I am in love with a boy called Sparr.
Apr. 12th, 2012 05:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressTrigger warning: Emotional abuse, possibly touching on sexual abuse.
So, I was once in an emotionally abusive relationship, and it sucked.
One of the things that would happen was that I would upset them, and to make up for it, I would post loving things publicly on the internet. I would declare my love, to them or the world! Because it would make them feel better, it would make them understand that I really did love them, and I didn't mean to hurt them, and I'm very very sorry and I won't fuck up again, and please stop crying, and why am I so awful?
Seriously. If you're in an abusive relationship, do what you can to get the fuck out. I will help.
Now, the emotionally abusive part of the relationship lasted much longer than the relationship did, and so there was this one time when they decided to blackmail me. Either I would friends lock my entire livejournal and remove them from my friendslist (Note: They had already removed *me* from their friendslist --if they wanted to read my journal, they had to _go to the page themselves._ Apparently they weren't capable of not going to my page.) so they wouldn't see any posts about my new relationships, OR, they would tell mom that they and I had been doing some version of fucking.
I did the logical thing, and told mom that they and I had been doing some version of fucking. And that I was telling her specifically so I couldn't be blackmailed with it. I was very angry. Mom was far more understanding than I deserve sometimes.
I already hadn't really been talking about my relationships in my livejournal, because that seemed to be the sort of thing that would cause more drama. But this cemented it --despite not wanting them to control me, I even less wanted them to know that I was dating both the people they had accused me of cheating1 on them with. We were trying to be friends, you understand. I didn't want to hurt them any farther, after already damaging them so much. I am an awful person, you see. Cruel. Incapable of true love. A prude, and because of this, no one would ever want to date me.
1: I believe the closest I have ever come to cheating was when I said something offhand to one of my boys about another, and the first boy expressed confusion/shock in that he hadn't realized me and the latter were as intimate/involved as we were. I then explained the nature of the relationship, and it was all good. Also, that was not with the abusive ex.)
And so it was well over a year before I ever admitted in even the most casual sense that I had a new partner. And I never really put out a lot of squee, and in the time since, I've still not really put out a lot of squee about my partners. Lots of that is just from being older and more mature and not needing to be "OMGEE!" all the time like a giddy high schooler, but some of it is the lessons I have learned. You don't write about the people you are in love with --not just that. You don't do it because it will hurt other people2. You don't do it because it will hurt yourself, later, when you find the references. You don't do it because there is the memory of discomfort, of being forced, and you do not want anything to cross your brain that feels so slimy-wrong.
2: And admittedly, this is still a thing I worry about --if I post squee about one of my partners, must I then post squee about all the others? No. No, that is not how I want my relationships to be. If my loves cannot accept that I still love them, even when I am head-over-heels squeeing over a different love, then that is a problem, and something they and I should work on. So know the rest of you, that I mean no offense with this post, and that I still find you worth adoring.
But there's two ways to keep my brain from feeling slimy-wrong. One of them is to never ever be triggered again, by anything, and that's impossible. The other is to scar over the mental wounds. Wrap them in better memories, in better recollections. When I am triggered, I want to remember not what that one awful person did to me, but what all the lovely people who make me feel safe and special have done since.
So have something I do not do very often: A public, explicit(for I speak often in crypticism and generalities) declaration of love.
Sparr has moved to Boston. To be with me. And it will be weird and strange, and take work and practise and balancing. We will have to find what the right distance is to hold our introvert selves sane, while still being able to be together in a way that I've never had, not really.
I can't stop smiling.
I am in love. And he is in love, and we are in love. And while I've never believed in forever, not even at my youngest and most romantic, this is really good, and has only gotten better in the two years we've been together.
Everything is changing. I love you, Sparr mein leibling, and I look forward to what happens next.
I am no longer in abusive relationships. Things seem better this way.
~Sor
MOOP!
Bi-directional trigger warnings are in this season: Emotional abuse, possibly touching on sexual abuse.
So, I was once in an emotionally abusive relationship, and it sucked.
One of the things that would happen was that I would upset them, and to make up for it, I would post loving things publicly on the internet. I would declare my love, to them or the world! Because it would make them feel better, it would make them understand that I really did love them, and I didn't mean to hurt them, and I'm very very sorry and I won't fuck up again, and please stop crying, and why am I so awful?
Seriously. If you're in an abusive relationship, do what you can to get the fuck out. I will help.
