MOOP!

So, today's big project of the day was NEW BED!

Specifically, new mattress, and putting some bed risers in place. Everything else is the same old same old. I guess I changed the sheets, but it's not like I got new sheets. (I continue to deeply love owning nothing but dinosaur sheets.)

See, somewhere in the last few months, both Tuesday and Austin have been all "hm, you're aware that your mattress is actually complete shit, right?" and I've been like "yeah, it's ten years old YOLO" because I am an ADHD nightmare childe. But I have tried to bear their comments in mind, and kept my brain whirring about "yeah, it's deffo time for me to replace my mattress sometime". I even made a Facebook post asking for advice, which I then completely ignored.

And then yesterday, friendChris was dropping some supplies off at my house (Chris is moving and the supplies will be donated to work) and in small talk about how the move and packing is going he offhandedly said something about needing to get rid of a mattress. "Wait, shit, what size, what condition?" said I, and upon determining that it was a full and a couple years old, said "yeah, lemme see if I can arrange for a car" and that was that.

FriendKyle was all "sure, I have a car with roof rack and some strapping, and also my Sunday timing works out impeccably with yours [as long as I come to service ringing too] and so post-bells¹ Kyle and I traipsed off to his house. It was nice to get to see how his post-moving is going, and rifle through his and Clara's bookshelf a bit, and admire some art.

In the morning, Ezri had helped me to move the old mattress (and the futon mattress it was lying on) downstairs so all Kyle had to do was help me haul the mattress down from the third floor of Chris's (I forgot to warn on this part), strap it to his car, and haul it into our first floor. Ezri had also agreed to help me get it up to my room, which was good because after I hugged Kyle goodbye, Ezri and I tromped upstairs and they provided invaluable moral (and occasionally material) support while I:

*vacuumed the box spring *wiped down the entire frame with a damp rag *vacuumed/mopped the floor under the bed *put the frame up on risers *got anti-slip stuff for the risers and also took the wheels off my bedframe. I am especially appreciative of their thoughtfulness in various suggestions about making sure my bed was not likely to fall off the risers, although some of that might just be the practicality of "their bedroom is right below mine".

And then the surprisingly simple task of "haul a mattress up the stairs" and now I have a new bed. I have not finished making it, although I will do that shortly. With the trash this week, out goes the incredibly old futon mattress that was my first bed post-college (thanks BelmHouse!) as just general bulk-trash. And then the day after goes the mattress that was my Big Adult Purchase Of A Real Bed, in...

lesseee. This is coming up on the end of year four at the MFA. One year at nBs in Belmont. Three years at Dance House in Medford, and three years at ARSES before it, and I got it right at the start of moving in at ARSES. So yeah, old mattress was rounding up towards eleven years old.

Time to find out how it sleeps (I guess before I actually throw out the old one in the unlikely event that Oh No This Is Bad.)

~Sor
MOOP!

1: We've all been a little all over the place this weekend -do not ask about our first attempt at Stedman this morn, although we did have a redemptive one later on- but it's actually been a pretty fun ringing weekend. Yesterday was a Just Delightful "of the six of us, you two both have some Serious Focus Areas so let's do that" and practice was so much plain hunt and it was _great_. I don't really know very well how to teach this late-beginner stage of ringing, but I'm really enjoying getting to be part of a supportive band for it!

I am sad, and it sucks and I don't like it.

Some of it is the usual genocide-other-genocide-plague-climate-disaster background radiation that makes my brain constantly quietly ache. Some of it is the February-work-is-hard-burn-out-where-is-the-sun-and-the-warm background radiation that makes my body sad and tired. Some of it is slightly more immediate and pinpointable Weird-Relationship-Stuff-Where-I-Am-Probably-Not-Doing-A-Good-Enough-Job.

I am anxious and burnt-out and tired and not good enough and it's making me sad.

And I fucking hate that this has been my most productive Saturday in like a century. I put on cute makeup in the morning¹. I ordered more meds. I ran a decent bells practice with only seven people, one of whom had never touched a bell before yesterday³. I socialized with old and new friends (Micah and aforementioned new ringer) and got to take the train home with them. I read an entire book⁴. I attended a zoom meeting for RSCDSBoston teachers and provided insights. I organized my bookshelf (a task that has been on my todo list for over a year). I did the tax.

