's Too Many.

I hope you are making your weird esoteric goals that no one else understands or cares about. <3

~Sor
MOOP!

Bells today had two moments which were _really_ good.

The part within these bold tags is the technical part where I use a lot of unexplained jargon

The first was getting to ring Annabel's London again, a method I have only rung once, six months ago. We had one false start (another ringer hadn't studied and needed to) but when we actually set to it, we finished and Laura said she wanted to give stickers to the whole band. It was good! I knew it so sharp! Like, it's more attention paid than Cambridge, but I definitely know this one, and because I learn surprise by place bells, I will definitely be able to ring this in QPs or whatever, once we get calls.

Several months ago, Leland asked me what I'd like for my first peal¹ and I was talking with Austin about it and I think I really do want mixed surprise minor. One extent each of seven different methods --throw plain bob in there, and I only need to learn six of them. Austin even obligingly wrote all over my whiteboard the different families, and told me which ones would be best although I've forgotten the specifics and need to ask him again.

At any rate, being solid on Annabel's gets me to 4/6 surprise minor methods². So eventually I learn those other two and then get the team together (possibly out at Smith?) and ring the bells for three hours hell yes.

Thus ends the really really jargony bit and now we return to normal levels of jargon

The second was getting to do witchcraft in the tower. I don't really know how else to describe the moment, it felt like ritual and spellcasting in all the best ways.

Elishka has been learning various things, but has not yet gotten a chance to lead. So we're set up for rounds on eight, with them leading, and Austin suggests that we come in one at a time, as an easier form of practice for them. Which first off, worked _awesome_ from a pedagogical standpoint, 'Lishka was able to adjust to the different number of bells after quite well, and it gave really good practice in leading.

But just...from an everything else standpoint. 1. 1. 1. 12. 12. 12. 123. 123. 1234. 1234. 12345...new bells coming in every few strokes, building up to 12345678. And me on the tenor, last to arrive and then of *course* after a few dozen strokes I stood and quietly said to Josh on the 7 to stand when he was ready, and the sound dwindled back out to just Elishka alone and it was _so good_.

I don't know that anyone else felt like it was witchery, but it was such a nice reminder that sometimes my hobbies have magic in them, that sometimes the threads of beauty and humanity that I crave are everywhere around me. We created it together --and that's also unusual, I don't cast in public-- and we brought the sound and the space and the physicality and the music together and it was just...entirely correct. What a fucking staggeringly cool moment!

Anyways, it made up for me completely falling apart at Grandsire fifteen minutes later. Speaking of which, I have a quarterpeal tomorrow, so it's time to stop dozing on the couch and sleep in a real bed for a few hours before that. Ta!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: The ~specifications~ around what make a peal are so funny to me, because I already had my first peal attempt, but because we only rang like 4980 changes instead of 5040, it doesn't count. And like sure, fine, you gotta reach the magic number but I have deffo successfully proof-of-concepted the idea that I can ring for three hours straight.

2: It feels like cheating to say Cambridge *and* Primrose, but they are different! Also Beverly, for those keeping track at home.

Friends of mine have recently acquired a Maine Coon kitten. Coire is twelve weeks old and needs human socializing so that she grows up to be mellow about many people being around. I mean like...okay, if you need me to come to your house and harass your unbearably cute tiny cat I *guess* that can be arranged...

So Charis picked me up after service ringing¹ and we drove up north a wee bit to visit Magus and Keira and their menagerie. Coire was obviously the star attraction, but there were three more cats and Coda-the-parrot to hang out with inside, and a number of chickens to gently mock outside², plus rambling house-land-hill to wander on and bugs to seek out.

We did a stint of lying on the floor and playing with the cats (yes, Coire is absolutely as stupid-cute as you would expect from a twelve week old ~~owl~~MaineCoon kitten. She has the classic look I have grown used to from

seananmcguire on twitter, with those big big eyes and the incredibly tufted ears. She is also going to grow to be gigantic, and I *really* look forward to seeing her again in the future as that happens.

While the rest of us were hanging with the cats, Keira was working on making some sort of terrifying chicken-stack to go on the grill and be our dinner. Once that was prepped and it was time for the grill to heat up, we all went outside for A Tour Of The Grounds while it was still light out.

Too early for most of their food-plants to be blooming, but I did point out some early season sorrel and distribute samples to everyone to try. I saw so many good bugs (aaah yay!) and I wore some rhubarb leaves as a hat (Charis was impressed they lasted the entire walk, something something, any plan where you lose your hat...) and I got to upturn a random tub full of leaves and water so that it wouldn't breed skeeters, and we talked about maybe-fanciful plans for what could happen with the land eventually and it was all just really fun and nice. Extremely quality outdoor time!

Then back into the house, where Charis returned to socializing Coire, I did a wee bit of doodling (I have a new, as the kids say, "OC" and I was trying to figure out some ideas around her), and Marc and Keira engaged on food-quest. Dinner was eventually ready, with a delicious stack of grilled chicken, well marinated, made by Keira, hummus, cucumbers, and tzatziki prepared by one or both of our hosts at some ambiguous earlier time, and flatbreads created by Magus in their little outdoor pizza oven thingy. It was all very good!

Dinner was wrapping up when my alarm went off --oh right! The ISS was passing at a good time, do y'all wanna see? So we tromped outside and watched it shine across the night sky (they're dark enough to be quite good star watching) and I got to wave again.

Post-dinner entertainment was teaching this group Cat in the Box, my current favourite new game. It's a quantum trick-taking game, where the colour of your card doesn't occur until you actually play it, and a nice little land-grab minigame. The group (as predicted) quite enjoyed it and I almost won --Magus beat me on the tiebreaker.

Finished with homemade lemon meringue pie for dessert --Keira had, in the past, said specific that she would make one for me sometime and I was very very pleased to collect. Then finally home again home again for Charis and I, where I immediately passed out.

It was a good day!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Bells is just a footnote today, but a nice one. It was me, Laura, Ricky, Danielle and we rang all the minimus in the world, including getting me some new methods (Reverse and Double Court). Lots of practice with the Bob suite (Plain/Reverse/Double), which is a good exercise in keeping track of the treble. I'm surprisingly happy about it, although my hands are currently a little achey in a way that suggests it was a lot for me.