Now, the emotionally abusive part of the relationship lasted much longer than the relationship did, and so there was this one time when they decided to blackmail me. Either I would friends lock my entire livejournal and remove them from my friendslist (Note: They had already removed *me* from their friendslist --if they wanted to read my journal, they had to _go to the page themselves._ Apparently they weren't capable of not going to my page.) so they wouldn't see any posts about my new relationships, OR, they would tell mom that they and I had been doing some version of fucking.
I did the logical thing, and told mom that they and I had been doing some version of fucking. And that I was telling her specifically so I couldn't be blackmailed with it. I was very angry. Mom was far more understanding than I deserve sometimes.
I already hadn't really been talking about my relationships in my livejournal, because that seemed to be the sort of thing that would cause more drama. But this cemented it --despite not wanting them to control me, I even less wanted them to know that I was dating both the people they had accused me of cheating1 on them with. We were trying to be friends, you understand. I didn't want to hurt them any farther, after already damaging them so much. I am an awful person, you see. Cruel. Incapable of true love. A prude, and because of this, no one would ever want to date me.
1: I believe the closest I have ever come to cheating was when I said something offhand to one of my boys about another, and the first boy expressed confusion/shock in that he hadn't realized me and the latter were as intimate/involved as we were. I then explained the nature of the relationship, and it was all good. Also, that was not with the abusive ex.)
And so it was well over a year before I ever admitted in even the most casual sense that I had a new partner. And I never really put out a lot of squee, and in the time since, I've still not really put out a lot of squee about my partners. Lots of that is just from being older and more mature and not needing to be "OMGEE!" all the time like a giddy high schooler, but some of it is the lessons I have learned. You don't write about the people you are in love with --not just that. You don't do it because it will hurt other people2. You don't do it because it will hurt yourself, later, when you find the references. You don't do it because there is the memory of discomfort, of being forced, and you do not want anything to cross your brain that feels so slimy-wrong.
2: And admittedly, this is still a thing I worry about --if I post squee about one of my partners, must I then post squee about all the others? No. No, that is not how I want my relationships to be. If my loves cannot accept that I still love them, even when I am head-over-heels squeeing over a different love, then that is a problem, and something they and I should work on. So know the rest of you, that I mean no offense with this post, and that I still find you worth adoring.
But there's two ways to keep my brain from feeling slimy-wrong. One of them is to never ever be triggered again, by anything, and that's impossible. The other is to scar over the mental wounds. Wrap them in better memories, in better recollections. When I am triggered, I want to remember not what that one awful person did to me, but what all the lovely people who make me feel safe and special have done since.
So have something I do not do very often: A public, explicit(for I speak often in crypticism and generalities) declaration of love.
Sparr has moved to Boston. To be with me. And it will be weird and strange, and take work and practise and balancing. We will have to find what the right distance is to hold our introvert selves sane, while still being able to be together in a way that I've never had, not really.
I can't stop smiling.
I am in love. And he is in love, and we are in love. And while I've never believed in forever, not even at my youngest and most romantic, this is really good, and has only gotten better in the two years we've been together.
Everything is changing. I love you, Sparr mein leibling, and I look forward to what happens next.
I am no longer in abusive relationships. Things seem better this way.
~Sor
MOOP!
Bi-directional trigger warnings are in this season: Emotional abuse, possibly touching on sexual abuse.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
on 2012-04-12 10:05 pm (UTC)Here, have extra Ferret Hgugles because you are so very totally awesome ^_^
no subject
on 2012-04-12 10:28 pm (UTC)(also, thanks for the trigger warning. My ex said the same things about/to me. SO GLAD he's out of my life.)
no subject
on 2012-04-13 05:49 am (UTC)no subject
on 2012-04-12 10:17 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2012-04-12 11:59 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2012-04-13 04:12 am (UTC)no subject
on 2012-04-13 02:10 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2012-04-13 02:39 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2012-04-13 03:31 pm (UTC)Also, in case I totally forgot: BARCC walk for change info!
Registration: http://www.firstgiving.com/barcc/7th-annual-walk-for-change
Alternatively, since I can't remember our conversation at all, just that I would link you things, sponsoring me is here:
http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/shoshana-effron/7th-annual-walk-for-change
no subject
on 2012-04-13 06:27 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2012-04-13 07:47 pm (UTC)Yay to Sparr moving north!
Yay to love!
no subject
on 2012-04-13 11:39 pm (UTC)With that said?
This was awesome. I applaud and celebrate both your expression of love and your determination to scar and heal.
no subject
on 2012-04-21 02:06 pm (UTC)