MOOP!

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

Work:
*The usual!
*Honestly pretty triumphant for a Monday, without totally endless prepping or anything like that. Classes went well, flow of information good, yadda yadda.
*Green Club meeting was...small, but happened!

Body:
*Did a little bit of self-care and came home after school and rested real serious-like.
*Woke up for reals on second-alarm, which is pretty close
*Danced three dances, including a strathspey where I was really focusing on my footwork, which is always fun.
*Kept my wrist wrapped for much of the day, which helped(?) it? Wrapping in the ace bandage definitely didn't hurt anything!
*Obtained more meds from the pharmacy! Yayyyyy!

Social:
*Got to hang with jere7my and talk art and generally be silly together on the ride in to dance.
*At dance, spent some nice time sitting and chatting with Clara while she did some PT on her feet. Later we danced together, yay!
*Also got to dance with Neil McBadmotherfucker (as he is still designated in my phone), which is just..splendid! He hasn't shown up in a Right Age, and it's really lovely to see him around again.
*Lovely new guy from last week did not show up, but I did get to dance with a nice new guy this week who has reels down very very well and claims to have no other dance experience. His name is Ye, and I did not catch how he came to Scottish (mysTEERious)

Personal:
*Pushed through and did the emails
*Pushed through and am finishing words
*Came to an Important Conclusion regarding my future, and can now start moving forward with the rest of my life.

Wheee! Hope your Monday was nice and you are well rested for the week ahead!

~Sor
MOOP!

Stuff that makes me happy:

• Skipping down Mass Ave singing aloud to "Raise your Glass"


• Also, sitting at Vera and rocking out to Raise your Glass in a quiet sort of "not-disturbing the roommate or housemates with LOUD PUNK MUSIC NOW PLEASE" way.


• Telling a boy my standard line of "because I don't deserve nice things" and having him grab me and kiss me, hard.


• Conversations.


• Particularly with the capital C


• Secrets.


• Creation!


• The fact that the HTML for this list does what I want it to.


• The e-mail with photos in it that I just received


• Theoretically. It will make me happy, when I actually get it.


• Ah, there we go! Yeah, totally.


• Riding my bike through a snowstorm, partly because of how ludicrously stupid it is, and partly because it makes me feel like such a badass.


• Something incredibly long that boils down to "I like dating people who view me as a series of buttons and switches to push in the right order such to repair prior damage". Because sometimes that actually works. I'm as startled as you!


• Also, Emily. Who it occurs to me, has not met a single boy I'm currently dating. Part of me wants to keep it that way.


• Mr. Crepe serving as a temporary Joey's. No, I'm not going to explain this. It was productive. Also, crepes.


• Something that maybe four people on my entire collective friends-lists from everywhere would actually get, and sensitive enough that I don't want to just toss it out there. No, I specifically don't want you to ask about this one unless I bring it up first. Sorry sir.


• Having my needs overlap with the needs of the people I need.


• Communication.


• Knowing that I'm the alpha, regardless of how broken or weak or fragile I seem and am. I don't care that you can render me to tears sometimes, when I am in myself, I am a force of personality not to be reckoned with.


• And that goes for the beasts in my head, too. It's always been funny to watch Gabe and Hyde quarrel when I've already won that position.


• Wearing my armor. What my armor is in the first place.


• And it seems suitable to end this post with "that goblin I'm friends with who appears to currently be covered in more glitter than David Bowie". Lex, you are of course awesome. And make me want to rock the hell out with you.

~Sor
MOOP!

Oh hey, I never posted this. It seems pretty readable, so have an essay that's been lying around on my desktop for a couple weeks. I think I wrote it just post-NEFFA or so.

---

So, I don't shave my legs.

(I don't shave my armpits either, but it's a little easier to hide that --I can wear t-shirts all summer. There is weather where pants *really* aren't an option.)

I've never shaved --never really seen the point. My general feeling about it is that the only thing it really accomplishes is boy attraction, and therefore falls into the same category of "completely fucking useless" as wearing make-up does. When I was of an age to learn how and get into the habit, I was also of an age where boys were useless and relationships impossible. For just post-pubescent Sorcyress, boy chasing was the furthest thing from my mind.