2: Oh whoops, I should've seen if they had extra eggs to get rid of (yes. Always.)

The weather finally got nice, and oh please oh please stay like this a bit, it would be _so good_ for my brain to be able to actually hang out outside for a while!

The morning started with me and Austin being lazy and happy in bed together, all snuggly and whatnot. Eventually we had to get to bells, so up and shower and breakfast and brush teeth and go go go. Not that zoomy, we just took the T instead of biking. A pleasant walk outdoors!

I was able to wear a sundress for the first time in An Age, which is a deffo good thing. And the green line continues to be _amazing_ for getting to bells --yes, we were late (about 11:40), but we also left at like...11. There's no way that would've worked out for us in the pre-GLX times.

Bells was incredibly weird, because for the first time in like...my entire tenure as tower captain, I was the baby of the band again. Ten people, all of whom could ring surprise major? And I was probably the only one who could only ring one surprise major method inside?? Yes please!

We rang a full course of CambMajor (I did _okay_ --need to get better at remembering the coursing-order) and a plain course of yet-unnamed-method (I did _great_ and actually was able to separate the place bells better than usual, especially finding a new way to think about the back work) and Dixons Bob minor (I did poorly but possibly held together longer than I have in the past?) and a couple nice minor methods. It was fun being baby again and getting to do stuff to stretch myself! Should've insisted on the Beverly instead of Cambminor though, just because I find them both pleasant but Beverly's more a challenge for the rest of the band.

After was a fairly abbreviated lunch, since most of the ringers were rushing off to a quarterpeal attempt at the other church. I got to have a wee bit of lazy conversation with Ricky, including some fanfic recs. I headed to Advent after everyone else (nice walking in the sunshine through the city) and was able to set up on the steps of a brownstone across the street from the church with my grading and listen to the qp. It's weird listening to _that much ringing_ from the outside --I kept expecting it to come round and being surprised when it didn't.

The QP went (yay!) and I was able to join folks for ice cream after. More good conversation (including "what's the difference between a theft and a heist") and then finally all off to home, whereupon I did nothing but play video games for manymany hours. Delightful!

And now I sleep! Goodnight!

~Sor
MOOP!

Bells has been going _supurbly_ of late, except for the part where being ringing master is incredibly stressful and every Saturday has had like twelve people in the tower but a super weird ratios of beginners. It's stressful but mostly the kind of chaos that I am _really good_ at breaking into smaller pieces and managing well.

(A few weeks ago, I had to wait outside the gate for someone and I told Todd to go upstairs and be in charge of getting the bells rung up. After practice, he put a hand on my shoulder and looked me straight in the eye and said "that was the _worst_" which was very funny.)

At any rate, I think there's two current stressors --the managing people is A Lot, but honestly, that's mostly good stress. The second frustrating part is feeling like I'm not actually getting challenges for myself with ringing and if I actually step back, I don't think that's related to being in charge. Mostly, our Saturday practices have just been so chockablock full of beginner and early ringers that we've been devoting lots of time to working with those --handling, rounds, called changes, hunting! Todd's getting pretty decent at Grandsire, so _lots_ of that recently.

We haven't been ringing a lot of surprise lately, partly because we just haven't _had_ surprise much lately. "Twelve people in the tower but only seven are hunting reliably" is genuinely awesome (it is so cool we have so many learners right now!) but also incredibly frustrating (whoops, no Cambridge Major practice for Kat today!)

To be fair, even when we do have Major, I don't always have the time/space/brain/energy to study for it because of running the rest of practice. But I think I'm getting better at carving out that time. I didn't manage to get any CambMaj studying this past weekend (and instead got to practice Standing Behind our slightly shaky treble --this is a skill I definitely don't have yet and will need to develop as more of our beginners become interemediaries!) but I did get to ring some [secret yet-to-be-named method] two or three weeks ago, and I think I'm getting Quite Good at that line actually.

And the other half of it is that I should start pushing myself to go to Wednesday practice more often when I can, because then I *can* fuck off and study. I'm not obligated to make sure everyone's getting enough rope time, and I feel like maybe there've been fewer raw beginners so I haven't been as roped into teaching. Last week I learned Annibal's London Minor while down a pint of blood, so I definitely have the capacity for doing more challenging method-stuff, I just need the environment.

(Actually, can I brag? In a way that basically no one except maybe ChocoFrosh will understand how impressive it is? I'm gonna brag and you can just believe me that it's impressive as hell!)

I learned Annibal's by drawing it twice. Then we rang a plain course, which went 4/5ths of the way (last lead got kerflooy, not *only* my fault, but certainly not _not_ my fault). Then I drew it once more, and also drew Cambridge and Beverly for practice. Then we rang ABC spliced, which is to say, those three minor methods. It kerflooeyed after about eight leads. My first ever spliced, done with a method I learned an hour earlier and had rung not-even-one-plain-course. And I had a pint less blood¹ than usual!

I like my pretty cool weird hobby.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Please do not be noticing the fact that I finished giving blood at about 6 and then was doing this bells nonsense at 8:30. I was ringing the four, it barely counts as heavy machinery and-or strenuous exercise. >.>

Today we rang a quarterpeal!

Everyone was very tired at Advent Service Ringing, so I asked around if folks would be interested in ringing a quarter of something. Danielle suggested we go for broke and try Beverley, a method that I learned about three weeks ago, and have rung on two separate occasions prior. It's just Cambridge but funny, it's totally fine.

And...it was! It was actually really delightful to ring --my reaction when we came out of it was "yeah, I could've rung a peal of that" and that may be some kind of bluff, but honestly, it's such a nice little weird method to ring! I am fond of it, and all its extra dodges and wrong places (both of which are things I apparently enjoy).

Also, it's fun to write "first in method: 4, 5, 6" for the notes of a quarterpeal, because dang, that is half the damn band not actually having rung this in quarter before. We've all obviously rung shorter bits of it, but not a full 1320 changes!

So that was my morning, and it was followed by getting a smoothie and eating cheese-crackers and watching birds and lollygagging on the greenway with my friends (including bonus Julia, who is injured and not currently ringing, but was happy to join us for lunch!). Eventually Austin and I tottered home, foregoing any more bicycling to just red line our way.

Afternoon was nap for Austin and fuck-around-and-play-video-games for me. It was nice, and cozy, and not the slightest bit productive. He woke up in time for us to shower and eat a bit before I had to send him back home.

