sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
I just ended my eight-year relationship with Sparr.

He did not do anything I would deem abusive, I consider him safe to date and interact with and will be attempting to stay his friend, if that's something we can do.

I don't want to talk about it any more than that right now.

sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
He called me a palimpsest
As he put his own marks over the traces of bruises
Left on my breast
By another boyfriend, on another day.

And I smile and tilt my head and ask
(because I was sure I knew the word, until I was asked to define it)
"What's that?"

A new document written on top of an old.
Like teeth marks and welts
Bright red on fading purple-green.
Like kisses on lips
That yesterday kissed another.
Like a love that doesn't go away
Just because I've loved before
And doesn't erase the feelings I have for him or him or them or her.

And I am a palimpsest
I am so many layers of so many stories
Built on my skin, a stack of memories
of touch
and caress
and bite
and kiss
Each their own moment.
Their own gift to my body.

A new document written on top of an old.
Not erasing

And I know I am loved.
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
At GenCon, I was summing up the job search thusly:

18 applications
4 interviews
1 second interview

This summer was way more frustrating about teaching jobs than it has been in the past, in no small part because I really truly was doing an awesome job of applying places. I thought I was doing relatively well at interviewing. Maybe my references weren't as good as they could be, but in general, I was really putting myself out there and trying...and still getting nothing.

On Wednesday the 23rd of August, I got a call --would you be willing to come in?
On Thursday the 24th of August, I had an interview.
On Friday the 25th of August, I got a call.

On Monday the 28th of August, my perfect birthday, I woke up unbearably early and biked to school. Monday and Tuesday were teacher days, Wednesday was the first day with students. It's now partway through the fourth week of school, and I have finally gotten the HR bullshit sorted out and a paycheck into my bank account and that means it's really truly officially real.

I am a professional high school mathematics teacher.

For the whole year, from the beginning. At a public high school, with all the diversity and benefits that implies. With five classes and about eighty students (a frankly amazing average ratio) and oh my _dear sweet weeping gods_.

I am fully, blessedly, employed, in a place I love, doing exactly the thing I want to be doing with my life. Yes, it's frustrating that all my work searching this summer was for naught, but I can forgive the universe its machinations.

I've been sitting tight on announcing this until it was real, and it's been killing me. No matter how much I will complain over the next ten months about the early mornings and endless prep work, I am so so unbelievably very happy.

On Monday, August 28th, I celebrated my perfect birthday by starting at my perfect job.


FAQs: No I won't tell you where specifically online. Algebra 1, Discrete Math, and Calculus. Some 9th graders, mostly 12th graders. Yes the commute sucks less than the private school one. Yes the pay is better --I'm making a bit over $50k this year. Yes, I am so so so so happy.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So here's a thing.

Back near the start of June, Captain Awkward1 posted a link to the Ingrid Michaelson video "Girls Chase Boys". I'd seen it before, but not in a while, so hell yeah it was time for a rewatch.

And somewhere in the thirty or fifty rewatches I've done this summer, I came to a really striking realization about my sexuality. I feel queer2 or straight entirely independent of the gender of the person I am being attracted towards.

Like, this is probably a pretty logical end result of not having a gender myself. I can't be a lesbian if I'm not a woman3, but I'm also not able to be het with a woman if I'm not a man. Bisexual has served me fine as a term for years now (and queer even moreso). I am content and secure in my attractions4.

But it was a weird moment of clarity when I realized that the attraction I feel for the men in that video is decidedly queer attraction. And weirder still to realize that I can, and often do, feel straight attraction towards men. And continually weird to realize that my attraction towards women can be either queer or straight as well. Like, these are two markedly different feelings for me, apparently. They both have the same root (I want to get romantic and-or sexual with this person because I am aesthetically or otherwise pleased by them) but they feel different.

After some soul-searching5, I determined that a big part of what makes me feel queer vs straight attraction is whether the person I am attracted to is giving out queer vs straight signals. These can be either gender-queer or sexuality-queer, but apparently I save my straight attraction for the hets.

I don't know what to do with all this information. Hell, I don't even know if it's useful information to have, or if the back of my brain has latent transphobia in this regard (many of the attractive trans women I know are some variation of enby, almost all of them are sexuality-queer --I don't tend to feel straight attraction to people who I don't perceive as relatively straight, but would I automatically feel queer attraction to any trans woman, even a straight one?)

But it's a thing my brain is doing, and I like paying attention to those.


1: Captain Awkward is probably the single best advice blog on the internet, and I highly recommend pawing through her archives occasionally. She is better at teaching people how to be adults than just about anyone else, and I try very very hard to behave as would make her happy.

2: "Gay" would also be accurate here, but I very much prefer queer.


4: This is absolutely not true, I'm into a lot of straight men for an enby. The fact that I'm demonstrably more androsexual than gynosexual freaks me out on the regular, because boy howdy, is it hard to actually be "bisexual". But for the sake of this post, let's pretend I feel not-weird about myself.

5: Translation: Looking at a lot of different attractive people for science.
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
Somewhere in the first few weeks of third grade, a girl came up to weird, eight year old, me. (1/9)

"Did you know?!" she began, in that enthusiastic way third graders do "That my dad and your mom were friends in college?!?!?!?!?!!???" (2/9)

I did not know. Mom didn't either. She had lost track of her good ol' brother, and hadn't realized he had been living eight house away (3/9)


Somewhere in the first few weeks of third grade, that same girl and I found out that our birthdays were three! days! apart!!!!! (4/9)

More importantly, we found out that neither of us'd had a birthday party yet that year. Obviously, this needed to be fixed. Together. (5/9)


Somewhere in the first few weeks of third grade, she and I played together for the first time. Had our first sleepover. (6/9)

Introduced our siblings and our parents. Became friends. Became cousins. Became sisters. (7/9)


Somewhere in the first few weeks of twenty years ago, I met my best friend. (8/9)

I love you, Veronica. (9/9)

sorcyress: checklist of "bisexual kinky polyamorous horny" and ending with "and I'm still not sleeping with you" (bipolyhorny)
About three years ago, give or take a month, Sparr moved away from Boston. At that point, we'd been living together for about a year, and staying in each other's beds1 probably...three quarters of the nights?