And I'm still sad. I'm productive sad, and feel better about myself than if I was non-productive sad, probably I guess, but like. I...I don't know. There is an overwhelming amount of Still To Do, I'm not quite finished, and also the part where I'm still Not-Good-Enough so that's cool as shit.

Yesterday I got home after bells and sat up on my staircase for half an hour and cried. I made myself sad with Bad Times Daydreams, a thing I try not to actually indulge, and then I cried, and like...if I hadn't been full of the anxiety and the burnt-out and the tired I wouldn't have been tempted into it in the first place.

And it's eleven o clock at night and I don't really know what to do with myself. I'm actually listening to music⁵, I've already played my daily challenges of Hexcells and Necrodancer, I could read Holes which finally got released from my library holds? I should/could Grundos since I haven't today? I deserve ice cream, or to open a new set of dice or something because I did the accounts?

(I am behind on Dicember, they said, still always acutely aware of the things they Have Not Done, even several months later.)

Productive and Sad is worlds better than unable-to-do-stuff-Depressed, but it's still not joyous. And it's lack of sun and a world that wants me dead and some of that will change in the summer but maybe I am facing a universe where I'm never joyous again. It's not the best thought, though of course because I am immortal I will have to sort out how to deal with it, just like everything else.

("Perhaps I am a miscreation no one knows the truth there is no future here" plays as I write this, and hm and huh and yeah. Sometimes past!Sor made good playlists.)

Anyways, I hope you are able to be joyous. I hope you are able to be as productive as is soothing to your soul, and do not have to be more than that. I hope we can hang out soon and go to a T-station for a selfie (I have not forgotten, it is just still cold).

I love you. I mean that to me as well, even if it doesn't sound like it. I'm allowed to love sad people too, who would be left if I wasn't?

I love you.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I mean, I woke up and as I started to get dressed was hit with so much dysphoria I had to wear a binder on a non-work day, which does not happen I have gone bra-free² and it's great. So it's less cute makeup and more _war paint_ and that's fine, I'm sure it's fine.

2: I still own a handful of "girl bras" which I wear with certain ball gowns some of the time. And I bind for work, and this year it's all real binders instead of sports bras because I made a really big gc2b order last June and now I own like eight binders instead of two. But me tiddies are wee and I like better not particularly compressing them in the day-to-day, it turns out.

3: Okay technically she also had one day of handling at Smith at some nebulous point in the past, but that doesn't count for reasons I'll decide later.

4: Wayside School is Falling Down, which may be the most iconic one, it's certainly where all the chapters I particularly remember/enjoy are: the three chapters 19, the one with Myron becoming Free, the one that's backwards, "I got one sock, looking for its brother", and Star Bringing Purple.

As an aside, the chapters 19 hit _so much different_ now that I am a teacher myself, holy wow.

5: Although it occurs to me that in my current mood, "Between" is not the correct song. What happens if we put "Space Monkey Mafia" on loud instead?

OKAY HI!

I just slept for...like the better part of ninety minutes? Basically crashed at about 9 and didn't make it back up until about 10:30. But the good news was that was after PowerHour, so it was nice to do that? And in PowerHour I helped make dinner and I washed the dishes and I read my book!

I didn't get home until seven, but that's because I had the big work-stack --work, then meeting with Christine about licensure and my observation today, and then curriculum committee, and then therapy, and then I was gonna leave but I got _really_ into listening to a three-hour Wellerman youtube vid while doing all my remaining grading. So now everything is graded for the rest of the year except like...six warm-ups and the final exam. And all the late shit my students turn in late when they realize their grades are shit and don't hafta be.

But yeah, I left school after six (normal but not actually contractually allowable --I am supposed to leave the building by six, which happens...I dunno, half the time?) but it was a good after six, and I must've been in a quite good mood because I sang songs the whole way home and that was pretty nice.

(My emotional regulation is all hinky because covid-bullshit-trauma-dissociation, so I wouldn't have actually called my mood happy, but I think I just need to shift all my baselines and look for new identifiers of things like this. If I am singing as I walk through the streets of my town, that deffo seems like things are either quite alright or _really fucking bad_ and I know it wasn't the latter one.)