I suppose I should be figuring out what I do with my second-to-last free week! I've got a Secret Project that I'm about 25% finished with (it requires sunshine, so if the weather cooperates, I'll happily do more of it). I've got a mission to run for Rey, and I can always throw in some extra grocery shopping for the household if I need somewhere to stretch my legs. There's dancing tomorrow (normal) and Tuesday (secret Copley square ceilidh, come join me!) and bells on Wednesday, and DnD on Thursday and then complicated wedding getting-to this weekend. (I have not finished logisticating yet, and I'm annoyed about it, because logistics are annoying.)

And I have not done _nearly_ as much work on my bedroom as I'd hoped, and I definitely haven't dealt with the free stuff pile yet, and I suppose I should think about work and lesson plans and my classroom at some point (sigh). It's been a complicated summer, but I think mostly a good one?

I hope you are having a good summer as well. <3

~Sor
MOOP!

((this was gonna be a footnote to the previous post, but it spiraled into its own thing. It is probably mostly Of Interest to ringerfriends))

***

A quick digression about ringing experience levels! This is my totally arbitrary distinctions, and mostly only useful in "how do I think about/classify people when I am tower captain and need to make decisions about what we ring today".

(Because seriously, that is important! When I'm figuring out "what do we ring next" --which I am only so-so at-- there is a lot of "who is here, what levels do we have")

Beginner: Has never touched a bell rope before -> is attempting rounds. Should have someone ringing with them.

(the following levels all should start with "some subset of" --none of these are complete lists, they are ranges!)

Low: Can ring rounds, tenor behind, be in called changes, hunting, trebling to plain hunt methods, maybe some Plain Bob, can ring up or down maybe even in peal. Should get accommodated on which bell they want to ring so they can be most comfortable. Might need someone standing behind if I've got the spare ringers for it.

Mid: Has a handful of methods that they're reasonably stable on, including touches, can be assigned to "whatever" bell within those methods (although may have preferences which is fine), can ring up/down in peal. Has approximately finished the One-Per-Learner book, even if they haven't literally done so. Trebling to surprise methods. Calling changes, maybe some light caller work (mostly of the "go and stand" variety). Definitely rings up/down in peal, not necessarily well.

High: Has a bunch of methods they know, can call or conduct stuff, can stand-behind lower level ringers or teach handling to beginner ringers, can pick new stuff up fairly quickly with a minimum of studying or explanation. Can lead or tenor ringing up/down in peal. Should be listened to if they have feedback for the band-as-a-whole. Knows bell games and should be listened to when they suggest them because bellgames are fun!

There might be an additional category above high (ultra?), but that applies mostly to global ringing and specifically, can create/conduct quarters or peals. Because I'm just tower captain of practices, I don't really need to track the people at that level in a special category beyond "if they're at practice, assume they're ggg¹ for helping out lower levels and try to throw in some fancy Surprise for them if possible."

***

I would've put myself solidly in the "mid" category, and was surprised as I wrote out the classifications that I exhibit some of the "high" behaviors. I don't know a ton of methods yet² but I can pick them up at least temporarily without a lot of studying at all (and _occasionally_ without even looking at a blue line, if it's something someone can explain well). I can't stand-behind very effectively (although tbf, it's not a skill I've tried at all yet) but I am solidly okay at teaching handling, and getting better whenever possible.

I suspect this is less "Imposter syndrome making me un-value my abilities" and more "Not being ultra-level or having that many years of experience means I don't actually know enough to know what the real level distinctions would be". (Is that Dunning-Kruger? I think that's textbook Dunning-Kruger.)

Or alternatively, since these categories are for me to use when assessing "what to do with who while running practice", it makes sense that my categories are essentially "me, worse than me, better than me" and I will always be mid-level :P

~Sor
MOOP!

1: "Good, Giving, Game" A Dan Savage-ism (I know, but some of his terminology is damn useful) originally for sexual partners but I think more broadly applicable in group activities as someone who is willing to just do whatever to benefit the group, even if it's not necessarily the thing they most want to do on their own.

2: Currently I know: Plain or Treble Hunt, Plain Bob, Stedman, Cambridge Minor, sometimes/sorta Cambridge Major, Grandsire I guess. I've rung heaps more methods than that, but most of those have been (re)learning on the fly and don't count as stuff that I actually rock-solid know without having to check the blue line first. I should really actually internalize the SMOE methods sometime so I can ring touches with them.

(St Simons, St Martins, St Osmunds, StEyensbury)

( This one is super bells jargony. I didn't bother to tone it down or explain, I'm not sure it's actually interesting to anyone who's not also a change ringer, but there's enough of you on here that I'm posting it anyways. )

[[written last night after I got home, posted this morning yay!]]

So like...as an indication of how I'm doing, I'm typing words on the school computer tonight, because Mel is still downstairs and I just couldn't be arsed to go down again and get her after already walking up the stairs once.

I am...pretty damn wiped out, from an ultimately brilliant and lovely day. Really really satisfied and happy, just exhausted.

It was Bee's birthday (well, it is on Monday) so they had decreed that after bells today there should be some celebrating. So before heading to bells, I packed up my bag carefully and made sure I would be completely ready for Adventures! Some highlights:

*Bells went really quite well today. I watched a round of Cambridge minor, paying specially attention to what JohnS was doing (because he's very good) and making my brain relearn the path, which turned out to actually work and when I got to ring it later, I only messed up a few times.

*I also rang what might've been my first ever touch of Plain Bob Minor where I was in the right spot every single blow. Like, I wasn't perfect with the timing, I was sometimes a little on the early or late side of the blow, but I distinctly and specifically knew where I was supposed to be --and was approximately there-- every time and I am proud of myself for that as long as I don't think too hard about things.

*The main adventure was BEACH! We all gathered food, met on the greenway as usual, and then split up half-by-car and half-by-T to go to Wonderland and have a nice time! The T group won the race by like 10-15 minutes, which was very excellent, although all of us were beat by Greg who had cheated by not being at ringing and therefore able to leave whenever he wanted.