So it's been three years, give or take a month, since I had the particular relationship dynamic of sharing a bed more often than not. Everything since then's been feast or famine --long stretches of sleeping alone2 interrupted by having a partner in town for a sudden enjoyable week or two.

("Don't you have a boyfriend in Boston, Kat?" Well yes, Terrapin lives less than ten miles away. But he is married (happily!) to an exceptional woman, and the way our dynamics run, he stays with her most nights. We average about twice a month, and it's awesome, but not what I'm really talking about here.)

I can handle sleeping alone, I really can. I mean, my entire life has been a run towards independence (towards freedom)3, and being able to be happy with myself alone4 is no small part of that.

But I have kissed the same boy at least once every day this past week. I've stayed in his bed and he's stayed in mine (and who knows what'll happen tomorrow). Twice this week, I've woken up alongside a pretty smile and a long lithe body and gotten to tuck them back to bed as I head off to work.

For the first time in three years, I might5 become entangled with someone who I can wake up next to on the regular and oh my _gods_ have I missed it6. I am a feral creature, yes, but I also crave touch7 like water, and waking up in someone else's arms is exquisite.

My life is unfairly exceptionally good right now. I hope I can make it continue.


1: I shared a bedroom for four years of my life in college, and never anytime else. I strongly believe that every person deserves a space of their own, that they can decorate and clutter and have. When poly, this often translates to separate bedrooms, but for god's sakes, at least an office or a sewing room or a workshop or a loft?

(I recognize that the world sucks in multiple directions that make this largely impossible, because fuck you capitalism. I still think everyone should have this.)

2: I mean, I have put exceptional work into having a Fucking Amazing set-up for sleeping alone. Heated blanket under the sheets, weighted blanket above them, and many pillows and other blankets. My bed is awesome and I love it. I genuinely sleep warm all winter long, and that is the _best_.

3: Access to blank pages and no one to judge you for what you put on them, a bicycle and no one to worry if you're home late, a room of one's own where you can shut the door and crank the music and put whatever the hell you want on the walls.

The ability to love who I want, when I want, and largely how I want3a, on terms dictated only by the two of us and no one else.

3a: The flipside of freedom is security, and I am not willing to sacrifice the goodwill of my other partners to truly do Whatever The Hell I Want. Mostly it's risk factors about disease transmission, if you're polyish, you probably know the drill.

4: This is an interesting word to consider, because I have been dating at least one person since the start of January 2008...and at least two people since the end of January 2008. Not necessarily the same people (well, mek), but I've had at *least* two partners for almost ten years now. Often more. I have spent a grand total of 31 days as a single legal adult4a.

I assume I'd be able to be good alone? But I'm not exactly desperate to break it all off and try to be actually single for a change.

4a: Hm, and I think I spent several of them sharing a bed with someone lovely, SO LIKE YEEEEAHHH okay.

5: WORDS MATTER. WRITING THINGS MAKES THEM REAL IN WEIRD WAYS. Or in other words, I can't write that he's my partner without that being confirmed, because I don't want to change the truth of the world without having that conversation with him first.

6: The small things you never forget, like an eyes-still-closed Magus smiling when I bend to kiss him goodbye in the morning.

7: Well, I mean, this is complicated. But if you are a person I actively want to touch, I probably want to be touching you more often than not. I mean, like, I'd happily hold hands with people more often during conversations and stuff, except that's probably Weird.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Accomplishments of the day:

*I did not shop at any place where they should be having the day off. (Everywhere. That's everywhere.)

*I had a dinner picnic with my friend Val, which was very lovely! There was goat cheese and blueberries and sammiches and hummus and it was all very nice. Plus, it was probably the last chance we'll have to socialize in a mellow fashion for several months because stuff.

*Actually wrote a postcard for the postcard project. Simply put, this project reads "write a postcard every morning, damnit". I was doing well at it, then I got really bad. Also I have not sent any of these postcards yet, because I'm a bit of a numpty, really.

*Did a thing for a thing. Never you mind. I should've done more things for the thing, but it's okay. The thing has a lot of things.

*Signed up for my _very first_ grad course. Technically it's a certification course that just happens to have grad credit associated with it, but shhhh, it still kinda counts?

*Backed my damn computer up, and cleared off some small number of the files, such that I have actual space. By which I mean...ten gigs maybe?

I could have another seventy gigs if I could get a physically small (but digitally large) hard drive to keep my music on instead of the actual hard drive, but that seems...difficult.

Anywho, that's me. How's you?



Sep. 4th, 2017 02:00 pm
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
When it comes right down to it, I self-identify as a Slytherin who wishes they were good enough to be a Hufflepuff.

(This is in no small part because of how desperately I don't want to be labeled as a Gryffindor. Fearless, impulsive, unable to control myself in the name of "bravery"? That's everything bad about my ADHD, and I don't want it. Oh sure, there's a value to being able to poke at my fears, but let's be real, I don't play with my phobias because I'm *brave* I play with them because I'm manipulative, even towards myself.)

I'm not always able to realize my ambition enough to be a proper Slytherin, but goddess knows that hunger, that wanting is there in spades. Sometimes it's as simple as wanting to be better. Sometimes it's as complicated as Hugo awards and flying to space. Being cunning is too subtle for me, and purity is a worthless concept1, but the chief trait of Slytherins is to be *ambitious*.

But ambition is worthless without hard work. Without persistence. Without trying again and again and again. Without quietly building your resources and your skills and practicing in the background and in solitary rooms until you can actually do the damnéd thing.

