sorcyress | Entries tagged with sexuality

This is a RANTY RANTY RANTY post! Rant on!

SO INTERNET! Let's have us a little talk about relationships.

See, I have this friend, Turquoise¹, who considers themself to be monogamous. Recently, they have entered into a relationship with a polyamorous person (Green) who already had another partner (SIlver). Turquoise is monoamorous in relation to Green --T doesn't have any other partners, nor does T wish to find any. Turquoise is perfectly happy being romantically entangled ONLY with Green.

An ex-partner of theirs accused T, because of this relationship, of "Pretending to be monogamous."

This? This is not right in a big way.

The biggest problem is that T is still monogamous, and monoamorous. They are only dating Green. They are only romantically entangled with Green. They hold sexual fidelity towards Green². Turquoise is entirely monogamous, and implying that they were "pretending" to be such implies that they no longer ARE. Patently false.

Now, is T in a polyamorous relationship? I'd say kindof --I wouldn't call T's relationship poly, but I would call Green's relationship thus. I would call the relationship as a whole a mono-poly relationship, because oh hey, those exist and flourish, no matter how hard you pretend they don't or can't.

Because sometimes a monoamorous person falls in love with a polyamorous person, and they are willing to put in the work to keep the relationship strong, and not limit either partner or illegitimate their sexuality. They are hard, and require a lot of communication, and people who can be open and honest about their wants and needs, and otherwise are in relatively good standing with themselves³. But they happen, and they can be just as happy and healthy as any other relationship.

The second problem is the fact that, oh gasp, sexuality is fluid.

Seriously. Please let your mind wrap around that a little. Sexuality is fluid, and the types or number of people you were attracted to at one point in your life may not be the same as the types or number of people you are attracted to at another point.

Now, before you release your fury, keep in mind that sexuality doesn't *HAVE* to change, and for many people it doesn't at all. Sometimes it doesn't change so much as encounter new information --a previously monoamorous person being introduced to the concept of poly and realizing that it fits their brain better than the strictly mono structures they'd grown up with. And sometimes it absolutely radically shifts, as someone grows older and changes what they want and desire.

And none of that means the person was "pretending" earlier in life.

As an aside, I would just like to remind the audience that "relationship structure" is not necessarily equal to "personal sexuality". I know several mono folk who are in mono-poly, or full poly relationships. I know a few poly-folk who are currently, or have been in the past, in strictly mono relationships⁴. People make relationships work for them, as they need to.

And really, I think that's what all this boils down to: Does your relationship structure work for you. If you are happy, and your partner(s) are happy, (and ideally, *their* partner(s) are happy) then that's about the best you can hope for. "All relevant parties" does not include your friends, your parents, your exes, or anyone on the internet who thinks you're a dirty perv. If your relationship works for you, then don't let _anyone_ tell you you're doing it wrong.

As a final (unrelated) aside, I have a friend who has no interest in being in relationships at all. I hesitently suggested "asexual", but we both agreed that's not the word being looked for, as that's a totally different set of things (And indeed, many asexual people can form happy relationships, with each other or with sexual people (or both!)). He proposed "anamorous", which I think is a lovely term --and one I fully intend to use.

Rant off.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I have friends named Red and Blue. Writing this post got a little difficult as I navigated around that to choose arbitrary names.

2: Which is to say, the only sexual contact Turquoise has had outside of Green was with Silver, and this was part of the three of them being together with everyone communicating and having full knowledge of what was going on. There is no love between T and S, and no relationship --this wouldn't have happened were they not both dating Green.

3: Oh hey, did I just describe every relationship ever! I think I did!

4: Myself included --I was well aware I was polyamorous before I started dating kSatyr, but it was an agreement from the beginning that I would be strictly monoamorous while dating him. Now, this was an unhealthy situation for me personally to be in, but that's certainly not true of all poly-folk-in-mono-relationships, and more importantly, just because I am poly doesn't mean I *had* to be in a relationship thus.

PostScript: Oh and THIRDLY, because I forgot to mention it, it is not your right to declare other people's sexuality. Ever! You cannot say "they are not doing [sexuality] the way I think you should do [sexuality] and therefore I will accuse them of pretending", because you don't know what they're thinking, you don't know how they're reacting, and you have no way of knowing what they consider themself short of asking. So, unless you are a member of the relationship police (hint: That doesn't exist.) you do not get the right to decide if someone else is doing an adequete enough job of representing the sexualities they claim to represent.

Crossposts: http://kdsorceress.livejournal.com/607764.html

A bunch of years ago, I had a summer where multiple people admitted to being into me, which was both awesome and more than a bit "what?" But the end result was that I made a comment-screened post on the subject, asking "why?!"

((Sometimes I am unabashed in my need for ego-boosting))

A couple weeks ago, I was having a conversation with a friend in which they mentioned "I have no idea what boys see in you"¹. Because I am the queen of insidiously low self-esteem, my response was the highly rational and very helpful "I don't know either."

It triggered thought though, and so I've spent spare brainwaves from the last few weeks trying to sort out just what it is exactly that makes me That Girl. It remains a very true observation that I am --people, especially boys, like me. I can't help this, nor do I particularly want to, really.

The callous and to my mind logical first thought of "they like me because I put out" is presumably untrue, since as far as I can tell, nothing about my public persona indicates that I do so for strangers, and it's not like I have sex particularly indiscriminately, or really, much at all. Everyone I've shared a bed with over the last four years was a friend first, which means that they liked me *before* we got naked. Furthermore, I have male friends who would probably be quite willing to get sexy with me, but we specifically haven't, and they still find me worth hanging out with. So, whatever it is, it's not the sex thing.

