sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
[crossposted with Facebook]

So, Facebook did the memory thing and apparently two years ago today I was doing some serious gendertalk on The Internets. It felt like a good time to update and refine that!

So, general reminder for everyone:

I am a person (or spider). I am not a woman/girl/lady/etc (or man/boy/etc)1. I am neither female nor male, I am agender or genderqueer.

My pronouns are they/them/theirs, unless I am in a work-context (students, coworkers, admin, parents) at which point I use the incorrect "she/her/hers" pronouns. I am sad and frustrated by this, but hope to be able to be out at work once I have professional status (May 2020, if all goes well).

My title is "Mx", not Miss or Ms and definitely not Mrs. Again, work-context means I use "miss" but only for those specific populations. If you can read this post, you should use my correct pronouns and title2.

My body has a uterus, a vagina, a vulva(etc), and breasts. I don't have female genitals. On rare occasion3, I shed my uterine lining at which point I use menstruation supplies, not feminine supplies. Please try to use medically accurate language when talking about these things, not just for me, but for everyone.

I prefer that the people I am romantically or sexually entangled with refer to me as "partner", but I accept "girlfriend" from people I have that kind of explicit relationship with.

Please feel free to correct other people (gently, briefly4) if they refer to me as woman, or use "she" pronouns for me. I will also try to correct people. Sometimes I don't bother because it's not worth it.

I am the kind of open person that you are welcome to ask questions of pretty much all the time, but you are especially welcome to do so on this post. I will answer any question about my gender, or gender in general so long as it does not feel malicious.

***

[1] I am both a "girl scout" and a "gentleman" though, and will not be the slightest bit bothered if you use those specific words to describe me.

[2] On some airlines, I am "Dr" because they're shitty enough to make titles mandatory and don't have any other genderneutral options.

[3] I have put a lot of effort into making this happen as infrequently as possible, because dysphoria and also mess.

[4] It is...exhausting having to comfort someone making a Big Deal out of having misgendered you. "she-shit-they" is a running joke with some of the SCD crowd as to what my gender is, and that's _perfect_. Everyone does accidental misgenderings sometimes, hell, most of us non-cis seem to do it to ourselves, it's okay, just fix it and move on


Thoughts on other words:

"your majesty" or "their highness" rather than any other royalty titles (I have heard of princex, but I don't like it for myself.) If you want to be incredibly specifically accurate to just me, I am the "Lord High Queen of Everything"

Laura reminded me that I meant to say that "female assigned" is the correct term to use if you are talking about something that directly has to do with, say, my ID or my medical care. Similarly, I will often use "female-socialized" or "female-aligned" to talk about myself culturally and socially --I was raised differently than I would have been if I were the same person with different genitals, not just by my parents, but my every person who interacted with me. Sometimes that is relevant.

"female" by itself is laughably wrong.


Under the cut are some good bits from the comments (which have been mostly REALLY great because it turns out I have Good Friends. I'm so happy and pleased that people are being kind to each other and open and not assuming bad intent.

frequently asked questions! (where frequently means 'once') )

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: A character from a comic about the maintenance workers of the universe, holding a thumbs up and saying "MOOP!" (Zonker MOOP!)
COOLNESS IS OVERRATED

So, like ninety-eight percent of everyone worth hanging with, I have pretty massive impostor syndrome. I dunno if there's a proper name for it, but mom used to point out how much she adored the high-ego-masking-heavy-insecurity crowd. Of which we both Most Def belong to, sigh.

But I've been getting into some...arguments is a strong word, but disagreements lately specifically about the word "cool". I am not cool.

Please let me repeat that louder: I AM NOT COOL.

And sure, some of me feeling weird when people call me cool is the way it rubs up against my impostor syndrome, or insecurities, or the feminine-trained need to play down arrogance in a huge way1. But there's an extra prickle that comes specifically from "cool", that I don't get in the same way when someone calls me "awesome" or "splendid" or "adorable".

As a person who most closely IDs their culture as "geek"3, of course I'm gonna be reluctant to call myself cool. Society has put a lot of investment into the "geek" vs "cool" dichotomy, which like so many social divides, is pretty bullshit4. But even knowing it's bullshit, I get twitchy.

And I don't think I should! If I take a step back and analyze some of my base qualities, I am pretty fucking cool! I'm really good at not giving a shit what other people think of me. I am _amazingly_ self assured6, 7. I'm pretty good at respecting boundaries (the number of cute ladies who I haven't kissed is greater than one and I'm sad about all the missed opportunities but hey, they've either since kissed me sober, or not, and I'm happier either way not to feel icky about it.). I wear some fucking awesome outfits, double so now that I'm starting to paint my face on the regular. I largely don't respond to peer pressure. I keep my judgey-self pretty well locked away from my social-self. I am actively not a dick to service personnel (note to self, find out where Lisa-the-lunch-lady got to, and say hi), and even if that's partly a Slytherin flies-with-honey reflex, it's still a pretty damn Good and Kinda Cool thing to do.

I should absolutely accept that I am cool. Especially when I'm inexplicably labeled such by the awesome youngsters I get to interact with (all of whom are _so awesome_ whathehell?)

But yesterday, I clicked another part of why being called cool makes my skin crawl:

Cool people are not enthusiastic.

Period, full stop. Cool people are somewhat aloof. There's a lot of tie-in with the cynic and the iconoclast, the multiple layers of irony warping "do they like that?" into a joke and then a meta-joke. A cool dude might nod ever so slightly8, but he's sure as hell not gonna start bouncing excitedly because DID YOU SEE THE COOL BUG COME LOOK AT THE FROGS!

Liking things sincerely is not cool. Expressing positive emotions --GUSHING positive emotions (or really any emotions) is not cool. I am a pretty strongly emotional person9, both good and bad, and seriously, I find it way easier to be enthusiastic about stuff than to feign disdain, or even just dial it back a few notches. THERE IS SO MUCH AWESOME STUFF IN THE WORLD AND I JUST WANNA SHOUT ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME!!!

So there's the rub. Part of why I can't handle "cool" is because of how strongly I hear it as "reserved". And please don't call me reserved. Even my coworkers know I'm weird, I can't lock that shit down, okay? (I mean, I can and do the worst of it, but seriously, a student asked why x0 = 1 today and I wasn't totally sure I could explain it (or even knew) and as I started going, I managed to realize it's because of multiplicative identities (I think) and I gave an excited little mini-lesson on the board and that was so fun and I wanna tell my boss and all my coworkers about the neat thing that happened in my class!)

Coolness is overrated. Get excited instead!

~Sor
MOOP!

0: no, sorry, that was an exponent. There's no footnote here.

1: Not to mention the probably feminine-trained (but maybe just neurotic) need to downplay my personal role in things. I am pretty good at Getting Things Done. I get pretty fucking weird when people pay me positive attention for Getting Things Done. If you're ever clapping for me for some reason, there's a non-zero chance I feel weird and kinda uncomfortable about it because more likely or not, the reason I did the thing in the first place was because it needed doing by _someone_, and I am competent.

Me doing things that needed to be done (me making other people's lives easier2) is not an accomplishment to be lauded. It is the baseline of the universe. You should sooner applaud me for breathing, eating, and maintaining a steady heartbeat.

2: Fundamental truth: I Am Here To Make Other People's Lives Easier.

...but recently Alys said something to me about how it may be a Truth, but that doesn't mean I have to listen to it. Which...I am not examining further because damn that's an uncomfortable thing to poke. (She is the best sister).

