sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Accomplishments for today:

*The Usual
*I graded all the entrance tickets from yesterday and today (but I haven't entered them yet, gotta get on that.
*Gave participation grades for yesterday and today (but again, need to enter).
*Almost totally prepped Algebra for tomorrow, at least half-prepped Calculus for tomorrow.
*I'm giving that last one another star, because I fucking _never_ prep work in advance.

*Sent a couple emails, made a Facebook post
*Did brainstorming work about who runs parties and the like
*Made suggestions about Potpourri classes

*Wanked around and caught Jenn up on the last few weeks (California, NEFFA, Evidence, That Drama From School From A Couple Weeks Ago)
*Discussed sleep issues and how to be healthier around them

*Got 1500 unread emails out of my inbox, only 2,942 to go (and they get harder from here).
*Wrote my words for the 137th day in a row.
*Listened to a lot of Vienna Teng
*Might go to bed before eleven. Not sure yet, will try and check in tomorrow.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I dunno how long it will last, but fuckit, I'm tired of being Absolute Trash and I'd like to just generally Suck Less. So here's some things we're gonna do about it.

(Yes obvs we're going to do all of these at once, how else do I completely guarantee burning out in less than a week and forgetting all positive progress?)

*Sleep! Look, fine, I've hit the tipping point. Let me reassure you, I still utterly despise the very concept of sleep. It's so boring. It's so much time where you could be doing fun and/or useful things. I hate it so so so so much. BUT. Working hypothesis, drawn by everyone on the internet talking about it and also mek calling me out and also confirmed as probable by my therapist, is that if I sleep more, then my waking time will be less braindead and more productive. I will be able to do more fun and/or useful things anyways! What a clever trick.

yeah, I hate everything about this, but I'm gonna try and commit to getting more sleep, through some combination of: long afternoon naps (1-2 sleep cycles), setting my alarm for realistically later and not hitting snooze (since we all know all those nine minute cycles are not actually helpful or restful1), actually going the fuck to bed when it's bedtime (which is 11 on school nights, you know that you ponce what even was last night), and trying to get some of my prep-work done afterschool so I can arrive at school later in the morning (as in, not times that start with 6, yes really, all the damn time) instead of frantically needing a half-hour per different class before school starts at 7:45.

I don't think I will do all of those on the same day. I don't think I'll do any of them reliably or regularly. Recommendations for other ways to make sleep more frequent are great. Telling me to go the fuck to bed is also good.

*Emails! The greatest blow to my ego in the last two years2 was hearing a friend describe me as "bad at email" to another friend. Mostly because she was right, which is a vile fact and I'm sorry for it.

Anyways, the whole "one day at a time" thing applies here, and I've done all the emails for today. Inbox zero is a legitimately impossible thing, but maybe I can get _fewer than 4k fucking unread emails kthanks_. I did do a bunch of new label-filters, so that'll help. One step at a time, whee!

*Fiction! did you know I brought a story for other people to read, complete damn strangers, and they reacted positively? I am absolutely reeling! And yes, mek's writing group is full of super nice people, but still! Maybe I should try fiction writing more sometime, because legit, that was from 2014.

*Work! we're not gonna talk about how things are going at work shhh everything's fine, no I'm not in the hell-space where evidence is in but I don't know yet if I have a job next year hahaha it's great everything's great why wouldn't it be great?

*Social! It's not winter anymore! I mean, the weather is awful (repent to your weather lords), but we're out of the really cold and dark SAD season. So maybe I can start interacting positively with people I like? I use google chat and discord, hmu! Yes, I would love to do a short fun social with you in a late afternoon or early evening! Maybe a dinner before dancing sometime? Ice cream on a Friday night? Who knows!

*Housecleaning Yeah, so like, I filed extension-on-taxes, which involved sending a rough approximation of money to the government, but I based it on the 2017 amount I sent, which was WAY HIGHER than it would be this year, because I spent half of 2017 self-employed and not paying my own taxes. What does this have to do with Housecleaning? The fact that my mail is currently scattered through the fucking disaster that is my bedroom and maybe if I organized All That I could get my tax stuff actually done for real and get some money back from the government. That'd be keen!

If you would like to literally or metaphorically (via Skype/Hangouts/whathaveyou) sit on my bed and keep me company some afternoon while I roomclean, that'd be incredibly useful and I'd be very into it.



1: One of my favourite things about the digital age is the ability to highlight any word I type and hit the "look up" button on my computer and have an immediate pop-up of the actual definition. Case in point, I originally had restive here, but that is actually the exact opposite! Thanks dictionary!

2: The greatest blow to my ego ever was probably not getting hired back at the private school, but that was now more than two years ago. Time is marching on and all.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I'm home!

I'm home, and I just took a three hour nap, and I am going to write my words and then go back to bed for seven hours or so, which will not exactly cure the sleep deficit I had from last night, but it will help _a lot_.

("why did you have a-" because I got home from the airport at 2:30 in the morning and left the house for work at 6:30. Like, I knew it was gonna happen and all, but uuuuughhh.)

California was a very Good Time! Some highlights, in no particular order:

*I met mek's friend Samantha and hit it off swimmingly! We chatted briefly after writergroup, and then we spent much of Friday all in a group chat as I read stories and Had Feels and then mek and I went over Saturday afternoon-to-early-evening to watch taskmaster and eat _fucking delicious_ Moroccan lentil stew (NTS: Recipe) and chill. All of this was excellent!

Samantha is a person who is super fascinated by and fascinating about people. It's really really fun to talk to her about brains and perceptions and anxiety and the work we all have to do and how it is different from or the same as each other.