*I went into the ocean twice. The first time I moved very slow but did dunk to neck. Also spent a bunch of time standing knee-ish deep and chatting with Julia about library stuff. The second time was after sand adventures (see below) and I went in more quickly and did eventually full dunk, which means my hair is full of salt. I lasted longer than I expected, and got out not quite soon enough¹, but very nearly, and so only needed a small amount of wrapped-in-towel-and-sunshine recuperation time.

*Last time I was at the beach, I dug a quite good hole, and decided to do so again this time, which proved hugely popular with the "young" set of ringers (basically all of us between 20-35). Six of us worked together to dig a fairly giant hole --and we started close enough to the wall and pavilions that we actually reached the bottom! (Did you know that parts of Wonderland beach appear to be built on cement?). It was a very lovely bonding exercise.

*Also lovely bonding? The part where we then all dug little seats around the edge of the hole and sat on them and stuck our feet in on top of each other and then obviously dragged the sand in and filled it in so we were just a circle of torsos sticking out of the sand.

*And then we played Spoons! Using seashells, natch. The last round was the "throw all the shells way out of reach so that everyone except first-person will have to go dragging themself out of the sand to get them and it will be very dramatic" which was pretty much perfect except that we accidentally lost one card. Sorry Todd! :(

*Then there was long walks by the shoreside with Austin, and a bit of juggling and volleyball and frisbee and finally we all headed back to Bee and Austin's place for birthday cake and dinner and that was all very good as well.

I did not grow up with beach adventures in my childhood, not really but this has proven to be a fun thing to try for the summer! Lots of sunscreen is necessary of course, but I really enjoy the parts that feel sort of universally human --jump in and over and around the waves, pick up cool shells to show each other, and dig big holes.

Anyways, it is late and I have to be up early for tomorrow's adventures. Ta!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I have a growing familiarity with the fact that my body can't handle cold water for very long. I did the bad thing and stayed in way too long once, a couple years ago, and then found myself in the thoroughly unpleasant situation of standing around wrapped tightly in a towel (or two?) in 80+ degree weather on a sunny day, with my teeth chattering so hard I couldn't talk. That was no good, and the goal now that I've learned the limit is to not actually push past it again.

Today was a good day!

(We're gonna ignore the little voice in the back of my head that is being all "great, you've had a few good days in a row, now it's all gonna go to shit and tomorrow will be part of the h e l l z o n e again. No brain. Don't do that. It's okay to just be happy where we're at right now.)

Today was a good day, and I am pleased by it, and here are some of the things I got done:

*Went to bed late and woke up late, but did get eight hours slep, which is the general goal. Had time to muck about a bit before my class-times.

*During class times, I saw three students (woo!) and had enough time to clean off/organize my desk (I have not yet figured out how 2computers1desk works, but it'll sort out eventually). Then I had enough time to catch up on all my grading for my Algebra students. Yay progress!

*Went to the RSCDS@home lesson, had a splendid time! Was pleased enough with the teacher that I sent him a nice email after, which is hopefully charming and not irritating. Also, he finished with "let's do an auld lang syne all across the world, cross those arms now" and wow did I fucking _shatter_ at that. It's interesting what it is that catches me out and reminds me "everything is wrong and it hurts so much"

*After that I ate lunch and played some Animal Crossing for a bit.

*Office Hours did not have any students show up *but* I was again work-productive (whaaaaaat) and managed to do all the grading for my Data Analysis seniors *and* submit their grades for progress reports. Those aren't due until Friday, so this is _deeply_ unprecedented.

*I actually made it to bells tonight --I've missed the last two weeks for reasons largely related to "pandemics are hard on the brain". Bells is, as always, fucking weird, but I did a successful touch of Cambridge minor (a bob at every lead end) (immediately preceded by a mostly successful plain course, in which I fucked up enough at the beginning that my brain decided very firmly it was going to do The Thing. I am glad I kept pushing through and didn't quit bells tonight despite it, I did mostly level out.)

Also rang GrandsireTrips (which I didn't think I knew? I still don't know if I know it, but the ringingroom runs slowly enough that I can fake it) and StedmanTrips (from the tenors, yes both of them! I know that's only one brain's worth of stuff and it's not actually impressive, but I'm pleased). Also spent quite a bit of time pub-chatting with various people, most of whoms voices I am _so happy_ to hear.

*Post bells was dinner (mostly eaten while listening to pubchat) and then chilling out while Ez did some Animal Crossing, and then realizing "oh hey, now is an optimal time to _actually work on Melody_ and do some stuff! So I did the absolute briefest searching on "how to import external hard drive" (first impressions: this is gonna suck, probably almost as bad as installing, *but* there's a way to just brute force the damn thing involving "use a working mac and a USB key to transfer the critical stuff")

*And then I did a bit more work with downloading A Music Software! Smammy recommended I try Quod Libet and on first pass it seems to do many of the things I am looking for. For trial reasons, I have downloaded all of my bandcamp purchases (which apparently included buying Wonders twice, NO REGRETS). This means my current library is about 515 tracks, 33% of which is s00j.

(About 20% each of Kate Nyx and Homestuck, and then the remaining 25% is "etc". I've got a W/IFS album, some Vienna Teng, some AJA, one musical, and a couple random internet things I bought at some point along the way. I am still looking forward to having access to EVERYTHING again, but this will be a good start!)

*I have also declared unto myself that I will be hanging out in Discord only on Melody, if at all possible, and not on the work computer anymore. Critically, this gives me the option of potentially trying to make a work discord account.

*Also, the "play fewer dumb phone games" strat that Jenn and I worked out yesterday has been successful for a first pass today, although it doesn't _really_ count since I didn't have any department meetings. We'll see what tomorrow brings!

I'm happy. It's been a good few days and I am happy for that, and that is a good thing, and the hell zone will happen when it happens and that will be okay too. I hope all of you are doing as well as you can. You have my love.

~Sor
MOOP!

I've felt like shit all day long. I missed the bus by dint of being on the wrong side of the street, and almost came back to the house (I think I got as far as the front porch) because the bus after wasn't for like seventeen minutes. Probably I wouldn't have a headache and my body would've felt better if I had gone home and slept, but it's not the choice I made.

