MOOP!

Trigger warning: Emotional abuse, possibly touching on sexual abuse.

So, I was once in an emotionally abusive relationship, and it sucked.

One of the things that would happen was that I would upset them, and to make up for it, I would post loving things publicly on the internet. I would declare my love, to them or the world! Because it would make them feel better, it would make them understand that I really did love them, and I didn't mean to hurt them, and I'm very very sorry and I won't fuck up again, and please stop crying, and why am I so awful?

Seriously. If you're in an abusive relationship, do what you can to get the fuck out. I will help.

Now, the emotionally abusive part of the relationship lasted much longer than the relationship did, and so there was this one time when they decided to blackmail me. Either I would friends lock my entire livejournal and remove them from my friendslist (Note: They had already removed *me* from their friendslist --if they wanted to read my journal, they had to _go to the page themselves._ Apparently they weren't capable of not going to my page.) so they wouldn't see any posts about my new relationships, OR, they would tell mom that they and I had been doing some version of fucking.

I did the logical thing, and told mom that they and I had been doing some version of fucking. And that I was telling her specifically so I couldn't be blackmailed with it. I was very angry. Mom was far more understanding than I deserve sometimes.

I already hadn't really been talking about my relationships in my livejournal, because that seemed to be the sort of thing that would cause more drama. But this cemented it --despite not wanting them to control me, I even less wanted them to know that I was dating both the people they had accused me of cheating¹ on them with. We were trying to be friends, you understand. I didn't want to hurt them any farther, after already damaging them so much. I am an awful person, you see. Cruel. Incapable of true love. A prude, and because of this, no one would ever want to date me.

1: I believe the closest I have ever come to cheating was when I said something offhand to one of my boys about another, and the first boy expressed confusion/shock in that he hadn't realized me and the latter were as intimate/involved as we were. I then explained the nature of the relationship, and it was all good. Also, that was not with the abusive ex.)

And so it was well over a year before I ever admitted in even the most casual sense that I had a new partner. And I never really put out a lot of squee, and in the time since, I've still not really put out a lot of squee about my partners. Lots of that is just from being older and more mature and not needing to be "OMGEE!" all the time like a giddy high schooler, but some of it is the lessons I have learned. You don't write about the people you are in love with --not just that. You don't do it because it will hurt other people². You don't do it because it will hurt yourself, later, when you find the references. You don't do it because there is the memory of discomfort, of being forced, and you do not want anything to cross your brain that feels so slimy-wrong.

2: And admittedly, this is still a thing I worry about --if I post squee about one of my partners, must I then post squee about all the others? No. No, that is not how I want my relationships to be. If my loves cannot accept that I still love them, even when I am head-over-heels squeeing over a different love, then that is a problem, and something they and I should work on. So know the rest of you, that I mean no offense with this post, and that I still find you worth adoring.

But there's two ways to keep my brain from feeling slimy-wrong. One of them is to never ever be triggered again, by anything, and that's impossible. The other is to scar over the mental wounds. Wrap them in better memories, in better recollections. When I am triggered, I want to remember not what that one awful person did to me, but what all the lovely people who make me feel safe and special have done since.

So have something I do not do very often: A public, explicit(for I speak often in crypticism and generalities) declaration of love.

Sparr has moved to Boston. To be with me. And it will be weird and strange, and take work and practise and balancing. We will have to find what the right distance is to hold our introvert selves sane, while still being able to be together in a way that I've never had, not really.

I can't stop smiling.

I am in love. And he is in love, and we are in love. And while I've never believed in forever, not even at my youngest and most romantic, this is really good, and has only gotten better in the two years we've been together.

Everything is changing. I love you, Sparr mein leibling, and I look forward to what happens next.

I am no longer in abusive relationships. Things seem better this way.

~Sor
MOOP!

Bi-directional trigger warnings are in this season: Emotional abuse, possibly touching on sexual abuse.

A bunch of years ago, I had a summer where multiple people admitted to being into me, which was both awesome and more than a bit "what?" But the end result was that I made a comment-screened post on the subject, asking "why?!"