The theory that I've been working on that I feel has the most weight to it is closely related to an essay that was posted on Polyamorous Misanthrope, and brought to my attention by Gabity-Gabe. The essay is about a boy who is extremely well liked by women, and posits that the reason he is so well-liked is because he genuinely enjoys the company of and platonic interaction with women. He doesn't just talk to women in the hopes of pussy, but because of the actual person around it.

Pretty much my whole life, I have had close male friends, often more so than female ones. This is because I really quite like males. I could not tell you what particular quality that leads me to enjoy male company more than female, but there must be some reason that makes it easier for me to make friends with other boys² than with other girls². I really do honestly enjoy the company of males, even when I'm not expecting to sleep with them.

This idea is strengthened by a theory I've had for a good long time now --namely, that someone being attracted to you is a *deeply* attractive trait. So, using that, we get the idea that my enjoying the company of males is something that they enjoy, and makes them more likely to enjoy the company of me.

Going even deeper with the above thought, we reach the idea that I am, for whatever degree of intensity or intimacy, attracted to a noticeable percentage of humanity. I fall just a little bit in love every other time I get on the subway. While I have definite physical types I prefer, none of them matter in the presence of an honest smile. If you're reading these words, I am probably attracted to you, at least a little bit, because you are human and alive and I find that absolutely fascinating. Humanity is beautiful, and each individual uniquely so.³

I've got a few other ideas as to what it is my boys see in me as well (and I haven't even engaged in the highly scientific response of just asking them and seeing if there are any common patterns) but I think that the fact that I really like boys, for who they are, is a pretty good start.

And now I open it up to you guys. What is it that people see in That Person that makes them so bloody attractive? Why do certain people just attract everyone and manage to get all the dates?

And sure, let's be egotistical here. What is it about me specifically that's just so damn attractive? Because I *still* don't see it.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: This made sense in context
2: My mind *insisted* that this wording was correct, and I can't really say I disagree with it.
3: Man, I am such a hippie some days. But it's true!

It's the Day of Silence today, for LBGTQAIetc rights. I've got about fifteen minutes to decide if I'm participating before I go off to class.

On the one hand, I'd like to. I am bad at fighting injustice in the world, and anything I can do, I'd like to do (current project: Stop using "lame"), and this certainly counts. Even if it's just another drop in the bucket, even if there are more students in Cambridge who'd do this than an opposite, even if no one seems to notice or care up here, it's something I can do.

On the other hand...man, I grew up privileged enough that I don't have to be silent at this period in my life. I can be out as poly, as bi, as queer to everyone I know, and it's really just not a problem. I have a voice, and I like my voice, and I don't want to shut up.

Because I have friends who have to be silent, and that's terrible. And if they have to be silent, well, I'll just have to be louder for them, because right now, I *can* be loud, and they can't. I have enough safety to speak my voice, and maybe I have enough power to make people hear --not on any large scale, but at least one person at a time, letting them know that oh hey, not all bisexual girls are exhibitionist sluts, and not all polyfolk are pedophiliac mormons.

Of course, going back to the first point, maybe since silence is something I've never dealt with, maybe it's something I should experience. Turn off IM, livejournal comments, e-mail, and twitter. If I'm not going to speak, I'm not going to speak at all.

I have to go to class. Decision made?

You'll see when I next post.

~Sor
MOOP!

Often when I am online, I stumble across interesting or awesome or or funny or terrible links. My normal response to such is to scan my IM buddy list, and link as appropriate --"here, I think you need this"

Every once in a while, that just shuts down. Case in point, there's no one awake and online right now who I would believe has enough of a familiarity with Blues Clues to enjoy this quote. So I share it over here instead:

((From TVTropes.org, Prisoners of Pollyanna (ie, people who want to escape their squeaky clean child role with adult roles))

Steve Burns of Blues Clues fame - he has explicitly stated that he has no desire to kill the image of Blue's Clues' Steve by doing anything terribly unseemly (he's even said that he has refused requests to have sex in the Blue's Clues 'Thinking Chair' that he was given, on the grounds that it would feel like a bunch of parents were watching him do it).

First thought: WHO WOULD WANT TO HAVE SEX IN THE GODDAMN THINKING CHAIR!?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!

Second thought: ...oh right, he's cute as hell and covered TMBG, which means he's got good taste.

Third thought: ...and it is a damn good chair. I mean, it's no Dr. Horrible's chair, but it's a nice chair...

Fourth thought: ...wait. No. Just no. WHO WOULD WANT TO HAVE SEX IN THE GODDAMN THINKING CHAIR?!!?

~Sor
MOOP!

((Parallel¹ thought: Holy shit, Steve got a Thinking Chair when he left the show? That is the SECOND GREATEST THING EVER (right after his cover of "Dead", which is pretty good, really))

1: I think on at least two tracks at a time. This is why I can be sobbing into my pillow and lamenting how melodramatic this all is at the same time.

WARNING: This post doesn't really get so far as talking about rape, per se, but it does talk about regular, routine, sexual assault. Trigger warning in effect.

Unlike most of the people on my friends list, I am really not that long out of high school at all. I graduated a little more than two years ago, and entered just over six years ago. This journal was started in December of my freshman year --it makes a really good chronicle of my life sometimes.

And sometimes, I laugh at naive younger!Sor, and sometimes we argue, and sometimes she weeps for me, as I am now. And sometimes, I weep for her, as she was then

On a similar note, why would any girl want to degrade herself by LETTING boys smack her on the rear end, or pinch or grab her butt? I see it in school way to often, guys do that to the girls and the girls just LAUGH! Why the hell don't they care?? That guy just grabbed one of your "private parts," a part of the body that you've known since childhood is even more private and personal then the rest of your body, and you just sit there and giggle. You IDIOTS! Trust me, and guy who gets his hand within a foot of my rear end will suddenly find that hand shoved down that throat. It still being attached to his arm is optional.
18/May/2004. Please don't mind the fact that it has taken me a very long time to apparently learn the difference between to and too.