*Also Samantha did my hair up _super_ pretty, with lovely dutch braids at the top, and then spiraling the hair through its braid. Twitter has pics. The top part is still in --I rebraided the bottom this morning, and it actually still looks pretty good and it feels wonnnderful. Also it was cute, as I asked if she wanted to braid my hair and she acted as though this is a great intimate honor and was pleased I trusted her or whatever, which I mean, a little, but mostly I'm just REALLY EXCITED FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO DO MY HAIR! So seriously, everyone, if you want braiding practice, or you want to get your feet into 42 inches of the silky stuff, hit me up.

*Speaking of writersgroup, I brought a piece in on a whim and it was received really well! So now I feel all pleased and gotta work on it more, so that maybe next time I visit California I can please people by bringing in more of the story.

*mek and I spent a day attempting to go to the amusement park, then learning that they've completely shot themself in the foot by no longer making the rides all-you-can-ride. Like, there is simply no pass or version of their payment scheme that means you can ride *all* the rides (you can get a time block with most of them, but only at certain points of the week, and it doesn't include the Screamer.)

*So we went bowling instead. It's been a while since last bowling, and what we learned is that I am, while not a good bowler, slightly better than mek. This pairs very well with us having done minigolf, where I am slightly worse than mek.

*Also at bowling we got snax, and the mozz sticks and funnel cake were _shockingly_ good. The bowling place also has lazer tag, so we might try that next time I'm in town, or just go to six flags for proper amusement parking.

*We watched two and a half seasons of Taskmaster, and I count it as an absolute win that mek enjoys it. mek and Samantha want to write it into their Changeling universe/rpg, which I am All About. The idea of the fae getting ahold of Taskmaster is a great one.

(Taskmaster has been my television fav of the last year, and I've shown a lot of people. Comedians did tasks. Now the tasks are being shown and ranked! Everyone wins!)

*Also showed mek Anna and the Apocalypse, which is of course the current movie obsession. I am three-for-three on showing it to people and having them quite enjoy it, so yay! It is...just a really excellent movie, and if you like zombie Christmas musicals you should definitely hmu.

*There was also just heaps of snuggling and reading things across each other and fucking around online, and we went to a park one of the days and had a picnic, and life was good! But now I am home, where life is...well mostly life is woefully underslept and skipping dance. But I'm working on it!

I hope your life is lovely.

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So here is something I didn't even realize I missed until right now, and it's more or less thanks to [personal profile] tinuvielchild that I realized it.

When you go to a Big Event, it's a well-known phenomena to have "con drop" afterwards. The festival is done, afters is behind us, there's no more songs to sing or volunteer tasks to complete, and all the great many friends have packed up and gone home. Oh sure, you'll see them all again at another event, another year, but this one is done and gone behind us.

And then you log onto your computer in the days not-so-long after, and scroll quietly through your livejournal feed, and get the little reports. You get to relive the event, through someone else's eyes. You get a thrill of delight when you read your name, recognize the ways that someone you love cares too for you, and included the memory of you in their presentation of What Was.

I love reading event reports from things I've gone to. I love it even if I don't cross paths with the person I'm reading, I just adore getting to experience the thing all over again, this time in a slightly different what-might-have-been. And it's a mostly dying thing, as so many fewer of my friends flock back to dreamwidth after the events, and Facebook is so completely useless for it and decentralized.

As always, I will try and be the change I want to see in the world. But know that this is a good thing, when you talk about the lovely adventures you've had. You're letting me keep the good times going, just a little bit longer.

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I am in California!

This is a trip to visit mek, and hang out with him, as I am wont to do. It has already included being twits in various stores, watching two episodes of taskmaster, and napping. This is a good life, and I'm fond of it.

Further plans for the week include doing some social with writers group and with his DnD nerd friends, and spending a day at Scandyland, which is the little amusement park not far from here with minigolf and stuff. Plus probably writing, and watching many of the Televisions, and harassing the cat and that sort of thing. It's a difficult life, but one that must be occasionally led.

Last weekend was NEFFA and it was...not the best NEFFA I've ever had. *probably* not the worst, since I think that honor goes to the first year, but some similar problems honestly.

But there were lots of good parts! I had long discussions with lots of friends, and plenty of sunshine-time, and I got to listen to Elishka be passionate about knitting and the SCA, and I got to have a couple of really satisfying dances with strangers, and the demo team performance wasn't too bad. So ultimately, it wasn't terrible, it was just...a lot. Don't wanna talk more here/now.

It's near eleven my time, so my brain has slowed down pretty badly. I'm running on about an hour and a half and three hours sleep in a bed, then a whole heap of chunks of sleep on the airplane(s). Coming back home's gonna be plenty exciting too, but that's definitely a problem for future Kat.

I hope wherever you are, you are well, and with people you care for, and with things to do that make you happy.

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Having submitted my evidence file in a beautifully timely manner last night (I hit submit before 7PM! I made it to bells only a half hour late, and had great fun ringing and climbing on things!), my subconscious decided to throw a truly wicked anxiety-dream at me.

On the plus side of everything, it was honestly ridiculous enough that during the dream everything was deeply stressful and upsetting, but as soon as I woke up, I was able to take the situation firmly in hand and say "that is not how any of that would happen, don't be ridiculous, brain". And then I could just sortof marvel at the utter ridiculosity of it all!

See, I was teaching a Scottish Country Dance class, at a con-like event. It was the SCD class where _everything_ was going wrong. All my dancers were newbies, except a handful who did a lot of English or Contra or otherwise not-quite-Scottish and they kept talking over me and not letting me explain. I was ready for music and found my musicians had wandered off to get snacks. We spent all this time on skip-change practice, and then I realized that the really easy first dance I'd prepared was a strathspey. Also it began with an allemande, which is actually a great figure for when you've a mixed class and there are experienced people, but *not* for when you have all beginners all the time.