3: White culture doesn't exist, and most of the ways I am raised counter to the norm come from having geeky parents. I still feel weird saying things like this --first of all, plenty of people from other cultures also come from geek households

4: And let's be real, I'm so bisexual I have to run around in the shower to get wet5, so like, being in the middle of yet another spectrum should work out just fine for me.

5: ...speaking of weird cultural artifacts from my family.

6: "I tell myself in the mirror that every day" -- RIP Patrick Verona

7: Like seriously, I have a *foundational* sense of self. Even when I am a fucking crazemessed disassociofreak, I still know exactly who and what I am. I even know that I'll get through. Sometimes I just gotta sob like a nightmare for a bit to maintain that accuracy of Self.

8: ...oh fuck, I identify with Dave Strider. Oh _fuck_, fuck, I ID with him really hard and how did I never notice that before? I mean, he is cool...when he's not being a ginormous dweeb. And oh lord, is he a ginormous dweeb, and I think that's the part I love, that there's this super cool guy, who can absolutely not handle ANYTHING AT ALL.

9: *casually throws shade*
sorcyress: A character from a comic about the maintenance workers of the universe, holding a thumbs up and saying "MOOP!" (Zonker MOOP!)
I am extremely service-oriented. This is not just in a kink sense (although that is no small part of my kink orientation), I have known for years and years and years that my existence is based around the idea of Making Other People's Lives Easier.

(In fact, that may be another Truth --I have been considering them, since that post about sex and desirability. This makes five. I will post about the other three sometime soon.)

I just realized that this can be a formidable tool against my stupidbrain, when it is not motivating properly. See, motivation is one of the hardest damn things I have. I can't do things for myself!

But what if I can do things for other people?

I was standing in the kitchen, doing the standard "I should eat cooking is hard food is impossible" thing, and had to go upstairs for a moment to talk to Joseph (moving laundry along). While up there, my brain gave me a sharp kick and I asked if he'd had lunch yet and offered to make something.

Making food for someone else, that's easy to motivate! Joseph is hungry! If I feed him, I will Make His Life Easier! There is almost no trouble at all acting upon those impulses. And if I so happen to accidentally make myself lunch in the process (not to mention do some chat-cleaning1 of the kitchen while I'm at it...)

Yesssss, good. Stupid brain! I can trick it into doing things for myself by expanding them to be for other people as well! It's the opposite of Infinite Darlene2! MUAHHAHA!

I am pleased by this power over myself.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Is there a better word for this? I do a lot of cleaning when I am standing around talking to people in my house. I don't think of it as nervous or shame based, it's just...I am standing around talking, I like to keep my body in activity, here is an activity I can do. For lack of anything else, I'm gonna call it chatcleaning.

2: Infinite Darlene is from Boy Meets Boy, which is my favourite love story. My favourite quote of her: "She seems very full of herself. Which she is. It's only after you get to know her better that you realize that somehow she's managed to encompass all her friends within her own self-image, so that when she's acting full of herself, she's actually full of her close friends, too."
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I don't think I've ever mentioned, but I lose capital letters when my mood is slipping. I tend to break pretty obviously in offline spaces (well, if I have not vanished instead), but I'm a little bit better with masks when talking to someone through text (as IM and SMS and livejournal are). One clear indication that all is not right though is when I start to abandon proper capitalization at the start of sentences.

It's gotten to the point where it is sometimes an intentional thing, because the structures that do not allow me to ask for help are housed in the same Being that does not understand subtlety. If someone can see that I need help, because I did not exactly come out and say it but they saw something broken and asked...that is good.

(I ususally capitalize proper nouns and "I" and such, because that feels a little more like breaking the rules. And if I'm on Nyota, she automatically capitalizes the first letter of sentences, so I have to make it an intentional thing and it's even more a signal.)

That's all. Just a thing that maybe people should know sometimes.

~Sor
MOOP!

(I also lose capitals when I am very very tired (but you should tell me to go to bed). I never decapitalize MOOP!, not unless there is something very broken and scared and quiet in my writing.)
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I've made a couple posts recently about having shatter-level breakdowns. [profile] luckylefty asked in a comment what he should do should he encounter one of these. I wrote a 2100+ word comment, and then decided this would probably both not fit in LJs comment limit, and should really just be a post.

Have some User Manual )

So yeah.

My user manual is remarkably mutable, this version is based on data collected from 1989-2013, and may not work farther out from that time range.

As always, it is self-aware to write a user manual, but arrogant to expect anyone to read it. More so with this than with other things I write, I will not assume anyone to have seen/read this post until and unless they comment (here, IM, email, offline, wevs) that they have done so.

Also, I apologize that a lot of this information is really useless unless you happen to be in physical proximity to me while this is going on. I scamper when I have negative emotions of most levels, so that people don't have to deal with me. Lots of this does translate to someone in a different location (I have had people online tell me to go eat before) communicating by phone or IM, but they still have to realize I need it.

I wonder if I couldn't come up with a secret passphrase that I could post here or on Twitter or something, that means "I can't reach out and don't want to waste anyone's time, if you truly don't mind and aren't busy, please IM or call me for a talkdown".

I'm thinking something like "the dark toast rides at midnight" or "three fish crumble and the toast has buttered jam" or perhaps "I can't reach out and don't want to waste anyone's time, if you truly don't mind and aren't busy, please IM or call me for a talkdown."6

~Sor
MOOP!

1: To expand on this, sometimes I do go into that kind of nonreactive panic when someone touches me initially, and after they pull away I will immediately lean up against them again. If that happens, it means I short-circuited or was startled and I would actually like whatever physical comfort is being offered. People pulling away a second time, or being all hurt and confused at me, make me add body issues and touch neuroses to whatever I was currently freaking out about, and it sucks. You can talk to me about your being hurt when I'm not the most presently damaged person in the room.

2: How old were you when you learned that good girls aren't here?3

3: It feels wrong, so wrong that the first public link to this is buried in here, a brief aside, a flip explanation of what I mean when I say "good girl", in that particular pained tongue. This essay deserves response in kind, and I just can't, I daren't profane it by saying something incomplete.

It is a thing I will whisper quietly as means of explanation. How old were you when you learned that good girls aren't here? 24, and 18, and younger still. The tab with the essay has not closed since Racheline posted it, when I got my new computer, I reopened it in here, so that I may have it, and let it read like armor across my darkened mind.

4: Despite that my name is derived from a sorceress, my magic is priestly. Ritual and religion are entirely entangled, and I'm not sure I have an actual distinction between praying and casting. And music is religious as fuck.

5: The worst thing that possibly happens here is that Alis, a being who lives within the confines of my mind, takes over my body for a short time. This is not actually all that bad as it lets Kat off the hook for being a Real Adult or being in control or responsible or _anything_, and Alis is not strong enough to keep it up perpetually (so no risk of Kat being subsumed). Gabriel would also love to front, but he is not a Guardian Bitch, and so doesn't have a chance of actually being serious enough to wrest control away from me.

6: The toast themology is the fault of my friend Master SoNSo.
sorcyress: Picture of a smiling tampon with the phrase "Girls: We're so emo we don't even NEED to cut ourselves" (Emo-period)
Mild trigger-warnings for self injury and alcohol consumption

One of the many things playing havoc with my mind right now is the ways in which I do and don't self-destruct. Because right now, I've done a rather impressive job of fouling up my life, and getting out of that, as cleanly as possible, is a fascinating challenge.

Because I mostly haven't been wanting to hurt myself. There've been a couple of broken moments, but really, for the last week or so, I've been very productive, and in a very non-damaging way. Oh sure, I'm pushing myself in a lot of ways that are foreign to me, but being this stressed and broke almost feels more like mySelf than otherwise.

