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Took a look at deadlines. Turns out only one of my classes is a grad class, and therefore has grades due on the ninth. Everything else has grades due on the fourteenth. This isn't perfect, and I still have to get a lot done in a little time, but it's more time than previously realized. I'm back to the point where I'm thinking maybe I can do this and actually graduate.
And then find a job and an apartment and a job and an apartment1 and join the real world and plan my summer and all the little tiny things I want to do.
Not gonna lie, part of me wants to just vanish for a length of time. Take a week-month-quarter-year where I officially declare myself to have no obligation to anyone. It would kill my social life, and be cruel to those who love me. It's still a temptation. I just want a break.
I haven't written in a long time. Seriously, if you're on the sexfilter, you've got access to about 80%2 of everything I've written these past two or three weeks. I don't know if I can get across how rare that is. Usually there are essays, there are stories, there is BehindtheWalls and 750words and notebooks upon notebooks and just...words. Blessed safe words, to protect me and help me find what I need.
And it's not there right now. My internship is destroying me --classes, being so _busy_ so _overwhelmed_ is destroying me. I love teaching, I love my career, I think I could be so good at this.
Do I have to sacrifice who I was to become who I will be? How can I balance my selves until I find the right spot of who I am? I miss writing -actively, seriously miss it- but when I find myself at a computer, there is all the echoes of What I Should Do that are so much stronger and truer. They choke the words.
And I do not wish to be enslaved to a box anyways.
Hopefully the summer will calm down, and I will find the time to write. I need it, to remain familiar with who and what I am.
I've inadvertently put thought into an OKCupid account, despite the crucial problem that they've no provisions for those of us who aren't just "male" or "female". I hate empty profiles, is all, and in writing things for there, I can write things about myself, and see if I can better identify who I am.
Also, it's the first space on the internet that belongs first to Erik, then to Kat. Oh sure, most spaces belong to Sor, and she is neither one nor the other, but when not Sor, then it more often defaults to the more common name, and gender, and identity. It's nice to give Erik a place of his own sometimes.
Soon I have to teach again, take the lesson I stumbled through and see if I can do a better job. Though in truth, the students know all I'm teaching, I just have to put it together for them. Help them put it together themselves. This is doable.
I've been writing materials for a first day, things to put in my portfolio and show to employers. It's an assignment for school, sure, but it's also actually fun, a good thing to think about. As part and parcel, I have written my first syllabus.
It's a game. Can I get through without ever once providing gender to myself, nor drawing attention to that fact. Currently, I'm winning.
I'm going to get this done. And I'm going to graduate on time. There will be family and food and cheering and then friends and drinks and reminiscence and I will not get a chance to be alone and break down and sob with relief and joy until much too late at night. But that's okay.
It's a thing, and I am going to make it happen. I can do that sometimes.
I am powerful, after all.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: This is not redundancy. I have a couch I'll be sleeping on come early June, I need to find a job for the summer so I can afford an apartment for the summer so I can find a job for the fall so I can afford an apartment in the fall. This is my life right now.
2: Exempting school. And school has probably been 80% of my output the past couple weeks. Yep.
And then find a job and an apartment and a job and an apartment1 and join the real world and plan my summer and all the little tiny things I want to do.
Not gonna lie, part of me wants to just vanish for a length of time. Take a week-month-quarter-year where I officially declare myself to have no obligation to anyone. It would kill my social life, and be cruel to those who love me. It's still a temptation. I just want a break.
I haven't written in a long time. Seriously, if you're on the sexfilter, you've got access to about 80%2 of everything I've written these past two or three weeks. I don't know if I can get across how rare that is. Usually there are essays, there are stories, there is BehindtheWalls and 750words and notebooks upon notebooks and just...words. Blessed safe words, to protect me and help me find what I need.
And it's not there right now. My internship is destroying me --classes, being so _busy_ so _overwhelmed_ is destroying me. I love teaching, I love my career, I think I could be so good at this.
Do I have to sacrifice who I was to become who I will be? How can I balance my selves until I find the right spot of who I am? I miss writing -actively, seriously miss it- but when I find myself at a computer, there is all the echoes of What I Should Do that are so much stronger and truer. They choke the words.
And I do not wish to be enslaved to a box anyways.
Hopefully the summer will calm down, and I will find the time to write. I need it, to remain familiar with who and what I am.
I've inadvertently put thought into an OKCupid account, despite the crucial problem that they've no provisions for those of us who aren't just "male" or "female". I hate empty profiles, is all, and in writing things for there, I can write things about myself, and see if I can better identify who I am.
Also, it's the first space on the internet that belongs first to Erik, then to Kat. Oh sure, most spaces belong to Sor, and she is neither one nor the other, but when not Sor, then it more often defaults to the more common name, and gender, and identity. It's nice to give Erik a place of his own sometimes.
Soon I have to teach again, take the lesson I stumbled through and see if I can do a better job. Though in truth, the students know all I'm teaching, I just have to put it together for them. Help them put it together themselves. This is doable.
I've been writing materials for a first day, things to put in my portfolio and show to employers. It's an assignment for school, sure, but it's also actually fun, a good thing to think about. As part and parcel, I have written my first syllabus.
It's a game. Can I get through without ever once providing gender to myself, nor drawing attention to that fact. Currently, I'm winning.
I'm going to get this done. And I'm going to graduate on time. There will be family and food and cheering and then friends and drinks and reminiscence and I will not get a chance to be alone and break down and sob with relief and joy until much too late at night. But that's okay.
It's a thing, and I am going to make it happen. I can do that sometimes.
I am powerful, after all.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: This is not redundancy. I have a couch I'll be sleeping on come early June, I need to find a job for the summer so I can afford an apartment for the summer so I can find a job for the fall so I can afford an apartment in the fall. This is my life right now.
2: Exempting school. And school has probably been 80% of my output the past couple weeks. Yep.