And that's where it all hurts, because having a Slytherin's hunger without the ability to follow through feels like a hand wrapped round your heart and squeezing the joy straight out of you. It's pounding your head on walls and digging your nails into your hands because why can't you _just do the thing?!_.

It's a perpetual question: Does the sorting hat place you where you already fit, or does it place you where you want or ought to be? Do you have control over your future? Which version of yourself will be created, these seven years among like-minded folks.

I'm manipulative2. I'm resourceful. I tend to be good at people, at making them like me especially. And I want, oh do I want, if you have ever ever seen me you have seen me wanting. I'm absolutely a Slytherin.

But there's a better house out there and I wish I were good enough to be a part of it.


1: Even my precious Scottish dancing is better when it's a living, breathing, changing form. There is nothing in this world that benefits from existing in a vacuum.

2: Though ideally in ways that are obvious and consensual. If I tell you I will send you pictures of cute kittens once you clean your room, is that incentive not to your benefit?
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)

I am 28 years old. I live in the most wonderful asshole city in the world. I get to ride my bike on the regular and sometimes even walk on stilts. I dance five nights a week and it's still somehow not enough. I survived an abusive relationship and now I am dating several really kind and wonderful people. (one of them is pretty new to my life and I feel serious about him in a way I haven't in years and it's exquisite and exciting.)

I have lots of friends from lots of different social circles. I play board games, which is really fun, and sometimes I go to playgrounds. I like solving puzzles and figuring out solutions to problems. When I'm lucky, I get to eat ice cream. I like learning things I'm not good at. Juggling and Highland and maybe bells now.

I might be big-D Depressed, but I've seen my therapist four times now and I like her and we'll talk about it more as winter comes on. Even with it, even when I'm at my worst, I'm usually happy. I'm planning to live forever, or at least until I've read all the books. I won't read Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency because I want there to be at least one Douglas Adams book I've never touched (if he's written books I've never read, maybe he'll write more someday...)

I like to climb to high places. I like to move. I like to play with my body --not just in a sexy way but in exploring the patterns of movement and play of muscle and joints. I like to play with lots of things, really. I'm working on growing up and I'm very happy about it --I like being called "adult", because it sucks and has bills but also has freedom and glory to it.

I am incredibly, intimidatingly, comfortable with who and what I am.
(I am still getting better and that's wonderful.)

I am 28 years old and that number is a perfect number.

...there is one more line here that I still can't commit to text. Because writing things makes them real --I can say things verbally as much as I want and that doesn't ever lead to the same overwhelming sense of Truth as something that gets writ, especially here.

It's my birthday! Happy birthday to me.

I think I'm doing things pretty okay right now.

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I have not been good about sharing this information sufficiently with non-Facebook sources of social media, so!


Come to Davis Sq tonight and hang out with me and eat ice cream! I will be getting ice cream at like eight and ten, and just...fucking around the square chatting with people the rest of the time! Join me! If no one joins me, I will be forced to...I dunno, read books or something which'll also be pretty awesome and mellow and lovely.


If you are into _actual_ birthday ice cream, you should come to secret birthday ice cream tomorrow night after I am done with dance at like 11pm. So yeah, very late birthday ice cream, but you know, delicious anyways.


If you don't live in the area, you can STILL EAT ICE CREAM in my honor and that would be awesome! I am all for this and will put you on the master list of places, especially bonus points if you send me a selfie with your ice cream.


sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
I was reading old 750w entries from 2010, see also, the only time I've ever managed to keep a streak going for >200 days. It

I have grown some in the last seven years. 21!me is vaguely embarrassing and at times cringeworthy. But she (and there's a weird word, that it's she then and they now) is still so clearly me and awesome and growing into herself.

Because I lost the diary I kept first semester of college, it is always insanely gratifying to see that the narrative of my abusive ex is not something I've made up wholecloth. These things he did to me really did happen, and I've been processing them for years now.

(In 2010, I wasn't out as an abuse/rape survivor, but I was slowly telling people, and writing heavily filtered entries on LJ. That's a weird thing to read.)

It's sad to see some of the friends mentioned --apparently in late 2010, I was hanging out with Rackle a lot, who I haven't talked to in ages. In the blessed land of college classes and sleeping in indefinitely, I was following up squares nearly every night with visiting one of a handful of people and hanging out with them --can you imagine, not having such a curfew that you can regularly stay awake for hours *after* the end of dancing?

I obtained a bicycle, but I didn't write much about that. I obtained a sir, and I wrote a _lot_ about that, about how unbelievably happy I was with him. (Seven years later (almost, our seventh anniversary is my 28th birthday) I am still unbelievably happy with him.)

The whole point of the exercise came from me casually bragging about the older mischief levels of Squares, and how I started hexing when I was only partway through the class. Offhand, I thought I had begun being gemini in a hex at about week eight. According to my notes, apparently I started as early as week five, and I did my first solo hex (which is to say, me and 11 other people instead of 12) at week 7.

Yeah. yeah. I can't imagine now the level of self-confidence and bravado 21!self had. I mean, I am very good at the kinesthetic parts of square dancing --I can translate music timing into moving very well, and I'm good at seeing and feeling where I'm supposed to be.

But holy christ child, I know you were being encouraged by a bunch of wonderful/terrible people, but dancing hexes by yourself before graduating mainstream? Truly, bravo.

At any rate, I ought to write more. Writing is good for defeating the depression, it's good for my brain and sorting things out, it's really good for later when I want to prove to myself that something was real.

I'm gonna try and do the August challenge at 750words. Write at least that much, every day of the month. Yes, even with visiting mom and Gencon and the like. Good luck, self!

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Pinewoods 2017 report

If I were really good, I would try dividing it up into chunks of ESC, Session 1, and Session 21, but I'm not that good. So have a jumbled together report of my last two weeks. I'm not writing it in any sort of order, so the footnotes might beare all jumbled up.

