MOOP!

Heyo it’s pride month! Happy Pride, if that is something you celebrate in your particular version of yourself.

I’d love to hear what gender/romantic/sexuality identity words you are currently using, regardless of whether you think I know them or not (and regardless of whether or not you feel they qualify under the pride umbrella! I’m interested in knowing if you’re cis and allo and het too!). Drop a comment!

Here are mine:

I was really really really fascinated when I did the Gender Census and actively did not select nonbinary, because that is the word I use most often or maybe it’s just the word I use most often in front of [presumed] cishet people. But my gender is really “agender” or “genderneutral” or “genderqueer” or just “queer”. It’s not _exactly_ that I don’t have a gender, it’s more that my gender is a series of play and performance and not a singular identity? I’m not sure on that, I’m going to keep poking at that one (especially because despite the sound of it, I don’t usually use the term “genderfluid”.) Anyways, my pronoun is “they”¹ and my title is “mx” and both of those make me so fucking happy every time I hear someone using them.

Romantically, I am “queer” first and foremost, but I also use bisexual pretty often and gay occasionally. Historically I have been attracted to and dated men (to the point where I sometimes joke I am the worlds worst lesbian –I have kissed a substantial number of FAAB people who later do not identify as female) but in more recent years it’s been pretty clear that I am attracted to queerness, whatever that means. I date very few people who are both cis and het (and indeed, my own gender means people who seriously date me cannot be irrevocably straight.)

Romantically I am polyamorous, and aim to not be the nesting/primary partner for any of my partners. I have been known to say both “my primary partner is work” and “my primary partner is dance” and I stand by at least the latter of those. I am in five serious relationships and have a small handful of comets or flirtations, some of which seem never to go anywhere. I keep a list of everyone I’ve ever kissed/fucked/dated and sometimes put future speculation on there because I am a horrible gremlin but also at this point I am interested to find out if I have enough historical data to actually make longterm predictions.

Sexually, I am slutty. Bodies are so _so_ attractive to me, and I wind up Noticing Respectfully people just about everywhere I go, because dang, have you seen people? People are so hot. Like...so many people are so hot. I have a lot more experience and confidence with penis-based-anatomy than with vulva-based anatomy. I don’t receive PiV intercourse, and I don’t believe in orgasms as the point of sex, which means my sex sometimes looks very different from what people might think. I am kinky and like tying just about anyone up, sexually or not. I’m wired a little funny vis-a-vis pain and pleasure and what makes me happy to receive. I’m the biggest voyeur in the entire universe and absolutely want to hear about your sex life, especially if it ~looks weird~ so I can reassure you that no that’s awesome and I’m glad you have weird things that make you happy.

Fundamentally, I am Queer, in the sense of “the only truly universal queer experience is doubting you’re queer enough”. There is room under my umbrella for you, and you are welcome here with me. Community is good and there is no such thing as a “good queer” to the people who hate us, so why not just be magnificently ourselves instead?

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I have secret pronouns as well, a set of neopronouns that I am rolling around in the back of my brain to see if they ever actually amount to something good. You probably don’t know me well enough to get me to tell you what they are, especially because I haven’t quite worked out all the grammar yet. To be clear though, they are a joke, and that’s an important part of them, that they are something playful, because I could say “my gender is play” and be hardly shitposting at all.

Took a look at deadlines. Turns out only one of my classes is a grad class, and therefore has grades due on the ninth. Everything else has grades due on the fourteenth. This isn't perfect, and I still have to get a lot done in a little time, but it's more time than previously realized. I'm back to the point where I'm thinking maybe I can do this and actually graduate.

And then find a job and an apartment and a job and an apartment¹ and join the real world and plan my summer and all the little tiny things I want to do.

Not gonna lie, part of me wants to just vanish for a length of time. Take a week-month-quarter-year where I officially declare myself to have no obligation to anyone. It would kill my social life, and be cruel to those who love me. It's still a temptation. I just want a break.

I haven't written in a long time. Seriously, if you're on the sexfilter, you've got access to about 80%² of everything I've written these past two or three weeks. I don't know if I can get across how rare that is. Usually there are essays, there are stories, there is BehindtheWalls and 750words and notebooks upon notebooks and just...words. Blessed safe words, to protect me and help me find what I need.

And it's not there right now. My internship is destroying me --classes, being so _busy_ so _overwhelmed_ is destroying me. I love teaching, I love my career, I think I could be so good at this.

Do I have to sacrifice who I was to become who I will be? How can I balance my selves until I find the right spot of who I am? I miss writing -actively, seriously miss it- but when I find myself at a computer, there is all the echoes of What I Should Do that are so much stronger and truer. They choke the words.

And I do not wish to be enslaved to a box anyways.