Andsoyeah. PowerHour covered washing dishes and helping make dinner and eating dinner and chatting with Ezri and Rey a bit about stressy-stuff. And then sitting down with my book (I've gotten far enough in the Peter Wimsey mysteries that I am rereading Murder Must Advertise and I am _pumped_! I last read this one like...in October maybe? Early November? Anyways, it's fabulous and I don't normally reread books quite this close together, but I am four chapters in and _really_ enjoying the different perspective of having seen the good Lord do other mystery things along the way.)

And then I slept and that's how we got here! If I finish my words quickly enough, I will be able to go into a bed and sleep for ~six whole hours~ in the bed. This is very exciting for me, and probably explains part of why I'm so fucked up right now.

Anyways, I hope you are well and that your life is charmed and good.

~Sor
MOOP!

OKAY!

I have just opened my 31st box from the Dice Advent-ure! I've finished the whole box!!!

I am actually pretty proud of myself for this --the first day I opened a die was Jan 25, meaning it's been nearly 70 days to open the 31 days of the calendar. BUT. BUTTTTTTT.

My ADHD brain is not good at _sustaining_ progress. I'm great at doing dumb little braingames that work for a few days. I am not great at making them last more than a few days. So the fact that I managed to do over two months of returning to this is actually Really Good!

And now I get to earn dice twice as fast! I can open ~up to two boxes~ each day! Here's how:

Box 1: Accomplish >15 tasks from my list of dailies (currently 21 items: sleep 6+ hours, read comics and DW, brush teeth in morning, meds, brush teeth in evening, write my words, be outside, play PokemonGo, shower, do something with my hair, cleaning task for the house, cleaning task for my room, do at least 1 pull up, do at least five push-ups, inbox 0 for the day, floss, play Morsegame, take a POWER HOUR, pull tarot, [secret], [also secret].

Box 2: Accomplish One ToDo Item From Each Category. This is always going to be three categories, right now they are "Long-Term" "Short-Term" and "Work" but I'm not convinced that's where they're going to stay. I'm not allowed to double-dip --which is to say, I can clean my desk for a room cleaning daily *or* for a short-term todo item, but not for both in the same day. I am allowed to do more things than just three, but having a three-thing variety seems good. For tomorrow, I have pre-chosen the items, but I don't know if that will stay the case.

"Wait but I thought the advent calendar only has 31 days?"

It does. Yesterday before she left, Tuesday went through the four packages of dice I've had delivered in the last few months and divvied up some of those sets. I have genuinely no idea which ones she's chosen for me to get and when and I am EXCITED for this.

(I am, in a smaller way, excited to have people in my life who get excited for me and want to help me with my weird little brainhacks. Cheerleaders are good, actually.)

This is still just the next step of an incremental progress, but it feels monumental. I like that. I like that sometimes small things can build into satisfying big things.

~Sor
MOOP!

Accomplishments from today:

*Slept in until basically 11:30, which was extremely enjoyable and probably necessary for my brain and body to repair themselves a bit. I'm still trying to get enough sleep, and getting around 7 hours most nights, but I miss the solid eight every night I was getting.

*Helped Ezri rearrange the hotel room a bit, so that it is more sensible for living in.

*Got my flu shot! I saw a note from former-roommate Becca that she had gone to the Burlington Wegmans and gotten hers at the drive up clinic, and I went "wait, that's just across the parking lot from me" so me and Rey put on our shoes and masks and walked through a drive-through space. It was very entertaining and the pharmacy workers gave us absolutely zero guff, which was nice. Currently my arm is achey, but I always forget that the flu shot is like the quickest least painful shot, damn.

*Also I have been drawing dinosaurs for people who have also gotten their flu shots, and I will extend this offer to you, my friend. If you get your flu shot and let me know, I will draw you a little dinosaur. Feel free to ask for a specific action or thing the dino says, otherwise I will do ridiculous things.

*Helped sous chef a bit for dinner, which was nice.

*Finished rewatching collection 7 of Great British Bake Off on Netflix, and began watching the Brand! New! Season! It's my first time ever actually keeping up with the episodes as they air, so I'm quite excited for that.