*So um redacted redacted redacted hour kissing on the dock redacted redacted. Also this is the second time in three months where I have taken photos of me kissing a cute girl and sent them to her girlfriend.

*Dave Wiesler is the absolute best at writing music. His bandleading night in session 1, I mostly couldn't actually dance due to a twingy ankle (and I am gentler about that when there's five more nights of dancing than I would be otherwise), but that meant I spent some good time just hiding behind the bandshell catnapping and listening to just fucking magnificent music. I want want desperate want a recording of his Joie de Vivre set, it was just *magical*.

*FOUR SQUARE ON THE RAFT IS THE NEW BEST GAME AT PINEWOODS! And of course, we invented/found this game and the weather immediately got grumpy and rainy and Scottish and no one wanted to go play in the water anymore so we never played again. But there was like an hour and a half of it on Sunday.

*Also redacted details but one of my favourite comets3 and I get to see each other at Pinewoods every year, and this year was just _super_ good for it. Also, yes, it is absolutely possible to fit two people into the single4 bed in Kitty Alone, you just have to be very friendly and accept that one of y'all might have the windowsill digging into their leg the whole night. Luckily no one is sleeping very long at camp.

*Fred is SUCH AN AWESOME HIGHLAND TEACHER! We covered two dances in two days during session 1, and then refined one of them and learned another two dances in session two. Somehow I have now reached the point where I was in the demo set for things, which is terrifying, considering that everyone else in the demo set is either Triona (who started at the same time as me but actually practices and is good at Highland) or people who've been competing for like fifteen years.

*I mostly did not go to any classes except Highland, but I did make it to the cross-step waltz class, which was really good! It had one variation that I'd never seen before, some more practice on grapevines (which I suuuuck at), and there was about a ten second "and also pivots exist" near the end which I managed to corner Keira and get actual info about and then I did some real pivots with Val and internalized them well enough to teach them to Stephen and Alex. Now, these are all three super competent dancers, but I still felt pretty proud of myself and will try to throw those in next time I lead cross-step.

*The hardest part about doing secret rehearsals for secret Abbots Bromley is then not whistling the tune for the next three hours and giving away the secret. Also, our fool was complimented both times on their ability to hit the triangle in an appropriate and not overwhelming manner. Alsoalso, the fact that the Abbots Bromley is traditionally taught to Scottish dancers by being dragged into the woods by a veritable wizard is basically the Best Thing. Alsoalsoalso, I don't know what you are talking about I was definitely not part of any of this weird English ritual nonsense.


*Spent like four hours in what felt kinda like a con panel where we talked about old drama (and I (re?)learned a story that's important for me to know and now I have a clearer picture instead of just details) and the progression from gamergate to trump supporters and a bit of just tragic personal history of a friend of mine. It was a cozy night! Sad that all the stories were sad, but the greater world is sad right now, and Callahan has an adage about the importance of shared pain.

*Had very _very_ low amounts of polydrama/jealousy going on. This doesn't *always* happen at Pinewoods, and I swear there's a lot of camp beyond kissing people, but when you consider that I actively resisted camp for at least two years before originally going because I didn't want to be a seventh wheel, it's cool to have a year where all the relationships were able to be content with each other.

*I taught a workshop about "SCD for Crew"! It was about an hour, and I went into it wanting to cover five main things: the five basic Scottish steps, quicktime pousettes, allemandes, at least one corner figure, and dancing something without cues. We got through all those things! It helps that crew tends to have a crazy high dance ability!

*Speaking of crew, there were two nineteen year olds who I spent time with, both of whom make me very confused since I'm pretty sure I was in no way that chill or competent when I was nineteen. I want to be friends with both of them and am not sure I am cool enough to be so, also they apparently told other people I was awesome which just ???!??!!?

Apparently I'm getting old enough to have people look up to me, which is kinda nice and also ??!??!???.

*RAPPER RAPPER RAPPER I GOT TO DO RAPPER AND IT'S MY FAVOURITE DANCE FORM AND GODDAMNIT I WANT TO FORM A RAPPER TEAM GUUAHHHHHHH. Okay I just looked it up and it's like £35 a sword but I'm actually weirdly okay with the idea of sometime dropping $230 on this once I have a Real Job in order to facilitate having a team I want to do rapper _that bad_.

*Also our rapper teacher tried Scottish for the first time at ESC, and he did well and it was very charming and fun, *and* our Scottish teacher tried Contra for the first time and she had fun and THIS IS WHAT ESC IS FOR AND THIS IS WHY IT'S THE BEST SESSION!

*During Scottish I had two separate moments where I felt the need to subtweet about someone and instead just went ahead and told him because that makes more sense and is less drama-inducing. Plus, I only have one ex-boyfriend who's since gotten married, so like, if I talk about feeling compersion towards him and his wife, that's not really subtle and he knows it's him.

(The second spoken subtweet involved the phrase "bad decision hot" and no I'm not telling you any more about it.)

*I had two separate trips to Little Long Pond, both excellent in their own way. The first involved taking newfriends Austin and Phoebe during ESC, at which point we found out that the canal was much lower than normal and we had to tie up our canoe and wade through (this was awesome). On our way back, we touched two separate bouys in regular long pond. It is worth noting that due to pub night exhaustion, we were definitely only going to touch the canoe, not get into it, and definitely not paddle clear to the other side of the lake.

The second time was jere7my and I kayaking, which meant we were able to get out and port the kayak over the little waterfall and then do the canal properly. We saw a frog, and a tiny turtle, and we chased a green heron a bit and then we saw AN OTTER!!!! jere7my took some pictures!

*For the Star Wars vs Star Trek ball, I had Lise do up my hair in exquisite Leia buns, and I wore glitter and my Leiaish dress. I looked very beautiful and the buns did not come out despite doing Scottish dancing and later stilt-walking.