Also, like, Austin and some other more generic "people who are my friends who I like" were there for a while but then wandered off in an annoying and unsupportive way. Alsoalso, at one point we were having to arrange our set on an incredibly awkward ledge with raised metal panels on the floor. It was...deeply sub-optimal.

So yeah. Like, _none_ of that would happen in real life. If people insisted on talking over me, I'd utilize my Withering Looks, if my musicians wandered off, I'd switch to canned music, if I had a ton of newbies, I'd do what I always do and crack wise until they relax, if my dances were too hard, I'd switch 'em out for something I make up on the spot, and if I teach skipchange as my step _I will damn well use quicktime dances instead of strathspeys_.

But, yanno. Evidence is in, which means the waiting game has begun. Sometime in the next two months, I will find out if I get to keep the dream job. If I recall correctly, last year I had at least four anxiety dreams before I found out.

Fingers crossed y'all.

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Aight. Frantic and worried part two. It's EVIDENCE TIME BAYBE!

There is no Highland tonight. If I superstar get my shit together (oh hey, maybe *this* is why I've been keeping those spare meds in my bag, and not because I'm just forgetting to pull them out0) then I could theoretically go to bells, which would be awesome because Emily and Dale, and because I've had no chances to bells recently, not really. And I'll have no more chances for...a long time, for me.


*I need to do, at minimum, attendance for today. I also really _really_ need to print new attendance sheets for this week, now that we're three days through.

*I need to put in an offer on a car-renting for California trip.

*I need to create some kind of spreadsheet showing how participation grades are doing in my various classes across the quarters.

*I need to find the slide about the cell-phone-box-for-bonus-points thing I'm doing with my Algebra class, to help them with their participation grades.

*I need to create a curriculum map for Data Analysis

*I need to scan like basically everything in the universe.

*I need to upload all my evidence

*I need to apply Standards to these things. Four strands breaks into sixteen sub-strands breaks into 33 relevant standards that need to be covered by my evidence file. Whee!



*Also I could work on my NEFFA and California packing lists, because like...look, it's gonna be a *very* exciting super-tight turnaround from one adventure to the next.

Cool. Cool cool cool. Got two hours before the SAT folks show up to crash in my room, and then I can go move upstairs for a while. Let's see what I can get done in that time. LET'S DO THE THING!

(Please send lifesavers, encouragement, haiku, funny jokes, cheerleading, sneks, and anything else you think might help.)


0: Going to bells implies going to Austin's after, hence the need for meds tomorrow morning.

1: Sources say the thing I am quoting here is from _2005_. It's old enough to be one of my students. I I don't even know how to feel about this.
(Put for the jelly upon one slice of the naughty bread. For it is to be weighted down for to be not running away.)
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
This is a very angry post, it is an extended subtweet of someone who ignored my boundaries in order to 'debate' me when I didn't want to. I'm not bothering to explain context, I'm not bothering to censor my cuss words. It's about a thousand words long, read or not as suits. )

This is an angry post, but you know what? I'm almost thirty, and I have almost entirely stopped caring what men think about me. Good Girls Aren't Here, but I'm not a girl and I'm sure as fuck not good. Piss in the wind, if you wanna whine about it.

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
This morning, I posted a photo to twitter of an all-white pigeon, and declared it a good omen for today. That was...not totally accurate, but I do think overall in the long run today there was more good than bad.

The Bad:

*Bells did not get started until super late, and I had to leave early, which meant all I did today was ring up two bells and do one plain course of Plain Bob Minor. Annnnd...

*Immediately before PBM, I failed a tone roll in what I was saying to Austin and he asked me not to snap at him1 and so I was all shaky with myself and focusing on that instead of on PMB, and as it turns out, I still _super need to focus_ to do Bob correctly.

*Brain was weird and anxious for that2 plus No Good Reason when I taught my lesson OH AND THERE WAS A DOG? Right, that is a Good Reason for my brain to freak out, I _super_ do not like having small dogs in the same space as me, especially when they're not on their leash(?!) and the fact that it just strolled through the dancing space during my teaching and then never returned is like...super weird and upsetting. Anyways, now I have to send an awkward email to my mentor being all "hey, can you please ensure that there not be random small dogs in the room when I'm teaching because they stress me the fuck out and a stressed and anxious teacher does not do a good job".

*Anyways, I actually did a pretty good lesson3, but then Susie-mentor gave me some critiques, which is one hundred percent her job, and the critiques were valid4 and genuinely helpful and BOY my brain did not like that and immediately started pointing out to me that I am dumb and The Worst. Thanks brain. Youuuu suck.

But honestly, that was about it!

The Good:

*In the post-dancing report, first of all, Susiementor had nice things to say about my lesson to the rest of the class, including her saying she's gonna steal my practice exercise for preparing rights and lefts (as did another dancer!) so that's great! My lessons are good, I am doing well, and I can still be better!

*Also, like four times in a row Susie misgendered me and immediately corrected herself without me even prompting. And you know what? That is one hundred percent fine. "She was doing th--they were doing this" is exactly what I want. It doesn't need "sorry" every time, it doesn't need prostrating yourself on the alter of my mercy, it just needs...doing it again right. So especially after last Sunday at demo team, this was a *very* welcome thing.

*Everyone was late to bells except me and Ricky, which means me and Ricky had a pretty quality like twenty minutes just chilling out and chatting and going through old ropes to see if they're useful. I like *all* my bellsfriends, and am really happy to have such a good group of people in my life, but Ricky may be one of my favourites.

*At dancing, Clara brought her little Pingwing friend, and I had Beatrize, Bun-Emperor of the Netherrealms5 and we got some cute photos of them cuddling with each other at the table at the front of dance while people did the thing.