Hopefully the summer will calm down, and I will find the time to write. I need it, to remain familiar with who and what I am.

I've inadvertently put thought into an OKCupid account, despite the crucial problem that they've no provisions for those of us who aren't just "male" or "female". I hate empty profiles, is all, and in writing things for there, I can write things about myself, and see if I can better identify who I am.

Also, it's the first space on the internet that belongs first to Erik, then to Kat. Oh sure, most spaces belong to Sor, and she is neither one nor the other, but when not Sor, then it more often defaults to the more common name, and gender, and identity. It's nice to give Erik a place of his own sometimes.

Soon I have to teach again, take the lesson I stumbled through and see if I can do a better job. Though in truth, the students know all I'm teaching, I just have to put it together for them. Help them put it together themselves. This is doable.

I've been writing materials for a first day, things to put in my portfolio and show to employers. It's an assignment for school, sure, but it's also actually fun, a good thing to think about. As part and parcel, I have written my first syllabus.

It's a game. Can I get through without ever once providing gender to myself, nor drawing attention to that fact. Currently, I'm winning.

I'm going to get this done. And I'm going to graduate on time. There will be family and food and cheering and then friends and drinks and reminiscence and I will not get a chance to be alone and break down and sob with relief and joy until much too late at night. But that's okay.

It's a thing, and I am going to make it happen. I can do that sometimes.

I am powerful, after all.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: This is not redundancy. I have a couch I'll be sleeping on come early June, I need to find a job for the summer so I can afford an apartment for the summer so I can find a job for the fall so I can afford an apartment in the fall. This is my life right now.

2: Exempting school. And school has probably been 80% of my output the past couple weeks. Yep.

I hate crying.

I hate it more than many many things, and what I hate most of all is crying out of frustration, or over something stupid, or for no damn reason at all. I hate it because it makes me feel small, and weak. I hate it because it means I'm living a stereotype I want to avoid, that of the feeble, dainty female, who needs to be protected, and coddled, and helped along. She's not strong enough to do it herself --better let someone else take over.

Yesterday, I went shopping with mom. Part of this was a lovely trip to the bra shop, so I can actually have more than two bras that fit me well and I enjoy wearing. Sitting in the dressing room, trying on a cute little 34A -just my size!

And the cups are too damn big for my tits! I don't even know how it happened, just all of a sudden I'm sitting alone in the fitting room, trying not to sob loud enough so that someone actually hears. It's really *really* stupid --I love having small tits, it saves me a world and a half of trouble-- but it's just the defeat of wearing the smallest bra in the store, and having it gape. I know I ain't ever gonna be big and curvy and beautiful, but c'mon gods. That's just mean.

It wasn't more than a couple seconds, barely enough tears to wet my cheeks. I pull myself together, get over it, take a few deep breaths until the mirror shows a pale enough countenance to play normal. I continue shopping, the event passed, but somewhere, deep in the back of my mind, I have taken a slap to the face.

Because I was crying. Over a fucking piece of *clothing*. Because I am a woman, because I am weepy, and because I am weak. That metaphorical slap trails off to join all the hundreds of thousands of minor slaps and taunts and jeers that have collected over the years in the back of my mind, a collection of laughter over how little strength I actually possess.

It's every time I drop something, or run into something, or trip over something. It's every "slow down or you'll hurt yourself", every "take a deep breath and relax". It's frustration at being lonely, being stupid, being lost and unlovable and painfully painfully insecure, and it's frustration at being so easily frustrated, and so unable to change.

It's techno fandom thinkin' I can't move baseplates for the pipe and drape. It's Target sending me away to "go get something you *can* lift -like pillows!" It's every single customer, male or female, who doesn't think I can when I offer to carry something big and heavy out to their car for them, and tells me as much. Why the fuck would I offer if I couldn't carry it, asshole?!

It's being weak, and crying at that weakness, because I'm just so tired of it. And every time I cry over something stupid, I hear society's evil little voice in the back of my mind. "Aww, look at the stupid little girl, someone better go help her."

(I cannot *stand* being helped. I'm too stubborn and prideful to ask, but more than that, it's the fact that *I'm* the one who's supposed to be doing the helping! But this is another essay)

Society laughs at me, and files me away as just another stupid weak female. Can't help you move, she's not strong enough to lift the boxes. Oh look, it's a sad part of a movie, guess we better pass the tissues! Society sees me, and judges me, and judges my entire damn gender along with me, and it sucks. I'm tired of living up to my gender stereotype.

Sorry if this is incoherent. I kinda feel like I'm about to cry.

~Sor
MOOP!

I went on a Most Excellent Adventure/Trip with mum and Josh and Eric and ocassionally Shan. So I'm in a realitivly good mood.