I really am a creature of the eleventh hour, aren't I?

At any rate, one of the things I am finding more necessary than usual is sensory drought/drown. I don't have a better word for this, only that it is a thing that happens in my life --when I get to a certain level of off-balance, I need *something* to spring me back. And usually, that involves appealing to the basic senses, and either cutting them off entirely or overwhelming them.

(This is what led to my ill-fated attempt to dance squares blindfolded on Tuesday. Hint: it does not work, at least not without more preperation on the parts of both myself and the square proper.)

So here's some sensory stuff I do to help my brain work:

I know there are like twenty different senses, but let's go with Eyes, Ears, Mouth, Nose, and Fingertips )

All this babbling sortof comes completely tangentially to a comment a friend made offjournal back when I made my posts in early January about self-injury. [personal profile] soong said "Why can't you have normal self destructive habits and just get drunk like the rest of us?" which is one of those things that I am both grateful is true, and a little...worried. Why aren't I able to drown my sorrows in the bottle when I absolutely need to? No, of course it's not a good thing to do often or regularly, but I keep alcohol in the house --hell, I probably have enough scotch alone to pickle an elephant-- and when it's been this bad a week...why shouldn't I pour myself a drink and maybe let the edges of my mind go a little fuzzy.

I think it mostly boils down to the fact that I am entirely lawful about alcohol, and always have been, and probably always will be (because there's a part of me that knows "just this once" is too easily "whenever I want"). No, I don't mean I didn't touch a drop until I turned 21, or I won't share good booze with minors, just that I created my own set of laws long ago, and they are unimpeachable. Chief among them is "I don't drink alone". But I also don't drink at parties hosted by college students, at burns, or at cons. I don't drink to get drunk. And if I ever utter or think the sentence "Lord, I need a drink", I am specifically not allowed to have one.

Maybe it's just because "ALCOHOL IS ALWAYS BAD" was drilled into my head when I was young. Maybe it's because I actually just dislike pretty much all the physical and mental symptoms of being tipsy. Maybe because there's a brilliant blackmail potential to being "the sober one". Or maybe I just know that I have a sometimes obsessive personality, and figure the fastest way to avoid the slippery slope is to avoid it as much as possible.

Look on the bright side, at least it's not as long as yesterday's post?

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: xkcd panel with a single character alone at the computer and the text "Some nights, typing *hug* just doesn't cut it." (xkcd hug)
Author's Note: This is another entry into the User Manual for your Sorcyress Unit. Like all entries in the User Manual, I think it is useful information about me, but highly egotistical to expect anyone to read it. So more than usual, unless you comment (on or off LJ) that you have read this post, I will assume you didn't. Especially because it's self-centered wanking, and seriously, you don't want to read that.

Also, this post is long, but nyah-nyah, I don't cut things unless I feel like it. Sucks to be you, scrolling past all that text. You should really just unfollow me or something.


So everything is terrible forever.

That's not actually true, but life is treating me hard right now, and I'm basically failing entirely at this grown-up thing, especially the parts that involve finding a job or having money. This is the first time since I moved to Boston that I had to seriously ask mum and da for money or I wouldn't be able to make rent. If it happens again, I'm probably going to have to leave Boston1, because I just can't sustain begging the parents for money each month, and they certainly (and justifiably) won't put up with it.

Right now I am stressed.

Constantly.
stressed, which is unusual (I am generally both mellow and elastic --it does not take much to bring me back to a happy mood) and fucking me up --I have no idea how to deal with being unhappy all of the time. This is not familiar optimist territory. But because I am a REAL ADULT, or at least because I am made entirely of bootstraps and bitter, I am surviving3.

My life right now, and for the foreseeable future (exception: Pinewoods4) is therefore full-on survival mode. This means I'm spending as much time as possible doing odd jobs --mostly studies for various Harvard/MIT psych groups, but also babysitting, house repair, housecleaning, gardening, dancing naked on tables, anything you will pay me sufficient funds for. The time not spent actively earning money is being spent in applying for jobs and careers. I joked earlier that my current job is "trying to collect as many awkward silences as possible, where I've applied and they've stubbornly refused to call me back".

My current score is 22.

When I'm not actively earning money, or actively adding to my new collection, I'm usually in a state of desperation and woe, which makes me impressively awful company to have around. I am currently still going to dances, but if my mood at other dances is anywhere remotely similar to where it was at Squares on Tuesday, I'm probably going to stop going for everyone's sakes. Squares cost an unusually high amount of "I will keep the plates all spinning"6 and it's just not worth it to run away from the people every time I'm not actively dancing to pump VERY LOUD music into my ears in a half-hearted attempt to keep myself smiling.

So what I am basically saying here is that I am not good offline7 company and you should neither expect to spend time with me, or seek it out right now. Interacting with people face-to-face costs energy --which I don't have, as all spoons have currently been diverted to just keep swimming-- and more importantly, time --which I can't justify spending casually right now. I am stuck at the moment, and I can't let that continue.

So, the important part of the post. "Gee Kat! You are hard-up and we are a helpful narrative device! Because you're a stubborn thick-headed prick who refuses the merest idea of asking for help...

...What can we do to help?

  • *Little sympathy, no optimism. "Things will get better". "You'll work through this." "I'm sure everything will be good soon". No. I don't want to hear it, because it just reinforces to me the fact that I have fucked up, as clearly evidenced by the fact that things are not good now. Any cheerful proclamations about how the sun is due to come out any day now will make me less interested in interacting with you.

    Furthermore "oh, stop beating yourself up about it, it's not your fault" will not help anyone, ever, except the people who receive royalties every time someone says that phrase. I have fucked up. Not because I can't get a job in this crappy ass-economy, but because of all the little decisions I have or haven't made that involved me being a freelance bum rather than actually focusing on my chosen career path. If I do not beat myself up about it, no one else will, and nothing will change. I find self-loathing an exceptional tool for self-betterment, YMMV.

    As for sympathy, I mean...hugs will eventually be appreciated, as will "wow, that sucks" or whatever. But I'm not really in a space for it right now. So I won't intentionally be bitter at you, but if your comment is nothing but sympathy, that's probably not great.


  • *Be really patient with me. At the best of times, I am a fucked up, neurotic, mess. This is not the best of times. Among other things, if you are going to try to make plans with me, please be prepared for me to come back a day later and say "actually nope, can't do it". If this makes planning horrendous for you, then I don't recommend trying to arrange things with me until I am more reliable.


  • *Don't try to lend me money, because that will confuse me and make me sad and failuremode. Don't try to give me money because hahahaha ohgods, I can't even comprehend what that would do to my stubborn refusal to accept presents.


  • *Offer to buy me ice cream, if you have the spare cash for it, and the inclination. I might not accept. Definitely make it optional ("may I buy you ice cream" as opposed to "so what do you want, I'm buying"). Don't do this if you don't want to. But it is summer and ice cream is one of my favourite things and I can't afford any and I'd like to.


  • *If you have legitimate assorted jobs to be done, by all means, give me a call and offer to exchange cashmoney for them. I clean houses, I sit on children, I organize things, I carry stuff, I smile at people, I'll even (*shudder*) answer phones if I have to. Please don't invent work for me, because that will feel weird, but if you've been looking for an excuse to get [random thing that takes a body] done and would rather pay someone else to do it, I'll happily get paid.

    Seriously, if you're not sure if I'm willing to accept money to do something, e-mail me and ask, and the answer is very likely "yes". Sometimes it will be "yes, but I don't know how, so let me do some quick googling and/or you should teach me".