*Near the end of dance practice, Thom-friend and I were talking about rides home and he mentioned he was getting dinner with Val-friend but could bring me along if she was cool with it. Which she was! So I ate a _fucking amazing_ dinner with the two of them, and we all chattered and had a nice time and it was so very lovely. Then Thom and I drove home, and that was also lovely.

*I've never played my silly geo-game in Salem, it turns out, and so I did that today! I managed to upgrade a bunch of my items, including finding 3 of the 47 over-10,000 items I had left (lower numbers better).

*My dance teaching is good, damnit, and only getting better. That's not a small thing!

So what do you think? Was the all white pigeon a good omen?


1: He was justified, I definitely did not land the "slightly playful teasing" I was aiming for, and knew it as soon as I said it. Foot, meet mouth.

2: My brain is pretty good at catastrophizing, especially in and around interpersonal relationships, so yeah, the fact that I did something dumb means I had Ruined Everything, nevermind that I nearly immediately apologized, and that Austin accepted the apology and did not seem particularly upset then or later. SO YEAH.

3: I am allowed to be arrogant about teaching. I am allowed to be arrogant about Scottish dance. Say it enough times it becomes true.

4: Nothing major, just that I took a little too long and need to be more time-mindful, and that I should've added one more exercise to focus on a transition I skimmed past. Both good to know!

5: She's a small, very round, plush bunny that Austin bought me at Easthill. She has gone _basically everywhere_ with me for the last month. Also, one of my favourite students knows of her existence and will occasionally hold onto her during class for anxiety management and if that isn't the greatest teacher-feel in the world I don't know what is.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So today's splendid moment in brainshit was managing to completely lose my keys when Austin and I stopped by my house to grab my clothes and his car before going to his place.

I mean, I had used the keys to get into the house, so the fact that they were _fucking nowhere to be found_ was...really frustrating. And so I tore through all my bags and got really worried and upset at myself, know. That's how I respond to fucking up.

I gave up on finding them, abandoned my bike to being locked at the rack and me taking the bus, and got into Austin's car. Where he had a fortune cookie. Which reminded me that I have leftover poke for lunch tomorrow. With my keys sitting on top it it so I remember to take it.


Anyways, part of my brain is really amused that the key trick worked the wrong direction1 but a lot more of my brain is...kinda dark and hateful and upset, and I don't really like it. I don't want to be in this pattern, and I especially don't want to be in this pattern since I don't have to be, but you know...I did something imperfect and wasted a bunch of time and was scatterbrained and all that is horrible.

(Austin does not seem particularly bothered that I was frantic and looking for keys --I mean, he was sympathetic certainly, but not like...annoyed at me. And he was sweet to my brain in the car. It is...he is very kind. I seem to wind up with these incredibly kind people and it sorta blows my mind that they can stand to be with me.)

So, you know. Recognizing that I don't want to have this sort of reaction is a good first step to not having it, maybe? I'll work on it. Later though. Tired Kat wants sleep for now.


1: See, typically you put your keys on top of the leftovers so you remember to bring the *food* with you when you leave.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
...yeah. I assume it's the spring, but things are suddenly going Kinda Alright and frankly I'm fucking terrified. I'm especially terrified because it doesn't feel _different_, it doesn't feel like I've done some cool paradigm shift like when I came up with the PBRB1 protocol or anything, it just...feels like me. Like still distraction and video games and wanting to sleep (and writing my words instead of doing something for class) and everything last minute but also like...kinda on top of it?

This morning I got up when the alarm rang at 5:15, and I looked fondly at the bed, and I did not return. Day one.

But hey, day one is the first step to getting to day *checks wordcount* 117.


1: Push Button, Receive Bacon. One of a great many brain-games I played with myself for a week and then forget about entirely and forever. I have a vague goal of making a big ol' google doc of these that I can share with other ADHD friends who would like dumb brain-games to trick their brains into getting things done occasionally.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So today was...a lot.

It started off with a bang, as I woke up at 5:49 with my laptop open on my lap and only 500-odd words in the file. My 750words day is already set to 6AM. No, I did not break my streak, but it is only by the skin of my fucking teeth.

Then, like an idiot, I lay back down rather than properly get up, and so I hit the snooze alarm four times and did not manage to get to school as early as I wanted to, le fucking sigh.

School was...really mellow for me. I didn't have to do any lesson planning, because today was end-of-the-quarter catch-up day, so all I did for my classes was circulate and help students one-on-one with their missing work or their extra credit projects or what-have-you. Paired with a moment of panic in the middle when my boss came in to observe a class and I had to be like "we are literally not doing anything today" but at the very least, I was actively sitting next to a student and working through a problem with her, and I was able to hand boss lady the extra credit assignment to look at, and so I think it was okay.

After classes were over, I did...not really anything constructive. I mean, I went to NEST-team and talked about stuff, and that was good. But my proper prep was, mostly? Which was *incredible* for my mental health and did nothing for my stack of grading.

Post-school was the LBGTQ+ forum, where about forty people showed up to sit in a big circle on the stage of the auditorium and talk queer stuff. It was pretty evenly split between students and teachers, and a *really* awesome discussion. I have so much hope for the next gen.

(I did not talk about Sunday night to them. I am not that kind of out at work. It was _very interesting_ talking around that fact in front of the one teacher who explicitly knows I'm agender, and really gratifying to have her mention the "I know we're thrilled with the idea of role models, but it's okay to not be out if it doesn't seem safe to you right now." Subtext may just be buttsex in a different order, but it's nice to hear the messages that are meant just for you sometimes.)