As I've gotten older, actually accepted that maybe this relationship idea is not all bad all the time, and started to (on occasion) do things specifically to attract boys^{1, 2}, I've still never bothered to shave my legs. Between the feministy stance and the much larger "I am lazy and a little bit of a perfectionist and I don't want to waste my time doing that to the degree I'd want to" stance, I've just never gotten around to it.

This would not be a problem, were I not a little bit self conscious of my hairy self. Okay, a lot self conscious. I try really quite hard to love my body just the way it is, but as with the stomach thing (mine is round, not flat), I live in a society that has made it very very clear that my body is NOT PERFECT and I should therefore try to fix it.

This is obviously bullshit. The clearest reason I can see for having a societally perfect body is so I can catch myself a man. Maybe if I get to a point where I can't rattle off without thinking the names of ten guys³ who would happily have sloppy make-outs with me I'll shave and start binge-dieting like it's going out of style⁶, but in the meantime, I think I can live comfortably with my really quite awesomely hot body just as it is.

Now, almost a year ago, something in my attitudes changed. Prior to this, I tended to wear a lot of tights, a lot of pants, yes, all summer long. Tank tops would only be worn with an open button-up shirt over them. Society couldn't make me take a razor to skin⁷, but it could at least make me hide the fact that I didn't.

So, a year ago, I was driving somewhere with my friend Jim. It was recockulously hot out, because it was summer in Maryland, and I was wearing shorts. At one point in the conversation, he commented, and I gave my usual "I am lazy and a feminist and therefore don't bother" answer. His response? Totally without mocking "You go girl."

My brain clicked into place, and more or less all was right with the world. That was about the point of my life where I started actively trying to be better about loving my body like it deserves. I've stopped wearing tights when I know damn well they'll be too warm, short skirts are even less the enemy than before, and while I'm still a little bit self conscious wandering out in the world, I'm getting better and better at just not giving a shit.

I don't get in people's faces about it. I don't rail against my smooth-legged friends. ((Hell, when given the invitation, I will happily run my hands up and down my roommates just shaven legs --all of the niceness without any of the itching or stubble the next day!)) I don't even usually bring it up. I just wear short skirts and bare legs and let people decide for themselves whether that's terrible. If people can't be friends with me just because I don't match that idea of normalcy, well, I don't really want them to stick around to find all the other deviant behaviours I indulge in.

I still can't look in the mirror every day and think I'm gorgeous. Hell, half the time I can't even manage seeing "pretty". But I'm getting a lot better at looking in the mirror and seeing myself, exactly as I'm meant to be, and not someone uncomfortable in her own skin.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I feel that this is about the point in the essay where I should say I'm only using boys because I am too lazy to constantly write out "folk who like girls" I have no problems with being ogled by members of any gender --at least not when I'm in ogleable mode. It's a weird little exhibitionist line, and would probably take another essay to explain.

2: And I still don't often do things specifically to attract people. Rocky Horror and *some* conventions are the only exceptions, and only to a small extent.

3: This is not an exaggeration, and I've thought of at least two more since I said that. And these are just the folk I *know* want sloppy make-outs --I'll be damned if I can ever remember or keep track of how many of you want to take me home and do naughty things with me.⁴

4: ...or to me, but that's a different post, and one I don't feel like putting here. Suffice to say, I think that sloppy make-outs⁵ should have all parties as active participants. More fun like that.

5: This is a euphanism.

6: Or, you know, I'll just get over it and be happily single. Shock, horror, all that.

7: And that's another thing. Razor blade. Can kill people. Scraping against skin. How the *fuck* is this considered normal for *anyone*?

((That being said, I do have maybe a slight preference for clean shaven men. But I've had perfectly nice kissies with boys with beards before, so really, shaven status is totally up to them. Unless they try to grow a pornstache. I do not give kissies to boys with pornstaches.))

Three years ago okay technically yesterday Today, it was 2006, and I was posting about Everything Will Go Right Day.

Now, The memory of EWGRD generally links to another, significantly more complicated memory that I do not talk about in polite company¹. But for once, I'm going to focus on the actual day, and all the things that went right, as opposed to the one thing that (probably) went terribly, terribly wrong.