To be fair, I did have a _really_ lovely time at bells, despite completely missing firstbells and arriving to second bells fifteen minutes late. I got to ring Stedman Trips with calls for the first time! The situation went like this (paraphrased, not quoted):

Danielle: I wanna ring a Stedman Trips
Ricky: Oo, I have a touch I want to call!
Me: I still don't know calls, is there an unaffected bell?
Cally: The hell you don't, get your ass over here and I will learn you a Bob!
[Cally teaches me about StedTrips Bobs¹ while Ricky and Bryn talk through the touch]
Ricky-and-or-Bryn-I-don't-remember: Great, take the fourths place bell! It's unaffected
Danielle: And like, just put Cally behind you, you'll be fine!
*RINGING TIME!*
Ricky (while I am the 7): Bob
Cally: Yeah, do the thing
Me: ?!?
Ricky (while I am the 7 the second time): Bob
Cally (once I finally get back down into 4-5): Good counting!
Ricky (while I am the 5th place bell, at the very end): Bob, also that should be all
Ricky: Uh...whoops. Nice job though.
Bryn: So it appears to actually have been the three that was unaffected. But yeah, good job.
Me: *lol*

So apparently I know Bobs for Stedman Trips now. Apparently in Singles, 5-6-7 all make places, which means 5 does the same thing, and 7 is totally normal, but dodging with the same bell from the other place. I continue to be slightly baffled by the fact that apparently learning lines takes drawing something four hundred times, but learning calls takes just being arbitrarily thrown in with about four seconds warnings.

(See also, my first touch of Cambridge minor, for which I might have had a stander behind, but it also might've been Elaine rolling her eyes affectionately and saying "yeah, you don't need this". It turns out "the calls are the same as in plain bob" is amazingly helpful if it's a method I've actually learned by place bell and I know the circle of work.)

I'm not actually sure what my next thing to work on is. I mean, I was mentioning to Leland today that the request I'ma start making at practice is "to learn how to teach handling" because I assure you, if I can get through my school day without screaming myself hoarse at students, I certainly have the patience for it, and it would be useful for us to have more teachers.

Also like, Cambridge major. And then the other common surprise stuff. And at some point someone is going to encourage me to call something substantial and I'm a helpful idiot so I'll say yes².

(What do I want to be working on? Honestly, I want to practice the stuff I know for the next six months and get it all really really solid and really really musical and accurate. My handling is acceptable-at-best and [Frank]I think we can do better than that[/Frank]. Also the teaching stuff.)

This entry got very technical. Sorry about that, except to the four of you who also ring and who can put up with my tintinnabulation babbling.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: At the Bob, make fifths and come back down into the front, having totally skipped the 6-7 dodges and therefore not changing your parity. 1-4 just keep doing your thing. 6-7 repeat exactly what they just did, thereby changing the parity.

2: Conducting is far and away the least interesting part of bellringing to me. I rather don't mind the idea of the action of conducting (and have done some saying go and stop and maybe even a few rounds of "say bob at these very precise times") but figuring out the order of some methods and when I call bob and single sounds agonizingly unappealing. It doesn't help that I care very little for falseness in my ringing so like...doing research or work or whatever to create a composition that isn't false does not actually have any benefit to me.

Today was a good day!

I went to service ringing almost exactly on time (and it turns out services ran long so I had plenty of time to spare). I got to see a baby and do a bit of ringing, and all that was quite nice and lovely.

Yesterday, my (very brief) attendance at bells overlapped with a ~2 hour BrainBad¹, which meant I was pretty strongly dissociated and not really Present with the ringing or ringers until the crowd thinned out a bit. Apparently it's easier to come back to human in the presence of a small number of people (Austin and Michael) than large? Good to know or whatever.

ANYwho, I did myself a Great SelfCare yesterday, in that when JohnB asked if I wanted to ring a QP on Sunday, I did not respond with "I am completely subsumed with my own imperfection and cannot possibly want anything in the world" and instead thought to myself "I will probably want this tomorrow even though I can't want it right now" and said "sure". Being kind to futureKat continues to be very difficult, but extremely important and useful for long-term personal growth and brainsorting.

I guesed correctly --I did want to ring a quarter peal today! And then when we were walking to Old North to do exactly that, Bryn and Leland were all "so would you like to come back to Advent and ring _another_ quarter peal after that?" which I agreed to as well. My original plan for the afternoon was "go home and attempt to clean my room/house, realistically actually fuck around on couch for several hours playing dumb phone games" so it's not like my afternoon was particularly booked.

After I tenored a quite lovely QP of Plain Bob Trips, I remarked that it was very clever of them to get me to commit to another QP *before* I completed this first one. Ringers went off to lunch, and then the smaller band of us trooped back to Advent to ring a nice little QP of something in honor of the first services by the new rector.

The something turned out to be the elusive Plain Bob Minor, with me inside --a QP I've failed at least once before. It turns out having a band that is all strong except you, rather than a band that is "strongish except you and that other person" makes a world of difference. We scored the QP, and I had enough time and space and brain to first semi-consciously and then intentionally recognize that where I am when I pass the treble is linked to what work I'm doing at the lead end. Leland called a particularly nice little composition too, which gave me the first half-dozen leads or so without having to do anything but re-learn the circle of work and get myself smoothed out.

So now I'm up to ten QPs (it remains that the easiest way to track this is to just search bellboard for my first name, since it's sufficiently uncommon), three of which have been this calendar year. And people say that completing two QPs in the same day is probably proof-of-concept that you can do a peal, so...that's something to happen in the future, I would think.

I returned home (by way of a red line train where the doors broke and we all had to have the conductor come through and pry them open and clear out the car, very exciting) and before I flopped onto the couch, I did a truly brilliant thing and went and set the *oven* timer as a reminder to Stop That, rather than my phone timer, which is attached to thing I'm playing with and therefore easily ignored. I am cautiously optimistic about this idea for the future, though it's definitely easier when Ezri is out of the house.

My alarm went off and I pushed myself into doing a full hour of roomcleaning, which means mostly just that my desk is cleaned off and I dealt with half the floor, while the other half flounders under a pile of unpacked Arisia nonsense. Still, the cleaning of the desk is an *a-plus* good thing --it means I'm typing this there, instead of in bed or on the couch or whatever. Hopefully tomorrow I will come home and do more of that before dancing. We'll see how I'm feeling. Maybe I'll nap instead.

Anywho, it is time for me to go off to BIDA, because ringing too qps and walking from advent to old north and back was not exhausting enough or something. Also because it really is likely to be the last BIDA chance I have for a few months, and I need to bring ESC postcards.