Then therapy, where I talked a lot about Sunday and school and how _badly_ I want to be out as agender, and talked with Jenn about a (purely academic) problem I have that could literally be unique in the world, and the usual...other stuff. Post-therapy quiet dinner and off to MIT for fairly unsatisfying squares.

Content Warning: My mood at squares was *definitely* not helped by the fact that it's April, and MIT celebrates April with brightly coloured shirts about rape strung up all over the staircase! I could probably have more thoughts, but I'd rather go to bed. Mostly I'm just really...angry. Angry at myself, for hurting, angry at kSatyr, for hurting.

I don't really want to go more into it just now, so have a post from 2010 that goes into why The Clothesline Project in particular is such a _thing_ for me. Trigger warnings like whoa.

Anyways, I'm off to bed. Cheers.

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Doing good feels good.

Like yes, I have a nightmare trashheap brain who vastly prefers to respond to "oh hey I did that thing I've been putting off" with "Oh finally, you know you could've gotten so much more done if you'd done it earlier, right?" rather than "yay!".

((My nightmare trashheap brain only does this to me. Please never _ever_ fear that I'm doing it to you. I am glad and pleased you did the thing, and even if it happened later, it's happened! It's done! Yay!!!))

But there is a subset of behaviors that I perform that I can recognize as "good" behaviors. Yes, things like cleaning my room, and grading papers. But also dancing. Writing really good essays1. Making art --and yes, the fact that I drew today, made little sketchy doodles feels _incredible_.

There's a reason I'm so eager to show off my collection of little dinosaurs that I draw onto the whiteboard of my classroom each morning. I really like the act of creating, and I really like sharing that creation.

I just wish I were more able to get started with That Sort Of Thing more often. Do good, Kat. It feels good.


1: Oh no, it's probably arrogant of me to like the essay-thing I wrote the other night as much as I do. Don't actually care, because it feels like Racheline, and part of that involves feeling constructively angry.
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
Happy Trans Day of Visibility.

Today I went and found a hidden corner where no one else was around, and _sobbed_. Deep racking sobs, that echoed-bounced out around me into the empty air. Full body shaking-crying, the kind I need to do sometimes because dissociation only takes me so far and sometimes I just need to take the pain and hurt and actually feel it instead.

"It's ridiculous!" she said, perhaps shaking her head. "Did you know that with my sixth graders, I'm not allowed to split them into groups of boys and girls anymore?"

Listen, my cis friends: political correctness has not gone too far. When you say these things, when you roll your eyes, when you complain about how children need to learn to cope with being different and not expect the world to make room for them1, you are saying these things about me.

You are saying that I am inconvenient. You are saying that I am annoying, frustrating, too much, difficult for you to deal with. You are saying that it would be much easier if I did not exist. You are saying that I don't deserve to feel comfortable, that I don't deserve to feel safe, that I don't deserve to feel respected.

You are telling me that you do not want my honest self, that you do not want my accurate self, that you do not want my true self. You may tolerate parts, but you are not interested in the whole.

But Kat, we're talking about coddled children and overbearing parents not about you-- bite your tongue before you say that to my face. Because when you are talking about binary gender and when you are talking about how hard it is to remove binary gender from your vocabulary you are always talking about me.

How much earlier could I have known my truth, if it wasn't assumed for me?

It is Trans Day of Visibility, and even on a day like today, I have the weight of my assignment2 forced upon my shoulders to remind me that Good Girls Aren't Here. Which is why, when you say that you wish not to deal with me, I respond by granting your wish. I have spent decades learning how to hide, I am very good at finding the dark and hidden corners of every building I've ever been in. You will never see me cry.

When I hear the hallway door swing and your footstep towards the bathroom, the desperate echoing sound of my pain ceases, and my breathing becomes silent. My name on your tongue does not earn you a response, I will reappear on my own terms, with my eyes blank and my cheeks red. I will not tell you why I disappear, my trust comes only with my truth and we both know how you feel about that.

I am able to survive in spaces where I don't feel safe. I have to be, that's everywhere. But it doesn't stop me wishing that maybe the next group of children to grow under your eye will get to do it honestly. Or maybe the children after that. Or after that?

Happy Trans Day of Visibility. I'm sorry I still can't be seen.


1: Strictly speaking, this line was because of allergies, not gender, but it was the same conversation, and it's hard not to hear it as a reminder of how much easier it would be if I would just stop, thanks.

2: You may spit as you say this word, I did.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Okay, so like, I started today with a weird nightmare about how I couldn't turn my alarm off. Which did include a very exciting path of "I'm awake! I must have been dreaming that previous I can turn off my alarm for real. No wait! I'm still dreaming! Now I can wake up and turn off my alarm for real. No wait!..." It was...fairly realistic --I remember at one point the feel of the corner of my desk digging into my hip, and the song from my alarm was exact (perhaps because through all of this my alarm *was* going off and so my unconscious just wove the tune in).

In retrospect, it's a much more terrifying nightmare than it was in the moment. Oh sure, it was frustrating and panic-inducing during the time (rarr, alarm is going off, how annoying!) but it didn't really strike me until later that the whole "every time I wake up, I'm still in the dream" is a very effective hell.


Anyways, the rest of my day was much better. I had a...pretty accomplishy day at school, actually. I spent one of my preps doing bullshit phone game, but in my defense, blahhhh. I spent the other prep grading Algebra tests, and then after school I worked with a student and did grading, and then did ALL THE GRADING. Seriously, I was more-or-less on task until about 6PM, which's a lot. Not a twelve hour day, but close.

Roundabouts fourish, Austin pinged me to see if I wanted to go with him tonight on a Spontaneous Steve Reich Adventure1. There was a performance at Harvard of Drumming, so I got to sit not-very-far from the stage and watch a dozen musicians make some very good music by phasing in and out with each other on different percussive instruments. It was a lot of fun! I feel very cultured now.