((Sometimes I am unabashed in my need for ego-boosting))

A couple weeks ago, I was having a conversation with a friend in which they mentioned "I have no idea what boys see in you"¹. Because I am the queen of insidiously low self-esteem, my response was the highly rational and very helpful "I don't know either."

It triggered thought though, and so I've spent spare brainwaves from the last few weeks trying to sort out just what it is exactly that makes me That Girl. It remains a very true observation that I am --people, especially boys, like me. I can't help this, nor do I particularly want to, really.

The callous and to my mind logical first thought of "they like me because I put out" is presumably untrue, since as far as I can tell, nothing about my public persona indicates that I do so for strangers, and it's not like I have sex particularly indiscriminately, or really, much at all. Everyone I've shared a bed with over the last four years was a friend first, which means that they liked me *before* we got naked. Furthermore, I have male friends who would probably be quite willing to get sexy with me, but we specifically haven't, and they still find me worth hanging out with. So, whatever it is, it's not the sex thing.

The theory that I've been working on that I feel has the most weight to it is closely related to an essay that was posted on Polyamorous Misanthrope, and brought to my attention by Gabity-Gabe. The essay is about a boy who is extremely well liked by women, and posits that the reason he is so well-liked is because he genuinely enjoys the company of and platonic interaction with women. He doesn't just talk to women in the hopes of pussy, but because of the actual person around it.

Pretty much my whole life, I have had close male friends, often more so than female ones. This is because I really quite like males. I could not tell you what particular quality that leads me to enjoy male company more than female, but there must be some reason that makes it easier for me to make friends with other boys² than with other girls². I really do honestly enjoy the company of males, even when I'm not expecting to sleep with them.

This idea is strengthened by a theory I've had for a good long time now --namely, that someone being attracted to you is a *deeply* attractive trait. So, using that, we get the idea that my enjoying the company of males is something that they enjoy, and makes them more likely to enjoy the company of me.

Going even deeper with the above thought, we reach the idea that I am, for whatever degree of intensity or intimacy, attracted to a noticeable percentage of humanity. I fall just a little bit in love every other time I get on the subway. While I have definite physical types I prefer, none of them matter in the presence of an honest smile. If you're reading these words, I am probably attracted to you, at least a little bit, because you are human and alive and I find that absolutely fascinating. Humanity is beautiful, and each individual uniquely so.³

I've got a few other ideas as to what it is my boys see in me as well (and I haven't even engaged in the highly scientific response of just asking them and seeing if there are any common patterns) but I think that the fact that I really like boys, for who they are, is a pretty good start.

And now I open it up to you guys. What is it that people see in That Person that makes them so bloody attractive? Why do certain people just attract everyone and manage to get all the dates?

And sure, let's be egotistical here. What is it about me specifically that's just so damn attractive? Because I *still* don't see it.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: This made sense in context
2: My mind *insisted* that this wording was correct, and I can't really say I disagree with it.
3: Man, I am such a hippie some days. But it's true!

So, there's this pretty cool thing called 750words, that I am trying to use as much as possible, because YAY WRITING!

But one of the results is that it starts to lead to partial writings. So I have a bunch of beginnings of things in my notes from the last week. And then rm posts the "Work in Progress" meme, in which you post snippets from works in progress. Author's notes are, as always, in italics

( Sure, why the hell not! (warning, a couple of these are text-porn, and use dirty words) )

What are you currently working on? What do you think I ought to work on in a more organized manner, so you can actually read it?

~Sor
MOOP!

So, it's free comic books day! To celebrate, I hit up three different comic shops, and wound up walking out with a total of eighteen free comics, the first issue of Ellis's Ignition City, and this:



liesguhvinonkl fdjhgpebklmfpsm

SO HAPPY I HAVE BEEN RENDERED INCOHERENT!

Dear Million Year Picnic. You have all my love forever.

~Sor
MOOP!

Original Tags: photos, shops, tagged, middleman, comics, loot

First off, I would just like to say that having new TMBG on my playlist is a lovely thing. So far, my favorites from the Venue Song tsey-day are Minnianapolis, Los Angelas, and Dallas.