Because it's really really hard to fight against everyone you're close to. Because you don't want to be called a prude, uptight¹. Because if you deck the guy, you've forced your friends to see you as "humourless" and perhaps a freak.

After all. He was only doing it in good fun.

I've never much had to worry about seriously resisting the peer pressure of the average high school crowd, because I was so far flung out of it *anyways*. I ignored and avoided nearly everyone who wasn't either part of the Table --largely a collection of those of us who were two (or more!) grades ahead in math and liked playing magic-- or the Theatre. The boys I grew up around, certainly in those first two or three years of high school, were sweet and dorky and painfully inept at girls. More importantly, they were gentlemen, and I think the idea of smacking one of their friends on the ass was just as taboo to them as it was to me.

But reading blogs, and posts, I stumble across the following --

A growing number of teenage girls view sexual harassment and even assault as “normal,” says a top Toronto school board official.
Gerry Connelly described the “new normal” phenomenon during her keynote address at the annual Safe Schools Conference in Toronto today.
“A young girl will see somebody being pushed against a locker and fondled inappropriately, or they are being touched inappropriately and they say: ‘Well that’s just the way it is,’” said Ms. Connelly, director of education at the Toronto District School Board.²

And that's what it was to me --normal. Sickening, and dirty, and slutty, and how dare those girls degrade themselves like that, but ultimately, a fairly normal sight to see. 14!Sor never once considered that maybe it wasn't the girls degrading themselves, so much as submitting to being degraded³. Out of fear of being ostracized, out of an inability to fight back, out of just not caring, because they know it's not going to stop, whatever.

And maybe I was wrong, and it wasn't sexual harassment at all. Maybe most of it was couples, roughhousing, playing, being just a little bit of exhibitionists just to show off they had each other. Maybe it was friends goofing around. Maybe not one of those girls I ever saw ever felt the slightest bit uncomfortable with the situation --it was just another touch, like a hug.

But I honestly kind of doubt it.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Perhaps nearly as bad an insult as slut, some days.
2: From PunkAssBlog, the article "The Evolution of a Feminist"
3: I...can't quite get this wording right. I want to say that the girls themselves were not doing anything wrong, however, they also weren't trying to fight back, and were instead accepting the situation -which is not inherently wrong, it's hard to fight against someone stronger than you, especially if you don't want to be told to just lighten up- but also did not necessarily help their situation. Insert debate here as to how much the victim is responsible for changing their situation. Yes, the abusers are fully at fault, but if no one ever stands up and tells them that it's wrong --and that did not necessarily need to be the girls-- they will continue their abuse. Orsomethinglikethat?

WARNING, because my disclaimers go both ways, for the people who read their friends lists from the bottom on up!
This post talks about regular, routine sexual assault at a high school level. Trigger warnings, and all that.

WARNING: This post talks a bunch about rape, and about fear, and about blaming the victim, and behaviours that people should take in order not to get raped, and behaviours that people should take in order to not, you know, rape anyone. If any of that is likely to trigger you, please skip the rest of it.

Someone linked this, and I don't remember who. But it made me laugh, in that pathetic, oh god, why do we even need to say this? sort of way.

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!
1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.
2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!
3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!
4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.
5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!
6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.
7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.
8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.
9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!
10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.
Credit to No, Not You

((I especially like that it's a non-gendered list on all accounts, and can easily apply to all manner of hurting-other-people, not just sexual assault.))

Lesley is not the sort of campus where they pound into our heads the "YOU WILL BE RAPED AT ANY MOMENT!" paranoia that a lot of places seem to feed -which is actually odd, now that I think of it- but I'm still tempted to print out a couple copies of this one and leave them somewhere casual.

And no, I don't particularly think anyone on my friends list needs to learn any of these lessons. I'd like to think that they wouldn't be "friends" if they did.

But seriously. It really really really sucks to be a woman, and constantly be told that YOU need to do the work, that YOU need to change your habits, and your clothing, and your behaviours because if you don't, the poor defenseless men around you just won't be able to control themselves, and they'll just *have* to rape you on principle.

It sucks to know that I shouldn't leave the house in that flighty little skirt that looks really cute, that I have to wake my roommates up with a text message so they know I got where I was going safely, that I won't ever drink around college kids¹ because I can't trust that they won't try to push me too far. Yes, they're all actions I take, and just some of the actions I take to keep myself safe --I walk a half mile or more most nights in order to get to the beds I sleep in. I keep my eyes open, and I keep a sense of where people are around me. When I go to Rocky, if I'm by myself, I wear a big coat over my slut-clothes, or try to find other groups to walk with.

When people offer to walk me home, no matter how much it sucks, I take the offer. Because yes. It's embarrassing to have to be walked home, like I was some kind of defenseless child, and it hurts my pride that I have to accept help like this, and sure, I can laugh it off, or maintain that it'll be nice to talk to the boy for a little bit longer. But it really really sucks to have to have someone else help me with as simple a skill as walking from point A to point B, just because I'm small and female. And I hate that I'm too smart to argue them out of it and walk around alone.

So yeah. I try and do the stupid behaviours that the internet and the college advisors and the sweet and well meaning and patronizing professors tell me I should do. I try to keep my head up, and my mind clear, and make my agenda known. I do my damndest to be a good little girl, and skip the parties² with the drinking and the idiocy and the potential for danger.