After, we got ice cream with a friend of his from college (who had also been at the performance), where there was lots of talk about Cool Sciency Stuff, specifically Austin and Friend's work. Me and her English PhD umfriend did a lot of happy smiling and nodding. I feel pretty cultured from that too.

(Occasionally I get kinda morose about how smart I'm not.I hang with a lot of heavy STEM PhDs and doctoral candidates and grad students and WOW do I not know anything about science, like ever. Often I can push myself to be not-morose about it, (tonight was fine and great) but it's...definitely a thing. I *like* that all my friends are smarter2 than me, but even when it definitely isn't, it can feel like a value judgement.)

Austin appreciates that I am curious and willing to ask lots of very basic and dumb questions about things like "what instrument is that" and "okay, well then if that's what people think is a xylophone, what's a xylophone then?" I appreciate that he appreciates this, and also that he's willing to answer my very basic and dumb questions about music. ("glockenspiel" and "wooden glockenspiel" respectively).

This meant that we had a lovely bike ride home to his place from Harvard while talking about the high points of the piece. I was able to thrash about the random sounds I liked, and he could give me actual musical names for some of the cool parts. Also, I could roll my eyes at him being blasé that their encore was Clapping Music, because damnit, I've never actually seen Clapping Music performed live, and it was cool! I know he saw it just a few weeks ago, but nyahhhh!

So overall, an accomplishy day and a good night. Now I'm off to bed, to get up Way Too Early in the morning and create a math test and other such nonsense. Goodnight!


1: A few weeks ago, Austin got to go on a Spontaneous Steve Reich Adventure to see a performance of Music for 18 Musicians. I mentioned to him that he should invite me along the next time, and the next time turned out to three weeks later! So here we are!

2: "Smart" is a bullshit concept that does not adequately cover the vast spectrum of ways that humans can excel in things, nor does it have anything to do with kindness, which is a subjectively more important trait. Also I had the highest IQ in my high school Psychology class and I routinely kick ass at standardized tests without trying, so, you know. I am smar3.

3: When I was younger, I had a Daria book. The quote from it that has stuck with me is "Smart is not a four letter word. That would be smar."
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Wheeeeeew. That was a scary moment there, when certain websites would just...straight up not load for me. 750words, Dreamwidth, and Venmo(?) were down. Facebook and Twitter and Gmail were all up. It felt not unlike the fears we all should have about losing net neutrality, and I didn't like it.

(thankfully, quitting and restarting Chrome seems to have fixed it up, so I hardly need to panic at all.)

Today was good-ish. Once I got home around four, I accomplished absolutely nothing more taxing or useful than watching *several* episodes of bakeshow. I finished the series I was on, and just began the next --having watched only one episode, I'm quite psyched for this one! One of the benefits of The Great British Bake-Off is that the season is framed quite empathically and kindly, such that you really find yourself caring for just about everyone in the tent. But this season in particular seems to be just chock-a-block full of adorable cuties, who I wish to take home and have a nice chat with over tea and have them teach me to make biscuits.

(Also a couple hotties for whom my intentions are much less pure, except not really, because I don't really do very much of that kind of fantasy. But the aesthetic appreciation is there!)

Anyways "not doing anything useful" generally does not make me feel The Best, but last night was reasonably accomplished, so I can feel better there, and this week upcoming will hopefully be a good one. The last three days of last week were fairly spot on, so here's hoping I can continue that somewhat. Starting with the fact that I'm out of birth control1, 2, so I _need_ to hit up the pharmacy tomorrow lest I start menstruating.

I also really ought to clean my room at some point in the next week. Conveniently, I should actually be living in it for the next several days, so I just need to like...have the barest ounce of motivation to get started. HM.

Anywho, the earlier part of today was quite nice, and involved good service ringing, a pokemon raid, and helping to wax the floor of the ringing chamber at Old North. I really like being part of a group doing cleaning tasks, it turns out nearly all cleaning tasks are actually charming and fun to do, so long as you're not forced to do them on your own. Bonus points for music and or singing, but even just eight ringers crammed in a room each taking a strip of the floor makes the job go quite quickly.

Hope you're well!


1: I mean, technically I have the week of "period-time!" pills so there's a low dose I could be taking for maintenance sake, but um, see point two.

2: The major job of my birth control pills is not actually to prevent pregnancy3, it's to prevent dysphoria. I...don't like menstruation. It does not work for me, as a bodily function, and is one of only about three things4 that can actually make me feel physically (as opposed to socially) gender dysphoric. So I get the three month kind and then chain those together and so I haven't had a period, September '17? Not bad.

3: I am a pretty damn low pregnancy risk, because sex =/= intercourse.

4: Images of me without my glasses (I will post occasional selfies thus, but you can't take pictures of me like that), being forced to wear all white. I suppose the glasses isn't strictly gender-based, but the white absolutely is, both because of some of the societal connotations and the circumstances in which it's happened in the past.


Mar. 16th, 2019 09:31 pm
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So, two separate people asked for clarification about my "Egoist" playlist. My initial comment was thus:

*Refound my "Egoist" playlist, which needs basically no editing, and is fairly perfect for staving off attacks of inadequacy.

See, a thing about me is that I really quite like creating playlists! I like finding common themes among my music and creating that into little collections to stumble into when necessary. The premise of the "Egoist" list is the idea that I am big, I am glorious, I am fantastic, and I should be LOUD AND PROUD AND HAPPY about all that.

(Because those of us who are Zaphodic in our ego, tend to need a reminder of this on the regular. Especially given that I have been struggling _hard_ with inadequacy lately, it seems extra important to start listening to all this again.)