Hope you're well and that I do not totally die from the contra dance!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Out loud I was calling it an anxiety attack or panic attack, but I don't actually know if those are real things that happen to me, and writing things down involves a truth and commitment I'm not sure I'm willing to make. So brain bad.

(written Saturday evening, only getting around to posting now, because life)

I rang Cambridge minor today.

One full plain course. Well, okay, technically about a half course which fell apart for mostly not me reasons says Ricky, and then we tried again and got a full course. It went well.

My ringing diary started just under two years ago, the last practice in December 2017. It was three months later I rang my first ever hunting in tower⁰. So it's been...about a year and three quarters that I've been ringing methods and in that time I've gone from hunting to Cambridge.

I don't have a baseline for this. I don't really have benchmarks, or rules, or specific milestones that should be hit at specific points. Truth be told, I think that would probably be worse, to worry that I'm not getting places fast enough, when the whole thing remains patience and practice. The only competition is with myself from the past, the only thing to measure against is myself and how I am doing.

Still though, 21 months seems...like something I can be proud of. I am working hard --to learn Cambridge I spent a lot of snatched moments in the last two weeks drawing it over and over again until it became closer to memory-- and that hard work is paying off. I won't say I rang it "gloriously", but I rang it recognizably, without a stand-behind or constant prompting.

(And Laura gave me a sticker after. She didn't say congratulations or holy shit or anything like that, she just gave me a sticker and carried on Doing The Work of organizing and keeping practice going and I feel very very honored for it. This was exactly right and makes me feel very pleased.)

So now I can ring three methods and a principle¹, and I have shown twice that I can pick up something doubles and study briefly and go. I am beginning to resemble something I can think of as a real ringer.

And of course my brain can't handle it. I am beginning to realize just how little I can cope with feeling proud of myself, how much my mindscape rebels at the very idea. Not sobbing this time (like how I couldn't stop once I actually sat back and thought about a full year of words) but I was shaking so badly after we finished that I could barely tie the rope up. I was just...it felt like the same way I do performance, and started maybe around the half-lead, as I started to recognize that I actually was doing this that I actually could do this. Completely shatterly nervous, and genuinely shocked no one commented, for surely the trembling was that obvious right?

It shouldn't be that surprising I can do this, not when I've drawn and thought about the line a few dozen times. My handling is nowhere near smooth, but I'm getting to a level where it is frequently approximately close enough, and good enough for everyone else to ring around me. I can, actually, ring things when I know the line. That's what it takes, that's what I need to do (and there's an interesting side conversation here, that says "now we know how we're going to learn the rest of the PICKLED EGG methods, we're just gonna sit down and draw like a maniac.)

It shouldn't be surprising but it so is and that's...such a weird sad commentary on my brain. I have to be surprised at this because the alternative is actually thinking I can do it, and that's just not going to happen now is it?

Anyways, ringing continues to be a fascinating reflection of the inner stuff into the outer world. And apparently I can ring Cambridge minor now. I'm proud of that.

~Sor MOOP!

0: I've tracked everything I've rung since December 21st 2017, which accounts for all of my tower methods -I missed some instances of tenoring, rounds, and called changes but I doubt a lot of any of them, since the first few months are always handling and I only started at the end of August. But I know there were a couple instances of handbells, so like, probably plain bob and hunting and maybe even grandsire and very maybe Stedman from the tenors. (I learned the line for Stedman stupid early. This is like entirely Austin's fault.)

1: Okay, this is an exaggeration, but I'm not sure in which direction. I can ring Plain Bob and Grandsire and Stedman on expected stages² up to 8, and I can ring Cambridge exclusively minor -I have not even looked at Major yet. But I can also theoretically ring Reverse or Double Bob (I've certainly rung both on handbells). And does hunting count as a method? Oh, and Bastow, and also the thing where everyone Treble Bob Hunts.

2: I cannot, for instance, ring Grandsire Major, though I have a sneaking suspicion that either Cally or Austin thinks it actually exists.

Gonna write about bells, since I just rang the entire night and I'm feeling pretty good!

***

Why is bells sometimes Really Hard for me, and what does that actually mean.
(an incoherent and ~~probably~~certainly meandering essay by Sor Kyress¹, that probably won't get finished tonight, but ought to be posted at least.)

So! I do change ringing! I have for a little over two years² now! It is a mathematical loud hobby that involves patterns and going places you're not supposed to be and cooperation and precision and practice. It's a hobby where you have to spend several months before you can be a 101 level beginner. It's got a wonderful, warm, group of people (with _shockingly_ low levels of interpersonal drama, knock wood), and regular practices, and parts you can do alone (draw diagrams) and parts you have to do in a group (ring) and occasional competition and being in high places, and endurance challenges and a lovely mix of physical-versus-mental. I'm very fond of it, and will happily talk your ear off about it more later.

It also may be the single thing that has made me cry most (second most?³) in the past few years. Sooooo...why.

(I don't think I'm right now at a point where I have to ask "why are you doing this". I got asked that by both Austin and my therapist in the same week, back last February or so, which shook me enough to make a couple changes about how I was reacting to bell-stress, to wit, not writing self-hating things anymore in the ringing diary.)

But why does it make me cry? Because bells is designed to be a hobby that's very appealing to the smart, fast, precise part of my brain that revels in doing well at challenging things. But it's also designed to be a hobby that absolutely _brutalizes_ my rejection sensitive dysphoria because jegus christ kiddo, you're not perfect and how dare that be the case.

If you mess up in bells --and you will mess up, everyone messes up-- you can sometimes get back on track, but sometimes not. Sometimes you are just spiraling stuck and unable to scramble into a place. That's very frustrating, quadrupled when suddenly everyone is yelling at you to boot.

(There's more I could say about that, but it rubs very badly against some of the things I'm not good at talking about, so I'm not.)

If you mess up in bells, even if you get yourself back on track, sometimes you get other people off track as well, and it cascades and fires out but you know it was you who fucked up first.

If you mess up in bells and everyone gets back on track and keeps going, it still had that section that sounded _awful_. This is not a subtle hobby. You cannot hide your missteps. If your handling is poor, it will be evident to everyone in the band, room, and block.