  • *Better yet, organize a Work-In-Company with me. Work-In-Company is the Getting Things Done equivalent of parallel play --multiple people hanging out in the same space, on their computers (or notebooks, or homework, or whatever) mutually getting things done. I'm happy to host or travel for such things (especially in the afternoontimes, if I'm around) and it is often a thing that holds me accountable, and therefore leads to more productivity. For *both* of us!

    I mean, applying to jobs feels about as productive in the grand scheme of Earn Money Somehow as throwing socks at a dartboard right now. But theoretically, if I send out enough applications, someone *has* to reply to me someday. Right? Right?!


  • *Also better yet, if you happen to know of a place that is hiring, let me know. I mean, I'm talking anywhere right now, if they have a help wanted sign in the window, I'm interested. But if you happen to be a teacher, and know of teaching jobs...I will bake you cookies if you lead me to getting a careerjob. And I never offer to bake for people.


  • *Similarly, feel free to give me an occasional lecturing poke on IM to gently remind me that I should probably be working on stuff.


  • *In general, poke me on IM and provide me with conversation. My current intense prickliness is going to make it difficult for me to acquire sufficient social interaction8. Give me social interaction in a way that takes very little mental/emotional energy on my part just to use. Phones? Phones are a miserable device that should be burned. Instant message, where I can read all the words, and am forced to write? Best. Thing. For. My. Brain, you really have no idea.


  • *Something something, cheap longterm nutritious food? Like, I'm not really sure how this works, "cook with me" maybe, except that's difficult. Encourage me to cook, but you can't really over IM. Maybe convince me to get on Skype with you, and once there, convince me to get into the kitchen and make myself a batch of 3AM chili, or pasta, or several PB&? sandwiches, since I'm currently keeping a tight and erratic schedule, and don't have any time to cook. Which means I'm living off granola bars, squeeze-packets of applesauce (fuck you, they were on the damaged goods rack, which meant they were actually affordable), and pop-tarts.

    If you have collapsed in horror at that last statement, clearly you should invite me over for dinner. I wash dishes! Legit, I'll wash all the dishes in your house if you feed me real food. I'd say within reason, but what the hell, I'm desperate for real-person food.


And that's all I've got for now. If this seems super rude to you, well, I am not very good at being poor, and I keep having people who ask me if there's anything they can do to help, so here are some of those things, for those people, and you can sod off.

If this seems super egotistical to you, I warned you it was a Manual post right in the beginning text up there. Also, um, my livejournal, much? There's no place on the internet I am more entitled to being super egotistical. thanks.

Andyeah. Woo being a broke-ass living off their parent's charity? Huzzah for utterly failing at being a real adult? At any rate, this has made me depressed, so I'm probably going to eat ice cream and maybe make another post about things that are actually going good in my life right now, because it's the sort of post I need to make? Yeah.

Y'all are good people for reading this far. I'm glad you stuck around.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Who is the classy roommate who uses livejournal2 to update her roommates about things like this? Oh yeah. Totally this guy.

2: See also any bit of the user manual that talks about communication forms, and about the fact that my non-optimal forms of communication get WAY harder when I am stressed or otherwise in a negmood, and basically if I could communicate entirely through instant message right now, that would be awesome.

3: "I am surviving" is basically my motto right now. There have been enough critical events throughout my life that have boiled down to "my choices are to survive this or not survive this" and every time "not survive" has been the far less appealing outcome. Mild TW: Suicide: There came a day I was absolutely betrayed and miserable, and I am walking past the train tracks near Porter. For half a moment I contemplate flinging myself upon them, before my brain blinks mildly and goes "but this isn't worth killing myself over". That sentence has come to mean a lot to me, terrible things have happened, and I'm sure some of them are that bad, but so far...no, this so isn't worth killing myself over. [/TW]

4: I am not allowed to think about Pinewoods, and once I am there, I am not allowed to think about the real world. Neither of these rules are going to have the slightest ability to stop me feeling horrid. I really should not be gallivanting off to play in the woods for four days when I could be spending that time trying to earn money instead, but I don't have the social capital to refuse it, and I am desperate for the escape. Extended time in Neverland is not a healthy thing to seek, but perhaps once in a great while, I just need to be one of Red-Handed Jill's Lost Girl's5.

5: Look, footnote orgies are basically *for* obscure references. That's why I write them.

6: Next to Normal: The musical what keeps my brain ticking when it stops functioning. Also the musical that I sometimes can't listen to because the crazy is too similar to my own and it will break me.

7: Very intentionally worded. When I can't communicate through instant messenger, I can't communicate, and there's nothing to be done but let me wail until I return to stability.

8: Despite being an introvert, I do need social interaction eventually. If I spend too much time all on my own, never talking or seeing anyone else, I get lonely. And then I turn into a bear. True story. Eating people and all. It sucks, bears are really crappy at pas de basque setting.
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
I have been trying, for a few weeks now, to write a post about the different ways I communicate. This has absorbed into itself the thing I've wanted to write for a few months now, about the different social networks I use, and how I use them. The eventual post is looking to be unwieldy in a bad way, so I'm going to split it up into a few parts. This post discusses the broadest kinds of communication, and how I utilize or feel about them.

Textual:

Textual communication includes IM, e-mail, letters, and hand-written stuff that I allow other people to read1. It is an integral part of all my social media sites (LJ/DW, Fetlife, Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, G+), though not the entirety.

Textual communication is my single favourite kind of communication. It is the clearest to me. It is very fast. It can be explicit, while still retaining clever subtleties (and indeed, word choice, captilization, punctuation...all of these can add a layer of subtlety not necessarily available in other forms). It has the huge advantage of being fully archivable, and accessible at later dates. It gives me a chance to think about my words before I express them, to revise. Things written down or read make sense to me in a way that things spoken to/by me don't.

Visual:

Visual communication includes drawings, paintings, sketches, art, animations, photographs, clothing, etc. I am using it only to refer to things created by me, not actions I take (see: Movement). It is often a part of all my social media sites, though not the entirety.

I enjoy visual communications, but tend to consume them very quickly. While there have been some images that I have dwelled on, taking in every detail, most of the time I glance at it and move on. I do not spend a lot of time teasing out the hidden meaning of the things I am looking at. On the creation side, I do not tend to do a lot of communication with the world through visual art. I draw a lot of things, but it is not to express myself, it is because I want to draw fanart or whatever. Same photographs --they are to document cool things, not usually to try and get a point across. (a rare photographic exception.)

Movement:

Movement communication includes gestures, fidgeting, dancing, body language, facial expressions. It often works tandem with touch communication, or audial communication.

I use gestures often to cover gaps in my spoken vocabulary. I flail my hands around, rotate the wrist to indicate you should continue, point at people when they are correct. I am not particularly good at forcing my posture into a mood I'm not in --if I'm hunching my shoulders, pulling myself back into a ball, it means I am withdrawing (or sometimes that I am very cold). I make faces at people, but I'm not great at having unspoken conversations like some people I know are. I am fairly observant of other people's countenance, and once I know someone reasonably well, I can pick up on when they are not okay. I will usually ask if I think it is important I understand something, because I always prefer explicit communication to implied.

Touch:

Touch communication includes my touching you, or my not touching you. (or your touching/not touching me.)

I like touching a lot. I like being touched, but only sometimes and only sometimes by certain people, and it's hard for me to give examples in here without drawing attention to the blanks. I do a lot of communicating by touching people in certain ways, but it's subtle, and I make a point of assuming people won't generally pick up on subtle. I do not receive touch based communications very well, because I over or under think them. In general, asking strangers before you touch them for the first time is a good thing to do. If we have never touched, and I have never given you explicit permission to touch me, you should ask me first. This has quickly digressed away from communication and into consent culture, but that drives home the real point --it is hard for me to communicate when I am caught up in freaking out about what is going on. Please do not expect touch-based communication from me.

Auditory:

Auditory communication includes anything that involves speaking aloud, phones, Skype (along with movement), music.

Auditory communication is my least favourite way to communicate. I do not hear particularly well, I do not process words as quickly if they are spoken to me. Things are not real (to me) until they have been written down. I don't feel as eloquent or organized when I have to speak aloud. I babble too much --worse even than in text, where I can pull out large chunks of text and save them for later. There is no ability to revise in spoken conversation.

I do not, I should note, hate talking aloud. I rather enjoy conversation and have problems with silence (which is a post I should write sometime). It works fine for most things. But if you want me to remember something, you should write it down for me (or better yet, get me to write it down.)

***

I think that's all the main categories. Expect further writing on this topic, especially w/r/t social media to come soon.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
I have been known to say to various people at various times that I am "bad at silence". This happens most often when there is just me and one other person, and we are in extended close contact --spending a few hours together doing whatever. What I mean by this is that I don't like long periods where neither of us are talking. This happens frequently when out walking through the world with people, at restaurants, on transit...basically any situation where it would be considered rude to pull out a book and read for a while.

The biggest thing for me is that, if there is no conversation to focus on, I will instead focus on my own thoughts. My thoughts move very quickly, and unless you distract me, I spend a lot of time focusing on subtleties. I overanalyze things. It is a flaw of mine that I read too much into every little gesture, word, movement, touch between us (and a huge part of why I am intentionally so focused on being explicit in my relationships. I overcommunicate because I don't trust the analysis my mind creates, and I want to know what you actually mean.)

And of course, one of the things I will immediately start overanalyzing --unless I have something else to distract me1-- is the silence. "Why are you being silent, what was last said, do I need to respond to it, or elaborate on it, fuck what is going on, we're holding hands but is that good? Should I let go? Oh hey I want to go walk on that wall instead of the sidewalk, but maybe that'd be weird, oh god do I look okay right now, is my hair behaving? Oh look a backhoe, okay I'm squeeing about the backhoe and...no response. Shit. Shit! Do they not like me because I get stupid overenthusiastic over backhoes? Oh god this isn't going to work out say something say something say something!"

1: This is why I do not typically say on IM that I am bad at silence. There is a whole wealth of internet I can be doing in between receiving your messages, and it makes it very easy not to dwell.

My response, often, is to babble. But that's just not optimal. Not just because I am at my least impressive when forced to communicate solely through the spoken word (my babbling online is, at the very least, better structured) but also because it tells me nothing, or very little, about you. I *like* learning about you. I like knowing what people are passionate about, what they're into, what they've done, what they want. Those are all really nifty things to me, and if I'm babbling about my hair, I can't be learning them.

Now, there are some people with whom I can have a perfectly comfortable silence, even without other things to distract me. Usually people I've known a long time, and spent much time around. And I do better with silence some days than others, and to be perfectly honest, sometimes I just want the world to shut up for a while so I can think (although that's usually not during times when I've planned to spend time with someone.)

So, when I say that I am bad at silence (which almost always happens after a few minutes of nobody talking) you should take it as an invitation. Tell me something --anything-- about yourself. Tell me what's on your mind. If the conversation we were having wasn't working, well, switch wildly off topic. Just...talk to me.

Save me from the silence. Save me from my own head.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
((Was meant to be posted before the con-report. Stupid faulty crossposting.))

There's a whole weekend to talk about at some point. There's a lot of sub-essays from the weekend to get into. There's issues to be written down and slowly sorted.

But I just had a sharp reminder that I communicate best in the written word. You can tell me anything you want, and I will appreciate the sound, and sometimes it will be all that I need. But writing things down? That makes them real.

"Planning"
"2-6 months"

Sometimes everything changes. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I think it means I'm growing up, or something equally nonsensical.

And it doesn't matter how many times he said the words, or something like them, over the course of the last week. They weren't real until he wrote them down. Remember that about me.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
There's a whole weekend to talk about at some point. There's a lot of sub-essays from the weekend to get into. There's issues to be written down and slowly sorted.

But I just had a sharp reminder that I communicate best in the written word. You can tell me anything you want, and I will appreciate the sound, and sometimes it will be all that I need. But writing things down? That makes them real.

"Planning"
"2-6 months"

Sometimes everything changes. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I think it means I'm growing up, or something equally nonsensical.

And it doesn't matter how many times he said the words, or something like them, over the course of the last week. They weren't real until he wrote them down. Remember that about me.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So, one of the things that I've started to do with my sundries posts, is include posts from friends that I found charming, or interesting, or clever, or hilarious.

I can't always do this, of course, the most recent example being [livejournal.com profile] yagathai's post on why he needs a housemate that made me fall over laughing. Because it was locked, I simply can't share, and I'm okay with that --not everyone wants or needs all of their life open for the world to see. I do not tend to be a very private person, but that doesn't mean I don't understand the concept.

In general, I assume that if a post on your livejournal is made publicly, I am welcome to share it. Please correct me if that assumption is untrue, and know that I will always give credit to your livejournal name, at the least.

And yes, for me that will always be true, unless I messed up, and the subject line of the post contains [words in brackets]. I use the brackets to indicate what filter I used (so you'll see [flocked], [flocked - specific group], [sexfilter], etc) so when I'm glancing at my calendar page, I can more easily figure out what was going on.

But yes, if there is no clear indication that I meant to post something private, and only accidentally made it public, please feel free to link or share if the mood strikes you.

***

I made my post a couple days ago about needing crash space for the week after Arisia, and got many lovely replies. What startled me, however, was the number of people who grabbed me at squares or on IM to make a point of telling me they'd left a comment. It was confusing mostly in that, well, why wouldn't I know?

Apparently getting comments e-mailed to you is not quite as ubiquitous a thing as I think it is. So here's the deal: If you make a comment in my livejournal, I will read it. I get every single comment sent to my e-mail box, I check my e-mail at least daily (simply because I have to log into my e-mail in order to write my words), and livejournal has a special tag, that I notice, and regularly check.

Oh, and the usual reminder, I love getting comments, and I love getting comments of any length. Please do not decide not to leave a comment because you felt you were rambling or babbling or whatever --you probably were, but I _really like_ rambling and babbling. (I mean, if you were leaving a comment that got long enough you decided to make it into its own post, by all means do that, and toss me a link so I can feel all special for inspiring discussion.)

And the other thing to note, that I point out to people as something cute to do sometimes, if you leave a comment in my journal and then immediately delete it (which, yes, could be seen by other people, so use cautiously), I will still get the comment e-mailed to me. It's like a secret way to communicate with me, ooooo.

That's all I got for now. YAY STUFF!

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
((I maintain, since I had another complaint that my livejournal was too depressing1, that this is a happy entry. Or at the very least, an introspective entry. Shutup, it's my journal, and I will introspect if I want to.))

So, I'm an introvert, yeah? Given an extended amount of time around a lot of people, I will start to get unhappy and offcenter. This results in me being short-tempered, and less able to cope with things than usual. Very bad. Luckily, it's easy to fix --I go spend a couple minutes-hours-days by myself, and bam, I am back to my usual smiling self.

Right, fine, that all makes sense.

Except for the fact that I do *massively* better when I get to regularly interact with whoever's at the top of the list of people I like. Spending every night over at some sweet thing's house may make my brain start to whine a little, but it also means that I don't have panic attacks.