*The number of people catching and using my pronouns was magnificent. Also, I'm quite amused by some friends asking if it was okay if they used "she-shit-they" as my pronoun, as it was inevitably what happened. I will absolutely accept sheshitthey as my pronoun, yes, as I have used it myself occasionally by accident.

(Misgendering yourself is weird.)

*I had a job interview on changeover day between session 1 and session 2. It was...I mean, it was a phone interview and it only lasted about twenty minutes but I think I answered all of their questions well and I think I asked good questions of my own. I should be hearing back from them sometime this week upcoming maybe.

*Was in a ceilidh act attempting to hexify a Scottish square. It went solidly okay. Extra difficult in that one of our people didn't show up so I pulled my dance-sister Connie in on absolutely zero warning. I think this would make a better workshop than ceilidh for the future.

*Fucked up both my acts in the session 1 ceilidh, neither in ways anyone else would notice or care about. Felt...really bummed out about it, and got super quiet and brainwarped, which eventually culminated in me vanishing for a long while and eventually sobbing on the dock for a bit at one AM, because that's kinda what you do at Pinewoods at least once.

*I always feel a little weird that I basically never go to classes at Pinewoods. I think I pretty consistently average 1.5 classes a day or less, and inevitably the bulk of that is either Highland or Rapper.

*People seemed pleased by my classes on basic SCD technique during ESC, but I very much did not. I don't think I prepared well enough for them or did a good enough job teaching, and I especially fucked up the last day something thorough (in no small part to the complete lack of sleep beforehand). I suspect a lot of this is me being Too Hard on myself, but I also suspect that me being Too Hard on myself counts as bad even if sucking at teaching doesn't.

*Speaking of rapper, I managed to hit someone I like and respect very much in the face with a rapper sword because sometimes this sort of shit happens but also god_damnit_. She was very gracious.

*I managed to put my open water bottle into my bag at one point, which was a Dumb Idea. My camera got the brunt of the damage --it's completely broken, despite spending most of a week in a tub of rice (thank you crewwww). So I'll have to look into a new digital camera, siiiigh.

I am really sad that I have to put any notes into this category, because this is significantly worse than the bad category. But there you have it.

*There was a pretty blatant transphobic joke made by the bandleader and two of the musicians Wednesday night. Like, two dudes dressing up as women, being introduced as "our guest musicians [feminized versions of their names]" by the bandleader and a lot of wink-wink-nudge-nudge laughter involved. It was not okay, and I'm not looking forward to having to fight at the next TMC2 meeting about how this was Not Okay and how we need to explain that to the people involved.

(But I'm looking even less forward to being a part of a community where transphobic jokes are able to be the norm.)


Overall I had a REALLY REALLY good time, which is pretty typical for me. I enjoyed myself and played games and saw and made good friends and fucked about in a canoe and swam and so much dancing!

I am already looking forward to next year. <3


1: ESC = English Scottish Contra session at Pinewoods! Also called ESCape. Session 1 and Session 2 = the two official Scottish sessions at Pinewoods.

2: TMC is the Teaching and Music Committee of the Boston RSCDS branch. RSCDS is the Royal Scottish Country Dance Society. I'm a part of TMC both naturally and because someone from the Highland Ball needs to attend their meetings. We're the peeps who pick the MCs, Musicians, and Teachers for events like Pinewoods.

3: Comet is a term starting to appear in some branches of the poly community. It refers to someone who briefly comes into your life on a periodicish basis, and who you don't really date or communicate much with in between, but are always happy to pick back up where you left off. This particular comet started as my "James Dean relationship"3.a, and I adore him something fierce.

3.a: Live fast, die young, leave a pretty corpse. We went from zero to sexytimes in about a date and a half, we broke up after six months (both knowing it was coming; he was moving far away), we stayed friends. And sometimes more than friends.

4: Did you know that there is a name for the size of bed smaller than twin? Yeah, it's single. Singles are _very_ small.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Not that I've been posting often enough for anyone to notice, but I'm about to head to Pinewoods for two weeks! I am very very excited!

There will be friends and dancing and games and SPAAAAACE and mostly not me being online (and probably not me trying to write) but if you send me an email, I'll definitely see it.

Hugs, etc.

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Wayyyyy back in October, I was trying to do a writing challenge where I wrote about 31 characters that I related to. I kinda lost the thread, but I have this list sitting around of potentials, and I wanna keep trucking through it. Of course, the person for today was never on my original list. So it's good of me to get around to it.

In 2010, Emma Stone was in a cute little teen movie called Easy A. I saw a preview, kinda hated that I wanted to see it, eventually wound up getting a copy for free from a friend cleaning out her DVD collection, and finally watched it probably sometime in 2012 or 2013. About six months ago, it struck me that I had it on the shelf and I had enjoyed it so I should watch it again, right?

Right. Absolutely one hundred percent right, because this film is fantastic. It's smart and funny and caring and Olive Pendergast is basically a thousand percent me in high school. Except, you know, the central plot of the movie.

But you know how every once in a while someone is all "there but for the grace of god go I"? Like, I don't think God had anything to do with it, but damn, had my life been just a little bit different...yeah. Yeahhhh. It's not that I necessarily wanted to be a big ol' slut or have The Reputation1, but the drive to make people happy? More importantly, the reluctant decision to sacrifice my own happiness and well-being for the benefit of others? Hoboy.

That moment in the guidance councilor's office, right after she gets slapped is so me it hurts. Like, this is clearly not what she wants to be saying or doing, but it will Make Someone Else's Life Easier. And if you're not doing that, then what's even the point of life, right?

If you ever observe me acting selfishly, please understand that it took years of work and deprogramming to get to that space. I still don't naturally do things for myself with anywhere near the ease as I do them for others. And yeah, it's never gone as badly as it does for Olive2 but it's not always a good thing. As the saying goes, don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

I'm glad she gets her John Hughes ending at the end of the movie. I'm glad she has parents who love her (and on a mostly unrelated note, I fucking love how accurately this movie presents being a smart slightly weird kid with weird parents). I'm glad she survives her ordeal with an incontrovertible sense of humour.