In the order I added them to the list:

  • I Am Perfect, from the Horrible Turn soundtrack. Horrible Turn is a fan-made full-length musical prequel to Doctor Horrible, and it's *amazing*. I love it as much or more as the original. This song is sung by Kenneth Hammerstein. YEP!

  • Die Vampire, Die!, from [Title of Show]. "A vampire is any person, or thought, or feeling that stands between you and your creative self-expression."

  • Nine People's Favourite Thing, from [Title of Show]. I...don't always agree with this sentiment actually (being a hundred people's ninth favourite thing might honestly be enough to get by) but it's an important reminder that you're not gonna be everyone's perfect cuppa, but for those whom you are...woo baby, you are *it*!

  • Addicted to Bad Ideas, by the World/Inferno Friendship Society. W/IFS is one of my favourite bands, and they are a frequent guest on various playlists. The song sings "Because I can, because no one can stop me" and I sing along.

  • As Cool As I Am, by Dar Williams. If you are from Bryn Mawr, you might know this song from it's chorus, "I will not be afraid of women". I've said this point-blank to a boyfriend1's face before, when he tried to use other girls against me. Fuck that.

  • Bad Reputation, by Joan Jett. Obviously.

  • Cheshire Kitten, by S.J. Tucker, noted goddess and principal purveyor of my own sanity. The first time I heard this song was the same concert where I finally came to the conclusion that if I danced, maybe I wouldn't cry2.

  • Consequence Free, by Great Big Sea. I don't really know why this one is on, and "When I am King" isn't. Weird choice, past!Kat

  • The Creation of Man, from The Scarlet Pimpernel. I am proud to say I've got this one mostly memorized, especially the fast part. It's a delightful song!

  • Dutch, by Dessa. This...doesn't actually belong on this list, but I originally made this playlist years ago, and only got around to creating the "I am so angry at men" list this year. Anyways, deleted, moving along.

  • Everybody's Got The Right, from Assassins. This is the one I was quoting on Twitter the other day, with the reminder that if *everyone*'s got the right to some sunshine, that means me too.

  • The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades, by Timbuk3. Fun fact! This song is officially inextricably bound with the joy of having my career. It turned up totally on random as I was riding home one day near the end of my teaching practicum, a few weeks before graduating college, and I could see the future I wanted unwinding in front of me. It is the noise I piped into my ears biking to the first day at the private school and the first song I played when I walked into a classroom of my very own this year.

    One year, one quarter, three weeks. I gotta wear shades.

  • Level Up, by Vienna Teng. You know, the *other* goddess in my mind, and the other source of musical sanity in my life. This song is _so good_ and hasn't stopped being so at any point since she released it.

  • Raise Your Glass, by P!nk. WRONG IN ALL THE RIGHT WAYS because yesssss I need that. The only problem is that because jere7my wrote me an (amazing) filk of this about Fury Road, I have two sets of lyrics.

  • Roar, by Katy Perry. Okay, like, I'm not *ashamed* of my musical choices, but yeah, let's move on.

  • Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You), by Kelly Clarkson. One of the extremely rare occasions where I was driving a car without any of my own music led to me hearing this on the radio and immediately becoming charmed.

And of course

  • Egoist, by Falco. I mean, if I'm going to name the playlist for a song, I really ought to include that song. I'd never bothered to find a translation before, but uh, yeah. That's spot on.

Just today, while puttering with it, I added JoCo's "I Feel Fantastic" and s00j's "Little Bird". But yeah. That's the core of it.

What songs do you listen to to reaffirm that you are one powerful creature?


1: Now ex.

2: I sob at s00j's voice. Like, "tear-up during the sound check". It's absurd.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Today was a surprisingly productive day!

There was bells, and before bells there was challah french toast (yum, decadent as hell). Part of bells today was pre-cleaning the ringing chamber so we can wax the floor tomorrow, which meant I got to climb on things I hadn't climbed on before. I always approve of this kind of nonsense.

After bells was bells lunch and then I went off on an Adventure with [personal profile] choco_frosh and Austin and Ricky. We broke into1 Ricky's office and collaboratively learned how to long-splice the rope that broke at Advent a couple weeks ago. (Frosh mostly knew, but the internet was a Good Refresher for all of us). That was fun times, and then we wound up hanging out in Ricky's office for like half an hour being nosy while he showed us all the cool things he's accumulated over fifteen-plus years of having his own office.

Maybe my absolute favourite way to get to know someone is to poke around in their space and be nosy about all the interesting things they've got. I am also *more than* happy to show people This Cool Thing I've Got, which is a small part of why I carry around random toys and interesting rocks and stuff. So this was a wonderful adventure for me!

Finally we wandered home, where Austin set to work on his taxes, and I prepared my lesson plans for the next two weeks of Scottish Class2. I am proud(?) to say that 11/12 dances of the next two weeks are from the list of dances I might be called upon to teach for my exam in June. BAM. I AM TREATING THIS CANDIDACY SERIOUSLY, YA HEAR?!

And now it is late and Austin is cooking pizzabagels and I am writing my words3 and things are cozy and nice. I hope I can continue to push this vague "accomplishing stuff" thing forward even more.


1: He opened the door with his keycard and said yo to his coworker as we strolled past into an empty conference room.

2: Yes this includes Monday-two-days-from-now. No this is not remotely acceptable and I owe my musician a beer.

3: I don't think I've mentioned recently, today will be day 99 of consecutively writing at least 750words, every day. This is my longest streak since Feb-Jul 2015 (160 days)

2015 was the year I wrote 98.9% of days (I missed four, according to my notes), and I'm not like...consciously trying to beat that, but yanno. I'm not against it. At any rate, a lot of my life is anxiety and trash right now so it's good to have something stable and steady.