Seriously. To put it more directly, kissing keeps me from freaking out.

...yeah, I don't really know how to feel about this either. Or rather, I do know my usual reaction to things like this --to be uncomfortable with the dependence on others it illustrates. But the thing is...I like kissing. And cuddling, and snuggling and dancing and physical intimacy, and *conversation*, oh gods, I love good conversation with smart people. Hanging out with people I love, really LOVE, calms my brain down and helps me retain my sometimes fragile stability. I've more or less been aware of this fact for a long time now --when did I actually start asking for help when I was breaking down again? Yeah, that.

Of course, I'm still shit at actually seeking the help when I'm in the middle of a breakdown. I don't really think anyone's good at that skill, and if they are...well...they probably need the help a lot less than the rest of us honestly. But it occurs to me that there's a corollary to the skill, and that's keeping whatever ethereal shield protects me from hitting the breaking point in the first place full. Which means talking to people I like (and people I love), and snuggling and hugging and kissing and all the rest of it. Oh. Darn. That'll suck for me.

On second read, this entry doesn't *really* make a lot of sense, which is why this is a journal and not a blag. Blags are for people who can actually write essays to turn into entries, like JoshZed or my math teacher. That's okay, I like journaling an awful lot, so you guys will have to just deal or somesuch. Ta!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I maintain that my livejournal is *not* too depressing. Given twenty public entries, they're about evenly split between positive and negative emotions. You all just don't register the happy entries as often, because happy is boring. So nyah.

Also, wow this is passive aggressive.


P.S: Yes, this is just me talking around the fact that I leave for Origins tomorrow, and it's going to be...heh. Look on the bright side. If I spend less than 24 hours crying, I've already had a better year than last! FUCK YEAH!

...'kay, that was a little depressed. Sorry mom.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I am the most secret1 introvert you will ever meet.

No seriously. Nevermind that I bounce and bubble and have the extrovert's tendencies to reign2 over groups of friends and easily talk to strangers. My introversion does not typically take the form of shyness. What it does take the form of is being worn out by social interactions, and the more numerous the encounters, the faster they just completely fry my brain.

So, spending a day on the computer writing stories and reading blogs while in my room? Perfectly fine. Spending that same day, doing that same thing in the middle of Times Square? Oh gods, do I need to curl up and de-social afterwards. The casual and brief interactions with a thousand strangers are enough to chop away at my ability to deal with other people, piece by piece, until I just want all of you to go away forever please now.

It's not just the number of people I have to deal with that can drain me of my social reserves. It can also be the complexity involved in an encounter or encounters --and as my social reaches its limits, I turn from bright and smiling to impatient, withdrawn, and bitchy4.

"So, Sor" I hear my adoring fans say, since I seem to use this particular trope an awful damn lot in my writing -you know, the thing where I imagine you guys asking a question relevant to the topic at hand and then I answer it? Segue! That's what they're called, I use this particular segue an awful lot.

I need to get more clever with my writing.

"So, Sor" I hear my adoring fans say. "Can you better explain that complexity thing to us?"

I'm so glad you guys asked exactly the question I was planning to answer! Funny how often that works out, ya'know?

The complexity of an interaction boils down to a triad of factors: A) how intimate me and the other person are; B) whether there are more than just the two of us in the interaction; and C) how intimate the non-me people in the interaction are with each other.

Generally (but not always), high intimacy levels for: A) means that the interaction takes up less social energy from me, for B) means it takes less social energy if A was low and SIGNIFICANTLY MORE if A was also high, and for C) means it generally takes less. Or in other words, I do best when I am extremely close to only one person at a time in any given situation, or when the other people in the situation already know each other relatively well.

This is possibly one of the least useful traits for someone poly to have, ever. Because, see, if I am extremely close to Foo, and extremely close to Bar, and Foo and Bar have never met each other, and the three of us go out to crepes, I will quietly and quickly run out of energy fretting about them interacting and my interactions with each other and making sure I pay enough attention to each of them and don't pay overmuch attention to the one, and aiee.

This is probably the main reason I suck so bad at threesomes5. This is *definitely* the reason why I went marginally insane at Arisia this year, with a little bit of the added disparity where to some people my general insecure fretting that they're enjoying themselves and I'm doing okay by them was an annoyance, and to others it was necessary.

(I hate fucking up the how-much-is-too-much "we okay?" insecurity thing. I am usually better than I was at asking often enough to be relevant without asking so often it's a pain. I think I've sorted it out now)

And of course, intimacy is not limited to romantic relationships --eventually I will introduce Lauren to Veronica, or Alys to Maddie, and those situations will be just as fraught and awkward7 as the romantic ones.

The ways to make such group interactions easier on my social capacity are all easy, albeit occasionally impractical. The big simple one is to just have more one-on-one interactions9, followed closely by the slightly more complex getting everyone to become friends with everyone else.

So there you have it. Instead of your standard sim bar that turns red when you haven't interacted with people enough11, I have one that turns red when I interact too much15. So, if I get all awkward and withdrawn around you, it's probably just best to let me get a little space (the span of time it takes me to walk to the bathroom and back can do wonders for a temporary restabilization) and your usual bubbly sorceress will be back in no time.

~Sor
MOOP!

P.S: I handwrote this, and it turned out like seven fucking pages. The things I do for you people!

P.P.S: Where, "you people" equals me.

1: Well, insomuch as anything about me is a secret. I keep very little of myself hidden except my present emotions2 and the extent of my insecurities. Well, and my daydreams, but that's more because those are stupid and boring to people who aren't me, rather than any real reason of secrecy.

2: Which is to say, literally what I am feeling at the present. I will happily tell people about the emotions I've had in the general to recent past, but if I am currently in a negative mood, it's unlikely you'll hear of it.

3: Reign is not quite the correct term, but being the "loud bubbly one that everyone else flocks to" is definitely one of those things I do. I blame my mother.

4: And I do *try* to apologize for the bitchiness when it happens, but I am not always mentally able to, I'm sure. In short, this is *why* I get withdrawn when I get oversocialed. So I don't have to be bitchy in the first place.

5: Taken literally, I suspect the phrase "I suck at threesomes" would actually be quite the turn-on for most people. I am not a unicorn6, bobspamit!

6: Unicorn = polysnark word for Hot Bi Babe --ie, the pretty girl who will come into you and your SO's life and date you both and never have outside interests and take care of the kids and be your kinky sex-slave, etc, etc.

7: Okay, maybe not *just* as fraught and awkward. It's pretty fucking scary to lock eyes with someone you love truly-deeply-dearly and say "this is foo, who I also love truly-deeply-dearly". I don't need my Beloveds to be the best of friends, but I'd like it if they at least got along8.

8: And of course, if someone I'm dating absolutely hates someone else I'm dating -or if is just profoundly uncomfortable around them- I'll take that as the warning sign it is, and act accordingly.

9: One-on-one interactions with people I'm close to tend to be an absolute breeze. If we have a relationship such that curling up in the same room on our separate computers and just being with each other makes sense10, then I am happy with this relationship indeed.

10: And part of making sense involves the desperation born of long distance -if we don't see each other in person so often that merely lounging feels like a waste, of course we're not going to just sit around, regardless of how intimate we are. I'm looking at you, oh, practically everyone I care about.

11: If you haven't played the Sims, they have eight mood bars12. The goal of the game is to keep all of them full, or in the green. When they get red, you've got problems!

12: Social, energy (sleep), comfort, hunger, hygiene, bathroom, room (aesthetics), and fun. The fact that I could do that by memory is probably an indication of a misspent youth.