And I hope in the future, she can hold onto herSelf enough to think twice before giving it up to someone else.


1: Fun fact! In high school, especially tenth grade, I was functionally asexual! Like, straight up sex-repulsed super ace. I wish I had had the term then, because I didn't (not really) and it might've made it easier to cope with the fact that I wasn't into any of this.

2: I mean...trigger warning it didn't go as badly for me, I *just* wound up in an abusive relationship for the better part of a year that I still haven't fully recovered from. But that's neither here nor there.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Brain ebbs and brain flows. Right now, I'm in a good space. More worrisome, I'm on day two or three of a good space, which means my entire life is going to come crashing down like day after tomorrow.

On the plus side I got put on another therapist's waiting list, and I have an appointment on Monday for potential intake/placement. Whee! And I have most of the next two weeks essentially off, which means I'm gonna have fuckall ability to get shit done, of course, because no routine.

Sometimes I can't tell whether I'm being depressed or realistic and it's annoying as hell.

Anywho, a quick todo list for the next few days:
TMC minutes, Pinewoods costuming and packing, apply for all the jobs, maybe work some? Work on my room for suresies. I should probably make some Active Effort on getting my place into some semblance of livable --I'd like to have access to a desk again (especially because then I could reinstate the rule where I'm not allowed to use the lappy in bed which might be good.)

What else...

Last night's dance was _really good_. It was solely dances from books 1-3, which means among other things we got to do the SCD version of the Virginia Reel. (People get annoyed by this sort of thing, which means I go up to both the teacher and the teacher-coordinator and explicitly anti-complain about having weird historical stuff to try).

There were some other really (physically) hard dances too, and the whole thing ended off with Mari's Wedding. This is great, except that my legs hurt and I have a billion hours of squares and rounds today and then highland tomorrow. I look forward to continuing to torment my body (I should do my pushups).

I have made a new friend! It's a new internet friend, which is the _best kind_. His name is Quads (well okay, technically it's something about quadrilaterals, but I started calling him Quads and then he changed his nick to match so I'm going with it) and he's into musical theatre and used to dance. I met him through the most recent incarnation of The Pie Shop, which let me tell you it is so important to my brain to have access to an IRC-like, apparently. Not enough for me to actually get into IRC (because honestly, at least half of the desire is a place to chill with mek), but having a general chatroom to harass people and the like is great.

I should really get into Slack, shouldn't I?

I've also _finally_ put together my Dreamwidth friends list, so I can actually come read over here. This is a good thing! This means I'ma read LONG FORM BLOGGING! And then maybe someday I will comment on LONG FORM BLOGGING and even get more people to do it, damnit.

Dunno. Not too much else to say, but glad to be saying things. This has been a bad year for writing AND LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN DEPRESSION GETTING WORSE AND NOT WRITING NOPE.

Hearts and stuff.

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Here are my plans for the week!

I didn't get called in to substitute, which means today is a Day Off. I set myself three goals for the day (wash hair, call a therapist, apply for a job) and I have completed the first two! I also sent out the survey for the Highland Ball.

Other stuff I might do today includes creating a rough draft of the TMC minutes from our June meeting, and finally getting my shit together about making a DW friends list so I can come back here proper. More immediately, I'm gonna go get some lunch.

a'ight, pasta water's boiling. Carry on, self!

Normal nannying day. Head to MIT after for squaresing. Fuck around MIT from 4ish to 7ish more computer-based stuff? Work on the Highland Ball Bible? Apply for a job, for sursies. Maybe work on a secret project. Go to Squares and dance a lot, then come home and sleep.

Oh, I know, tomorrow's Big Task will be designing the buttons for ESCape

This is where I suddenly stop having a job for a few weeks, because I was gonna go to NYFaerieFest but then...I'm not. Anywho, hopefully I will work at the bananamines in the afternoon. The evening will be the last Highland class until September, gosh!

I'm not technically nannying, but I'm gonna go out and accompany Rbeast and her other nanny to playgroup, for last playgroup. Because I like all the adults there (and also all the kids) dag-nabbit! After, I'm gonna head to Arlington and babysit the little bear while her mother gets work done.

Picnic lunch plans. The morning will involve preparing said picnic lunch, unless I'm really useful Thursday night. Then picnic lunch on the commons with a friend, and maybe bananamines in the afternoon if I'm lucky. Should possibly throw my name out there for general work accessibility. *SHRUGS*

I actually have no plans for the weekend, but I could find a ride to ESC and pack for Pinewoods's and other stuff like that. Also clean my room. Also maybe a social of some sort??

I am taking over RBeastcare on...Wednesday, I think. My planner knows for certain, I'll double-check.
Basically no other plans except "Scavenge work because money" and "prep for Pinewoods".

And that's me!

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Wayyyy back in 2000, I played in my first LARP.

I mean, okay, I was a prop and a game baby in multiple LARPs in the '89-92ish range, and I remember being at Oscars '96 and Arabian Nights '99 (the latter of which dad scrawled me a little handmade unofficial badge about halfway through the weekend because I kept participating and stuff). But Oscars 2000 was my Very First LARP in terms of being given a character ahead of time and playing the whole weekend and being old enough to actually for realsies participate.

I played actress Mallory Tyrone, who was your standard bratty coming-of-age child actress. Somewhere I have all my notes and everything --I'm pretty sure I never got rid of them. My character packet for the weekend included a list of contacts and some out-of-game mechanics stuff, and a list of goals --things to strive for! I achieved very nearly all of them, because I'm a perfectionist damnit (and also because I was eleven and my daddy was one of the game masters and I probably wasn't given anything too arduous to achieve.)

