sorcyress | Entries tagged with cw: ksatyr

Sometimes I come back, in 2024, and write additional content warnings even if they're only for myself. This one's hard, love. But it's also actually really really awesome. I'm really proud of you, kiddo. You have done amazing things.

I'm gonna go through this in chunks. The stuff in [blockquotes] is what he originally wrote to me.

Do I feel guilty about putting his private words up for people to see? Oh hell no. In truth, it feels rather delightfully vindictive, empowering almost. False words have little power when others are given opportunity to refute them.

( yay words )

So that's the e-mail. I might have even more thoughts later, but I think getting these down are a good start.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I have a saying in my head "If I'd Said Yes", which I've been meaning to turn into an essay for months now. But in essence?

If I had said yes to kSatyr and I having intercourse, because he pressured me and guilted me and manipulated me and I as just so fucking tired of always and constantly saying no, that yes would've been rape.

Current Music: Whatever you Want, which is making me smile so sardonic...

So, end of November, I got an e-mail from kSatyr. The immediate effect was to be incredibly angry at the idea that someone was A) hurting him and B) turning me in a damsel to do so. The slightly longer term effect was to have another bout of upfucked regarding whether or not I was actually ever raped or not.

When I made that second post, I mentioned something about having several thoughts on the e-mail in general. However, then it hurt too bad to read the words, much less try to respond, so it somewhat languished in my inbox for five months.

However, I'm feeling a bit better, a bit more stable, and have been pondering the depressing question of "what bits of the relationship were and weren't rape?". Because I've tended to say that it started consensual and later became less so, but I've also tended to think that, of the sexual interactions we had that I can remember, many if not all were rapetastic, so that's a disparity that should be addressed at some point.

Additionally, it's worth noting (as I tend to try and remind people) that kSatyr and I had a really fucked up relationship, in all directions. It's easy for me to look back and say "oh, he was shit at communicating and clinged too hard and got paranoid that I was sleeping around" without also looking back and saying "well, I was shit at communicating too, and tended to be a huge flirt and hugslut, and even though I never cheated on him, I could've better respected his whole "don't flirt with other people" thing."

As I've pointed out before, we didn't break up because he was raping me. We broke up beca...did I just manage to write that without breaking a sweat, without panicking, without *noticing?* I...huh. Thank you brain, I need that sometimes.

We broke up because it was a really bad relationship, and it needed to end. Hell, it *had* ended, I broke up with him in August before I went to college, and he broke down crying and that broke me down and I took him back. Which was a bad decision on multiple levels, but it's what happened, and I can't change it any. The whole relationship was unhealthy. On the one hand, he was emotionally manipulative of me, on the other...maybe if he had a girl who better lined up with what he needed, he would've been just fine. A polyamorous seventeen year old with no interest whatsoever in playing mama to anyone was not it.

(And even now, that is one of my chief warning signs. It's not a trigger so much as the hackles being raised on the back of my neck --if I am in or witnessing a relationship, and something is reminding me of mine and kSatyr's, there is Something Wrong and I will do my best to detangle. There are heaps of leftover triggers too (I can't be Needed, for the love of gawds, don't threaten suicide, all the sex stuff) but the mere feeling of that relationship is equivalent to me feeling that something is decidedly Not Right.)

This is a long entry. I apologize guys, I have a couple more long ones in the pipeline for this. As always, you don't have to read anything you don't feel like reading. Being on this filter doesn't mean I expect you to read or respond any more than being on my friends list means I expect you to read or respond to the rest of my livejournal. All it means to be here is that you've been explicitly told that, yep, I'm a rapekid¹.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Rape survivor is probably a much more accurate description --use of the word kid sounds either like we're talking child rape, which was decidedly *not* the case² or being a child *of* rape, which, unless there is something profoundly wrong in my parents' relationship that I've never been told about, isn't true. But I like the word "kid", nevermind that it's apparently incorrect to use due to goats, and I maintain that I am still allowed to use it in reference to myself.

2: Actually, I'm not entirely positive I know where the boundaries between child and statutory rape are, or if there even are distinctions. At any rate, was kSatyr breaking the law? Sure, but due to fuzzy definitions of sex in the first place, it'd be hard to confirm, and it's not like I have or had any interest in dealing with the legal headache.

Seriously, without the sarcasm: I have no interest in involving the law with mine and kSatyr's relationship. The relationship is over, all I'm trying to do is bury the ghosts. Going to court won't serve anything but to make both of us miserable, and me being an intercourse virgin makes it damn hard to say I was even actually raped in the first place.