But I really wish that I didn't have to feel like being raped was dependent on anything that *I* did or didn't do. I really wish I *could* wear short skirts when I feel like it, or go to Rocky all by my lonesome, or wander for hours under the stars and lights of a sleeping city. I wish I didn't have to check in to anybody at all, not ever. I wish I didn't have to worry, and I really wish that some of these behaviours are so ingrained I don't even realize I'm worrying.

It sucks sometimes to live in an imperfect world.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: There are other reasons for this, too. But I don't trust college kids sober, and I definitely don't trust them drunk.

2: I don't actually get invited to this sort of party. But if I did!

WARNING (again, for people who read their friends list from the bottom on up, like me): This post talks a bunch about rape, and about fear, and about blaming the victim, and behaviours that people should take in order not to get raped, and behaviours that people should take in order to not, you know, rape anyone. If any of that is likely to trigger you, please skip the rest of it.

Women are warm and soft and curvy, and squish in all the right places. They have nice breasts, and hips, and don't have sharp elbows or knees. They take care of their body, and do things to make it look and smell nice.

They know how to cook, and are good at it. They make things from raw ingredients, not from boxes, and know how to go shopping for what they need, and don't even bother with recipes, since it's all so very simple to them anyways.

They sew things. They can both make things from patterns, like costumes and period clothing, or they can modify things that they get from other stores, to make them fit better.

They know what colours look good on them, and what colours match with each other, and what colour belt you should wear with these shoes, and what pattern shirt you should wear with that skirt. They can tell what clothes flatter their figure well, and what clothes won't. They look good in dresses. They own proper underwear, with lace sometimes, that serves just as much as decoration as it does utility.

They wear make-up, often every day. They know how to do it subtle-like, so that no one can tell they're made up, and they know how to do it striking, to emphasize their eyes and cheeks and lips. They can apply lipstick in one go. They know what hues to use for their skin tone. Similarly, they know lots of pretty things to do with their hair, and can pick or choose to match the occasion.

Women follow when they dance. If they're quite good at dancing, they lead sometimes as well, but only with the very inexperienced. They are good at following, and do not try to back lead.

They are flirtatious in appropriate ways. If they are single, they can flirt with strangers out in the big wide world, catch eyes, ask boys for numbers, all that sort of things. If they are hooked, they know how to behave properly as half a couple, know when to kiss their boyfriend, and how to hold him and where hands should be placed.

They do not tell dirty jokes. They may be bawdy in groups of their closest girl friends, discuss vibrators or birth control or very mild kinks, but they wouldn't dare mention masturbation in mixed company, or be vulgar. They are not sexual creatures in public. They may sometimes tease their boyfriends in public, but no one else, and get embarrassed if someone notices.

They are monoamorous, and display cautious amounts of jealousy towards their boyfriend's female friends. They are heterosexual, except for perhaps a few incidents of experimentation in high school or college, and perhaps except for a best friend, with whom wildly over the top, and completely platonic flirtation can occur.

~S/R
MOOP!

Oh hey, I never posted this. It seems pretty readable, so have an essay that's been lying around on my desktop for a couple weeks. I think I wrote it just post-NEFFA or so.

So, I don't shave my legs.

(I don't shave my armpits either, but it's a little easier to hide that --I can wear t-shirts all summer. There is weather where pants *really* aren't an option.)

I've never shaved --never really seen the point. My general feeling about it is that the only thing it really accomplishes is boy attraction, and therefore falls into the same category of "completely fucking useless" as wearing make-up does. When I was of an age to learn how and get into the habit, I was also of an age where boys were useless and relationships impossible. For just post-pubescent Sorcyress, boy chasing was the furthest thing from my mind.

As I've gotten older, actually accepted that maybe this relationship idea is not all bad all the time, and started to (on occasion) do things specifically to attract boys^{1, 2}, I've still never bothered to shave my legs. Between the feministy stance and the much larger "I am lazy and a little bit of a perfectionist and I don't want to waste my time doing that to the degree I'd want to" stance, I've just never gotten around to it.

This would not be a problem, were I not a little bit self conscious of my hairy self. Okay, a lot self conscious. I try really quite hard to love my body just the way it is, but as with the stomach thing (mine is round, not flat), I live in a society that has made it very very clear that my body is NOT PERFECT and I should therefore try to fix it.

This is obviously bullshit. The clearest reason I can see for having a societally perfect body is so I can catch myself a man. Maybe if I get to a point where I can't rattle off without thinking the names of ten guys³ who would happily have sloppy make-outs with me I'll shave and start binge-dieting like it's going out of style⁶, but in the meantime, I think I can live comfortably with my really quite awesomely hot body just as it is.

Now, almost a year ago, something in my attitudes changed. Prior to this, I tended to wear a lot of tights, a lot of pants, yes, all summer long. Tank tops would only be worn with an open button-up shirt over them. Society couldn't make me take a razor to skin⁷, but it could at least make me hide the fact that I didn't.

So, a year ago, I was driving somewhere with my friend Jim. It was recockulously hot out, because it was summer in Maryland, and I was wearing shorts. At one point in the conversation, he commented, and I gave my usual "I am lazy and a feminist and therefore don't bother" answer. His response? Totally without mocking "You go girl."

My brain clicked into place, and more or less all was right with the world. That was about the point of my life where I started actively trying to be better about loving my body like it deserves. I've stopped wearing tights when I know damn well they'll be too warm, short skirts are even less the enemy than before, and while I'm still a little bit self conscious wandering out in the world, I'm getting better and better at just not giving a shit.

I don't get in people's faces about it. I don't rail against my smooth-legged friends. ((Hell, when given the invitation, I will happily run my hands up and down my roommates just shaven legs --all of the niceness without any of the itching or stubble the next day!)) I don't even usually bring it up. I just wear short skirts and bare legs and let people decide for themselves whether that's terrible. If people can't be friends with me just because I don't match that idea of normalcy, well, I don't really want them to stick around to find all the other deviant behaviours I indulge in.