See, Everything Will Go Right Day was a concept by the always lovely ancientsong. Her original premise was thus:

Pass the word, everyone. Friday, March 24th is hereby named "Everything Will Go Right" Day.

On that day:
you will get where you're going on time - all day.
if you have tests, you will ace them with flying colors
everyone in your life will be happy and peaceful and not want or need anything
your car will work perfectly as will your computer, cell phone, PDA, and running shoes
there will be no traffic in your way all day
you will have a chance to work out or do some other healthy thing for yourself should you so choose
you will be appreciated in some nice way by your co-workers
the lady (or gentleman) at the store will smile at you instead of scowling
you will eat food that is good and good for you (unless you totally crave chocolate in which case it will be extremely satisfying but have no calories)
you will have a chance to sit down with a good book if you so choose
wonder of wonders, you'll hear your favorite song on the radio (or iPod or CD player)
you'll get a chance to do something fun and creative that will give you lots of pleasure

"Everything Will Go Right" Day because Doggone It! We deserve it!"

And what the hell. Because I Can², I'm going to go ahead and declare an Everything Will Go Right Day for this Friday. That's right kids --mark your calendars for Friday, March 27th, because it is going to turn out to be absolutely fantastic, for everyone.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Don't you dare snarkass me being all "we're not polite, Miss Cyress." I know you wankers aren't at all polite, hell, half this journal would be considered beyond impolite. But there are things I don't talk about to people, and things I've doublethought away, and things that are just mine to hold and have and enjoy, and you don't get to know them. Nyah.

2: Because no one can stop me, because I'm addicted to bad ideas and all the beauty in this world. Which started playing as I wrote this post, which is kinda wonderful.

Apologies for missing yesterday, I suppose. This is really only just my project, I think, so I don't know why I feel the need to offer apologies to anyone else. Still though. It's just been...a long day. Didn't get a chance to post, not really, so I'm just going to skip the ninth and go onto the tenth.

The tenth is more relevant, anyways.

One year ago today, it was 2008. And I had a bit of a panic attack. Nothing too serious --just me bailing on reality for a bit, climbing my tree, talking to the denizens¹. Being shoeless and in a t-shirt in a tree, at night, in what I think I remember being wet. All of this (including and especially the bodymisery²) is very normal for me.

Different from most every panic attack prior to that date, this was the first time I have any memory of being able to Get Help with my insanities.

I'm up there, in my tree, with Gabe just holding me --not trying to help me, not trying to sort me out, just being this presence wrapped around me in a way that no one had ever really done in the real world³. And somehow, he gave me the strength to know that I would listen to someone else, and that the only way to do that was to use that tool in my pocket and call someone.

I forget exactly what I got Magus to tell me when I called him...something along the lines of "You're a worthwhile person, okay?". And...it worked. We talked a little on the phone, and a bunch on IM. It's frightening to trust like that; I'm still not really any good at it.

But at least I'm getting better.

Oh, and Sor? You're right here:
And I have no idea why I'm telling you all this and I think I may need to go sit quietly back behind my walls for a little bit, but that's probably not the right answer except it's safer there
Only not, because walls trap people inside them

Soyes. I'm actually planning to discuss the entry from today more when I get around to making my resolutions2008 post. But damn. It's nice to know how to trust people. And it's really really nice to know that I have people who, when they ask how I'm feeling, I can say I feel shit and babble a bit and they'll comfort me and randomly and for no reason tell me I'm pretty⁶.

Take care of yourselves, y'all. And call me if you need that shoulder --I mean it.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Annnd slitting Alis's throat. Yeah. I get fucked up during panic attacks. Luckily, denizens don't die like that.

2: Bodymisery --using the world around me to inadvertently hurt myself. Letting myself be hungry or freeze my ass off. Yes, I know I should do that sort of shit, but when I'm in that sort of state, I can't bring myself to care or believe I deserve the proper human comforts I tend to love.

3: I have this thing...since I was very young, most every time I've cried, I've had this desperate want for someone to just be there to hold me and help me feel better. Of course, if I called them or in any way got them to come do such a thing, it would be tainted by the fear that I was hurting someone through my own misery, or dragging them away from something more important⁴. As such, I have *been* held like I needed when I cried, twice now even. It's mind-bogglingly amazing to realize you're living one of your fantasys.⁵

4: Yes, I know this is *really* stupid. You don't have to tell me.