Secondly, They Might Be Giants!!

Oh
My
Mother-frisking
GOD!

It was AMAZING! It was way way WAY fun, and wonderful, and WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Even if my girlfriend couldn't go. *sniffles*

Songs of note that they played:
Alphabet of Nations! (I really really really need Here Come the ABC's)
We want a Rock (Most...addictive...song...EVER! Go read Chrome Circle, and it will all be understood.
In other news, I really want to get John and John to sign my copy of that particular book, on the right page and everything. It'd be killer cool.)
Istanbul Which is most notable because it's probably one of the most well known song they've ever done. And I got to play the version I've got for Kagan, acause he's from Turkey and whatnot, and GOD is he brilliant. I am completely bummed out by his inevitable, SOON dissapearence. The world needs more (MANY more) guys my age who can dance.
And now you're even older *smirks at mek, but is far too lazy to go rifeling through the archives of his journey to find the reference.*
AND
Birdhouse in your Soul

Z'OHMYGODS I HAVE GOTTEN TO HEAR MY FAVORITE TMBG SONG EVER, LIVE!!!!!!

...

*takes deep breaths*

Right. THAT was COOL!

And I have a shirt! It is pink, and for their 20 year-ness! I lurves it, and it will probably shrink and become crazy-tight once it's been washed. So...yeah. Sor has another girl-shirt.

And OHFREAKYESWOW! Due to anigma_i's sheer awesomeness, I wound up in the VERY FREAKING FRONT of the place!! I was THREE FEET AWAY FROM JOHN AND JOHN THE WHOLE TIME!!!

And there was much dancing, of a similar variety to prom. The music was near infinitely better though.

...

I would KILL to have TMBG play my senior prom. I'm serious. Anybody need someone wacked? I'm a techie -I've had practise!

So yes. Heisman/my weekend reports later.

~Sor
MOOP!

Original Tags: tmbg, life

Ok, I know, I know. I said I wouldn't update until I could do it right (On Dmitri, in my OWN ROOM!!) But it's mothers day. And my mom is just so incredibly supercoolawesometastic, she just inspires me to break the rules.

So, here you go mom:
( 101 reasons why my mother is super-cool-awesome-tastic and one hoopy frood: )

I LOVE YOU MOM!!!!!!

~Kat

MOOP!

Original Tags: greykell ir'ryc, love, tagged, egoboosts, holidays

Oddly enough. I'm sure some of you knew this since you have the tendancy to see me fairly often, but I'm inept at keeping in touch at best, so...

Anyway, I'm alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic...I mean...I'm alive. Yeah. [mutters under breath]Darn girl scout camp[/mutter]

Hi! How have you been? Since I last updated, I've had a weekend, a day camp, and an Origins. I'm currently writing the reports, I will hopefully get them up eventually.

Notes 'n things:

~Marc looks a LOT like Orlando Bloom, except he's much cuter since he's got this great long hair, and he games which automatically makes him loads cuter then any movie star.

More movie stars should game.

~ALL HAIL KING TORG!!

~We never did manage to get Matt into the straitjacket...

~"Even though it's a straitjacket, I don't think it'll make me straight." GREAT quote from Adam.

~Yury has been at my house pretty much continuously since Friday. This makes Shan happy since Yury brought his PS2 with him. I think he's planning on moving in.

~PURPLE!!

~Origins was, as always, absolutely mad cool in every way shape and form.

~Wolf is a wonderful person

~As is Kawa

~And Fishy. Both of them, but I'm specifically talking about the angelic one. (Belive it or not, thats not you Saber.)

~I'm running out of things to say.

Thats all for now I guess.

~Sorceress/Kat

MOOP!

Original Tags: rlife, fish, magus, references, wolf, quotes, conventions, illchester

DON'T give me pity, DON'T give me sympathy, DON'T give me any of that crap.

I quite litterally cried until I felt sick today. I REFUSE to deal with this goddamm life, and I am MORE then willing right now to snap at anyone who pisses me off in even the slightest.