Trip Report:

"How do you get an evil giraffe? 'I will eat all the leaves off this tree. I will get up early to eat all the leaves from this tree. Then there will be no leaves on this tree, and the other giraffes...will die.'"¹

Friday:

Woke up hells early (5:30 AM...there is such a time?), picked up Josh and Eric, and drove to MA, with hardly any traffic at all, and a rainstorm that started moments after we hadn't gotten us and all our stuff into Dave and Diane (Boston version)'s house. Yes, we are Just That Cool.

Much hanging out and coolness occured. Dave introduced us to the brilliance that was Guitar Hero, which was good fun. I highly support silly games like that, especially if you get to rock out. And I was very good at the easy setting, but basically fell apart when it came to medium.

Awesomer then silly games though, Micro, who is my agent, and whom I haven't seen since the Oscars LARP in...ninty six? or so came over, as did [Redacted] who is a completely fabulous woman, moreso because she understands the idea that you don't have to wear skirts and make-up to be a girl, even if the idea of not doing so *does* horrify the rest of the mtf community.² Plus, [Redacted] draws comics, which is terribly awesome, and I have to e-mail her so that I can insure that I get the copy of her next one.

Also, quote: Mom: "Well see, I can't *really* date Josh because I know his parents real well"
[Redacted]: "Ah, but *I* don't know his parents."

Alsoalso, I am completly awesomely irrisistable to everyone, because I am Just That Awesome. Good flirts make me happy.

I think that was about all of Friday. Oh, except I just lost The Game. Which, I taught the rest of them, and we have been playing the whole weekend. MUAHAHAA! Additionally, we have restarted mom's pointing game that she used to play in college, where the basic goal was to point at people before they pointed at you, every day.³ (Day's resetting at 12:01)

Saturday:

Saturday, we left MA and drove to Maine! Where we went to Crossroads Games and Books, which is this great little game shop we found up there, and lusted after everything⁴ (or I did at least). Better yet, Chris, the highly cool gal who we met the first time around, remembered us. Yay!

Got to Wyo, kidnapped Aly, and...well...listened to her talk. I love her dearly, but she did not stop speaking for a good half hour. Much teasing occured, especially since she kept using both "like" and "Ohmygod". Granted, I use both of those fairly often as well, but still. ILMS.

Aly is doing very well, for anyone who knows her. Which is nice to know, as she *is* my sister. And I was nice, and didn't eat her hair the whole time. I should write her a letter.

More importantly, I should write *Mell* a letter. Because Mell is amoung the coolest people I have ever met in my life, and one of the few reasons I miss going to Wyo. And I got to see her again!!! *parti-dances* This is an excellent, excellent thing. Also, I should totally go visit her. Which is why I may wind up making a college visit to Wheaton, regardless of any interest I have in going there. *grins*

Lessee...returned the kids, left the camp, got to the turnpike. Went north, without thinking about it. For the geographically challenged, Maine is north of Connecticut, which is where we were aiming. Yeahhhh...it took us a couple minutes, and then we had a group "Shit!" moment. Whoops. So, we got to see more of Maine then we previously expected. *grins*

Eventually we made it home to St. G'ma and Grandpa Gus's place, where we...pretty much immediately fell asleep. I think that was the first night in about three weeks that I fell asleep before midnight. And that was Saturday.

Sunday we woke up, ate a delicious breakfast, and went for a lovely walk around the lakething. Really, I'm going to have to write about the farm sometime, that place is...well, the least fannish place that feels like home. Also, I've now taken both Josh and Eric down to the Kids Club⁵, which is always fun. I love that place.

Then, we went to NYC. First off, I love cities, especially New York. ESPECIALLY New York. London was lovely, DC and Baltimore are close, but NYC is...well, New York. Can't explain it.
You either get it or you don't.

Our ultimate goal in New York was to see Sweeny Todd (OhmyfuckinggodlustwantneedholyHELLgood.), and *possibly* another show as well. Hoorah for TKTS -we saw ST from remarkably good seats and had a lovely time, ambled over to TKTS, and wound up with tickets to see Avenue Q from pretty damn good seats. Broadway for the WINS!

And those both deserve seperate squeels, plus I'm getting bored of typing. So, I'm thinking that, since that was really the end of the trip (left NYC, went home) I'm done. Ta kids!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Copyright Eddie Izzard, at some point or another. Important because we quoted this one roughly eight thousand times, in different forms. ("I will eat all the french fries...and the rest of you...will die!)
2: mtf: male to female transsexual. Way back when, [Redacted] used to be known as [Deadname], and apparently used to warp my tiny infentile mind with such facts as 'Two plus two equals seven'. I like her immensly, partly because she's fabulously cool, and partly because she interests me.
3: *points at everyone who reads this. And everyone who doesn't, for that matter.*
4: They had all the Sandman comics. Mum says she will get them for us, but still! Also, they had dice, which is slightly less desperate since we've *finally* got a local game store. But still! Dicelust.
5: Hard to explain. It's...um...a big pile of rocks on my grandparents land. Yeah. Basically me and all my cousins have spent a collective arseload of time there playing games and pretend. I lurves it.