One of those goals was to get signed with an agent! Now, I-as-person already had an agent (my mom's friend Butler is the agent to all three of us kids, as declared at Oscars '96). But Mallory Tyrone had no such thing! With all the brashness and confidence I could muster, I set forth to finding such a beast! I met a very nice woman (who in real life had a couple of kids within a few years age of me and my sibs) and she agreed to represent me, and by the end of the weekend, we had hashed out a contract and everything.

In my contract, I specified a very important stipulation: While on set, I was to have pasta every night for dinner. By which I pretty much meant "some kind of pasta, possibly filled, with tomato sauce, and ideally shake-cheese on top." The dreams of eleven year olds, amIrite? Forget important things like how much money I'd make or whether I have to do topless scenes, I just wanted to make sure I had access to my favourite dinner every night.

I am now 28 years old. I have very little Mallory Tyrone left in me1. But you know what? I've eaten chicken tortellini with tomato sauce for lunch every day this week. I am not sick of it. I do not feel like I'm missing out. There's a very good chance I'll make another batch for lunches next week.

I've long since lost track of that agent, but you know what? That's okay. Katarina Whimsy can make their own dreams come true.

And it's awesome.


1: Although I still collect autographs whenever remotely possible or reasonable. And I'm still willing to be the one to ask people out --one of the goals was to have a date to the Oscars event on Saturday night, and by god if I didn't find the only boy remotely my age and stumble through the most delightfully awkward eleven year old "SO THIS IS TOTALLY JUST IN GAME, BUT WANNA BE MY DATE IN GAME?!" My brain wants to say he gave me a flower, or a kiss on the cheek, or something equally twee when we met up, but that may just be the storyteller in me.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Okay, so like, I haven't done a comprehensive check-in in a while. So here are some aspects of my life and how they're going.

Romantic life: Largely really good. I will maybe write a goofy shipping status thing in little bit, but let's just go with "I'm happy, still poly, my partners seem pleased with things, working on better communication, etc."

Professional life: Largely really awful. I'm working as a nanny four days a week, and don't get me wrong, the kid is great and its parents are great (yo, hey friends!), but I don't actually want to be working with a two year old for a living so while the day-to-day is fine, my longterm stuff is rubbish. So I'm gonna be looking for something else for the 2017-18 school year.

("Wait, weren't you working at an awesome..." yes. Yes, last year I had a pretty great math teacher job, and I really liked it. The teaching style they were looking for did not align with the style I have, and I was not re-hired.)

Student life: Iiiiii should take the GED so I can get into grad school for the...well, at this point it's pretty much gonna be the 2018-19 school year. But yeah. I want my master's degree because it will help immensely with the professional life part. You should feel free to bother me about this.

Dance life: Dance life is...okay but, look, I love dancing more'n anything and it's amazing, but I'm running a lot of stuff and it's weird and a little stressful. I am running the Boston Highland Ball (please send in your applications, I want more applications faster please!) which is certainly going (but will be over in a month, yay). I am also running a third of English-Scottish-Contra week at Pinewoods, which is going well because Meghan and Dan are _amazing_ and I love them. I'm not currently getting my second level SCD candidacy, but I will probably start thinking about that in another year or so. Sometimes I get to teach and it's super cool! I'm performing at NEFFA in...a week and a day, please come see me dance on Sunday!

Oh, and I'm still doing Highland (as often as I can manage). I keep swearing I'll go to Bluesy sometime, but...I...don't? I'd say it's complicated, but see "mental health" below. :P Ditto Squares.

Physical Health: Pretty good! I'm biking about eight miles a day, and I'm in pretty good shape. I did, admittedly, get doored the other day and the part where my knee hit the pavement has made me all sad inside (and bruised outside), but neither I nor my bike were seriously hurt so it's all good!

Mental Health: There's this great line in "Across the Universe" said by the PTSDing dude who just came back from 'Nam: Everything below the neck works fine.


But yanno, it's no longer winter, which'll probably help me chin up some? I will probably make a separate little post about this, because it's too much to go into in one post. Short version: Still ADHD, possibly depressed, need therapy, also need to stop having trouble with my health insurance (May 1st).

Creation and Art: I was drawing on the regular, which was cool, and then I lost track of that. I need to get back into it. But I also _really_ need a place to put my art, because it's depressing not being able to archive it anywhere, and Twitter's just not cutting it. If you have a 2D art archive you like...let me know? Not deviantArt, thanks.

Geogames: I have inexplicably joined a Munzee guild, and helped do my share for every month so far this year. That's...weird and wacky. But there you have it, I am being slightly more dedicated about Munzee and I'd love to have adventure-partners. I'll post about this more somewhere maybe?

Also I am one of those freaks still playing PokemonGo, despite it being well after the game came out. I dunno, I just find it fun and relaxing!

Other Stuff: I...don't totally know that I've got a lot of other stuff going on right now. I've been watching more TV than I used to (I blame Netflix and also depression). I've got a Habitica group that's pretty awesome, and I'm trying real hard to be a good person there. Sometimes I play board games! Sometimes I go hang out in the sunshine?

How're you? What's going on in your life?

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
State of the Social Media, 2017

Hi friends!! It's been a loooong time since I last checked in about this, and Russia has made an update Weirdly Relevant, so let's talk social media! I'm gonna post this everywhere I mention, except on Twitter where I'll just link it, because I do not hate my twitter friends that much.

SO! I use social media! Let's talk about which and how. This is going to be a real-person post, which means long and rambling. I may make a tl;dr for Facebook.

Livejournal:(KDSorceress) WELL OKAY FINE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT. I WON'T USE THIS ANYMORE. Okay, no, realistically I have given up on online privacy *and* my Russian-speaking-friend who uses LJ doesn't seem to be bailing, but given that EVERYONE ELSE has pretty much finally's time to drop it entirely, and that's a bummer. So I'm gonna turn off cross-posting (MASSIVE WINCE) and abandon the place I've updated at least once a month for the last 161 months1. That's over thirteen years, my livejournal is old enough to start its own livejournal.