13: Okay, admittedly I have a standard not-interacted with people for too long social bar as well. I probably *also* have mini-bars for the people I like best of all --if I haven't gotten my fix of old so-and-so, I'll get all sad.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
This was stolen from [livejournal.com profile] kittikattie as well --it's basically just a how-to guide for the Sorcyress.

Congratulations on your new Kat/Sorky/Sor! Here's some basic information to help take care of her, as you people are so wont to do!



1. How can I tell if you are angry?

I go quiet. If I am actually predominantly angry, and not merely emo or melancholic or panic attacking or generally directing the negative emotions towards myself rather than something else in the world, I go very quiet, and start to tend to strength positions --straightening the back, crossing the arms, and trying to stare people down. (yes, little ol' 5'2'' me.) The things that most make me angry are hurting or threatening those I care about, so making me angry tends to make me go into a touch of the mama bear mode. 



2. How should I behave around you while you are angry?

If I am angry at you, apologize immediately, and explain that it was a joke and you did not seriously mean it. If it wasn't a joke, I will probably do my best to cause you grievous bodily harm. (You know, before I get snapped in two). If I'm angry at someone else, let me rant, and offer appropriate noises of sympathy. If I'm angry, I'm not looking for help or answers, I'm looking to blow off steam. Trying to provide me with help or answers, or daring to defend the person/institution I am upset at will redirect my anger towards you, quite quickly. 



3. How do you want me to behave when you are hurting emotionally? (How is best to comfort you?)
If I am crying in front of you and not especially trying to hide it, congratulations. That makes you one of about four people in the last two years. Should that situation occur, you are to immediately, and without my prompting, wrap me up in a hug, pull me into your lap, and whisper sweet lies about how everything is going to be alright. If I want to talk about it, please let me, and feel free to interject with questions, suggestions, or advice as you feel necessary. If I'm crying, It's a problem that needs solutions, even ones as simple as "just wait a week and the status quo will be back to normal and you'll be fine"

If I am not crying, but have gone extrodinarily quiet and distant, and, most notably, if I do not wish to be touched (I will make this clear on the *very* rare occasion that it occurs, and please, with me the rule is always hug unless I've said otherwise. If you are my friend, you never have to ask permission to hug me unless I actively pull away from you) please just leave me be. Being humourous is a good way to pull me out of that sort of funk, but don't push, I will go find people/notebooks necessary to sort myself out.

Above all, if you have asked me once in an evening if I am okay, or any variant, you have used up your allotment for the time being. People repeatedly asking me if I'm really really sure I'm okay just makes me *pissed*.



4. Are there things we should ~not~ discuss?

What, in general?

Like I said, I'm a mama bear. I'm often very good at taking jokes and whatnot, but talking smack about Veronica or Aly is a very fast way to make me Very Angry.

Beyond that, I'm pretty easy with the world. I like people, I like situations, I like relationships, I like rants...if I like you, I will listen to your babble, whatever it's on, unless it's something that confuses me to the point of boredom. Rape jokes make me twitchy, however, and, while the level of freaked I get varies, my neck weirdness does tend to apply to both other people's necks and discussion of necks in general. Having no fucking neck, OTOH, is totally something to be ridiculed.



5. How should I treat you if you are physically ill?

That...doesn't happen a lot, really. I have far more than my fair share of spoons, and I really don't get sick all that often. In the very unlikely event I'm puking sick, putting up with me and running all the little errands (getting me toast, helping me keep my hair out of my eyes while I'm curled up in a little ball of misery on the bathroom floor, washing out buckets) will earn you a million billion points and make me feel really guilty that I can't do it myself. Regardless of what the physical sick is, get me some water to drink. Water is my placebo of choice. It cures everything!

I don't know if anyone actually has read to me when I was sick, but reading books from my childhood to me would probably make me the happiest damn thing ever.



6. What makes you happy? (that may be in my power to grant, as a friend?)

Humour. I laugh like it was going out of style, over the stupidest stuff sometimes.

I...seriously? Pay me attention. I'm far more of an attention whore than I will ever admit, and people noticing me both confuses and pleases me.

Hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, cuddle, hug. Oh, and let me drag you dancing sometime.



7. How would you like for us to recognize your birthday?

WITH A PARADE SPANNING FROM BOSTON TO SAINT JOHN'SSAN FRANSISCO! AND FLAGS! AND PONIES!

Or, you know, by like...saying happy birthday to me. Toss some words or art at me, that'll make me happiest. 



8. Are there any standing categories of presents that would be inappropriate or unwelcome?

Unless you are my parents, expensive presents are pretty much just not allowed. They will make me confused, and somewhat uneasy.

If you really want to give me sex toys, for some unknown reason, give me money and tell me to put it in my Liv fund. It _comes in bright green!_

Beyond that...I don't wear much jewelry, but if you find a good looking, plain ankh in any colour or material, I am all about that. I keep a semi-regularly updated present list in my livejournal. It's linked to in my userinfo, or you can find it by hitting the "permalink" tag, or you can simply click here



9. Are there times of the year that are difficult for you? (please explain if you are comfortable.)

I am a chronic procrastinator, so finals weeks tend to be stressful, and full of all nighters.

I tend to have a substantial panic attack in September/Octoberish, but I don't think that's a time of year thing somuch as situational.

The very end of November/beginning of December sucks. Hopefully this year it will suck less, and the next year less, and on and on until it doesn't suck anymore.

I often have either a severe low point or several small dips in the days immediately leading up to Christmas. I usually have a good Christmas day itself, but I've cried on at least a couple Christmas Eve's, or had to force myself very hard not to.

Any significant date involving my clone is going to be likely to make me sigh wistfully a lot and whinge about how unfair it is that she's on the other side of the country. Same with Veronica.

Also, leaving the people I care about or the city I care about makes me sad, but going to the city I love or seeing the people I adore soon thereafter usually makes up for it.



10. Are there important anniversaries that we should recognize in your life?

I was born 28 August 1989. It is the most damn important anniversary ever!

I usually do some sort of celebration for the day me and The Katters realized we were clones --January 30th.

Other dates that matter to me for one reason or another are 13 July, 20 February, 26 June, 2 December, 3 January, 24 or 25 January (depending on how literal I'm being), 27 or 28 January.

Significant birthdays include the birthdates of Mom, Aly, Veronica, Kat, Magus, and Gabriel. (I'm unsure of Gabe's actual birthdate, so we tend to call it February 28th. Alis's second birthdate is...lemme check...huh. Quite plausibly 30 Jan. Actually, yes, definitely 30 Jan. I don't have a set first birthdate for her.)

And of course, my death day is the 132 day of the year --June 18th, most years. 



11. Who are the most important people in your life to whom we should defer when making plans on your behalf?

Me.

I do badly with planning things in advance, unfortunately. But I generally tend to defer to whichever event I was told about first, with the general rule that my parents have first dibs until I'm independant, you cannot have my Monday nights, they are MINE! *hiss*, and fen > nonfen when trying to get me to hang out with you.

Butyeah, mostly just my parents. And me.

~Sor
MOOP!
(8/12)

HTML

Oct. 13th, 2009 10:46 pm
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Unrelatedly to everything ever, I find it a little amusing that, pretty much any time I want to do something interesting with html, I cobble it together from viewing the source code of other people's journal entries. I'm pretty sure that this is teaching me Bad Habits.

Notes:


  • [ul] makes a list, with [li] being each item in the list.

  • [code] gets it in a lovely monospaced font. I am SO PROUD I remembered the term monospace.