5: 2008 I got to live three big ones, that I remember. Yeah. Yeah. It was an amazing year.

6: Gods, I love that. I never get tired of it, and I'll probably never stop blushing and smiling like an idiot.

Solife.

Senior pictures were yesterday. I look...decent. If I get un-lazy, I'll scan the proofs.

Hehehe. Me not scanning things these days is all because I'm lazy. Because I HAVE A SCANNER! And that makes me happy.

Weird dreams last night. The world was about to end and everyone had to die or something like that. It was unsettling, but when I woke up, I forgot about it, until I accidentally ran into it via Elsewhere. The part I remember clearly was being in an elevator with KT and Sashi. We were going to plunge down and die, because everyone had to, and this way was reasonably painless.

The scary part was that it was only three floors down, but it took a phenomenally long time to plummet once they cut the ropes.

And for some reason, I recall kissing Sashi. Which is...different. I might have kissed KT too, I don't remember. Stupid cryptic dreams.

Comic news of the day is College Roomies From Hell!!! ZOHMYGODSABOUTDAMNTIME!!!

Also, I can't remember if I pointed you lot over to the most recent Order of the Stick yet or not. But dude, AD&D totally stands for Attention Deficit Disorder. :D

Dude, Fish is the wins for the day. He brought me the Eagles version of Journey of the Sorcerer. DudeforthewinsYAY!

And for anyone who doesn't know, the version I have of Journey of the Sorcerer (From the H2G2 movie soundtrack) is my most played song by...a lot. About 70 more times to anything else. Whoot music, especially nerd based music.

In other news, it's REALLY hard to type while sitting on my desk. Blame Fish for that, he stole my chair. *shakes fist*

And now he's trying to sway my mind with facts, like I sat down first! BAH AND LIES!!

I love my friends. :D

In other news, sitting on my desk is bad because I keep leaning against the secertary. And I'm going to accidentally knock it over, which would in fact be Bad.

So, yayforchairs.

And hummmmm...plots. *checks stalkerfile*

...Teh FRAKE? Stupid lack of freaking orginizational skills. *grumbles*

Well, there goes THAT plot. No matter, I have other ones to focus on. Involving birthday presents.

And ohyeah, I need to send mek's prezzies to him, don't I. Cruft. >.<

Maybe I can so that...soon. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. *sighs* That means I have things I have to type, and WHY ARE ALL MY PLOTS SO COMPLICATED?!

I'm good.

Alright, this post has dissolved into so much cryptic babbling. Ta then!

~Sor
MOOP!

1) To get mum to send Katters her presents.
2) To do better in school (not hard...:p)
3) To figure out how to properly adore Veronica, and do so
3) To look into this idea of jobs and find out if there IS such a job that will let a crazy chica who can't work Friday nights and doesn't yet know how to drive work for them.
4) Speaking of which, learning to drive would be good. A lisence would be...good.
5) To go to LONDON!
6) ...*writes down in her own private file* Sorry. Not for you to know.*
7) To make it to Kung Fu at least once a week. And on more Thursdays.
8) ...Fine. To try and sort my mind out some. Yeah. maybe.

And Goals:
1) To watch the other two episodes of Season One of Black Books. And seasons two and three when they arrive. Oh yes, Tho- I'm afraid I can't be your slavy...Series one is coming out in Region One in...10 days? I think. And mum's ordering the other two from AmazonUK anyways, so it's all good.
2) To actually keep up with this whole idea of an abbriviated friends list. Yepyep!
3) I'd like to try that 1K cranes again.
4) LONDON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that is all.

~Sor
MOOP!

*Scarily enough, this one is best summed up by a Black Books quote. Yeeeeeeeeeeeah.**
**And thats just to remind me, since I'm far to lazy to actualyl write it down.

All I would like to say is thank you very much Sluggy.net for giving me a place where I can actually talk to males without them being assholes all the time. Thanks also to my male friends who AREN'T assholes all the time.

~Sorceress/Kat

MOOP!

Original Tags: sluggy.net, frustration, rants, gender, qlife