sorcyress | Entries tagged with life is pain highness

So it helps, I think, that even though New Years is an incredibly important holiday to me, it is also one that is already badly fragmented and does not have any consistent rituals to it. Because The New Years Party had its last year a decade ago, and the time since has been split between the small little shindigs and the almost-good-enough sprawl of Hogmanay.

(that is not to say that Hogmany is not utterly amazing --it is a wonderful event and I genuinely adore it and it's really wonderful and fantastic as its own thing. But my brain is never quite going to forget my childhood enough to let me view any New Years Party as completely independent. Hence: almost-good-enough.)

But yes! For the last decade-ish, I've been bouncing back and forth year-to-year between mom and Hogmanay which means that...there...isn't a set New Years ritual that always happens. There's at least two, and they cross over with each other a little bit (I call the boyfriends who are far away to wish them a kiss) but they're not the same and so...I'm already used to that.

It made this year easier, let me fuckin' tell you.

Because right, I'm in the global bad place that we're all in right now, and obviously if you saw yesterday's trainwreck of a post you know that I specifically am in a not-great place, and then here we come to one of the holidays I really give a shit about and I'm spending it with no one but my roommates who I love but have seen every single day for many hours for basically the last ten months without a break.

But...I...don't have things to miss? Not in the same way as Christmas, where there are rituals to maintain like eating grapefruit and early morning talks with Alys. All the stuff I am missing from being home with mom, well, I'd miss that any year I was at Hogmanay instead. All the stuff I'm missing from my big sprawling dance family, well, I'd miss that any year I was in Texas. All the bellringing that happens for first night, well, I've pretty much resigned myself to being triple booked and never making that happen ever anyways.

So this year I just took all the things I would usually miss and combined them into one pile and yeah, I miss them all, sure. But I spent a lot of time on Discord with the bellringers, and a short time on zoom with the Hogmanay folks (I successfully sang Auld Lang Syne with the crowd and then turned off my camera --a thing I find verboten with zoom because I'm a teacher and I know how badly it sucks to not have cameras on-- in order to sob deeply into my arms for a moment).

And this year I'm not going to fall asleep wrapped in the arms of someone I love¹ but shit, that's happened before and I do have Emily the elephant and Lazarus and Lemonsnout and Fat Steggy and Beatriz and Carey-Ann and CathyDoll and the whole squad of smolfriends (Boris, Cardamom, trans-thulu, Lowell, Nelly) and like...as a grown ass adult, if I want to fall asleep on New Years Eve in a pile of well loved stuffed animals that is 100% my prerogative and it's gonna be awesome yanno?

The dividing line between the years seems so much smaller right now, because like...we have fixed so little of the fundamental problems that made 2020 bad. But the shift always does mean hope, and that's a good thing. Maybe tomorrow I'll think of longer term goals and wishes for the future and a summary of what I'm trying to work on in my life, but right now I'm happy to just go wash the fun makeup off and smile about still being able to see people I love, from tens and thousands of miles apart.

Often on New Years, I give kisses to the people around me --very few on the lips these days² but lots on the cheek. If that's a thing that would feel nice to you, you may assume I've given you one. It's a wish for the future! For a better future than right here.

Do what you can to make the future better, okay? I love you and hope you're well.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: This statement is a lot more complicated than it sounds right now, unfortunately.

2: I am positive for HSV-1, which is the oral herpes that 60-90% of the adult population of the US tests positive for. I try to be cautious with this.

For those who have been asking, I have not been hired back for next year.

I almost certainly have a lot of thoughts about this. Maybe sometime soon I will share them. For right now, I just hurt.

R.
MOOP!

Crossposts: http://kdsorceress.livejournal.com/742883.html

TW: Rape. Hoo boy, trigger warning

Statistically speaking, one in six women will be raped in her lifetime. This is just the statistic we know; it doesn't account for the fact that right now, reporting rape is a minefield all of its own, and many women choose not to subject themselves to that process. I do not know how many of my friends have been raped. I know that five of them are safe because of me, if you trust statistics. So you know. There's that.