Ways to mess up in bells seem pretty much evenly divided between handling mistakes (you're not practiced enough, your body is not good enough at doing this thing you are asking of it) and method mistakes (you are not smart enough, your mind does not hold things well enough.) And I suppose also focus mistakes (wait, hunting five or six? Is this a plain method or am I treble bobing? Did I miss a dodge? Did I skip a place?)

I have spent at least seventeen years actively struggling against and with the concept of perfection. Intellectually, I can know it's not attainable. But my upbringing was such that the expectation of me was nothing less, and now my internal judgement is absolutely locked onto perfect as the only acceptable answer⁴.

Furthermore, perfect is the only acceptable answer, but it's not something to be lauded or rewarded. If you are less than perfect, you should feel shame --and I am using a very specific form of the word "you" here that means "me and absolutely no one else", aren't pronouns fun-- but if you are perfect, well yeah, that's where you should be in the first place.

So praise doesn't exactly work for me at bells. I like hearing it, I suppose, as intellectual calibration/confirmation of how I'm doing, and every once in a while something cuts through particularly nicely⁵, but praise doesn't actually...feel...good? The close cousin to perfection is arrogance, and that's probably how I come off if you say "you did that well" and I say "yes I know", but that's all my brain has space for --yes, I did it well, I was _supposed_ to do it well, I'm also breathing well and you're not applauding that.

I just don't understand being praised for something I _should_ be doing right in the first place.

And entangled with _that_ is the fact that, despite being a fucking trainwreck failure at self-assurance⁶, I do actually have a reasonably close idea of what I can do. It needs tweaking every now and again, but most of the time when I make a request or grab a rope, I know what I'm getting into. So again, if you ask for a touch of Stedman doubles, and talk me through what happens during a single, and I say "cool, I'm good for this" then yes it's very likely to go first-time well. But I don't get _praise_ for that, it went well because I wouldn't have said I was good if it wasn't going to be.

So bells is a lot of fun and very pretty to listen to, but I'm not so good at it as to not totally make it sound less pretty, and then the rest of the touch is essentially ruined because jegus, why did I fuck up the beginning so badly?

I want to be good at this. I want to be so much better than I am at this, I want my handling to be smooth and accurate and sharp and crisp and forget methods, I can learn methods, I just want to sound right. And believe you me, every time I don't, I notice and I file it away.

And depending on where my mood is at, that filed away "yep, imperfect and therefore failure" can be something I can laugh off or something that crushes my heart with the weight of the implied worthlessness. That second one is the thing I do when I have to go vanish, I go to the secret places a little bit and sob out "not good enough" at myself for a few minutes until I can unspiral and return. But returning is tempered by recognizing my own inherent lack of worth, and for the rest of practice I tend to be very very quiet. This is maybe a concentration thing? If I turn off emotions and engagement, I can focus better on the bells? Maybe also an accountability thing, if I stop taking ropes on my own and instead wait for assignments, I don't have to worry as much that I fucked it up for everyone else.

Anyways, it's fifteen minutes past bedtime, and I don't have any conclusions, obviously. Tonight I rang every single thing (small band, the way it shook out) which means I did two touches of Bob Minor inside, a touch of Stedman Doubles, treble-bobbing to both minor and major bands, Cambridge Places for the very first time, ringing up the tenor, and ringing down the treble. Some of it I got compliments on after, specific ones to me. Some of it was less successful. I feel _happy_ about all of it, I do like this hobby after all, but I don't know that I can feel _successful_ about any. It's hard for me not to see the flaws in what I do.

Objectively, it was a phenomenal night. Subjectively...*shrugs* I didn't go off and cry, and I didn't dissociate, and honestly, I'll take that win.

Maybe more later someday, if anyone ever reads this monstrosity.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: (unrelated) This is actually my full name when I'm being Sorcy. Which means my full name is longer than my nickname, but shhh. There's like...at least three different renamings by friends that takes me from my original Sluggy.net username of Sorceress to Sor Kyress, and I am way into it, honestly.

2: Two months, 23 days...

3: Gender bullshittery is waaaaaay up there. And admittedly, so is worrying about my job. And occasional other stuff. Okay look, I cry a _lot_ okay, it just is. I've brought it up to my therapist, t's probably fine.

4: It remains so frustratingly weird that I never really felt like I could celebrate passing my unit five, because of the 25 categories you can get ranked on (of which you need to get B or better in a certain two, and no more than 2 D's) I got 24 A's. People don't really share their scores around, but the bits and pieces I've gleaned is that this is unprecedented. But it wasn't perfect, so who cares?

5: Tonight Bryn asked if I was working on Cambridge, and when I said that maybe I should start, she told me "I think you'll do very well" --we did Cambridge places as part of kaleidoscoping.

6: I am alluding to the hour it took me to write my fucking AGM application, because one of the questions was something like "what are you competent at ringing" and it broke me because nothing obviously but that's not a helpful answer and I am compelled to give the people what they want.

Iiiiiit was such a long day, full of so many things, and lots *and lots* of swearing at the T.

Last night I did the very dumb "bad at sleep" thing and fell asleep on the couch for a while and finally dragged myself up and to real bed at like three in the morning. This meant that this morning could've been real groggy, but luckily I was pretty lucid, maybe because I did sleep a goodly amount on the couch first.

This also meant that ALL of my planning and packing for today was done this morning between my alarm going off at 9:30 and scampering out to the bus stop at 10:30. I knew I had to be as on time as possible for bells, for Bells Project, but also that I needed...a lot of stuff for all of today.

Scamper scamper to bells, stopping at Dunks in Harvard station for breakfast, and missing the red line by about thirty seconds. Which was alright, as it meant I could actually sit and consume bagel for a bit. Scamper scamper, run into Kirby on the walk up to Old North, be the third and fourth people in the tower.

Old North has artists-in-residence right now who have been working on cool projects, including some stuff with the bell ringers. So two of the artists were hanging with us today, filming us ringing and the like. It was pretty entertaining, the amount they felt like...anthropologists there to study us!

(Sidenote: Ringing went really well on minor, and then crashed _hard_ once we were doing seven and eight, and like...nothing went for an hour, even stuff that _really_ should've went. Some of it was my fault (falling off the back on uncovered Stedman trips), some of it really wasn't (conductor trying to call me into the back in Stedman when I, and the rest of the band, agreed I should still be doing the slow work). Eventually we gave up and rang some hunting until we like...had recalibrated ourselves.