But it's okay because I'll be finally fully transitioning to...

Dreamwidth:(Sorcyress Wooooo! Open-source! Community-controlled! Transparency and not randomly deleting journals and not run by a government that thinks Teh Gay is a major league problem and why was I on elljay in the first place? Anywho, DW is where I put long-style thoughts, and Real Serious Life Stuff! It's my (new) home. I have never given up on longform personal blogging, and I still love it more'n anything, and I want the rest of you to return to it.

Meanwhile, you can also find Real Serious Life Stuff on...

Twitter:(@Sorcyress) This is where I have been dumping my serious stuff in sortof the immediate, because...I...also don't have attention for longform blogging right now? Please see my eighty part tweet-saga on "does Kat have health insurance and/or medication for their ADHD this week?", which I have been performing 140 characters at a time for the last six months. Also, there's a *lot* of selfies. If you wanna see my face, you gotsta follow my tweets.

Tumblr:(Sorcyress My Tumblr is an uncoordinated cesspit, and I mostly just reblog stuff that I theoretically want to follow up on later somehow, but then don't. I really should stop using Tumblr. You are welcome to follow me there, I provide no original content and very little original commentary, but you might still find my curation cool or useful or something.

Meanwhile, on the offline side of the internet you have...

Facebook:(Firstname Lastname, go ahead and ping me privately if you want it) Facebook is what I use to speak to lots of people at once --lots of "hey I need a thing from y'all" but also it's the place where my party ideas show up and invites and stuff. I also post a weirdly high amount of genderstuff, because I remain eternally thrilled that Facebook lets me set my gender accurately and my pronoun correctly. Anyways, because Facebook has my wallet name attached instead of my handle, I also behave all delicately and professionally and whatnot. This means I don't swear on my own page2, and don't link to my handle!

Places I am no longer include: deviantART,, any other forums...Iunno. The rest of the world I used to be on? Oh yeah, OKCupid, which isn't really social media and I never really used it, but I've pretty much wholly abandoned it. And that one bounty-hunter3 website that a certain subset of my friends list is thinking of, yes I still have an account, every few months I'll post a thing, but I hardly ever read or do anything else.

Places I am not currently that you probably are: Instagram (I haven't gotten around to it), Pintrest (I fundamentally object to their screwing up of Google Image searches), Snapchat (Technically I have one, every few months I remember to look at my sister's timeline, but I do not "get" it like at all)

Separate from social media, if you wanna get in touch with me, you can...

Text me! After two decades of fundamentally hating telephones, I finally got a tiny-pocket-computer-that-incidentally-makes-phone-calls and I like it very much. I like getting random texts, and will do my best to respond, if whatever my job is allows it.

IM me! I still looooove instant messanger, even though I'm not always the best at using it. When I am on the computer, I have access to GTalk and AIM (username on both: kdsorceress), when I'm on the phone, just GTalk.

Call me? mean, I like having phone calls very rarely with a smallish subset of the People I Like, so please don't randomly call me for conversation without pinging me otherwise first? But if that's a thing you like, I mean, try pinging me and we'll see!

Skype me! (Or Google Hangouts or whatever --the kleenex problem is coming for you, Skype.) I especially like utilizing this for the "I'ma work on cleaning my room and you work on cleaning your room" type stuff. Last big Skype chat I had, Tailsteak was inking or something, and I made a LEGO set! (my skype is Sorcyress, my google is kdsorceress)

Email me! Oooo, I love getting emails! I am _absolutely terrible_ at replying to emails. You will not bother me if you send me reminder emails to reply to your email. Seriously. It is good for me! (kdsorceress at gmail dot com)

Is there anything I'm missing? If you wish to get in touch with me on a social media I didn't specify, go ahead and email me at [insert appropriate email here]. Or leave a comment or whatever!

Yay social media!


1: Except two, back in 2005 because I was being a petulant and sulky baby.

2: My grandfather objects, and again, I try to pretend that Facebook is professional even though I have it locked up pretty tight privacy wise. Of course, it's sFB, so those privacy settings could randomly change any day now.

3: I am very clever! Do you like how clever I am?
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
(This entry started on Twitter):

Welp, the point in LeftoverSoup where I decided not to read any further ahead has just arrived. Five
strips left, and I'll read 'em honest.

I'm pretty sure I've been sneaking ahead in the archives since the 200s or so. A loooooong time. Even earned myself a boon once for it!

But LeftoverSoup is on its way out and I wanna give it at least a little bit of respect there. It's...important to me.

Approx 995 strips ago, I found the talented and famous @tailsteak and started sending random @-
replies. To my utter shock, he returned them!

That parlayed into chatting on the forum and to sending email* and to one of my best friends in the world and that's really cool.

So, if you've never read LeftoverSoup, now's a great time --you'll likely finish right when the comic does. It's a hell of a run.

...And its creator is a hell of a guy. I can't wait to see what he does next. <3

((*emails --ah, footnote's too long for here, I'll just have to put it in LJ instead.))


Hopefully I'll write a longer memorium sometime later. It's a really fascinating comic, written by a clever and fascinating guy. It ends next Monday, April 10th, and is probably the only webcomic I'll ever read consistently, every update as it updates, for the entire run. ((Skin Horse has already had a healthy chunk in the middle where I stopped reading for a while, and I can't think of very many others I actually started at the beginning.))


*So, Tailsteak is the only person I've ever met who could meet a random womanish** person online, send her a bunch of porn, and parlay that into a six year friendship. He is one suave motherfucker!

((Yes of course there's more detail to that story, but it's more fun without it.))

**For the purposes of being sent internet pornography, I definitely align myself with my female-socialization and...opposite of privilege? Basically, if you send dicks at me, unless you are the aforementioned suave motherfucker above, I am probably going to feel like you're trying to assert male power over me-as-female and feel attacked.


sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Katarina Whimsy

October 2017

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