MOOP!

Today was a good day!

(We're gonna ignore the little voice in the back of my head that is being all "great, you've had a few good days in a row, now it's all gonna go to shit and tomorrow will be part of the h e l l z o n e again. No brain. Don't do that. It's okay to just be happy where we're at right now.)

Today was a good day, and I am pleased by it, and here are some of the things I got done:

*Went to bed late and woke up late, but did get eight hours slep, which is the general goal. Had time to muck about a bit before my class-times.

*During class times, I saw three students (woo!) and had enough time to clean off/organize my desk (I have not yet figured out how 2computers1desk works, but it'll sort out eventually). Then I had enough time to catch up on all my grading for my Algebra students. Yay progress!

*Went to the RSCDS@home lesson, had a splendid time! Was pleased enough with the teacher that I sent him a nice email after, which is hopefully charming and not irritating. Also, he finished with "let's do an auld lang syne all across the world, cross those arms now" and wow did I fucking _shatter_ at that. It's interesting what it is that catches me out and reminds me "everything is wrong and it hurts so much"

*After that I ate lunch and played some Animal Crossing for a bit.

*Office Hours did not have any students show up *but* I was again work-productive (whaaaaaat) and managed to do all the grading for my Data Analysis seniors *and* submit their grades for progress reports. Those aren't due until Friday, so this is _deeply_ unprecedented.

*I actually made it to bells tonight --I've missed the last two weeks for reasons largely related to "pandemics are hard on the brain". Bells is, as always, fucking weird, but I did a successful touch of Cambridge minor (a bob at every lead end) (immediately preceded by a mostly successful plain course, in which I fucked up enough at the beginning that my brain decided very firmly it was going to do The Thing. I am glad I kept pushing through and didn't quit bells tonight despite it, I did mostly level out.)

Also rang GrandsireTrips (which I didn't think I knew? I still don't know if I know it, but the ringingroom runs slowly enough that I can fake it) and StedmanTrips (from the tenors, yes both of them! I know that's only one brain's worth of stuff and it's not actually impressive, but I'm pleased). Also spent quite a bit of time pub-chatting with various people, most of whoms voices I am _so happy_ to hear.

*Post bells was dinner (mostly eaten while listening to pubchat) and then chilling out while Ez did some Animal Crossing, and then realizing "oh hey, now is an optimal time to _actually work on Melody_ and do some stuff! So I did the absolute briefest searching on "how to import external hard drive" (first impressions: this is gonna suck, probably almost as bad as installing, *but* there's a way to just brute force the damn thing involving "use a working mac and a USB key to transfer the critical stuff")

*And then I did a bit more work with downloading A Music Software! Smammy recommended I try Quod Libet and on first pass it seems to do many of the things I am looking for. For trial reasons, I have downloaded all of my bandcamp purchases (which apparently included buying Wonders twice, NO REGRETS). This means my current library is about 515 tracks, 33% of which is s00j.

(About 20% each of Kate Nyx and Homestuck, and then the remaining 25% is "etc". I've got a W/IFS album, some Vienna Teng, some AJA, one musical, and a couple random internet things I bought at some point along the way. I am still looking forward to having access to EVERYTHING again, but this will be a good start!)

*I have also declared unto myself that I will be hanging out in Discord only on Melody, if at all possible, and not on the work computer anymore. Critically, this gives me the option of potentially trying to make a work discord account.

*Also, the "play fewer dumb phone games" strat that Jenn and I worked out yesterday has been successful for a first pass today, although it doesn't _really_ count since I didn't have any department meetings. We'll see what tomorrow brings!

I'm happy. It's been a good few days and I am happy for that, and that is a good thing, and the hell zone will happen when it happens and that will be okay too. I hope all of you are doing as well as you can. You have my love.

~Sor
MOOP!

A/N: I figure that it's worth putting half the con report in its own post, because, well, it was trivially easy to write over 2k words about one band. Anywho, all track titles and album names within this post *should* link. You're welcome.

The entire reason¹ I went to faerie fest was SJ Tucker. She was there with her band Tricky Pixie, which is made of fucking incredible musicians. Having bought all² of SJ's cds, I have been forced to spread out my "here take my money" urges and buy amazing fiddle and cello music from the rest of Tricky Pixie. OH NO. OH WOE. THIS IS TERRIBLE. *staples hand to forehead*

ANYways, pretty much the very first thing I did when I had a schedule put into my hands was figure out when and where Tricky Pixie was playing. They had three concerts, one for each day, and those became the linchpins for the entire rest of my schedule.

Now, here is a fact about SJ Tucker: I cry like a fucking waterfall when I experience her live. Not just the sad stuff. Not just the stuff I have a history with. Everything. I had weird tearing-up at the sound check. It is what it is. It is a thing to do with power and divinity and the intersection of music and prayer.

BUT

Sometime around 2005 or 6, my clone named me Sor, Demigoddess of Dance. It is a title that has only become more accurate with time. If I must confront a Goddess in her Glory, it's a hell of a lot easier to do it from the centre of my own power. So I can sit and listen to her sing and I can sob.

Or I can dance.

And just like any other time that's one of the options, it's not even really a choice. I listened to exactly one song from a sitting position (Mushroom Song) before my brain kicked in, no Sor, this is stupid, get on your fucking feet and move-cast-pray-DANCE.

(Are you cock of the walk when you're walking alone?)⁴

I danced in the sunshine and I danced in the rain and I danced in the ashes of a bonfire to avoid dancing in the mud. I did actually dance in the mud as well, and only slipped about three times. Caught myself every time too, which I find honestly shocking --I am not joking when I call this kind of dance "flail like a fool". My dance involves a lot of movement and a lot of flight and at least a little bit of Highland fling steps. None of those are exactly wise to do on a dancefloor coated with slippery river clay.

The sets were so good. ( Notables include: )

Whew. There were a few other songs in there, mostly Betsy and AJA's that I don't know as well. I danced to allllllll of them. I danced to the sound checks on Saturday and Sunday. I danced to "okay so the band is busy setting up and putting on their makeup" (although that was usually just a footing test)

And I did one thing every day that scared me⁷. Because damnit, I am a powerful creature in my own right (see aforementioned Demigoddess of Dance discussion above) and more importantly, I have *wiles* and if I can work 'em on Tailsteak so thoroughly he becomes one of my best friends, I can certainly work them in a very mild fashion on s00j such that I can talk to her without feeling like an idiot.

No, but really, it is not tenable to have people in my life who I cannot interact with. It's frustrating and annoying and that's before you get into that other part⁸. So, you know, there's striking a balance between being friendly and fangirlish/clingy, and I suspect I stayed on the correct side of it? We'll see.

I made a point of stopping by the table and having nice conversation each day. As mentioned, I got my disc of Sirens signed (yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyY!), as well as a couple of...other things *waggles eyebrows cryptically towards someone who almost certainly is not reading this*. I asked for a selfie last day of fest (and she said yes and ohmygosh and I should put that on Twitter) and wound up asking if she'd be willing to take a photo of me wearing awesome clothes on Saturday (I'll tell that story more in the proper con report.)

And she gave me a hug right away on Friday, after dancing, before I even was able to mention that I had a hug for her from K. She liked that I was dancing a lot, squee!

SJ Tucker is a genuinely kind and wonderful and magical and awesome artist. Support her music, so she can keep making it.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Okay, so, strictly speaking, 85% was s00j, 10% was general "I wanna go to a faerie fest", and a pretty person was the remaining 5%. But said pretty did not wind up going, so their percentage can be directed back towards SJ. Is all good.

2: okay, again strictly speaking, this is not entirely accurate. I haven't gotten around to buying most of her singles yet, nor the audio-book-Cat-Valente stuff, nor the soundtrack she did for Ember Days. THAT BEING SAID, I own seven of her albums legitimately (two of which I have bought twice³) and one illegitimately (Brenton bought Mythcreants back when we were dating, and we swapped digital copies like the dirty pirates we are. I will for-reals buy Mythcreants sometime soon (money willing), 'specially for all the weird Mushroom Song did to me at NYFF.

So yes, I certainly have more s00j CDs than any other artist. I mean, part of that is Vienna Teng's only put out 5 albums so far, so it's not a totally fair race, but yeah.

Also, I am still technically waiting for my copies of Wonders and Blessings to arrive in the mail, but you know the awesome thing about Bandcamp? I can download the mp3s immediately, and then the mail can take as long as it needs to get to me.

Oh, and I guess I never actually bought Sirens, it was a gift. But that's okay, I have a physical copy and now it is signnnnned!

3: She released Stolen Season in unmastered form a couple months before it actually came out. Uh, yes please! As for Mischief, she was out of physical copies at the Balticon I first heard Cheshire Kitten, so I basically gave her money and had Bethany send me a complete set of the tracks. I couldn't stand not actually having it though, so I bought a copy of the CD for myself this weekend.

4: *begins cackling* So this is a thing now. I'll have to make a tag for it or something so I can find all the other pieces.

5: Mischief is also my favourite. As is Sirens. This is acceptable to me.

6: (k). Hands up if you get the reference.

7: I mean, I'm not always sure this is great advice, but it certainly makes my life more interesting.

8: I've left enough clues, *you* figure out why it might be relevant to my life to get along well with s00j.

?: Did you notice?

Trigger warning: You know, the usual mix of depression and ferocity that I display when I talk about being a survivor of rape and emotional abuse

I spent much of yesterday trying to eloquent the relationship between s00j's music and my rape scarring¹ process. I...didn't really get anywhere. In October of 2009 or so, I wrote briefly that I had to figure out the words to say to thank her for "Go Away Godboy". It's been six years, and I don't think I'm any closer in the process.

If anything, it's worse now. Because now I have Neptune to croon too, and that does seem to be the next logical part of the musical path I've been taking (Oasis and Godboy and Are You Out There and Lucky and Lisa Carew and...²) as I fight my way through this mental mire.

I mean, goddess above, have you read the lyrics?

Time I lost, just fussing over
every little thing you asked for
let myself keep fading,
silver fishes through my skin.
Somewhere I stopped breathing
but I missed the kiss of air
I cut the waves and left you there
and ne'er returned again.

ffff.

Because that was always the problem, wasn't it? The whole point was that I was to do whatever he asked and make him happy and at least one of us would live happily ever after. But then I had to fucking go and ruin it with my petty need for air.

("Thin air's as sweet as water when your body begs to breathe.")

It doesn't really matter what we're using air as a metaphor for here. Independence, respect, freedom, the ability to live my own life and make my own decisions, just a world larger than the place I hated.

(He was so devastatingly upset that I wanted to go to Boston for college. He couldn't see that it wasn't about leaving him, it wasn't about leaving anyone, or anything, or anywhere. It was about flying to a city that feels like Home. And of course, his sadness was always my most pressing problem, gods I try so hard not to succumb to hate, but sometimes I hate that man.)

(Mom never accused me of leaving her.)

***

I believe in multiverses and I am terrified of the one where I never got into Lesley and had to stay in Maryland and he just worked his hooks deeper and deeper into me until I drowned. There is no good path where we are still together. Maybe the best case is that we have children and we just don't fight about how to raise them any more because it's not like my input was ever right.

(Maybe the best case there is the one where I've just left the world, because I know how hurt and damaged I am as me, having escaped, and the idea of being trapped for so much longer in his web of bullshit and pain and accusations is just...I can't. I couldn't. Endurance only sustains so long.)

***

And of course, s00j has to be a clever essayist as well as lyricist. In her liner notes, she says:

"Neptune" is the story of what can happen after you've drowned yourself willingly in someone else's hopes and dreams, and you find that saltwater and shadows no longer sustain you.

hahhahahahhlolsob.

It is a dangerous thing, wanting to make someone happy, and I cannot turn it off. Most people seem to recognize the potential poison and do not ask more of me than I can give. Most people give back enough that it isn't just saltwater and shadows, its proof my energy has created something real, and live, and good.

But damnit, it's been over four years since the Last Time and I have a small purple elephant patterned with jungle animals who says I never have to see him again. The process is treacle-slow, but I am getting him out of my life, piece by fucking damaged piece.

I am back where I belong.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Here's a thing I don't think I've ever made explicit: I don't generally refer to this process as "healing". To me, "healing" in the present tense implies that I will someday reach the past tense of the word. I won't. I will never be healed of this. Tears I cry and words I write can help, but they can't erase the toll trauma has taken on my mind.

Besides, the crescent mark that curves under my left shoulderblade is far and away one of my favourite features. Why should my mental scars be thought of any less fondly than the physical?

2: Oasis, Amanda Palmer, "And it isn't my fault that the barbarian raped me".
Go Away Godboy, SJ Tucker, "Hail Mary^2.1 wise and free, save me from this freak".
Are You Out There, Dar Williams, "And I will write this down and then I will not be alone again".
Lucky^2.2, Bif Naked, "How can I ever get over you, when I'd give my life for yours"
Lisa Carew, Jekyll and Hyde, "I am not the sweet young thing you're seeking Simon^2.1. Someone seventeen, obedient, and sweet. I am not the protégée to waste your time on, I'm complete."

Neptune, SJ Tucker, "And all of us who dare to lovelive are brave.

2.1: These names are struck through because they are not the names I use. If you want to know, you'll have to convince me to sing for you. Both my replacements scan, of course.

2.2: This is not a song that is about rape or abuse or trauma or anything, at least, not according to the lyrics. But o gods, the ache in it makes my heart sing. Something about it has always seemed broken to me.

Doesn't everyone read their friends page bottoms up? TW for rape and emotional abuse.

I am in a pretty serious "everything is terrible" right now space. Lots of reasons, but really, the big one is that "everything is terrible".

But you know what?

I am a stubborn-ass survivor. I am a fighter. I am too good for my brain to pull This Kind of Bullshit without lashing out wildly at it, just out of, you know, _spite_ or something.

So today, I lashed out by doing a little bit of room cleaning (mostly of the "put everything in piles to deal with later" variety) which resulted in a completely clean desktop (YES YES YES YES YES GOOD). And then, once I had my completely clean desktop (to stand on, natch), I realized I could finally put up the index card with the quote from K˚ that I made when he visited¹.

But before I did, I remembered that I had been meaning for a couple weeks to make some more cards, mostly because I've been listening to a lot of s00j lately and she sings good yes². So I sat down and did that, and then I put them all up, tucking them into the grid of the drop-ceiling and pinning them to the tiles.

That was about when I realized that I have some posters I've never found the opportunity or space to put up. And I still had all this leftover ceiling. Then after those were done, I realized that I could run ribbon through my collection of origami dodecahedrons and hang those up by my PHiZZ torii⁵. And then I realized I could take some of the insect fabric Sparr got me and hang it above my windows.

MY ROOM IS BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE LIVING IN IT.

And that's gonna go a _lot_ towards coping with the fact that "everything is terrible".

( Pictures under the cut )

My room feels less like a bedroom and more like a studio right now, and that's just about the best thing I could possibly do for my mental health, I do think.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I keep index cards on the ceiling above my bed. You can see an original collection of them here.

You don't get to know what K˚ said to me that I found so significant unless you come to visit and I let you in my room and you get in a place where you can read all the cards and you figure out which one is from him. But I have been meaning to blog about it.

2: Reference post for where the phrasing "you sing good yes" comes from. I have gotten a little better at reconciling s00j-as-person with sooj-as-singergoddess. Gosh, I mean, I even waltzed with her³ last time I ran into her (at Balticon '12). Also, it has become a little more important to my life as a whole to complete that reconciliation. For, you know, reasons.

3: I can say of my bite that it's worse than my bark.⁴

4: You wanna know why I don't do subtlety? Because this is a simple example of the way I work. No one pays enough attention to follow this thread. That's intentional, only usually it matters, so I don't draw attention to it (or even do it in the first place).

5: Toruses?

6: Dodecahedrons are powerful. Like, do not mess with them they will fuck you up powerful. Building them is a good thing, destroying them is a TERRIBLE thing, and while they can affect all aspects of life, I believe they most strongly influence travel. Hence my musing that I could unfuck the T some by building more.

Y'all miss me? I was looking back over my archive and realized I've made painfully few posts this month. This is a damn shame, and I'm gonna see what I can do about fixing it a bit.

'Cause what doesn't kill me, doesn't kill me, so fill me up for just another day!

I don't like depressing music.

This might surprise a lot of you, who I'm sure have observed the lyrics I post and tweet with a skeptical eye. How is "freedom is being alone, I fear liberation" not depressing, for instance. And do you really expect us to think you don't like depressing music given how often you use music to sob?

I do use music to sob. I use music to sob out the last of the pain and force it away from my head so I'm empty. It's a hell of a lot easier to reach stability from empty than from anywhere else. Music doesn't make me sad. It makes me stable.

And so the music I really like, when I'm in one of Those Moods? It's not sad music. I skip the slit-your-wrists emo and goth in exhange for music that puts me into an entirely different mood.

I like music that makes me hopeful. "Go Away Godboy" is a song about telling the bad things to sod off. "Oasis"¹ is about how much life sucks, so might as well dwell on the positive. "Whatever You Want" is a song of taking power back.

And Next to Normal?

Every song I regularly listen to out of Next to Normal is a hopeful song. The whole musical is tinted by the pain and frustration and misery exhibited by every member of the family. And the songs I like? Are about fighting back, against your family, against your insanity, against your fear, and against your whole damn potential of inexistence.

This is music that goes straight past eleven into the category of howling along at the top of my lungs, and laughing maniacally as I do so. In chronological order, "Just Another Day", "Everything Else", "You Don't Know", "I Am The One", "I'm Alive", "I've Been", "Didn't I See This Movie?"², "I'm Alive (reprise)" "The Break", "Maybe (Next to Normal)", "I Am The One (reprise)", and "Light" are all songs I can no longer listen to at a normal volume, because they are just so good at drowning out my internal monologue when sung along with.

It's not all the songs from the show that I have starred, but it's all the ones I have starred for a reason other than just being clever with the lyrics or musically fun. And you have no idea how hard it is not to toss in lyrics from every song I mentioned. No idea, because this musical is Just That Good.

So no, I don't listen to sad music. Why bother? Sad music would just reinforce the mood. I don't want to reinforce moods when I fight bottom. I want to break them.

And you find some way to survive. And you find out you don't have to be happy at all, to be happy you're alive.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: (pre-note: Do not be with the Amanda wank in my comments. I'm still not sure I'm recovered from the last batch. There are plenty of other places to discuss her and the issues surrounding her right now.) It does not matter what else wank Amanda brings to the world, for this song, I will always have at least a little bit of respect for her. Hell, if she gets bad enough, I will rerecord this song myself, because it is a perfect microcosm of how I feel about all the doom and gloom in my world.

After all, I've seen better days but I don't care, oh I just got a letter in the mail, Oasis sent a photograph, it's autographed and everything, Melissa's gonna wet herself I *swear!*

(I really really like faking it like a giggly giddy typical teen girl. I have scared people with my like totally valley cheerleader voice OMG! It pleases me that Amanda does this at least a little bit too --hide the pain behind enough snark, and maybe people will never realize you're in pain in the first place.)

2: Curses, I missed a chance to quote swatches of this one in every day conversation. Yes, because sometimes my life is just that fantastic and weird.