*Finished the photo project (again). I still haven't started the tagging half, but when I did the big "get everything from the hard drive actually accessible¹ I came up with another 50k photos or so, many of which were probably duplicates of things I'd already grabbed, but fuck it, I'm gonna double check and make sure I've gotten everything Just In Case. I think now I just need to double-check that my phone photos are all in there, and then I can start Tagging In Earnest.

*Played about four hours of Animal Crossing. I haven't played very much at all the past few weeks, and that's been slightly a bummer, so it was nice to get a long stretch today.

And that's me right now. Tomorrow I will have to do quite a bit of work-work, because that's what I *didn't* manage to do today. I hope you're well. Get your flu shot.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: fuck you very much Time Machine. Which is a way of backing up your mac to an external hard drive in such a way that you can't access the files without another mac. I try not to play OS wars because that's a boring and bullshit game, but _seriously_ Apple?!

Today was a good day!

(We're gonna ignore the little voice in the back of my head that is being all "great, you've had a few good days in a row, now it's all gonna go to shit and tomorrow will be part of the h e l l z o n e again. No brain. Don't do that. It's okay to just be happy where we're at right now.)

Today was a good day, and I am pleased by it, and here are some of the things I got done:

*Went to bed late and woke up late, but did get eight hours slep, which is the general goal. Had time to muck about a bit before my class-times.

*During class times, I saw three students (woo!) and had enough time to clean off/organize my desk (I have not yet figured out how 2computers1desk works, but it'll sort out eventually). Then I had enough time to catch up on all my grading for my Algebra students. Yay progress!

*Went to the RSCDS@home lesson, had a splendid time! Was pleased enough with the teacher that I sent him a nice email after, which is hopefully charming and not irritating. Also, he finished with "let's do an auld lang syne all across the world, cross those arms now" and wow did I fucking _shatter_ at that. It's interesting what it is that catches me out and reminds me "everything is wrong and it hurts so much"

*After that I ate lunch and played some Animal Crossing for a bit.

*Office Hours did not have any students show up *but* I was again work-productive (whaaaaaat) and managed to do all the grading for my Data Analysis seniors *and* submit their grades for progress reports. Those aren't due until Friday, so this is _deeply_ unprecedented.

*I actually made it to bells tonight --I've missed the last two weeks for reasons largely related to "pandemics are hard on the brain". Bells is, as always, fucking weird, but I did a successful touch of Cambridge minor (a bob at every lead end) (immediately preceded by a mostly successful plain course, in which I fucked up enough at the beginning that my brain decided very firmly it was going to do The Thing. I am glad I kept pushing through and didn't quit bells tonight despite it, I did mostly level out.)

Also rang GrandsireTrips (which I didn't think I knew? I still don't know if I know it, but the ringingroom runs slowly enough that I can fake it) and StedmanTrips (from the tenors, yes both of them! I know that's only one brain's worth of stuff and it's not actually impressive, but I'm pleased). Also spent quite a bit of time pub-chatting with various people, most of whoms voices I am _so happy_ to hear.

*Post bells was dinner (mostly eaten while listening to pubchat) and then chilling out while Ez did some Animal Crossing, and then realizing "oh hey, now is an optimal time to _actually work on Melody_ and do some stuff! So I did the absolute briefest searching on "how to import external hard drive" (first impressions: this is gonna suck, probably almost as bad as installing, *but* there's a way to just brute force the damn thing involving "use a working mac and a USB key to transfer the critical stuff")

*And then I did a bit more work with downloading A Music Software! Smammy recommended I try Quod Libet and on first pass it seems to do many of the things I am looking for. For trial reasons, I have downloaded all of my bandcamp purchases (which apparently included buying Wonders twice, NO REGRETS). This means my current library is about 515 tracks, 33% of which is s00j.

(About 20% each of Kate Nyx and Homestuck, and then the remaining 25% is "etc". I've got a W/IFS album, some Vienna Teng, some AJA, one musical, and a couple random internet things I bought at some point along the way. I am still looking forward to having access to EVERYTHING again, but this will be a good start!)

*I have also declared unto myself that I will be hanging out in Discord only on Melody, if at all possible, and not on the work computer anymore. Critically, this gives me the option of potentially trying to make a work discord account.

*Also, the "play fewer dumb phone games" strat that Jenn and I worked out yesterday has been successful for a first pass today, although it doesn't _really_ count since I didn't have any department meetings. We'll see what tomorrow brings!