I still can't look in the mirror every day and think I'm gorgeous. Hell, half the time I can't even manage seeing "pretty". But I'm getting a lot better at looking in the mirror and seeing myself, exactly as I'm meant to be, and not someone uncomfortable in her own skin.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I feel that this is about the point in the essay where I should say I'm only using boys because I am too lazy to constantly write out "folk who like girls" I have no problems with being ogled by members of any gender --at least not when I'm in ogleable mode. It's a weird little exhibitionist line, and would probably take another essay to explain.

2: And I still don't often do things specifically to attract people. Rocky Horror and *some* conventions are the only exceptions, and only to a small extent.

3: This is not an exaggeration, and I've thought of at least two more since I said that. And these are just the folk I *know* want sloppy make-outs --I'll be damned if I can ever remember or keep track of how many of you want to take me home and do naughty things with me.⁴

4: ...or to me, but that's a different post, and one I don't feel like putting here. Suffice to say, I think that sloppy make-outs⁵ should have all parties as active participants. More fun like that.

5: This is a euphanism.

6: Or, you know, I'll just get over it and be happily single. Shock, horror, all that.

7: And that's another thing. Razor blade. Can kill people. Scraping against skin. How the *fuck* is this considered normal for *anyone*?

((That being said, I do have maybe a slight preference for clean shaven men. But I've had perfectly nice kissies with boys with beards before, so really, shaven status is totally up to them. Unless they try to grow a pornstache. I do not give kissies to boys with pornstaches.))

((This is the essay I've been meaning to post since Flurry --really, more of a narrative. UMYEAH. In the interest of not babbling like an idiot, I don't have any author's notes to preface it with. That's what footnotes are for.))

The Penultimate Waltz
(An essay detailing the happenings of my finest dance this weekend, and a short analysis of the three minute intimate experience.)

In the course of my dance weekend, I had a chance to discuss with a tango instructor the melancholic sensuality of dance. "A three minute deeply intimate experience" he described it, and, catching on to the poetry of the words, stored that thought into my head for later use.

The later use came earlier than expected, the next day, at the end of a contra set. Scouting the hall for someone to dance with, I saw a very vaguely familiar face with a button --"I give hugs".

"Hello, want to dance, and don't I recognize you from NEFFA?" We reintroduced ourselves and joined a set, and I crossed my fingers deep in the back of my mind and prayed, as I always do, that he would be a good partner, and this would be a good set.¹

(In contra, the first is far more important than the second, and indeed, unless you are very lucky, there will almost certainly be those you find distasteful, or at best, merely uninteresting.)

So we begin to travel up the set. It is, in a word, exceptional. He is good and I am good and we are Good together.⁴

That was, unbeknownst to us, the last contra, and after the last contra always comes the Last Waltz. All around us, couples were forming. I waited a polite moment, then went ahead and asked him if he knew how to waltz.

I've danced with many waltzers, some good, some great, some exceptional. He was, perhaps, merely good, slightly on the inexperienced side⁵ but he had an excellent sense of rhythm and as we danced I found myself drawing steadily closer, to press more against him. He did not pull away -our chemistry palpable to us both.⁶

We ended, and he pulled me into a hug. (Or perhaps I pulled him, it matters not.) The dancers around us whooped and cheered the music, but we had a mutual reluctance to let go of one another. As I leaned close to him in our hug, I found courage to go ahead and ask -"Would it be impudent of me to ask to kiss you?"

(I am nothing if not terribly polite)

He answered in a positive manner, and our lips met, sweet and warm and wonderful. We pulled apart as the dance dispersed, a slight blush tinting both our cheeks.

"See you at NEFFA" I called as we trailed off in our separate directions, though I think, even if we did, the world will not be the same. But for that three minute intimate moment, nothing mattered but being there and dancing together.

The Last Waltz is meant to be the important one, the one you save, and Dance Flurry ended with one more set of contras and a truly last waltz. But for this festival, of all the dances I danced, that final festival waltz meant nothing compared to the dance (and the kiss) before it --the penultimate waltz.

((Written 15 February 2009))

~Sor
MOOP!

((Postscript, written 8 May 2009:

I danced with him at NEFFA, but we didn't wind up kissing --I may have been slightly distracted at the time. (*coff*) I danced with him last night, being as he was my ride to Concord and whatnot. Ladies⁷ don't kiss and tell.

He remains probably the best contra dancer I've ever met though. Sorry all the rest of you, 'struth. I've ended a contra with him and been unable to think for a couple minutes --I think the only other person who's ever done that to me just through dancing is Magus, and his glorious waltzing.

...now, to get him into a skirt...>.>))

1: Holy run-on, Batman! This is one of the big problems with whenever I try to be prosey --I get a bit ridiculous². Also, the line was originally "prayed to the true goddess of dance, for I am merely demi³" but that's perhaps just a bit obscure.

2: I am -well, ridiculously- proud that I have finally figured out how to spell this word.

3: Long ago, mek had heaps and heaps of assorted titles --four altogether, I think, although I can only remember three of them right now. (Ritzy the Anti-Strag, Fiend of Vile Falsehoods, and Crackers of the Pointy Tortilla Chips) At some point, I complained about the fact that I disdn't have any titles at all. Shortly thereafter, I received a letter addressed to "Sor, the Demi-Goddess of Dance". Whether or not I 'deserve' that title is an essay for later, but at the time, it made me incredibly happy.

4: 'k, I was gonna go verbatim from my notebook, but I'm not sure what the hell I was writing here. Yes, that's partially because I was in a car when I wrote this and so can't really read my handwriting. Just know that it was a really unbelievably amazing dance.