Seanan McGuire, writing here on why her books explicitly do not include rape

Jesus fucking Christ.
Jesus fucking Christ.

"I know that five of them are safe because of me, if you trust statistics."

This is an utterly chilling way to think about it, and it hurts because it doesn't actually work like that. Bone deep ache that maybe it would be worth having been Damaged if it meant one-two-three-four-five others would be safe.

But statistics don't work like that, they're not to be trusted, and sexual assault is not a finite resource. Maybe as few as 1/6th of my female¹ have been raped. Maybe as few as 1/3rd have experienced sexual assault. I would be shocked, and happy, to learn that true.

(Happy that "only" 16% of the women in my life have been damaged irrevocably. I heavily suspect it is more.)

"I know that five of them are safe because of me, if you trust statistics."

Sometimes words are too true to easily recover from.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm just reeling, I think.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: FAAB, female-identifying, formerly female-identifying, whatever.

Crossposts: http://kdsorceress.livejournal.com/687025.html

On December 27th, 2003, I wrote the first entry in this strange little "online journaling experience" I have since undertaken. It is not anywhere nearly as awful and cringe-inducing as it could be --indeed, one of my longtime online friends (mek? Tho?) once complimented me by pointing out that I never really had a flailing period as I tried to understand how exactly livejournal worked.

(That being said, I also took something like four months and fifty entries to actually learn how to "thread comments". Oops.)

Ten years later and...I'm still here. Not only am I still here, but in the one hundred and ten months since I started, there have only been two months where I did not publish a single word¹. This wasn't my first home on the internet, but it's the one that has _lasted_, the one that has _mattered_.

And over the last (many) years, I have watched it crumble, with an unbearable sadness in my heart. Things change, and I recognize that not all the people I care about are designed for the long-form storytelling --and livejournal is not designed for the quick and clever single thought. I don't fault a single one of you for going elsewhere, it is truly exciting to watch the history of social media flash past my eyes, and know someday I will be able to say I was there, and I helped shape it. The world is so cool, and the internet is such a beautiful thing, with all its different aspects and shapes.

But it still hurts a little, as posts on my friends page dwindle², and the comment counts in my e-mail fade to almost nothing. Because livejournal is the one that makes sense to my writer's brain. I like doing longform writing for a triple handful of you. I like it a lot more than shouting into the overwhelming cacophony that is my mass of Facebook friends. I like it a lot more than the blinky-not-thinky balance of image and text and sound that comprises Tumblr. I like it a lot more than the snappy one-liners of Twitter, and more than the single minded focus of Fetlife.

And I like, and miss, having all my friends in one place. There are people who post here and there and there, and I catch up with some of it...but not all. Some people I've lost track of just softly as our lives twine out of each others, but some people I realize I've not talked to in years and I wouldn't even know where to look for them anymore. I'd love a service that collates all the friends' lists and feeds for me, one site where I can see livejournal posts and Facebook statuses and Twitter updates and Tumblr reblogs stacked on top of each other and mixed together and just one stop for my friends, not a dozen tiny universes.

I'm not leaving. I have really enjoyed posting lovely inane things this week, and want to keep doing more of that, just tiny snippets of my life for the rest of you to see. But maybe I need to put more work into crossposting entries across websites. We'll see.

I don't really think this entry went where I wanted it to. But that's okay --I have always worked things out through writing. Happy New Year, all. Happy ten years. (Happy ten more.)

~Sorcyress
MOOP!

1: March and April 2005. It was a very tiny spiteful protest in regards to my computer being moved from my bedroom to the living room as punishment for my getting shitty grades in school. AND THAT'S IT! I have checked in at least once a month (and realistically, I don't think I saw any months with fewer than four or five) for 105 straight months.

2: Here is where I started to list my hellos, and there are too many to be a reasonable list of names. But still too damned few --a dozen of you or so still posting, another dozen in the comments.