I'm happy. It's been a good few days and I am happy for that, and that is a good thing, and the hell zone will happen when it happens and that will be okay too. I hope all of you are doing as well as you can. You have my love.

~Sor
MOOP!

This post will be updated later today or tonight (I hope) with further details. I was doing this like six months ago and it was a useful way to beat my brain into shape. I'm gonna try doing it again for as long as I can cling my attention to it and see if that helps at all.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
Work:
*Entered the grades for the Calc tests and the Algebra Friday Reviews that I graded over the weekend.
*Graded the Discrete Math classwork from last week and entered those grades
*Mucked about and made a new work-procrastination tool, to attempt to help me keep track of "who is missing what assignments". Part two of this will be talking to all my students and checking in about what assignments they are missing. And like, physically giving them those assignments. Which, let me be clear, will be much easier once I know what's what. So it's definitely a procrastination tool, but like all of those I create, it's hopefully a useful one.
*Did a SPED evaluation for a student that I've been putting off (for no good reason).
*Completed my dailies. (attendance, participation, check email, grade entrance tickets)
*Fully prepped my Calculus class for tomorrow, which means I'm 1/3 done for tomorrow, which is better than I've managed in _months_ basically.

DoingTheWork:
*Am making this post.
*Will go to therapy.
*EDIT: Did go to therapy. Had really good talk about emotional regulation, highs and lows, that kind of thing. Jenn used a _really_ useful term at one point that I now totally can't remember, will be keeping my mind out for that.

Environment:
*Hopefully will work on CLEANING MY FUCKING ROOM a bit tonight
*Also hopefully will brush my hair at therapy and then be able to wash my hair (????) which would be great. It's been way longer than I should admit.
*EDIT: Put away all the clean laundry and did one more load of dirty laundry. Room is still a mess, but I think it's finally been downgraded from catastrophe. Did not wash hair (but did brush it) Hopefully Thursday?

Hedonism:
*Date with The Boy!
*Listened to bunches of music at work and half-watched my favourite music videos.
*EDIT: Date with The Boy!!!! We got Indian, and went to my place semi-separately so we didn't have to walk the last mile (as close as you can get to mine with blue bikes) and then he hung out on my bed while I worked on my room and then snuggles and watching You Suck At Cooking and very soothing model train building videos and shower and bed! And his utterly gorgeous presence did not distract me from either words or moving laundry along, so that's very good.

Tonight I rang Stedman Doubles.

I watched the one real close as a different group was ringing it, and then when they finished leaned over and asked Danielle (who was leading practice), if I could have a go at it with a strong band if there was time. Danielle seemed totally delighted to let me do so (saying her plan was to have me practice the dodging, but this was fine too if I felt ready).

She said I should get a good job sticker after. Josh applauded. Margaret told me specific I did an excellent job and Elaine said I have to add the word "gloriously" to the sentence that starts this entry. I rang Stedman Doubles, for the first time tonight, and I did so gloriously.

I am somewhat frustrated with my brain, because it won't let me just have this. "But I know Stedman really well" it says. "It's the first thing I learned on the app, before Plain Bob even". "I've drawn it dozens of times". "I've rung it in hand more'n just about anything (except maybe PBM)". "We spent like an hour of that Saturday practice two weeks ago doing just the front work". "Elaine was pointing out my dodging partners for me".

My brain is saying all of those as minimizations, as "this isn't really anything special" as "this isn't actually an achievement because x-y-z." My brain is refusing to recognize the fact that what those are are all _steps on the ladder_ and of COURSE they led me to being able to do this tonight and do it well. None of these are minimizations, they're fucking *proof*.

I rang Stedman Doubles tonight, and I rang it gloriously, because I'm very well prepared for Stedman. I have spent a lot of time and quiet brain in the last year and a half practicing this method. I think it's beautiful and have put focus into knowing what it looks like, and learning the path from any number of positions. I've practiced being part of the sound of it on handbells. I've practiced the front work. I'm accepting help with the parts that are hard to see on paper (the pattern of who to dodge with and when) until I can learn them on my own.