5: Sooo tempted to revise this, but it'd be a lie. He is a perfectly fine waltzer, but between Magus and Larry, I have been completely spoiled for merely "fine."

6: Dear Sor. Never write prose again. No, *seriously*. Love Kat.

7: I am not a lady. I am a gentleman, however.

Original Tags:
bestof, dancing, unfiled people-fen, writings, unfiled people-alsoreal, tagged, i-have-a-crush-on-every-boy, i-love-being-poly, gendersex, sexuality, magus, i-write-good-shit: personal

So, this weekend I went to NEFFA. YAY! I decided to go the entire time without Vera. YA...oh, wait, BOO!

But! Before going, I set up my phone to receive twitter messages, from mom and the people who were gonna be at NEFFA, and more importantly, set it up so I could update my twitter from anywhere I got phone service.

Tweets are in italics, and ( under the cut )

So yes. NEFFA this year felt largely more like a convention than a dance event, but I'm pretty okay with that. I spent several hours doing multiple kinds of dance --I got to do a bit of swing with a really talented lead --he led me through a couple jumps and dips, which was rad.

Volunteering went reasonably well, if dull. Dancing was not enough but quite good what there was. People were utterly amazing --I should really make a point of talking to SpringIsWrath more often, as he is wonderful, plus keeping up with Jesse (known also as Boy-I-Kissed-At-Flurry) and

ncarraway.

Soyes! That was my weekend. More posting on more things eventually.

~Sor
MOOP!

POSTSCRIPT: My twitter is here, if you want to actually follow it. Let me know offlist who you are, so I can follow you back!

1: I like boys in skirts, oh yes I do.

2: Tall. Painfully skinny. Long hair. I don't find everyone who fits this trope attractive, and there are certainly other tropes I go for hard (my height, something like twenty or thirty pounds more of curves than I have, dark hair, female -oh yum!) but both my dating track record and my eyecandy track record reeeeally like the gangly ones.

3: Pets, with the capital letter, are different from pets, without. The capital letter denotes ownership of some sort --it's very not my kink, but not to the level where I'd call it an antikink⁴ or anything. I find it a fascinating power dynamic, from both sides.

4: I feel that the most acceptable word for the opposite of a kink is a squick. But the word squick (and its original meaning)...well...squicks me, so I try not to use it. I'm working on finding a better word, expect post on this later.

Scheissentagzunfixen2009 continues to go well --I baleeted 85 percent or so of my tags with only one use, and I have ten months (out of 65) all tagged up. Yayy or something.

***

I am uncommonly antisocial right now, and have been for a substantial amount of time --at least since Tuesday, possibly since earlier. People = Donotwant.

***

Went to a Vienna Teng concert on Tuesday, which was beautiful and quite needed. Went ahead and bought two of her albums --the brand new one, "Inland Territory", and the second-most-new one, "Dreaming Through the Noise". (Her first two albums I own by..um...magic. Yeah. Magic¹. >.>)

"In Another Life" and "Stray Italian Greyhound", both off Inland, were played during the concert and are *fabulous*. I've had "In Another Life" or "Whatever You Want" (Off Dreaming) stuck in my head pretty much all week. It's nice.

And a further essay concerning Vienna is coming, I just need to type it. Additionally, I may write an essay or something about objectification of artists.

***

Tonight, as a present for Maddiecakes birthday, the two of us wandered over to Harvard to listen to Joss Whedon talk, after recieving the highly esteemed and prestigious Lifetime Achievement Award in Cultural Humanism. It was actually a pretty well put together speech, and definitely raised my largely indifferent² opinion of Joss several notches.

Afterwards, there was signing, so I have a signed Dr. Horrible DVD. Alas, no personalization, due to the sheer volume of people, but still. Joss's autograph. And yes, mom, I told him you said thanks for putting you in the special features.

***

I have been writing like an absolute *fiend* lately. I know that I have a short story, the aforementioned Vienna essay, and most of the third part of my deep stuff night scrawled down, and I may very well have more that I'm forgetting about. One of these days, I really need to learn how to type. :P

***

By the way, in case I've forgotten to squee, in the past month or so, both Iowa and Vermont have made it okay for the gayfolk to marry each other. That makes FOUR STATES that my little sister can get married in. I am so happy about this.

***

Conor and I played about four rounds of Chrononauts the other night, and determined that we want to play/write/whatever a Time Travel rpg. I'm guessing GURPS might be the most valuable resource, but you lot are smart people. Suggestions?

***

I think that's it for now. I'm gonna go sleep.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Part of why there was no question when I got the oppertunity to actually pay money for some of her music. Oh, Vienna! She is very very good, and will get my money as I have it spare.

2: Oh, he's a good writer, no doubt about it. But about the only thing of his that I have raptures over is Dr. Horrible. I...may have a natural reluctance to fawn over the people that every geek ever worships.

One year ago today, it was 2008, and I was (shocking nobody who's ever had an extended conversation with me ever) interested in gender and sexuality.

I also believe I originally meant to post up some thoughts on that poll, ages and ages ago, and then got distracted. At the very least, go fill it out for me if you haven't, okay? Or, if you want to do the really quick and dirty version in the comments of this post...

You list as [gender(s)]:
Explain:

You are attracted to people of [gender(s)]:
Explain:

You consider yourself [poly/mono/etc]:
Explain:

You are currently in relatinships best described as [none/mono/poly/complicated/etc]:
Explain:

And, bonus question, since I forgot it in the original poll:
Your preferred pronoun is:

Seriously. This kind of thing fascinates the hell out of me. Babble¹ about gender and sexuality and stuff like that in the comments, please!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: No, really, Har, Dodger, etc. I like hearing people's thoughts, especially about this. I am encouraging long comments, damnit. Don't let yourself be limited by the thought that I'm going to be overwhelmed --if you're that worried, just toss a one line summery at the bottom for ease of skimming. I promise to read the whole thing though.