All this is a fancy way of talking around the fact that I added singles to Stedman doubles, like not just other people doing calls around me but me too, and they are trivial and lovely and it gives me hope that maybe-just-maybe I could do a quarter of this someday.)

Post ringing was going downstairs and doing some fun movement stuff for the benefit of the artists. It basically was a bunch of pseudo-ringing-on-bodies, with us moving around in different pew boxes in the pattern of plain hunt. I really look forward to seeing their finished product, some of the film they produced was already pretty damn spifty.

Near the very end, I made a comment about actually ringing on bodies, and they were like ?? so we had to go fetch the secret tower stash of handbells and drag them down to the main church room and do some ringing on bodies in the aisle by the altar. This was a-plus excellent, because ringing on bodies always is. We did hunting (and got both the artists through plain-hunt-six, yay!) and then Bastow, and then STEDMAN DOUBLES! Which is a _lot_ of fun on bodies, because the paths are totally weird.

I really _really_ want to have a bodies party sometime, and try some totally off the wall stuff. Cally made a joke about doing the 23-spliced nonsense that a bunch of folks are working on and like...I would one hundred percent learn each and every one of those bullshit methods if we were gonna do it on bodies. That'd be *hilarious*.

Anywho, I skipped bellslunch to do more scampering, swore at the orange line a bunch, and did somehow make it to W.Roxbury in time for rehearsal for the Scottish ceilidh. Which was a much better time than I was expecting, actually! I was sorta not in a space for it either in general or specifically tonight, but the energy was really good, our demo dancing was lovely, and I got to have a lot of good conversations and hangouts with nice people. Chief among those were getting to see Triona, who lives in Michigan and I miss her, and 11-year old friend E, who comes from an entire family of super awesome people.

Also, the demo dances went pretty damn well. Small mistakes here and there, but I wasn't responsible for any major disasters, and I feel good about that. Near the end of the night, a couple of strangers complimented me on my beautiful movements (!) which was just...so so nice and really made me smile.

It's been a good weekend. Tomorrow, Austin and I are likely gonna do a _something_, details to be decided later. Hope y'all are well!

~Sor
MOOP!

Short version:

I am having a _lot_ of really bad brainweird this con, so that's fun. Being useful is critically important to my mood. Trying to do as much of that as humanly possible. Cally is insisting that I go try and have a quarterpeal tomorrow afternoon on handbells (after I was interested in one) rather than go take apart the miniring. Not sure what will happen with that.

(Being told I _have_ been useful is Not Helpful. Not in the way that kindness isn't helpful¹, but more in the way thanks isn't helpful. I don't do things to be _thanked_ I do things because they have to be done.

There are some new thoughts percolating about the fact that in the October Daye books, thank you implies some form of fealty, and maybe part of it is that I don't think people should be offering me that form of themself.

Anyways, the helpful thing remains giving me concrete things I can do. Or being Cally, who has powers of distraction and calmness beyond most other mortals.)

ANYways, besides the utter brainweird, most of today and tonight was good. I didn't cry nearly as much as Friday², and I did do some ringing, and I was helpful in bits and pieces here and there. I made sure to wait with Cally at the end of it all, and her ride, so she wouldn't be alone and I think that's a good thing. I spent quite a lot of time in the actual belfry of Old North --27 separate visitors wanted to go see the bells while ringing!

Banquet started out extremely a lot, mostly due to the fact that I am eternally rubbish at the FOMO "which table do I sit at in this big room" especially when I'm having brainweird. So I basically dove for the first table that looked remotely acceptable and didn't have anyone I actually knew, and spent most of dinner chatting with Anna, who is very keen, and by the end of it we were swapping mental health stories and splitting a second serving of dessert.

Also, post dinner was *delightful*. Arthur recommended that I check out the art in the next room, which involved me dragging Todd for Art Adventures to go see a magnificent painting with like thirty people in it. They were probably all real people, because in the very middle was Bill Clinton, the only one either of us could recognize. Later we got teased by one of the older ringers for not having also recognized Larry Bird, which is how I learned that tall, handsome, square-of-jaw and firm-of-muscle Todd is *not* a jock, and also how sweet, quiet, almost-certainly-in-marching-band JohnB is.

(I kid, but the histrionics Todd went into when I called him a Jock as he tried desperately to defend his nerddom --"I PLAY DEE AND DEE" he gasps-- were *hilarious*)

((Also, it's worth noting that every single person in this entry, and indeed, at the AGM, is probably a Huge Fucking Nerd. To be more accurate, bellringing is inherently pretty damn nerdy, as hobbies go)).

Walking to the T was with Austin and JohnB and Alison-from-Northhampton-and-Victoria. We decided to go through the middle of the St. Andrews festival, which was shockingly crowded, and Alison recited big chunks of Ladle Rat Rotten Hut to us, a thing which I am genuinely shocked I've never even heard of. The world will never cease to be full of strange wonders!

There's one more day to go, and I should probably go to bed so I can get six hours of sleep (and two meals and one shower) before demonstrating how the miniring works to random churchgoers. Ta!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Kindness is very very hard, as

choco_frosh no doubt observed when he crouched next to me last night at the picnic and cheerily said "how are you?" causing me to burst into tears and sob into his shoulder for a mo'. I very nearly started crying again a bit later when Julia looked at me and said "you don't have a drink, would you like water or anything" and then fetched me a lemonade.

Anyways, kindness is not necessarily the most helpful thing for when I am borked, because like...if you are too tender to me I will think you care and become all unmasked again. Distraction is the best for that. But far be it for me to tell anyone to stop being kind.

2: ...yeah, you know what, I probably could approximate pretty closely, but that's just...not helpful to anyone. More than one stretch of 45+ minutes though, and this in a day where I was almost always surrounded by People³.

3: People = not-strangers in this case. I can cry in front of strangers, I don't give a _shit_ if I cry in front of strangers, I never have to interact with them again.

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Katarina Whimsy

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MOOP!

The Rantings of a Terminal Optimist

Entries tagged with tintinnabulation

Charlie Guiteau drew a crowd to the scaffold....

Good Saturday, busy Saturday

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Come bellringing!

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Bellscasting

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Bells Jargon, other life updates

Ringing Levels

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Today was good!

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