If I work really hard on something, I can do it. And the work keeps going and going and sometimes it's easier and a lot of the time it's harder, and I beat my head around the different ways to say and understand and question and explain until it finally clicks. This is a thing I can do --I can practice, I _can_ learn. I do not have to be inherently good at things to be able to do them.

The Saturday where we did nothing but front work was so beautiful to watch, because I really do know the pattern of the slow work like the back of my hand, but it still took again and again and again with the ropes to get them where we wanted and have the handling enough in place. Now I do it ten thousand more times until it's utterly natural. Practice is a laudable goal. I am allowed to start out poorly.

Actually let, me say that last part again: I am allowed to start out poorly. I am allowed to be poorly in the middle. I am allowed to be still learning and to mess up and to need to start over again and again. I am allowed to have trouble counting places and difficulties remembering where to look, who I'm dodging with. And really, forget "allowed", I must do these things or I'll never get there in the first place.

Tonight I rang Stedman Doubles. One glorious plain course (with a beauteous smartass of a conductor saying "stand next please" instead of that's all, so we even came round perfectly into our ending.) I'm proud of myself, and that's allowed --it's been hard work to get here.

One good job sticker for me, please.

~Sor
MOOP!

Original Tags: bestof, tintinnabulation, accomplishments

Accomplishments:

Work:
*I made a whole long list on the back of an old entrance ticket. It's so much! I graded lots of things! I entered some grades! I printed off new attendance sheets! I successfully prepped for my one class!
*Yeah, so it was senior skip day and my first three classes had four students each. And in each case, one of those four spent most of the period not in the room. Whee!
*Still though, feels good to actually have gotten some *work* done at work. Now to do all the rest of the work. Sigh.

Social:
*Went off and had dinner at BelmHaus. It was delicious homemade lasagna, and then there were many board games and I showed them an episode of Taskmaster. Good social, good times!
*Also made plans to go see Ezri on Sunday afternoon, which is nominally "let's sign our lease and stuff" but also definitely a "come do grading on my bed" party.

Personal:
*Not much else. Not getting to emails, because it is very late and I need sleep.
*Day 161 of writing my words. My last streak that was this long ended in July of 2015. That streak was 160 days.

This is now the second-longest consecutive streak of writing, 750words, every day, that I've had. The longest was from July of 2010 to February of 2011. It was 220 days.

Let's go.

~Sor
MOOP!

Accomplishments:

Work:
*The usual
*Also cleaned off my desk _fucking finally_, so that's really good.
*Went to whole-school PD, principal asked for people to share their thoughts at the end, I was second person to volunteer, then no one else wanted to so THAT WAS GREAT AND NOT THE SLIGHTEST BIT AWKWARD OR EMBARRASSING ;_;
*Lost my cool at my Algebra kids who, to be fair, were being shits. Regained my cool and talked it out with them. They were...better. My humour was also better. Things were better. (I didn't shout at them, but it was close.)

Home:
*Did a load of laundry (but not put away yet, maybe tomorrow?)
*Put the dirty floordrobe into the hamper (but not the clean floordrobe back hanging up)
*Made a dinner, which means leftovers for tomorrowlunch
*Brought down the two dishes from my room, which was pretty good also that it's not more.

Body:
*Took a shower
*Went to Highland class! We did Sean Truibhas (with lots of working on steps) as a 4 and 2, whew! Also all the steps separately for Bonnie Dundee, and a four step Hornpipe. Whee! We did so much high cuts work, that my legs actually gave out for a brief moment and I had to sit down on the floor.
*Did not get up on first alarm.
*BIKED to and from Highland which is extra bonus points impressive.
*Have been drinking more water I think? Need to drink more water.

Logistics:
*Maia successfully nag-bribed me into firming up my NYC plans for Memorial Day weekend.
*I think I have _suspiciously few_ non-work things hanging over my head right now which means I should work on my summer plans.

Personal:
*Did a POWER HOUR, my first in a long time. It's how I got the laundry done
*Reread most of Silent to the Bone, which is one of my favourite YA novels, and I will probably finish it before sleeping
*Wrote well over 2k words before doing the Accomplishments, which is extra good since yesterday my words were basically _just_ accomplishments.
*Finally successfully did the day's email again! Now to catch back up the other five days I missed, sigh.

Pretty good day maybe?

~Sor
MOOP!