I continue to be fucking terrified of what it's going to do to me when I inevitably eventually miss a day. (Captain Marvel probably has some things to say to me on that account.)
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Today there was only one task accomplished because I wound up spontaneously going to an early St. Paddys day pub crawl with some of the teachers from school. It was fun! It was fun, and it was social, and I got to talk/listen about sex ed with the biology teachers and got to enjoy the overwhelming Maureenness of Maureen0, and it was nice.

I mentioned in passing to Kayla that I didn't drink, she asked why, then caught herself and said something like "that's very personal, sorry". I told her it wasn't traumatic or anything, I just don't enjoy being tipsy or drunk and I'm a lightweight. Later in the conversation she said something about how admirable it was that I was willing to come out on pub crawls anyway, and just like...yes?

Like, it would be a totally different situation if I had an alcoholic history, or bad family associations with alcohol, but like... it's not brave or daring or whatever of me to come socialize with my coworkers? Not even if we're at a bar and they're drinking but I'm not? It's coworkers (some of whom are vaguely friend-shaped, if not actual friends1) and I standing around chatting, and yes they're drinking but like...that doesn't actually change the social parameters super much?

I mean, it is a true fact that I don't want to be around people who are drunk, because drunk folk are usually less controlled. I've said before there's a difference between self-discipline and self-control, and I only have one of those traits. People who aren't in control of themselves make me uncomfortable, because it's foreign to me.

What do you mean you haven't spent years and years being too loud and too clumsy and too much and therefore perfecting the art of tucking in your voice and elbows and emotions so that you don't bother anyone?

The other interesting conversation was when [Bio student teacher whose name I can't remember, aug] asked me about living in other countries, and I told her I didn't think I was brave enough to try it. She asked why not, and when a latina with clear-but-accented English asks you why you're not brave enough to live in another country, you need to put actual thought into your answer, and answer it well.

I did well enough for conversation2, and well enough for me, but it makes me feel weird and guilty and wrong sometimes that I don't wish to live outside the United States, and don't actually have a particularly strong wanderlust for out-of-country travel either. Plus, the US is already so fascinating and different as you go from bit to bit of it, I haven't finished poking around all the corners here yet!

Anyways, it was a nice unexpected social at the end of a _very_ long week.


0: One of my favourite teachers at the school! We had outside duty together first quarter, and could socialize while telling the kids to get out of school already, which makes it weird and a little sad to suddenly switch to never seeing her for the last four months. Alas, she works on the fourth floor and I in the basement and never shall our paths cross!

1: I have found that I would like to be friends with many of my coworkers, but I'm an agender, polyamorous, queer and until and unless I can not explicitly lie about that to someone, I don't think I can really consider them an actual "friend" (and not in the weird way Facebook uses the term...although almost none of my coworkers are my Facebook friends anyways).

This will likely shift after I gain professional status and become harder to fire. One year, one quarter, and three weeks. Sigh.

2: For reference, because I don't know a significant enough population anywhere outside the US and making friends is hard, and because I'm rubbish at languages and really like conversations and don't want to resign myself to a long time learning how to speak again.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Stuff I accomplished yesterday:

*Worked nearly twelve hours, including...
**Finished grading ALL the backlog of Entrance Tickets
**Re-sorted my grading into easy to find and use piles (as opposed to arbitrary and daunting piles)
**Got Observed by my boss and also my sideboss and also their advisor for the boss-training thing they're doing
**Went to a PD meeting for The Calculus Project, which is the district-wide plan to help underserved populations of seventh graders get on track to take Calculus their senior year (it's rad)
**Went to a PD meeting for math department and spent time researching performance based assessments and reading math pedagogy blogs, which remains one of my favourites
*Went to bells and rang inside of Plain Bob Triples. Danielle said I didn't miss any dodges, which means that I hilariously tricked her. She also said I need to get all the way back to sevenths place properly, which yeah, valid
*Also saw a friend who I like a lot and haven't seen since Pinewoods!

Stuff I accomplished today:
*Worked nearly twelve hours, including...
**For the first time basically all quarter, did attendance, participation, and entrance tickets *before* the school day ended.
**Graded the Alg1 functions tests that apparently are dated February first Ughghhhhhhhhh
**Graded the Data Analysis resume projects that were due at the end of last week
**Worked for over an hour one-on-one with my really smart and competent student who has not been in class all quarter because anxiety.
**Also like five minutes one-on-one with a different student who just wanted me to check the worksheet they did in-class so he could use it as a model for his homework I LOVE THIS STUDENT SO MUCH also he only had one tiny mistake, and it was easy to help him fix.
**Met with my Data Analysis co-teacher and sat down with our calendars and my curriculum map and planned out what we're teaching for the rest of the year (!!)
*Refound my "Egoist" playlist, which needs basically no editing, and is fairly perfect for staving off attacks of inadequacy.
*Double-checked, edited, and sent out about 150 emails letting people know their accepted/waitlisted status for Scottish Pinewoods.
*Did some enthusiastic Facebook posting about same.

As might be expected, I've come up with a new dumb "defeat the ADHD" game. It's worked for a whopping two days, so I think I have about a day-and-a-half more before it falls over and I can't use it anymore.

(Someday I should make a public sharable archive of all of these, so we can like...swap our stupid gamifications in and out for ones that work.)

I've also restarted using the Forest app Dr. Lauren mentioned on twitter ages ago. I've been cycling back to it since like...August, and it keeps being a useful tool. Just gotta someday find consistency.

Still not king.



sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Katarina Whimsy

April 2019

 1 23 45 6
7 89 10 111213
14 151617 181920
21 22 2324252627


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Apr. 24th, 2019 12:25 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios