sorcyress | Entries tagged with kink

The Spider Monarch is a part of me that I haven't told anyone about yet.

I think I've hinted, once or twice, and named them in at least one thing I haven't posted yet (real helpful, right?). They first started to appear a little bit after Halloween last year. I can't always summon them, but when I can, they are currently one of the most powerful tools I am able to use.

They are a dom(me). They are gender neutral. You will refer to them as "Their/Your Majesty". They are not amused by excuses and have no time for procrastination. When you are actively in their web, you are expected to be listening to their instructions and Doing The Thing.

They would love to have more Little Spiders in their web. Right now I am the only one. You may think it's weird, that I can split myself like that, but I've had years to practice. I am very used to letting the other voices take over and be commanding. I am good at following commands. About the only problem I have is letting myself have the rewards that should be offered. It is hard to think of things that I am good enough to deserve, especially since, when I need to be following Their orders, I am likely to be more in the low places.

But learning how to accept rewards is a part of it. We cannot all be perfect all of the time. We cannot all be efficient, working, creating, making, doing all of the time. We need breaks. We deserve good things, especially if we can make a positive change in our worlds. The whole reason for the Spider Monarch is to help their Little Spiders create a positive change in our worlds.

You don't have to spend all your time in their web. You can choose when is the right time to be there, and when is not. You can tell them what you are trying to do, and how you can be punished and what good you should get as a reward. The Spider Monarch is not here to judge you, not for anything. They are here to help you try again, to balance the things you need with the things you want. They are here to help you up and remind you to take breaks.

I haven't been managing to schedule any time in their web, just sometimes realizing that I need to be acted on by a force greater than mySelf. I have an Indicator, a totem I wear to mark when I am theirs and will be focusing on the tasks they have set me (the tasks I have set myself).

So far it is working, a little. We will see if it continues to work.

~Sor
MOOP!

Crossposts: http://kdsorceress.livejournal.com/710580.html

I am pretty fucking good at giving myself aftercare.

I have to be. I belong to a mistress who is utterly uninterested in anything except the torture part, most days. She is cruel and relentless and the only way for me to make it stop is to run away from her, get a door between me and her fury. And when we play? Oh, she doesn't bother with hitting, like any decent top would, oh no, she likes discomfort a lot more, and goes straight into trying to make me so fucking unsteady and uncomfortable my brain stops thinking of anything besides "no."

I'm talking, of course, about Mama Nature, who has been my mistress and my patron goddess since before I knew what either of those terms meant. Some days, she's all smiles and sunshine, but when I least expect it...drowning rains, torrential snow, winds that cut through every seam of my clothing and turn my hands so numb I can't think. When I have the misfortune to be her plaything, it becomes the darkest sort of scene, one where it's not about enjoying myself, or even some sort of punishment/redemption arc. When she plays, the only goal I am permitted to have is survival, the stubborn urge that this will not defeat me.

(and just as I think that, she has a tendency to gust my skirt into being caught in my brakes, or changes the direction of the snow so it's straight into my eyes, or anything else that will beat down my soul and force me to call upon some hidden well of Cope, lest I break down, sobbing, out in the middle of a snowstorm.)

So I have to be pretty fucking good about picking up the pieces afterwards myself. Get into my room. Sob out the initial shock of being so stiff I almost can't open the door; so cold my lizard-brain slips into hibernation. Pick myself up once the worst of the sobbing is done, and take a warm shower, change my clothes (comfort, ritual, all that means). Find something nice to eat.

Write.

This is what I've been doing off and on for years, when the situation warrants it. Not just Mama Nature, but anything that dares to shake me out of sanity, push me to a bitter edge. My mistress's cold clutch, the realization of one more thing I need and can't afford, an assault on my meekness by a stranger, crappy day at work...and yes, even what aftercare is traditionally reserved for, a scene with someone who knows me less well than they should, or who plays a little harder than I was expecting. My sir is good and kind and takes the steps I need after, my intimate partners similarly inclined to hold me until the shock passes, but some others I play with... less so. That's okay. I don't need aftercare from anyone else, when it comes right down to it.

Cry. Ritual. Food. Write.

And then I have made myself whole again.

~R.
MOOP!

Crossposts: http://kdsorceress.livejournal.com/647802.html

So, I've decided to do Yuletide, despite having little-to-no experience in the world of internet fandom, and a nearly debilitating fear that I will do Everything Wrong and make the entire internet hate me. Or inadvertently find myself in the middle of OMGDRAMA.

Allegations that I just want to grow up to be Racheline someday are...well, completely true but have nothing to do with this. I just really like the concept of the Yuletide project, and anything that has a chance of getting me middlefic is a thing that I fully support.

Anyways. Dear person-who-is-writing-me-a-fic (Yulegoat? Why are you a Yulegoat? Oh dear, already this makes no sense!)

Hello there, lovely person who is going to write me a story! You are _super super nice_ and I just want to say thank you and also glee! about the fact that you are going to write a story just for me! That's really really cool.

I've never done this whole Yuletide thing before, and I'm not a huge fandom person (though I enjoy both writing and fannish things) and really, I'm quite concerned I am going to freak you out or something. (Mostly because one of my prompts was "genderswap mad science smut"¹) So, I hope I'm doing this mostly right --I've stolen the general format from

futuresoon, since she seems to be pretty savvy about this whole fandom thing².

( So, I think here is where I babble about more elaborate things for my stories? And try not to be too verbose, which tends to be difficult for me. Also, warning, allusions to porn and kink and stuff )

Again, I hope this wasn't _way way way_ too long, and I hope you're not utterly freaked out by me or whathaveyou and I hope the plot bunnies go forth and multiply and you can catch a nice one and write the story easily! Also, I hope you find a five dollar bill and can buy a nice coffee somewhere.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: To my friendslist, if you identified the fandom without peeking under the cut, I give you three gerbils and a tin of mints. :mgrin:

2: And if you ARE Futuresoon, well then. That would be _pretty damn amazing_ is all I'm saying. And I expect one bang-up story from you, young lady! Also, like I've been saying for basically forever, we should hang out sometime. What's going on your week of March 7-13th next year?

3: *blows a kiss towards MarcMagus*

So, there's this pretty cool thing called 750words, that I am trying to use as much as possible, because YAY WRITING!

But one of the results is that it starts to lead to partial writings. So I have a bunch of beginnings of things in my notes from the last week. And then

rm posts the "Work in Progress" meme, in which you post snippets from works in progress. Author's notes are, as always, in italics

( Sure, why the hell not! (warning, a couple of these are text-porn, and use dirty words) )

What are you currently working on? What do you think I ought to work on in a more organized manner, so you can actually read it?

~Sor
MOOP!

((A/N: I apologize, as this entry is *especially* meandery. I must be tired or something.))

Three years ago today.

Three years ago today, it was 2006. And I was looking for something, and found something else entirely.

That something else entirely was a journal, written by my clone. Among other things, it not so subtly said he loved me. Me, of all things, of all people. Crazy, confused, insecure little me.

It...started a very weird part of time for me. Not quite dating mek, but not really seeing Blue often enough to feel like we were even in our relationship. Everything got strained and confusing, and somewhere along the way, a word that I had heard whispered here or there pointed itself out to me: Polyamory.

I eventually broke, as I am inclined to do when I'm high on emotion and low on ability to deal, and talked to a friend about it all, and the end result of that was me giving mek a very firm "I've been really fucking confused, but we're just friends" talk. And things were weird between us for a while, but not very, and not for long, and we're both so good at masking ourselves that we pretended everything was perfectly alright between us. That word I had found got tucked firmly away, gnawing at the back of my mind.

The first person I ever came out to as polyamorous was Magus, which I inadvertently did via one of my first NancyButtons --"BiPolySwitch, I'm not indecisive, I'm greedy.¹". He asked me about the poly thing, and I may or may not have babbled something useless back. (I babble a lot around people I trust) I got the gist across though, certainly. I was poly. And breaking up with my partner in less than a month.

I was solidly single for about two months after that point, and while the next boy I went with accepted the poly thing (for reasons that would be really obvious if I was un-cryptic enough to properly explain who he was) the one after that, Ksatyr, didn't. No fault of his, at all --some people are monoamorous, some people are not. By the time Ksatyr and I broke up, I had pretty much figured out that I was solidly not.

I'm not going to swear I'll never be in a monoamorous relationship again, but I think it's somewhat unlikely to happen. I like people, more or less all of them, and if it's at all possible, several at a time. I'm really really happy where I am right now, with my complications and significant others and girlfriend-in-laws. I am connected to really really good people, and I like having that in my life.

So, three years ago today, my brain broke, with shock, and confusion, and weirdness. And, in putting itself back together, it realized one of the most important things about me that there is to know.

It's been a good three years for me.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Mom later forbade me from wearing the button, telling me only so much as that switch was not a thing I should be advertising. It took me bloody forever to figure out what the hell it meant --it's a BDSM term, meaning willing to play both Dom and Sub.

I'm not really in the BDSM scene at all --largely Not My Kink. But I, to a certain extent, both dom and sub relationships. I'm not indecisive. I'm greedy.

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Katarina Whimsy

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Spider Monarch
On self-sufficiency in the face of snowstorms
Dear Yulegoat
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X Years Ago Today

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MOOP!

The Rantings of a Terminal Optimist

Entries tagged with kink

Spider Monarch

On self-sufficiency in the face of snowstorms

Dear Yulegoat

(no subject)

X Years Ago Today