Editor's note, 2022: Let's not out people without their express permission, okay? I have other comments to make to my past self, but I am trying to leave this journal mostly intact as a historical document, even when it is cringe as hell.

Janny brought up a good point. Where DID you find my LJ? I expect in a few cases it was me telling it to you, but I know mom found mine somewhere in between my first and second posts, without me ever letting her know, soo...

~Sorceress/Kat

MOOP!

Original Tags: cloneconvo, jannyblue, elljay, memage, meta, memage-questions

RAF: Yo.

*sigh* You know, the easiest way to do this would be to just copy what I've got in my diary.

AME: Hold it...the whole thing?*devilish grin*

Heck no. Just the part where Raf comes in.

AME: oh. Thats good.

Yeah it is, no living soul on the planet gets the privilage of reading mah diary with the exception of you 4.

And me of course.

ANI: of course, you're not above making fun of really old entries, are you?

Verinca is my best friend!

KRIS: I thought that was Wayne, miss "I can't spell Veronicas name right even though I spelled it right in the same entry"

I couldn't spell Barbie in first grade. I thought it was spelled Brbe

Right...back ontopic...

19 Feb 2K3

::A whole bunch of stuff that you will not see::

KRIS: I was going to say the girls, but Kat's a girl too.

ANI: You know, you do relize that you're the only guy in a headful of girls, right?

KRIS: I figured that out a while ago thanks.And I wasn't the only guy the whole time, what about Raf?

ANI: whatever happened to Raf anyway?

He dissapeared. I've been toying with the idea of making him Ame's boyfriend.

AME: he IS my boyfriend

And spectra syndrom hits again. Woot me.

RAF: No, that would actually be woot ME.

Raf?!

RAF: Yo. Hey Ame!

KRIS: Raf! Another guy!! Cool!

ANI: *sigh* Hello Raf

AME: Hey honey *kisses*

ANI&ME:*sidelong glance*

I hate to break this up but...

AME: But what? *puts an arm around Raf protectivly*

Raf...You shouldn't be here.

RAF: Well duh...*I* knew that.

um...ok then. Do you know why?

RAF: Because I'm flat. AKA all have their own personalities. I don't.

KRIS: Plus, it would really mess up AKAKat. Where would an R go?

ANI: at the beginning probably. And you're right.

RAF: Thats cool. I mean, I don't wanna leave, but hey, who cares. *shrugs*

AME: I care. you have no right to force Raf out. He's MY boyfriend.

No...No he's not. I refuse to allow interRAKA dating.

RAF: RAKA...hmmm

AME: WHAT?!

KRIS: Dude, you're staying!

Yeah. Yeah he is.

AME: Thats totally not fair!

Look, now you'll be single and free to date who ever you want.

AME: But I WANT Raf!

Actually, no you don't. You only think you do because I toyed with the idea.

RAF: Ame, relax, it'll all work out, Ok?

AME: *pouts* okaaay...

Good. And I guess Raf can stay. He'll be...helpful.

RAF: You just like the idea of having someone who can give you advice that you'd DO.

True dat. Do you need to be brought up to date on my life?

RAF: Nope. I just browsed through once I knew I was staying. Can't acess the LJ though.

I'll introduce you soon. You know, RAKA sounds like a curse word.

::More stuff that I deleted for the protection of meself::

23 lines later, Raf slapped Kris. *sigh*

RAF: He deserved it!

KRIS: I was only stating the truth!

"The Truth is You suck!" Don't start. Or I WILL ground you too.

RAF: um. Can she do that?

Yes, yes I can. Last time I grounded anyone was when Ani Kris and Ame were all fighting.

AME: And to add insult to injury, It turned out the whole point of our fight was moot.

ANI: *smirks*

KRIS: What are YOU laughing at?Just cause you're holier-then-thou...

ANI: Sorry. It just worked out well for me.

Ani, be nice.

Wait a minute...I'm not sure I belive you're as innocent as you claim. *coughmudcough*

ANI: Oh, you know the story. The horns are only there...

...To hold up the halo, I know. *yawns* I'm tierd. Goodnight everyone.

~OrigamiSorceress/RAKAKat

Original Tags: references, tagged, denizens, cloneconvo, denizens: raka