If I thought kSatyr was a danger to other people, I would probably have different feelings on this. But honestly, I think he's more broken than dangerous, and have always thought that.

((A/N: I apologize, as this entry is *especially* meandery. I must be tired or something.))

Three years ago today.

Three years ago today, it was 2006. And I was looking for something, and found something else entirely.

That something else entirely was a journal, written by my clone. Among other things, it not so subtly said he loved me. Me, of all things, of all people. Crazy, confused, insecure little me.

It...started a very weird part of time for me. Not quite dating mek, but not really seeing Blue often enough to feel like we were even in our relationship. Everything got strained and confusing, and somewhere along the way, a word that I had heard whispered here or there pointed itself out to me: Polyamory.

I eventually broke, as I am inclined to do when I'm high on emotion and low on ability to deal, and talked to a friend about it all, and the end result of that was me giving mek a very firm "I've been really fucking confused, but we're just friends" talk. And things were weird between us for a while, but not very, and not for long, and we're both so good at masking ourselves that we pretended everything was perfectly alright between us. That word I had found got tucked firmly away, gnawing at the back of my mind.

The first person I ever came out to as polyamorous was Magus, which I inadvertently did via one of my first NancyButtons --"BiPolySwitch, I'm not indecisive, I'm greedy.¹". He asked me about the poly thing, and I may or may not have babbled something useless back. (I babble a lot around people I trust) I got the gist across though, certainly. I was poly. And breaking up with my partner in less than a month.

I was solidly single for about two months after that point, and while the next boy I went with accepted the poly thing (for reasons that would be really obvious if I was un-cryptic enough to properly explain who he was) the one after that, Ksatyr, didn't. No fault of his, at all --some people are monoamorous, some people are not. By the time Ksatyr and I broke up, I had pretty much figured out that I was solidly not.

I'm not going to swear I'll never be in a monoamorous relationship again, but I think it's somewhat unlikely to happen. I like people, more or less all of them, and if it's at all possible, several at a time. I'm really really happy where I am right now, with my complications and significant others and girlfriend-in-laws. I am connected to really really good people, and I like having that in my life.

So, three years ago today, my brain broke, with shock, and confusion, and weirdness. And, in putting itself back together, it realized one of the most important things about me that there is to know.

It's been a good three years for me.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Mom later forbade me from wearing the button, telling me only so much as that switch was not a thing I should be advertising. It took me bloody forever to figure out what the hell it meant --it's a BDSM term, meaning willing to play both Dom and Sub.

I'm not really in the BDSM scene at all --largely Not My Kink. But I, to a certain extent, both dom and sub relationships. I'm not indecisive. I'm greedy.

You know what rules?

Waking up killer early in order to make breakfast in bed for mum, who is the awesomest mommy in the world. I made her eggs, banana, english muffin with jam, and orange juice. AND, I made sure everything was within points.

Soyeah. I made her smile. Today will be a Good Day.

~Sor
MOOP!

*Note: Waking up at five in the morning does not rule, though. Oh well.

Current Mood: loving
Current Location: I love my mommy!
Current Music: Everybody's got the right to be...different!

Hey hon, content warning just for you, it'll make you sad

"If you're graduated, how much water do you hold?"

I love geeks. Credit goes to Ksatyr.

"...and I'll miss you! And if you're lucky, I'll miss you too Shan."

Credit Alys, about me and Shan eventually leaving her.

~Sor
MOOP!

Original Tags: graduation, ksatyr, alys-the-eternal, college, quotes

Current Location: About to be Merriweather
Current Music: None, and if you say Pomp and Circumstance, I'll kill you.

Life rules because:

A) Monday became senior "prank" day, as it was the last day of just classes (All the rest of this week is filled with ~~sitting on my butt being bored~~ ~~watching idiots play with condom-balloons~~ ~~wishing death upon my asinine classmates~~ graduation rehersals.) Senior prank was origninally going to be a giant conga line through the school, but it sorta turned into just a giant mass of running and yelling and enjoying ourselves.

It rocked. A hundred people, wearing leis, screaming "07"...it was HIGHLY fun to do. And since there was so many of us, there was just no rational way that they could figure out who to punish, or carry out punishments for all of us, meaning we got off with nothing more then a delicate slap on the wrist.

Plus, I got to spend the rest of Monday (After the disrupting all the underclassmens classes :D) playing on a computer in Mr. Heurich's room. Which was nice.

B) Monday night was the wonderful ~~Slashy McSlasherson III~~

madamluna's birfday! I wound up hanging out with her, and a while heap of elljayless but awesome guyfriends, and eating sinfully good food at PFChangs. And stories about sea turtles. XD

C) Did I mention yet that I NEVER HAVE TO TAKE A HIGH SCHOOL CLASS AGAIN, EVER!!!!

Yeah, I'm reasonably psyched. You know. Just a little pleased. :D!

D) To make up for the fact that I have to attend all the graduation rehersals and sit with Becky and pound our heads against walls at the fact that everyone around us is a fucking MORON, the school let us seniors out early. Yay! So I've been chilling out, watching Robot Chicken, and revelling in the fact that Nik is still in school for another half hour.

E) I'm sure I'll think of other excellent reasons why my life rules later. In the meantime, I have graduation announcements I ought to be working on.

~Sor
MOOP!

Original Tags: life, luna, school, assholes, senior, birthdays, graduation, happybox

Current Mood: amused
Current Location: Not in school!
Current Music: Saving the Alice Cooper for tuesday, when I graduate.

G'morning!

Livejournal? Caught up with, at least the past week or so. I had to pull a restart recently, so if there was something devestatingly important that you posted between my trip to Germany and last Monday, I missed it.

Webcomics? Also known as drugs, and caught up with. Also, today's Order of the Stick is the freaking WINS! Anyone who has even a LITTLE bit of gaming background, go read Order of the Stick, all of it, right now. I am dead serious, you NEED to read this comic.

And Rich is my uncle's arch-nemisis. Which is SO COOL! (long story, comment if you're interested)

E-mail? My yahoo account is nothing but mail from colleges who have gone "ZOHMYGODS, you took the PSATS and we want you!!" Or, in other words, completely ignorable.

Gmail is done with, minus the ten trillion messages from mek I haven't bothered to deal with. Ten at a time, hm? BAH!

It's all his fault. :p

There's nothing else I *need* to do on the interwebs at the moment. I COULD go poke my head into Sluggy.net and see what they're up to, but it's getting to the point where everyone I know or want to keep up with from S.n has an elljay. Actually, wait, I could go check up on both snopes and bash.org. Back secondish.

Right, NOW I'm done.

So, that's the internet for me. Comics, elljays, e-mail, snopes, and Bash. Other stuff is cool, but not required to be checked on a relitivly often basis.

So, onto real life. Senior pictures today, as opposed to yesterday. Yeaaaaah. I don't really do pictures. I don't really do anything that requires me to sit still and pose. Which counts being hemmed. Most boring moment of my life was probably when Veronica was hemming up the dress I borrowed from Tyler last year for CappiesGala. Not because Veronica is boring, but her mouth was full of pins so I couldn't talk to her, so all I could do was STAND THERE!

And that is why books were invented. God bless Johann Gutenberg, and God bless the printing press. And is it a bad thing that I can remember exactly WHICH book I read that day? 'Twas the TMBG part of Chrome Circle...

Yes, I'm a litdork. If you didn't know this already...well...wow. You don't pay attention. I may not always have a book on me, but I always have SOMETHING to write on/in, and a pen...or several. I'll write on myself if I don't have any paper (currently my arm says I [heart] ink poisoning.) I think it's a prereq to being a writer...

Currently, I'm looking at this compisition book and debating whether or not to type up the elljay entry I wrote in here. I will eventually, it's babbling about candy and England, but I think that it deserves it's own entry. So, later.

Other reallife stuff? I think I slept wrong, my back hurts, and twisting to the right so that my shoulders are more then about thirty degrees perpendicular to my legs REALLY HURTS! (for contrast, I can hit nearly ninty degree's if I twist to the left) I haven't figured out what stretch I'm supposed to be doing to fix it either, which is the worst of it.

I like being flexible. Being able to place my palms on the floor with my legs together and knees unbent without having to warm up first is COOL. I should start learning more yoga, since I'm *not* taking gymnastics anymore, and yes kung-fu stretches me out, but I think I'm probably losing some of it.

(Also, doing shoulderstands are HARD! Or rather, it's almost numbingly easy, or was, until I realized that to do it proper, you need your whole body to be straight. Huh. I'll have to get Diane to show me how to do it proper when I see her next...I'm not tilted over far, but I'm a perfectionist, and I have this whole advantage of being young and stretchy.)

In better news, my knee has healed up pretty well. It's got a LOVELY bruise on it, all purple and red. So, from one problem to another. I just wish I could convince my body to COOPERATE for a while, and not get hurt. :p

I miss gymnastics. I should go practise arials out in the sledding field sometime, and swear a lot at how far I've slipped. (I used to be able to do them, I swear!) I don't miss the people or the being FAR too much older then anyone else or the CD memories (Rest in peace), but I miss the actual thing of gymnastics. Kung-fu's fun and all, but it's not the same. There's a lot less flying...

I'm apparently wont to babble these days. 'sok, I can handle that. If I felt like it, I would go turn on IM and babble to people -Marc surely, since I have yet to see him offline (I don't understand you people with your messages of one sort or another for weeks at a time. Is it some grand secret that no one's told me that it's better to never turn off your computer or somesuch?) and probably a handful of other people I may or may not feel like talking to. Jarne's probably awake, I saw him in passing earlier. mek's sleeping, Tho should be sleeping, and Ksatyr's at work.

Oh yes, pictures though. I should, you know, brush my hair out. It's probably REASONABLY brushed, but meh. Have to look good for pictures.

Effing braces.

I need to babble about my hair in here sometime. Because it's excellent. Possibly with pictures.

I think that's all for the now. Ta.

~Sor
MOOP!

Current Mood: chipper
Current Location: Dancing in the lack of rain...
Current Music: Blondie!

So, more of that lovely trawling bits.

But before that, an anouncement: turkey lunchables are the best sandwich meat ever.

Actually, what I *should* be doing is writing my ConReport for Balticon. Because it was AWESOME. And, me being the semi perfectionistic writer chick I am, I think I'm going to scrap the current format that it's in (Really, I don't even know) and replace it with something else, prolly chronalogical. Provided that I can remember everything that happened.

I think I need to rework my "People I actually care about and want to read all their entries" flist and prune it down to as small a handful as I can deal with. The problem is that people ocasionally hop on and off the list, mek and V and Mom are all permenent, of course, but what about say Chris. He's on the one I have, but so is almost everyone.

Mmm, Sweet Transvestite. Also, I am officially willing to admit RHPS as an addiction. I think I figured this out when I started going through moderate withdrawel on Monday and had Science Fiction playing on endless loop, which ocassionally caused me to start singing. Yeah. Kat does not sing unless there's music and she's feeling reasonably shameless. And in case you've somehow missed it, that is my new favorite song by a bunch. 17th most played song on itunes, which is especially impressive if you consider I've only had it on here for about two and a half months. *GRIN!*

No, I'm not obsessed, honest! You can ask Hyde exactly how obsessed I am with RHPS. He'll most likely snarl at you and stalk off to his room. And if Gabe's around, he will break out into song, which only serves to piss Hyde off more. It's REALLY funny.

...

Just because I have people living in my head doesn't mean I'm crazy.

You know, I think I'm going to try that one meme-type thing again. If you'd like me to post my thoughts on any subject at all, leave a comment with the subject and I'll write some random babbling about it. I have in fact tried that once before, but Liana was the only one to ever respond so it died quickly. I did in fact write that one (Shoes) but it's still untyped. Soyeah.

In other other other news, I think I need to learn how to braid my own hair. On a similar note, Marc wins bonus points for not leaving six plus inches of unbraided hair at the bottom of a braid, which some people seem to think is perfectly regular. No! Braids go until you run out of hair for the braiding!! *ruffles own hair*

It's actually down for once, which is beyond rare. I. Cannot. STAND having my hair down. But it needs a wash, and if I pull it into a ponytail, it won't get one. *sighs*

Yeah, I think it's time to transfer the thoughtstream over to conreporting. I'll catchyou kids and STG later.

~Sor
MOOP!

(((P.S: I'm in the market for any really lovely RHPS icon. The lovely Frank with a party hat was nice, but it's not at all ME! And confusing myself with my clone is Bad. So...yeah! Any takers?)))

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Location: Mmm, pringles!
Current Music: Science Fiction Double Feature

Alt title: Icon Lovefest, 2006!

I, once again, have a paid account! This is a happy-Kat thing. Amoung other things, this means, that until May first 2007, I have THIRTY FREAKING FIVE icons. ROCK!

Instead of spamming your flists by making posts for each of them, I shall be nice and post the Link for looking at all of them.

And I think that's all. If you think of an icon that I desperately need, lemme know. And yes, I'm working on a Walking to Rivendell one, I just need to go get GoogleEarth up.

~~~

Expect polls soonish. BWAHAHA!

Oh dear, tonights going to be a flist-spam night, isn't it? Ah well...like I care!

~Sor
MOOP!

Original Tags: icons, links, walking to rivendell, elljay, meta, cloneconvo, tagged

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Location: Icony goodness
Current Music: Racist Friend, TMBG

NTS: TW abusive ex, in the comments. <3, futureKat

***

I've changed a lot. In the past months, the past year, the past decade.

I've been alive almost a decade and a half haven't I. God thats a scary thought.

But I've changed a lot. Especially in the past year, the past two years, the past three or four years.

Sixth grade I was a total fuck-up. I was incredibly depressed, I was pretty sure everyone hated me, and I hated my life with a screaming passion. I thought about suicide a lot. My diary from the time...scary. As scary as it's ever been for me.

Seventh grade I had pretty much stabled out. I was doing better with my life, and I began to turn into myself.

Eighth grade, I was...me. I was cheerful and perky. I had just began to get into the internet in the second half of eight grade, and I was...unlike I am now. I have all of two diary entries from when I was in seventh, both pointless, and one from eighth. I was much more romantic back then.

Ninth grade I started as a screwball. I had become much more vulgar, and much more of an internet nerd. And I was very vulgar. I figured this out in October, adn I began to force-change myself. Veronica blames Sluggy.net, and yes...they have changed me. But in a good way. Not bad. I changed into a hopeless romantic. And I began to write in my diary again. I filled half my diary in three or four months, mostly mooning over guys. And talking to RAKA. I'm not sure when they appeared, but they did, and I talked to them. They talked back.

But I've lost them now. I'm not sure I care though. They just left me, peacefully. leaving me alone in my head in teh first time for a while. And their leaving...changed me.

They left when I became independent. When I became someone who could stand on her own feet, deal with her own mind, and was...practical. Realistic. Different.

Instead of gentle arguing, I philisophise. And I use this as my diary now. Granted, I have a new one, but it's not my diary. This is. My Livejournal. It's an open diary for anyone to read, but I don't care. I have nothing left to hide anymore.

Crushes? I haven't got one. I have no romantic love in my heart.

Secrets? What secrets? I'm open about most things. And the rest...are things I wouldn't write in a diary anyway, no matter how protected.

Emotions? I try to avoid writing in anger, or hatred, or fear. Negitivity. I've always locked my emotions. There are signs of course. If I start crying over something that would normally just be a small annoyance, you can tell theres something going on. And when I walk...if I'm running my nails along the wall, I'm probably not particularily happy at the moment.

I've changed a lot, like I said. I've become more cynical. More realistic. And much more anti-social. Sure, I like parties, and seeing my friends and hanging out. But only to an extent.

I've been trying to make it so my emotional stability rests on my sholders and mine alone. Too often recently it's seemed that I can be happy if I see ______ or my day will get better once I talk to ______. I don't like that though. It makes me too vernurable.

I think I'm finally getting to be someone I like again. For too long I wasn't. And that was bad.

I dunno. *sighs*

~Sorceress/Kat

MOOP!

Original Tags: unofficialxyears, i-write-good-shit: personal, sluggy.net, v, growing up, tagged, thoughtstream, nosce te ipsum, rlife, denizens, sorcy-is-pretentious
or
sluggy.net, raka, therapywarning, selfhate, read-the-sorkin-manual, retrospective

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Tourniquit~Evenesence

NTS: TW abusive ex, in the comments. <3, futureKat

( Rant on relationships, mainly highschool/teenage ones. )

Yeah. PPMO, thats all.

~Sorceress/Kat

MOOP!

Original Tags: cloneconvo, sexuality, gendersex, tagged, relationships, rants
-or-
therapywarning, rants,15!sor was a nightmare, gendersex, read-the-comments, relationships, cloneconvo, retrospective

Current Mood: PPMO!
Current Music: Me vs the World, Freaky Friday soundtrack

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[TherapyFilter] In which I actually copypaste some private words into a (semi)public place
[TherapyFilter] Starting to actually deal with an e-mail
X Years Ago Today
Little suprises
Quote (s) of the day!
Life, and why it rules!
The daily trawl...
(no subject)
ICONS!!!
Long, pointless, thing about myself. Yeah, it's kindof stupid.
*sigh* the human race continues to annoy me.

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MOOP!

The Rantings of a Terminal Optimist

Entries tagged with cw: ksatyr

[TherapyFilter] In which I actually copypaste some private words into a (semi)public place

[TherapyFilter] Starting to actually deal with an e-mail

X Years Ago Today

Little suprises

Quote (s) of the day!

Life, and why it rules!

The daily trawl...

(no subject)

ICONS!!!

Long, pointless, thing about myself. Yeah, it's kindof stupid.

sigh the human race continues to annoy me.