And no, I would not like to talk about it, I already did, with someone who I CAN talk to, unlike so many of you, he knows who he is and I both thank him and reward him with a magic cookie. He should have five by now, if he doesn't, then I shall have to remeday that situation.

Like I said. I don't want to talk about it. Lets just say that I am sick and tierd of people being stupid and pushing my buttons.

And yes, I am human. I DO get mad at times. This is one of them.

So, everyone, consider this your first and final warning. Don't screw around with me. Rohan already fails.

~Sorceress/Kat

MOOP!

Original Tags rants, tagged, emo, cryptic, tears, cloneconvo, emoemoemo, selfhate

NTS: TW abusive ex, in the comments. <3, futureKat

***

I've changed a lot. In the past months, the past year, the past decade.

I've been alive almost a decade and a half haven't I. God thats a scary thought.

But I've changed a lot. Especially in the past year, the past two years, the past three or four years.

Sixth grade I was a total fuck-up. I was incredibly depressed, I was pretty sure everyone hated me, and I hated my life with a screaming passion. I thought about suicide a lot. My diary from the time...scary. As scary as it's ever been for me.

Seventh grade I had pretty much stabled out. I was doing better with my life, and I began to turn into myself.

Eighth grade, I was...me. I was cheerful and perky. I had just began to get into the internet in the second half of eight grade, and I was...unlike I am now. I have all of two diary entries from when I was in seventh, both pointless, and one from eighth. I was much more romantic back then.

Ninth grade I started as a screwball. I had become much more vulgar, and much more of an internet nerd. And I was very vulgar. I figured this out in October, adn I began to force-change myself. Veronica blames Sluggy.net, and yes...they have changed me. But in a good way. Not bad. I changed into a hopeless romantic. And I began to write in my diary again. I filled half my diary in three or four months, mostly mooning over guys. And talking to RAKA. I'm not sure when they appeared, but they did, and I talked to them. They talked back.

But I've lost them now. I'm not sure I care though. They just left me, peacefully. leaving me alone in my head in teh first time for a while. And their leaving...changed me.

They left when I became independent. When I became someone who could stand on her own feet, deal with her own mind, and was...practical. Realistic. Different.

Instead of gentle arguing, I philisophise. And I use this as my diary now. Granted, I have a new one, but it's not my diary. This is. My Livejournal. It's an open diary for anyone to read, but I don't care. I have nothing left to hide anymore.

Crushes? I haven't got one. I have no romantic love in my heart.

Secrets? What secrets? I'm open about most things. And the rest...are things I wouldn't write in a diary anyway, no matter how protected.

Emotions? I try to avoid writing in anger, or hatred, or fear. Negitivity. I've always locked my emotions. There are signs of course. If I start crying over something that would normally just be a small annoyance, you can tell theres something going on. And when I walk...if I'm running my nails along the wall, I'm probably not particularily happy at the moment.

I've changed a lot, like I said. I've become more cynical. More realistic. And much more anti-social. Sure, I like parties, and seeing my friends and hanging out. But only to an extent.

I've been trying to make it so my emotional stability rests on my sholders and mine alone. Too often recently it's seemed that I can be happy if I see ______ or my day will get better once I talk to ______. I don't like that though. It makes me too vernurable.

I think I'm finally getting to be someone I like again. For too long I wasn't. And that was bad.

I dunno. *sighs*

~Sorceress/Kat

MOOP!

Original Tags: unofficialxyears, i-write-good-shit: personal, sluggy.net, v, growing up, tagged, thoughtstream, nosce te ipsum, rlife, denizens, sorcy-is-pretentious
or
sluggy.net, raka, therapywarning, selfhate, read-the-sorkin-manual, retrospective

This is a lovely TNA-ish thing I wrote.

Alternitivly: This is something about the dance concert.

( Read more... )

This is a meme I stole from Anne:
( Read more... )


Original Tags: cloneconvo-fin, tagged, writings, memage, unfiled people-lrhs, tech, memage-assorted