MOOP!

This is a crazy-on-main post. It's about being Multiple, and the other people who live in here, who I don't talk about all that much. I don't really explain any of it, and I don't think I'm likely to, but you could always try a direct question if you need to know.

(Mostly this entry is just for my own archive. I should do that more)

( Music. )

~Sor
MOOP!

I went thrift-storing today!

I didn't get all that much --a really nice vest though, that I think will match my light striped steampunk pants quite well. It occurred to me as I was looking through things that there is a principle of fashion that I've never really cemented in my head before now.

Namely, if everything in your wardrobe matches everything else, you're set for life.

Figuring this out (which I'm honestly sure I'd known before, but this was the first time I really "got" it) is probably one of those painfully obvious things that everyone else knows, but it's nice to have it as an actual rule. And it's not like I wasn't aware of it, at least on a subconscious level --if you look at my steampunk stuff, you'll find that it's all earth tones --brown and khaki and army green, mostly, with a couple Soviet-red or rust-red pieces thrown in. My garb follows similar patterns --three green corsets, one red, two black¹.

Now, extending this idea, I can start to create patterns for certain looks. For instance, thus far my Regency/gentleman's formalwear has a lot of blue in it. Dark blue tailcoat², which means I wear it with dark blue hose and a navy blue vest³. While I don't have blue ribbons for my hair, or blue laces for my shoes, they're on the list --as is a blue feather to put in my tricorn⁴.

The only other costuming I've got where I'm trying to accumulate considerable amounts of pieces for --not just one outfit's worth, but maybe someday enough to wear something different to every event in that genre-- is my pirate stuff I suppose, which is all black and red. Or, if I'm dipping into the steampunk stuff and garb, green and brown. I'm okay with that.

But that does lead itself to a conclusion, namely, should I keep doing this when I find other genres worth costuming for. Among other things, Jane Austen's Fight Club may actually be enough to make me interested in procuring some amount of Regency ladieswear sometime. Now, I could go with pale blue, which would be partly to properly cosplay Fanny from JAFC but mostly to see if it can go properly with my gentleman's wear. But there's a certain amount to which I consider Regency era clothes to be partly the province of my denizens --my tailcoat is almost perfectly Gabriel's shade of blue, which means that the feminine Regency garments should be shaded in Alis's particular red.

(of course, that leads itself too easily to pastel pink, and while I'm very secure in both my masculinity and my femininity, I just don't particularly care for pink, especially light shades, and especially *anything* which could be called "dusty rose".

Unless we're talking this Caddy, at which point I am completely secure enough in both my masculinity and my femininity to say I WANT. I have no idea where I'd put it, and I suspect that a car, like virtually everything else I own, should be built to withstand an awful lot of dirt and damage, but it's so pretty.)

So yes. I suppose if I was really good at this, I'd go and figure out what colour(s) I look good in, as opposed to just picking my wardrobe based on the cute cheap things at the thrift store that fall into the categories of "colours I like"⁵. For the meantime though, I'm enjoying the fact that, even though I'm not actively looking for anything at the thrift stores I visit⁶, I now have categories of things that should catch my eye more than others.

Or I can continue to just find every vest in the store and curse the fates for making me too small for any of them.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I have three garb corsets, all reversible.
2: This is practically my favourite thing I own, I *swear*.
3: Okay, sometimes I wear it with a salmon pink vest. Since I have a salmon pink vest that's exactly the same as my navy blue vest except for colour. I love both of them more than is reasonable. I almost obsessively love vests, shh, don't tell anyone.
4: If I'm going to be not period, I want to be not period in *style*.
5: For instance, I could look *gorgeous* in deep dark purple. But I hardly ever wear it, which is disappointing, really, as it's a great colour. I should find out somehow! Also, I'm pretty sure I don't actually look all that great in straight up goth girl black, which is why I've been trying to add colour to my Rocky wardrobe.
6: In terms of both cosplay and just generic stuff. I finished my Daria outfit last spring, and it's totally throwing me for a loop --I don't know what to look for anymore.

So, the other day I was going through old 750words posts and stuff, and pulled out a bunch of things that I thought were worth saying in public.

A lot of them are kinda depressing, because I think words often flow better when they've got a pinch of melancholic to them. But here. It's like a sundries post, only just with things I've written.

Author's notes are in italics

---

There is a boy.
Who likes me and other girls.
And likes me more _anyways_.

***

Being loved by someone sweet and devoted to me is nice, and I love them all for it.

But being loved by someone sweet and devoted to me over other girls is just a whole different realm of exciting. And of course, we don't actually have much of a romantic relationship at all, but still.

I've never been the girl who wins before. It's the scariest damn thing, but gods help me, I like it.

Yeah, this was really startling when I realized it for the first time, and I still kinda refuse to believe it's true.

And of course, there is no "winning" in poly (except maybe making everyone involved in your relationship scheme happy) but there's also not quite a word to express what I mean here. I am perfectly content to be right where I am in all the relationships I'm in --hence the reason I'm in them-- but sometimes it's nice to realize all a sudden that someone thinks you're special enough to set aside a girl who is clearly hotter and more interesting than you are.

---

...then it just hurts more and I am tired of it hurting _more_. Things aren't supposed to keep hurting more. Shouldn't pain level out at some point?

Yes. Yes it should. I think this particular pain might've gotten close to level for now, the problem is just that level is a lot of pain, and so I can only lock it away for so long before it rages at me again.

What, no, I'm not emo, nope.

---

I hate because the only other option is to hurt, and this hurts so bad I'm not sure I can deal.

I don't remember who or what I hate here. Very plausibly myself.

---

And really, if you don't have all your words sorted out beforehand, if you don't know what you're going to say, what's the point of trying to say it anyways? I'm a fucking writer, if I can't put a problem into words, there's probably not much of a problem in the first place.

...and even if I can put it into words, I'm a cynic, and a victim and extremely clever. If I can put it into words, I can figure out arguments against the problem until it no longer exists, or boils down to just me being a tiny idiot. And no one but me can fix me being a tiny idiot.

And this is why I am not very good at speaking up when there is something wrong in one of my relationships. If I can sort it out on my own, because I was just being silly, why would I bother my partner?

Yeah, I'm _really_ not good at this relationship thing. Anyone who says otherwise is lying.

---

And when the going gets tough, I am presented with one option -to overwhelm myself in sensation.

Tense certain muscles past any reasonable point, shut my eyes tight, or stare meditatively into something lovely, or run and run until the body runs out of energy, or most used of all, drown my internal monologue in music.

I drown myself in music all the time. Hell, let's be honest here, it's one of the most useful coping mechanisms I currently have in order to fight bottom. I get sad, I pump on the Next to Normal, or s00j, or Vienna, or whatever else I've got, and I make the sad, if not go away, at least have to struggle past the noise to actually get to me.

It's a really really nice coping mechanism. It also means that I'm going to be deaf before I turn thirty.

My made up mind was not put here for you to try and change. Cheers, s00j.

---

But the best part of today is that I've hit upon two separate things that make me incredibly _incredibly_ happy.

The first is pretty logical. Giving Blood. Me donating a pint makes me both incredibly pleased with myself, and punchy as fuck due to the light-headedness. I am okay with this state of affairs, especially if it makes me unlazy enough to go give blood more often than the twice yearly I've been doing.

Speaking of which, I'm almost eligible again. Anyone want to go to the red cross with me this weekend?

---

I am amused by Hyde, protecting me from the ghosts that lurk for hours after I read anything creepytastic, no matter how far I remove myself from the immediate.

"Don't worry dear. There is nothing in this house as scary as I. Except maybe for you."

Oh, excellently played you delightful fucker.

y'all do know who Hyde is, right? He lives in my head and gives me not terribly good advice. Because I am, say it with me folks, a little bit broken.

---

I am, for the first time in my life, willingly sitting out while actively at dance.

I just...don't feel like dancing. I'd say maybe I'm tired, except I know I've danced in physically worse shape before --and that's not even counting on the sprained ankle!

No, I just can't cope with the idea of doing more dances tonight. There is apparently a point where the pain of dance overtakes the pleasure --I know, I didn't realize it could happen either. But there is, and I've finally hit it.

***

I don't want to sob in the middle of the dance hall, in the middle of a waltz. I don't know that I could explain why if I did. I do know that I don't ever want to have to. I hate crying, I hate the pain, and I hate people giving me sympathy, because I hate being weak enough to need other people.

All I want is to just be strong enough to survive independent of outside forces. Maybe that means I need to break up with everyone, not have outside forces that affect me any longer. GO LIVE IN A CAVE AND BE A HERMIT, SOR!

I am such a whiny cunt¹. It is beyond me why anyone at all gives a damn about me in the first place. :P

Cunt explained below. No, you don't get an explanation for the rest of it. But this is a pretty common mental path --emo -> yelling at myself for being emo.

---

Dog and I get along well, and that's really really important.

I need to remember that having friends who I can bitch about the odd parts of my life to are a really crucial thing for me to have. I also need to remember how much I appreciate having friends who will slap me down when I am using inappropriate language, or otherwise being an elitist jerk. (see also, Jesse glaring at me when I used bitch. I want to give him a cookie and a hug for that alone)

Dog is awesome. I really want to hang out with him more this fall, when I'm back in Boston.

---

(I don't know how to feel about the fact that I'm using Amanda right now for a little extra bit of stability. She is a fucking idiot. But her art, when it's good...

It's good. It's the best. Right now I am angry and hurt and sad and scared. And that is the perfect mood for listening to Amanda, because she will reinforce the parts that are okay to be reinforced, and she will eradicate the parts that need to just Go Away.

I use music to blank myself out. She's really really good at that.

Hate the artist, love the art? I don't even know anymore. It is so hard to be a good person sometimes.)

Can we have an Amandadebate-free space in my journal comments? I'd appreciate that.

Yes, this is all just because I handle arguments extremely poorly, and I can't freak out and walk four miles in this state.

---

I find it telling that I've had two boys in a row who were just for sex. And I'm in love with both of them.

Sex is a bit of a misnomer --I have what the Shakers² call an "unsullied cunt", which is apparently terribly valuable and should be protected at all costs. But boys who I am into with the kissing and such, and not the romantics. And...yeah. My traitor of a heart has started to sigh wistfully, and doodle our initials together on my school notebooks.

---

The emotion involved, this is more than sex. Sex is just endorphins and dopamine. Waltzing is...joy.

So, I almost just wrote "fucking _this_" as my author's note. Which means that I just tried to emphatically agree with something I wrote. So, uh, yeah, I'm a bit of an idiot.

---

~Sor
MOOP!

1: This is not a word that I should use. It's a slur, flat and simple, and I should not use it to refer to myself (which I do, occasionally), or any other woman (which I don't.)

That being said, there are a lot of things I call myself that no one else may touch, and yes, cunt is one of them. There's a hardness to it, all edges and corners and sharp, and in some moods, the words I feel that fit best are the words that fit this hardness.

2: See also, Shakesville here, and the specific origin of the term unsullied cunt here.

Apologies for missing yesterday, I suppose. This is really only just my project, I think, so I don't know why I feel the need to offer apologies to anyone else. Still though. It's just been...a long day. Didn't get a chance to post, not really, so I'm just going to skip the ninth and go onto the tenth.

The tenth is more relevant, anyways.

One year ago today, it was 2008. And I had a bit of a panic attack. Nothing too serious --just me bailing on reality for a bit, climbing my tree, talking to the denizens¹. Being shoeless and in a t-shirt in a tree, at night, in what I think I remember being wet. All of this (including and especially the bodymisery²) is very normal for me.

Different from most every panic attack prior to that date, this was the first time I have any memory of being able to Get Help with my insanities.

I'm up there, in my tree, with Gabe just holding me --not trying to help me, not trying to sort me out, just being this presence wrapped around me in a way that no one had ever really done in the real world³. And somehow, he gave me the strength to know that I would listen to someone else, and that the only way to do that was to use that tool in my pocket and call someone.

I forget exactly what I got Magus to tell me when I called him...something along the lines of "You're a worthwhile person, okay?". And...it worked. We talked a little on the phone, and a bunch on IM. It's frightening to trust like that; I'm still not really any good at it.

But at least I'm getting better.

Oh, and Sor? You're right here:
And I have no idea why I'm telling you all this and I think I may need to go sit quietly back behind my walls for a little bit, but that's probably not the right answer except it's safer there
Only not, because walls trap people inside them

Soyes. I'm actually planning to discuss the entry from today more when I get around to making my resolutions2008 post. But damn. It's nice to know how to trust people. And it's really really nice to know that I have people who, when they ask how I'm feeling, I can say I feel shit and babble a bit and they'll comfort me and randomly and for no reason tell me I'm pretty⁶.

Take care of yourselves, y'all. And call me if you need that shoulder --I mean it.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Annnd slitting Alis's throat. Yeah. I get fucked up during panic attacks. Luckily, denizens don't die like that.

2: Bodymisery --using the world around me to inadvertently hurt myself. Letting myself be hungry or freeze my ass off. Yes, I know I should do that sort of shit, but when I'm in that sort of state, I can't bring myself to care or believe I deserve the proper human comforts I tend to love.

3: I have this thing...since I was very young, most every time I've cried, I've had this desperate want for someone to just be there to hold me and help me feel better. Of course, if I called them or in any way got them to come do such a thing, it would be tainted by the fear that I was hurting someone through my own misery, or dragging them away from something more important⁴. As such, I have *been* held like I needed when I cried, twice now even. It's mind-bogglingly amazing to realize you're living one of your fantasys.⁵

4: Yes, I know this is *really* stupid. You don't have to tell me.

5: 2008 I got to live three big ones, that I remember. Yeah. Yeah. It was an amazing year.

6: Gods, I love that. I never get tired of it, and I'll probably never stop blushing and smiling like an idiot.

I am cleaning my room because, as always, it needs it.

***

I reeeeeeeeally want my beads. *sigh*

***

Man, Cambridge is gonna make christmas shopping easy. Actually, Joie de Vivre is going to make christmas shopping easy. *lovestoreyesyes*

***

I got a LETTER yesterday! See, there's a "send me a letter" thread on the xkcd fora, and this girl seemed interesting, and so I tossed her my address and I got a LETTER! And it had a picture of a squirrel, and talked about gerbils, and SQUEE! And did I mention that it was a letter?

Alsoalso, about a week ago I got a postcard from tacnukesoul. Because my life is awesome and he is awesome and YAY!!

***

I bought CD's today. We found a small CD store that sold used CD's for two dollars each, and they had a "Presidents of the United States of America" CD. Which I desperately needed to buy, as anyone who reads STJ will attest.

I also bought a present for olderbro Josh. Yes, I'm christmas shopping already. See above notes about JdV.

***

Path: 80's dance -> "You give love a bad name" -> Dominik getting it stuck in his head -> him singing it sporadically all Friday night -> getting it stuck in MY head -> being reminded of it whenever people get it stuck in their heads -> Bon Jovi being stuck in mine, Lauren's, and Emily's heads. Bleh.

***

Yesterday: Get out of English, procrastinate a lot, begin sociology paper, chat with people online, get hella pissed at something someone says, go very slightly mad, mix anger with hate, become somewhat insane, begin listening to Epiphany (Cariou version) on repeat and singing along and actually meaning it, get yanked out of the insanity by Gabriel, become very very frightened of myself and curl up in Gabe's lap for a bit, go eat dinner in a corner of the cafeteria, check mail on a whim, find letter, stablize completely.

Or in other words, Gabriel gets a raise. Cheers, love.

***

Watched "Thank You for Smoking" yesterday, with Dominik, Mary, Mary's friend Katie, Lauren, and Emily. Totally entertaining movie. Highly entertaining to watch Dominik as he pretty much desperately wanted a cigarette the whole time.

In other news, D. won't let Mary and I braid his hair. :(

***

I have 18 buisness cards to interesting places I have gone, and one to an interesting place I have not gone. ( See! )

In the same batch of things, I also have three buisness cards (my advisor, my friend Patrick, and a guy I met at the xkcd meet), and an expired coupon for the Garment District with Magus's address on the back.

This is, of course, not counting the ten or twelve personal and buisness cards I have in my wallet. And the twenty or thirty I have in my buisness card holder thing. As collections go, I think this one is awesome.

***

Boy, I'm going to GREAT LENGTHS to not clean my room, yeah?

~Sor
MOOP!

I miss my clone. Damn her and her warm fuzzy dreams! *shakes fist*

On a similar note (related to dreams at least) I have an open letter to my subconcious.

Dear subconcious.

While I appreciate the obvious effort involved in trying to give me a BalticonDream, what the hell was up with all the snow? Also, you do know that the consuite is *connected* to the main building, right? So technically, no one would have to crawl through the snow to get there, and, as the consuite has a roof, there really shouldn't have been snow in it.

Thanks.

Luv, Kat.

P.S: I fully support Magus in spectacular* kilts though. We can have more of that, yep.

*Spectacular meaning sortof a darkish purple and blue hawaiin print utilikilt. If such a thing actually exists, I want it.

BLAH SPELLING MISTAKES!

Seriously, I made like three really stupid mistakes in typing the last paragraph. Sorcy can't spell today. :(

As for other, non dream related shtuff...uhm...I'm out. I need more dreams of guys in kilts. Or more dreams with NakedSwing in them. >> <<

*totally isn't a bad person. Much.*

ANYWAYS!

I have been spending entierly too much time cleaning my room lately, with a good amount of help from Ksatyr. It is a difficult process. I fear it may never be truly done, and currently just exists in the moving shit from point a to point b form of cleaning.

Which will work, until I have to pack. Eek!

(Unrelated note --I wonder how many of my legos I can take with me...)

Katters is a bad influence on me. Oompa, oompa, oompa. :p

Uhm. Soyeah. Tuesday I went to the Holocaust Musuem, which was...well...a museum about the Holocaust. Pretty damn depressing, but worth going to at least once.

On the plus side, me and Becky finished up the day by me forcing her to watch Blues Brothers, and her forcing me to watch a couple of episodes of Stargate (1969 and the 200th episode) which were pretty fun.

Huh. Rosi and Guil have wandered back into my head. Eh, whatever.

Moving right along...yeah, I have no more of a life. I hung out with Veronica a bunch yesterday. We played an obscene amount of Geetar Hero, and watched Robots (since it was on) and Bad Wolf/Parting of the Ways, since V had never seen it, and we were in the mood for EcclstonDoctor. Fish and Ksatyr were there as well, which partially inspired that.

Mel made Aly a cake on Wednesday night, because she's *awesome*. It's good cake, too.

I'm hella behind in reading you lot --I'm barely through the thirteenth, with all the zombies. Which, might I add, I am INCREDIBLY pissed I missed it. Grr! Argh!!

Annnnnnnd I'm out. Off to go clean up, like I'm supposed toget sucked in by the flattering words of my clone.

~Sor
MOOP!

[Poll #720738]

I had nothing to do with this. Blame Gabe!!
G: Excuse me?
>.> <.< LOOK! A DISTRACTION!!

*runs off*

~Sor
MOOP!

Original Tags: elljay, polls

Just hanging out here waiting for Flinx to show up. Stupid vampire...

So yes. Hoorah for the HCC library having computers with net acess. This makes Sor happy.

Damnit, I have to figure out how to answer Kat's newest set of questions without incriminating myself. This may be difficult.
You do have regrets, I knew it!
...No I don't. I live a no regrets lifestyle, I'm not allowed to regret decisions. Just...figure out how to fix them.
Uh-huh. And Al?
Is doing a much worse job of it then I am.

Aly sez: yay!i got so many nice and prettyful comments on my art! i drew a fighter, and a cleric too, so i will either badger kat into putting them on her account, or get one of my own! *does a happy dance and rides off into the sunset**bonks her head on the phony backdrop*
~aly!

...Heh. Is it any wonder that ILMS? (Thats I Love My Sister for you heathens)

Oh and Jarne? There will be no killing of my younger siblings. Or my adopted older ones. And by killing, I mean killing or sexing up.

WOW I'M BORED!

I'm going to go knit my scarf some now.
Oh hey, Flinx really *does* exist. Shock and AWE!

~Sor
MOOP!

P.S: Flinx is officially Americanan for Thorog. Just so you all know.

So, like I asked my middle sister this morning:

"It's 6:15. I'm up, dressed, and fed. Now what do I do until the rest of the kids come along?"

The answer turned out to be diddle around hereabouts. And now I'm spaming your flists! SPAM!!!

*sings along to Knights of the Round Table.*

Whoot, mom gave me a pedometer last night! From walking out of my room fully dressed this morning to now, it says I've got 245 steps! Only...9,955 to go!

...No, I'm not hyper AT ALL!

This is what happens when I wake up to music I wasn't expecting to wake up to. Hyde's grateful though. Any more Rocky Horror, and he quite possibly would have snapped.

H: Damn straight. It's bad enough Gabe had to go and ruin his lovely dance by setting it to Sweet Transvestite, why must you pollute my any hopes of sweet dreams by using it as a lullybye?

Hey, I used TMBG last night, 'member?

H: Thats scarcly better. If anything, it might be worse.

Hyde, you have NO taste in music.

H: I like showtunes well enough, you just don't play them enough!

Sure I do. Just not lately. So there. :p

Alright, V's here. Gotta skedaddle, kiddo's-and-STG.

~Sor
MOOP!

Original tags: tagged, loot, [REDACTED], musicals, music, v, life, greykell ir'ryc, denizens, denizens: guardians, tmbg, rhps, hyde

Sorcyress has been drawing lately.

...Wow.

I think I can honestly say that thats the first time I've ever beenn good enough to refer to myself as 'sorcyress' I NEVER do that, even though I am.

Woo!!

Sorry. Anyway, I've been drawing a lot lately, and because you happen to have the (mis)fortune of being on my friends list, I'm going to point you over to the alls of them.

So here goes:

CMRAR! The CMRAR are for protecting my Big Orange Notebook of Doom, amoung other things. They will protect here, too
Broken Dreams. This one was drawn after MOOP! was blown up. I believe thats all I need to say about it.
Jakob. Jake is a Kilt-wearing bastard! I love him, he's a great charecter.
The Lounge. As in, where Gabe, Al, Hyde, and Zaph live. And me. It's a great picture. Spiral Staircases suck.
Cara. Another charecter, and a fairly recent picture of her. I haven't drawn her in a looooong while.
Kitty Crawford! Drawn for Aren. It's on construction paper, hence the funny colour.
Kawa. Just a sketch of a charecter.
Mogul the Rogul! ...er...No. No explanation.
And a close up on Moguls head
Random Chick

These next four are pages from a comicy/graphic novel thing I wrote back in ninth grade. I never had any more story then this, which makes it an ideal unfinished project. I'll get there eventually.
Page One
Page Two
Page Three
Page Four

Also, Aly, my younger sister, asked me to put this up and see what comments it gleaned. She's very proud of it, so if you're only going to look at one picture, look at this one, and leave your praise. I'll make sure it gets to the kid.
Stranger the Ranger

So, thats all for now. Ta!

~Sor
MOOP!

Original Tags: art, names, denizens, denizens: guardians, alys-the-eternal, tagged, important notes, sorcy!canon, drawing, that-other-site-i've-got, pictures, links