  • [pre] I haven't quite figured out yet, so I shouldn't     play    with it. And the gaps it allows for.

  • [sup] gives you superscript and [sub] gives you subscript I use the former for footnotes

  • [small] is how I make my footnotes smaller than the rest of the text. You can also mess around with font size, but [small] is easier

  • I'm pretty sure this is outdated, but [b] is bold, [i] is italics, [u] is underlined, and [s] is struck through

  • You can also apparently change the spacing of lists by adding a [p] after the [li]. A paragraph break, perhaps?


  • If I wanted to link my favourite htmly thing ever, I would be using [a href="http://link.com"]. Similarly, all those pictures I was posting earlier were yoinked from flickr by posting [img src="http://image-source.jpg"]


  • And while I'm too lazy to demonstrate1, [a href="#n"] will provide a link to wherever I have dropped the [a name="n"]


  • (added 2019 01 04): Shamelessly stolen from the Dreamwidth FAQs, I can type [user name=sorcyress] for a DW name or community like [personal profile] sorcyress

And now I can just use this as my go-to for html, without even frigging having to click on the "edit" button to view my raw text. I am so okay with this, you have no idea.

~Sor
MOOP!

1:Down here, silly!

PostScript: Friends don't let friends forget to close their html tags!
sorcyress: Picture of a smiling tampon with the phrase "Girls: We're so emo we don't even NEED to cut ourselves" (Emo-period)
Every six months or so, I'll attempt once more to do the Big Paper Sorting Project.

Which, as might be guessed from the name, consists of taking all the papers in my room, sorting them out, and recycling as many as I can bear to part with.

All this really means for this journal is that I start posting weird collections of quotes and one liners and the like --words I want to save, on papers I want to recycle.

No, today is not going to be a big post. I just feel like giving you this:

The Rules:

1) Avoid Stupidity

2) No Wigwams

3) Boys are the stupidest thing to fight over. So are girls. Don't do it.

4) You are the most important person in your life
4a) Your happiness is more important to you than anyone else's

6) No dancing until homework is done
6a) If given the opportunity to shag Randall Munroe, TAKE IT!


Yeah, these are the ones that are pretty much set in stone. I do, in the back of my mind, occasionally mutter about breaking rule three, largely as it's been rule three since...ninth grade? Tenth? Maybe even earlier.

Oh, alright, one more glimpse into my strange and twisted mind:

Stuff I learned this year1

*Grasshoppers2 are *delicious*
*It's okay to cook things from scratch (and awesome)
*Work like a real person
*Bullshit is still the primary component of all essays
*Skirts rule!


~Sor
MOOP!

1: Freshman year of college --Aug2007-May2008
2: Not the bug. The drink.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Upgraded Safari. It gave me twelve handy dandy quick links, which is pretty much useless, as I've set Vera up so that I can get at the most important links simply by pressing "cmd+#". So, the current sites I find important are:

1: Gmail
2: Hiveminder (Which I'm not currently using, so I should swap this out for something else)
3: My livejournal friends list (the important people variant)
4: livejournal.com/update.bml Shuttup, it's an important link to me!
5: Twitter
6: My deviantArt messagebox
7: Write or Die ((<3!!!))
8: Facebook. Mock at will.

But, being a good sport, and trying not to be inherently against something just because it's new, I've decided to go ahead and put some sites into those new twelve spaces, and see how that works out for me. If push comes to shove, I can still hit cmd-1 to get to e-mail, and cmd-4 to update here.

So, twelve sites:

First six are Gmail, LJ friends, Twitter, Facebook, LJ update, and dA.
7: Flickr
8: kdsorceress.livejournal.com, which I look at pretty often, honestly --good way to see what I've been kvetching about
9: Erosblog.com (NSFW, probably my favourite blog on the entire internet. Again, NOT SAFE FOR WORK.)
10: alt.org/nethack
11: Cracked.com
12: Write or Die, again, on the hopes that one of these days I'll start using it regularly.

Fellow Applesheep, what're you putting there?

~Sor
MOOP!

((Yes, this post pretty much was just made in order to shill for Erosblog and to coin the term "Applesheep". Baa.

Also, unstated rule, if you start a "my OS is better than yours" in my comments, it doesn't matter how much I agree with you, I *will* think you're a douchebag, and will take actions in accordance with that theory.))
sorcyress: xkcd panel with a single character alone at the computer and the text "Some nights, typing *hug* just doesn't cut it." (xkcd hug)
If I try to change the subject, that's because I don't want to talk about it.

One of my coping mechanisms --hell, my most used coping mechanism-- is to write. One line posts, quick rants, strings of curses...whatever. I fire it out, and a lot of the time, I don't bother to proofread or think much about it.

This is what twitter is for, after all. Letting people know the mood of that particular instant.

That particular instant. Moods don't last, and I've had more than a few awkward conversations because I let the walls down too low one night and hadn't found a way to hide that fact the following day.

The second most used coping mechanism is to mask. To find so many distractions, splatter myself across the internet, talk to so many people at once that I can't help but put on a happy face and pretend everything's alright. If I pretend enough, it can't help but become real.

However, masking takes a little bit of energy. It's a fragile goddamn process, and while I'm working on it, it's very very delicate. Trying to undistract me, pointing me back to whatever caused me to need to mask in the first place Just Doesn't Help.

So, why am I crying/upset/frustrated/hiding/etc? Because I'm in this shithole of suburbia. Because I'm sleeping alone at night. Because it's been x days since I've seen him or him and it doesn't fucking matter what number x is, it's too fucking high. Because I'm too introverted for this household, and I can't always have people nearby, and without people, I have to be by myself. Because when I'm by myself, I have to deal with myself, and in case my wildly zaphodic ego wasn't enough of a hint, I do not always or even often get along with who I really am.

Because I hate it here, and I can't escape. There *isn't* an escape here. I can go play on mein Das Nonstop-Programm1 or climb my tree or do any one of another million things that will unthrill my mother and result in annoyed phone messages.

Because I hate it in my head, and without distraction, I *really* can't escape. Let me find my fucking distractions, okay? Or seriously, GTFO, because it doesn't help. Star-hugs-star only works so well, and it's really just well enough.

No. I don't want to talk about it.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Very obscure reference. Don't feel like explaining, figure out a way to search my journal or something, as I'm relatively sure I've reff'd it before.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Okay. This is a post that I really really feel needs to be made.

I like comments

Shocking, I know. A blagger who is *also* a comments whore? That never happens! But I keep getting little hints from you guys that boil down to "you wouldn't be interested in what I have to say, and besides, it's too long and rambly to be worth reading."

That's not true. That's not *at all* true. First off, I *am* interested in what you guys have to say, and very. Human beings and their endless differences interest the hell out of me, and the people that I consider my friends especially so. You have things to say? Good, I want to hear them!

Furthermore, your comment is not "too long". Even if it passes elljays character limit for comments, it is not "too long". You are talking about yourself, and thing that interest you, and that's just a delight to read. Similarly, if you decide what you have to say is too much and too personal to post in an elljay comment, and you want to e-mail it to me instead ((I like e-mails too!)), it's not going to be too long.

Now, in both cases, I may take a while to getting around to replying to you. This is not because I secretly hate you, and definitely not because I didn't read what you wrote, but generally because I meant to sit down when I had enough time to give you a proper reply, got distracted, and it slipped off my radar. This is why I'll occasionally come back to things a couple months (or years, sigh) after they were posted or e-mailed.

So yes. Leave me comments, leave me e-mails, hell, write your own entry on the topic and leave me a link. You have things to say, and I will *always* want to hear them.

~Sor
MOOP!

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