I...think I just had a nightmare.

I am lucky enough, blessed enough, that I do not get nightmares often.¹ Actually, this paired with this dream from the summer makes two in about eight months which is...a lot, for me. Luckily, this one does not have such a vivid imprint of what happened, instead, it has the lasting mental side effects, the clearest and worst of which is that I am right now decidedly touch-negative.

The really *really* impressive part of this, though, is that I can now legitimately say that Stevan Moffet has given me nightmares. There was a heavy sci-fi bend to the whole dream, and I think parts of it had the same feel as one of the scary episodes of Who. Other themes I remember? I was a prisoner, trying to escape and not yet good enough. I was being trained or watching someone be trained who was Just Not Good Enough to please her/my master. I...feel like there was an undercurrent of (sexual?) child abuse as well, as a feel, but I just don't remember well enough.

And yet, the traces fade. I think I am okay to go be held, and feel safe. Safety is, after all, key.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I get disturbingly sexual dreams once in a while, which tend to leave me feeling off, but are not nightmares per se.

Three years ago today, it was 2006. And I was sick.

I don't really get sick very often. I don't tend to get much of anything often, due to a combination of sheer stupid stubborness, which keeps me going long after my body has decided it Does Not Like This, Thanks¹ and a relatively awesome immune system.

Of course, the latter is largely because I revel in germs. While I won't eat strange food off the ground, if I drop something, there's a fair chance that I will subsequently put it into my mouth, even if I know damn well if I shouldn't. Actually, I put a LOT of things into my mouth, even if I know damn well I shouldn't. I use my mouth as an extra hand, and biting things is a comfortable sort of way to claim them --certain things I own just feel right if I nip at them, like my luck-cat, and my most possessive² gesture towards people is to bite them lightly on the shoulder

Soyeah. Woo germs! While I'm not positive, I think that three years ago would be the last time I was seriously sick then.

And of course I watch too much television when I'm laid out on the couch miserable. Doesn't everyone?

~Sor
MOOP!

1: See any long dance ever, especially my first Contra
2: I have a big problem with the concept of possessing people, largely because I have a big problem with being possessed. So I tend to shy away from claiming behaviours, and the word "my" in relation to the human involved in the relationship. (Different from using my in relation to the relationship --ie, Magus is my boyfriend or my boy, but not my Marc.)

You know what? Nothing amuses me like being silly, so I'm thinking I'm just going to repost this with slight changes.

Because three years ago today, it was 2006. And I decided to be a comments whore.

No one ever comments in my journal! Therefore, I'm going to delete it, and commit suicide. Possibly involving a fish, although I might use my Ravonous Bug-Blatter Beast of Traal.

After I'm done with that, I might go somewhere. Cool!

I've recently had a major life change! Thats right -I've morphed into an androgynous three eyed hooloovoo, with an extra arm shaped like a fork. And I'm getting divoriced from my friend Shirly. She's such a bitch.

But there are many cool people who aren't bitches. thorog's not a bitch for instance. He's smart. Same with naraht. And muzikmaker21 is of course just awesome. I got to see ~~her~~him (Oh god this is old) this weekend. I also saw werewulf. And artemisfowl2nd. And later I get to see jere7my and marcmagus! But not macaroniandtuna or drama_angel3189 which is a shame, because they are also cool people.

I am wearing very little! I won't post pics though, because I'm ~~embarrassed~~too lazy to turn on the webcam.

I saw this article about abortion in the paper. It was all about Montana's abortion laws. I think Montana is boring, except for Montana Jones. He's cute. Those are my opinions!

(((To all the people giving me VERY strange looks at this point, I'm merely playing with the idea of the Naraht-ian laws of getting comments)))

~Sor
MOOP!

So, four years ago today, it was 2005. I was babysitting Koob that night --it must've been a Friday-- and found myself in need of singing lullabyes to him.¹ It's unclear from the entry whether they were more for his benefit or for mine. Probably his, I don't think I was using lullabyes as selfcomfort that far back.

Additionally, I said something that I haven't been able to say very often post then --Dammit, I don't need a guy(/girl) in my life to be happy, I know that. But it's damm hard to be perfetly and utterly content when everyone else around you DOES have one.

(Of course, this was mere *days* before I met

sonsashi and All That started.) But indeed, I have not spent very much of the last four years single, a month at the start and end of 2008, six months in '07....I've finally made it in a year long relationship, and given a few weeks, I'll have done that twice.

It's funny to think that the stubbornly single 15!Sor would grow up to be so poly she can't keep track² of her complications.

~Sor
MOOP!

((Oh, and since it comes up in the abovelinked post, Rin. Rin is not quite a denizen³, but is my fictional, occasionally Mary-Sueish fantasyself. Done as strictly as possible, she is me with magik, but she developed into more of a sort of watchdog in the back of my mind --there was quite a long time where she was keeping an eye on Hyde, because she was easily more powerful than he was. Butyes. Rin in this post is really acting quite like a proto-Alis.⁴))

1: Notetoself: Lullabye post. Do it.
2: No, no, this isn't really true. I have two relationships and four complications. Of course, this is differentiating between the concept of relationship and dating, with the understanding that dating is non-exclusive...I'll post about this one later, too.
3: Person who lives in my head and gives me advi-- damnit, I really just need to write a post explaining them and just link to that whenever the word turns up.
4: Why have I only just noticed how confusing it's going to be to have a guardian bitch called Alis (pronounced Alice) and a little sister called Alys (pronounced Alice) I am displeased.