Crossposts: http://kdsorceress.livejournal.com/675974.html

So today I finally got around to typing up all the receipts from my tenure with the Cult of Dunkin.

(When I was bored and work was slow, I would write essays or rants or stories on abandoned receipts. Yay recycling and creativity!)

It turned out to be, mmm, 7,000+ words, 5k or so of which I typed today.

Then mek and I started writing a collaborative fiction, and I wrote about another thousand words of that and as character background.

Not to mention spending a bunch of time on IM and e-mail. It may very well have been a 10k word day, not that I care to try and measure that (because hella pain in the ass).

Add that to the hour of x-box (Zombie killing, ya!) and yeah, my arms now hurt from wrist to elbow. Both of them (although the left a little worse, which is typical.) This totally blows.

On the plus side, damn it feels good to be writing again. And getting all the receipts typed takes away one of the obligationblocks I've been having keep me from getting anything done, so yay that. Now, if I can just get the stuff from the Little Blue Notebook typed, I could actually stop dragging my heels and finish Dante, which would be amazing.

So mixed feelings. On the one hand, pain is bad, especially strong pain focused on the parts of my body I need most in working order. On the other...

Damn do I feel like a real person again. I should write ten thousand words every day!

~Sor
MOOP!

( ETA: Look what I have achieved! )

Original Tags: writing, qlife

Crossposts: http://kdsorceress.livejournal.com/630931.html

I...just don't even know what to say.

Beyond "I had really better get some coloured gels and some goggle frames and use all these damn lenses"

But yeah.

Three pairs of glasses broken in less than three hundred sixty five days.

Thank god I still have my sunglasses. Thank god I'll be back in Maryland in a week. But seriously, fates? This is *not fucking funny* anymore.

~Sor
MOOP!

Hokay. So. About two and a half hours ago, I whammed my elbow pretty hard into a door, mostly because I was running around being a doofus, which I do often.

Annnnd it hurt. It hurt a lot, more then running a peice of my body into something immobile should hurt. (Yes, I know what the should feels like. Grace is not a primary trait of mine) And, since I hit the elbow, and a nerve, my entire left forearm went semi-numb.

And it still hurts. It isn't the unbelieveable making up swear words because it hurts so bad pain that it was at first, but it still hurts, and my arm is *still* semi-numb.

Obviously, it doesn't hurt so much that I can't type. (Although I'm typoing more then usual with my left hand) However, the arm doesn't want to straighten out all the way, and it doesn't bend more then about 45 degrees in the normal direction (ie, it's impossible for me to touch my left shoulder with my left hand right now.) Also, should I try to rest my chin in my hand, the arm will buckle and attempt to deposit me on the desk.

Soyeah. This just generally sucks. And normally, this isn't the kind of thing I bitch about in here. Like I've already said, I'm about as graceful as a zombie, and I ding myself up on a regular basis.

But it's been two and a half hours. (I'm not joking. Thank you GTalk for logging chats with timestamps. <3) And so, I'm beginning to get to the point where I'm wondering if I broke something.

Soyeah. How long should I wait before going "Okay, something is definently wrong with my arm? Because the pain is not that bad, unless I twinge the elbow in a way it doesn't like.

~Sor
MOOP!

(((For reference? My wrist was broken for something like eight hours before I got in to the emergency room, and while I can't remember what it felt like, I do know that it was just a soild hurt that got worst if I tried to do anything with it.)))

Original Tags: stupid, hurt, me, body, rlife, fail, life, ow

Current Mood: Ow.

Although, apparently early in the morning I'm either more tactful, or too tired to be angry at people.

Yeah. Sor is up at three in the god's be damned morning. Rather against her will, I'm afraid.

Being a girl BITES! You boys don't realize how lucky you have it.

On the plus side, it is post Balticon, so my body can behave itself ocassionally. How much you wanna bet I start bleeding as soon as I get into London? Please don't answer that -I'm an optimist. I'd like to *pretend* the odds are in my favour, even if they're not.

Seven girls and four adults, half of whom will be PMSing at one point or another, I suspect. Oh dear Lord, I've signed onto a nightmare. Blah.

You know what sucks? Finding midol and taking hot baths and roaming around have waken me up, not to mention google-serching how to make a hot pad out of things I might have in my pantry (thus far unsucessful)

Oh wait, apparently rice works. Hmmm, does anyone know if plastic baggies explode if you put them in the nukerwave? Maybe I should find a dicebag. Let's go see if we can wrangle one of those.

Oh right, and the above sucks because I really, REALLY can't justify going back to sleep. Hear me out on this one before you give me your dissaproving looks, mom. If I go back to sleep at this point, I will be impossible to wake up, and fairly groggy and tired. If I make the push, however, and just stay awake until school and then do a regular day, I will end up tiredish at the end of it, but I'll be awake and presumably ready when Veronica shows up. A unique and interesting concept, I know.

I wanna try polyphasic sleep. Except it'd be virtually impossible for me to pull off, what with SCHOOL and not being able to sleep in the middle of that. I'd try it during the summer, but it'd be a bitch to have to readapt to monophasic when school started again, and I don't think I could pull it off in London. (Scratch that...I know I couldn't pull it off London-side) So if I was going to flirt with the idea, I'd have to start whenever it is I start college.

Which is not going to be soon.

Should I be turning this into two entries? Probably, but in all truth I don't care. It's amazing about how much I don't care about things right now. Early morning is a very selfish time.

Midol is the best invention in the world, however. Also, it is impressive how much more awake one feels when one gets dressed in real clothes. Nightgowns are nice, but have that whole restful quality to them. Real clothes are much better.

I wonder how I'm going to explain awake to Dad. Mum will be easy enough to deal with, until she reads this entry (And I'm far too lazy to make an 'everyone but my mother' filter) but dad is not used to having strange teenagers be in his house. Well, awake in his house. Especially not me.

I should go work on my lovely little Balticon report. All manner of stuff has made it in there, and mek is going to kill me, but that's ok. I can ressurect myself, that's the fun thing about being a sorceress.

I will go ahead and say that favorite people of the weekend (Besides Larry and Sue for bringing me --THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!) are probably

marcmagus and

jannyblue. Mostly because I really wasn't expecting either of them, and they both pleased me no end pretty much just by existing. So yay for them.

Ooo, internet's working. I should go investigate finding that thing. Yeah. *waves hand vaguely* I'll tell you lot later, unless I forget, which is entirely likely.

...

...

...

Dude. A three hour stream of conciousness elljay update done when I'm too tired to think very rationally is probably cruel. But wouldn't it be lovely fun? This is why I don't advise asking what I'm thinking at any given moment -I'm odd enough to tell you. And unlike some people, I fund it impossible to turn off my thoughtstream, or even really to limit it. Which leads to babbling, and ocassionally, nervous breakdowns. But that only happened once.

Right, archive trawling. Back shortly.

Oh wow, I didn't say anything NEARLY as embaressing as I expected to in my post-origins report. I must have saved all the swooning for the private journals. Is it possible that little old froshman me knew the first rule of online blogging, namely, always assume that the person who you least want to read anything, will?

Actually, I think she knew it better then I do these days. So, I am just more trusting, or do I have better secrets to share? Maybe I'm fracturing the walls some.

Of course, then something like the recent fiasco with whatshisname occurs, and I go back and add another layer of cement to the top. (And before you ask, no, I do know exactly what whatshisname's name is, I just don't feel like telling *you*. See above notes on assuming that the person you want least to read, is.)

I like my walls. *runs hand over them affectionately* Which apparently I can do, as there now seems to be a rather three dimensional map of my brain in the lounge. That's new.

*looks around*

Her pit seems to have dissapeared as well, which is very very nice. I can definently deal with Her not being lurking so much, and Her recent proximity to Hyde was making me nervous. Even if he's been very quiet lately.

Really, they all have. Maybe it's just that I haven't talked to Aren and the boys in a while -they all florished when I was regularly chatting with her. Although, it tends to be a bit...dramatic therabouts.

'sok, it tends to be a bit dramatic hereabouts, too. Even discounting all the lovely voices in my head, my life is...exciting. Interesting, perhaps. Ah, a Shin'a'in curse, "May your life be interesting." Provided I'm remembering right, of course.

...did I spell that right? *Googles*

Oo, I did! Ha, shows that my lovely Myste Lackey obsession hasn't COMPLETELY died out. I should reread some of those again, especially the ones I've only ever read once.

You know what are fun? Nancy buttons, which are rather too pretty, and damn they STOLE MY MIND! (Not to mention far too much of my money) I'm currently wearing my "sneak sneak sneak sneak sneak sneak sneak POUNCE!" and my "Free Hugs" buttons, because they're still attached to my hat. I should probably DETACH all the other ones that are living on my piratecoat or my bag, but meh. Too lazy. Plus, the dangers of the internets (ie, people I enjoy chatting with) have stolen my brain again. Curse them all!

Well, actually don't. I do, after all, rather like both mek and Marc, and them being cursed is bad.

I'm going to go work on my conreport some. Mostly because I'm now rational enough to do so.

*isback* Not that it really matters on elljay, it's all sort of blendy and timeless. It's almost like a time machine!

I should go out and watch the sunrise. I don't think it's started yet though, so I can't. I should at least keep track of it though.

Talking to people is most excellent. I like people. Of course, I can't talk to people AND have a thoughtstream going at the same time, so yeah. Or rather, I can, I just can't write it down.

Oh wow, y'know what I haven't done in a while? I haven't trawled the What's New page at Snopes in a while. Back shortly...

Well, not shortly. And carp, I missed the sunrise. Bah.

I should go start getting ready for school. Shoes, and whatnot. See you cats and kittens later!

~Sor
MOOP!

Current Mood: complacent
Current Location: Home, too dern Early!
Current Music: Nichts

I know that no one would never do anything to try and hurt me like this on purpose, and I know it shouldn't, but it really hurts that I have guys asking me what to do about the fact that they have mad crushes on my best friend, when she's head over heels for another guy, and that...I don't know.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. It just...pisses me off I guess. I love her like the sister she is, but sometimes I wish that I could be the one with all the guys drooling over me every once in a while.

I don't even care about guys, I don't even WANT the guys to all be falling for me, I've got more then enough problems just being who I am without throwing guys into the mix.

It just seems sometimes that thats what every guy wants, her and not me.

And dear, this isn't meant to be mad at you or anything, you can't help being tall and sexy and desirable, and thats fine. You like all this crap, I don't, it works out well for both of us.

I just am feeling terribly self-pitying right now.

Oh, and I'm not going to tell you who, sorry babe.

~Sorceress/Kat

MOOP!

Original Tags: rlife, relationships, sexuality, v

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Good Riddance...again, and again, and again...

( Read more... )

In other news, I leave for Disneyworld tomorrow. I will be gone until Sunday.

~Sorceress

MOOP!

Original Tags: advice, tagged, growing up, thoughtstream

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: None. Creepy

Well...

News number one: Me and Ani are friends and she has forgiven me.

News number two: The Princess Bride ruled.

News number three: Part of the reason Ani forgave me so readily is because my wrist didn't just hurt, it was broken.

News number four: My cast is purple

News number five: I met Luci!!W00t Sluggy!

News number six: I have another "advisor." His name is Raf.

News number seven: I will try to post more, later.

~Kat

Original Tags: pain, tagged, denizens: raka, theatre, life, unfiled people-internet, cloneconvo, theatre-lrhs, sluggy.net, denizens

Current Mood: satisfied
Current Music: Healing Vision. Go DDR!

I hurt.

I seriously hurt.

KRIS: Emotional or physical?

Why are you the only one who gets the idea of emotional pain?

And physical

KRIS: I don't know. I just get it. Possibly because I'm the one whos most often in your thoughts.

KRIS: And I'm sorry.

Thank you. Why do you suppose that is?

KRIS: Because you're more impulsive then you think and you like to flirt with the idea of being evil even though you really aren't. What'd you do to yourself anyway?

I was sledding at Lily and Zoes and I bashed into a mound of dirt. Hard. I think my right wrist is sprained.

And I *almost* dropped my stupid-ass textbook on the floor and had to catch is with my right hand which A) doesn't bend and B) hurts to the high hevens.

ANI: Well you really ought to be more careful about hurting yourself. You'd think that you'd be smart enough to figure out that going down 45 degree slopes that are completely covered with ice would be a bad idea, but noooo

ANI: And you'd THINK that our Kat would be smart enough to figure out that going down head first would be a bad idea, but noooo, you just HAD to do it didn't you.

(matter of factly) Fuck off Ani, me and Kris are having a private conversation.

KRIS: *whistles*

ANI: *looks absolutly shocked* (coldly. possibly colder then I have ever heard her before, and thats pretty darn cold) Fine. I'll just go to my room then. *marches off haughtily*

KRIS: Kat...Are you sure that that was a good idea?

No. I'm not sure about anything right now. You know, this really does need to be private. I'm gonna go finish this conversation in my diary.

KRIS: Ignoring the fact that writing is an entierly right handed activity I suppose.

Shit. You're right.

Well, nyah. I am in one of those moods where I just. don't. fuckin. care.

AME: *surprised* Ka-*notices me glareing at her* *runs off to her room*

KRIS: !

KRIS: Thats three cuss words in this post. I'm...scared.

*places head on desk* I know, I know. I am trying to cut back a little, but when I'm in this kind of mood...

KRIS: *pats Kat on the back* I know.

*looks up suddenly* did my wrist just crack?

KRIS: Yeah, I think. does it feel better?

No, not really. *sigh*

I hate the html coding for this stupid thing.

KRIS: Why?

Because it's not whats used at Sluggy.net. and thats my *real* home on the internet.

And ya know...You're the only one whos EVER shown up there. It's usually stupid, simple things, but you have shown up.

except for that one when everyone was talking bout imaginary stuff. That was all three of you.

You know. I think the emotional hurts are worse then the physical. Always.

KRIS: *coughs* like the haiku "post" and then the (and i quote) "it's like the oppisite of the haiku post"?

Oh god, I just referred to entries in my diary as posts.

Damm straight. Both of those were emotional, and they both freakin hurt, dammit. I mean, my wrist hurts and all, but it's the kind of pain that will go away after a while.

If the second part of that had never happened, in the non haiku post, I would have been seriously depressed for a week+.

emotional pain hurts.

KRIS: I know, I know. Thats part of it isn't it?

Always. Alwaysalwaysalwaysalwaysalways. Always. It's always part of everything.

KRIS: mmhm. *hugs*

Thanks.

~OrigamiSorceress/AKAKat

MOOP!

Original Tags: tagged, life, html, denizens, pain, denizens: raka

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: naught

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Katarina Whimsy

May 2025

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No rituals to break
(no subject)
[therapyfilter]
Milestones
Pointless babble about writing
(no subject)
Ohhhhhdear.
It's FAR too effing early
*sigh*
huh. feeling deep tonight.
Just random bits of news
(Subject added later (SAL)) My wrist is broken!

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MOOP!

The Rantings of a Terminal Optimist

Entries tagged with life is pain highness

No rituals to break

(no subject)

[therapyfilter]

Milestones

Pointless babble about writing

(no subject)

Ohhhhhdear.

It's FAR too effing early

sigh

huh. feeling deep tonight.

Just random bits of news

(Subject added later (SAL)) My wrist is broken!