So, I've decided to start a 2009 project, that I try to do, if not every day, damn close to it. I am calling it "X Years Ago Today" and it is basically me finding out what younger!Sor was like --each day, I will trawl back in my livejournal(s) archives, as well as possibly the Behind the Wall file or whatever history I feel like looking at, and find out/post what I was doing X years ago on this date.¹

Today's x is three. Three years ago today, it was 2006, and I went on a drama field trip, where apparently I was made more aware of my desperate love for androgony, and was able to ascertain that I Like Genderfuck.

16!Sor was so cute. And of course, I'm damn sure she already knew about her draglove, later in the year she went out with a genderwhatever pre-everything ftm². But still, it's sweet of her to make a special note of it.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: If I decide that it's too boring or cluttery here, I'll post it over in

sorspeakswords instead.
2: That would be Blue Canary. I do not stress about using female pronouns for her, because she has given me the impression that she really just resoundingly doesn't care, genderwise.

I have a list entitled "Common Themes in Sorcy's Mindscape", which I add to when I think of new things. These are not necessarily tropes that ever show up in my (public) writing, but instead things that tend to be near the forefront of any daydreams I might have.

One of them was brought up in a discussion last night --the idea of, for lack of a better term, pure transsexualism. I am endlessly fascinated by the concept of what would happen if men suddenly turned to women, both on a global and individual scale. I say pure simply because it would be a complete transformation, in essence, you are you, you just happen to suddenly be in the body you would inhabit were you born female.

While I will occasionally toss various people I know into the male to female situation and daydream about what happens next¹, the only person I've ever bothered to think about in a female to male situation is myself.

I've spent probably an embarrassing amount of thought on the topic, to the point where my male!self has a name (Erik) and a rough background. He almost certainly dated Veronica (though probably at a younger age, and they've since become friends), he is...probably...less interested in genderfuck than I am, he is not as into the dance scene not because he dislikes dancing but because he doesn't have the same relationships with the people who have primarily dragged me into dance. (I don't know if he would know Magus, for instance.)

The biggest sticking point is that I honestly don't know what Erik's sexuality would be --I know he likes girls, but I don't know if he also appreciates or is interested in men. Yes, I like everybody, but I'm a girl and it really is more socially acceptable, in my limited experience, to be a non-hetero female than a non-hetero male.

So!

What about you? If, when you were born, you found yourself with an x instead of a y or vice versa, what do you think your counterpart would be like? Would you be into the same things? Would you have the same gender, do you think, and the same sexuality? How would your basic relationships with the people around you be different --for the purposes of this post, they all have the gender they have in the real world, you're the only one different.

Tell me alll about yourself. *grins*

~Sor
MOOP!

P.S: For bonus points, give me a quick run down of what you'd do³ if you suddenly swapped gender right now. You were male up until reading this sentance, BAM, you have tits.

1: I tend to be more mentally attracted to men, and physically attracted to women. The girls I usually have serious crushes on are often heavily into some kind of genderfuck already, and tend to, if not list as male, have characteristics and interests that are more stereotypically male. (technical theatre, geekery, gaming). Therefore, the concept of a male mind in a female body² equals a happy Kat.

2: Well, I mean, kindof. I do know an awful lot of pre and post op/testosterone female to male transboys. I really really don't want anyone to be unhappy in their own skin.

3: I mean, after the four hours in the bathroom figuring out how everything works and playing squish.

You know, I normally make it policy not to support anyone taking over the world besides me and Veronica.

But when I get offered a position on the committee against feminism in order to decide what constitutes the dress code for attractive females...really, I can't in all sincerity argue with that. Godspeed, my friend.

***

In other news, it's weird to regularly talk to someone who doesn't have an elljay...and it's weird to say that and realize it's true. (With the exception of some of the college kids (hi Ria, hi Bethity-Beth, hi Lezzie-Beth), pretty much everyone I hang with has a livejournal, and certainly everyone I hang out with online.)

'sespecially weird because I can't keep track of whether or not he's reading any given entry...usually, I just assume a reading level based on how often you leave comments (and a couple other factors...I know there are some of you that read everything and don't leave comments) but I'm terrible at remembering what entries get referenced in conversation and the like.

So, uhm, yeah. Hi JoshZed, if you're reading this.

~Sor
MOOP!

Poll answers are screened (ie, only I can see who voted for what) Comments are not (Anyone can see those!)

[Poll #1129507]

'kay, you may return to your ordinary business now. Please don't blast me too hard for forgetting your specific sexuality. :P

~Sor
MOOP!

Profile

Katarina Whimsy

May 2025

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
				1	2	3
4	5	6	7	8	9	10
11	12	13	14	15	16	17
18	19	20	21	22	23	24
25	26	27	28	29	30	31

Syndicate

Page Summary

Active Entries

Style Credit

Style: Atomic Orange for Funky Circles by ninetydegrees
Resources: Stuck in Tokyo

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags

Page generated May. 23rd, 2025 04:59 am

MOOP!

The Rantings of a Terminal Optimist

Entries tagged with sexuality

(no subject)

(no subject)

Day of Silence

(no subject)

In which Sor accepts that she is turning into a feminist, isn't she?

This digressed quickly.

I leave you to draw your own conclusions.

On Hair, and loving my body

The Penultimate Waltz

My weekend!

(no subject)

X Years Ago Today

(no subject)

X Years Ago Today

X Years Ago Today

X Years Ago Today

X Years Ago Today

On Erik, and other things

(no subject)

Poll: relationships and stuff like that

Profile

May 2025

Syndicate

Most Popular Tags

Page Summary

Active Entries

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags