This digressed quickly.

[sorcyress]

WARNING: This post talks a bunch about rape, and about fear, and about blaming the victim, and behaviours that people should take in order not to get raped, and behaviours that people should take in order to not, you know, rape anyone. If any of that is likely to trigger you, please skip the rest of it.

Someone linked this, and I don't remember who. But it made me laugh, in that pathetic, oh god, why do we even need to say this? sort of way.

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!
1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.
2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!
3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!
4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.
5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!
6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.
7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.
8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.
9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!
10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.
Credit to No, Not You

((I especially like that it's a non-gendered list on all accounts, and can easily apply to all manner of hurting-other-people, not just sexual assault.))

Lesley is not the sort of campus where they pound into our heads the "YOU WILL BE RAPED AT ANY MOMENT!" paranoia that a lot of places seem to feed -which is actually odd, now that I think of it- but I'm still tempted to print out a couple copies of this one and leave them somewhere casual.

And no, I don't particularly think anyone on my friends list needs to learn any of these lessons. I'd like to think that they wouldn't be "friends" if they did.

But seriously. It really really really sucks to be a woman, and constantly be told that YOU need to do the work, that YOU need to change your habits, and your clothing, and your behaviours because if you don't, the poor defenseless men around you just won't be able to control themselves, and they'll just *have* to rape you on principle.

It sucks to know that I shouldn't leave the house in that flighty little skirt that looks really cute, that I have to wake my roommates up with a text message so they know I got where I was going safely, that I won't ever drink around college kids¹ because I can't trust that they won't try to push me too far. Yes, they're all actions I take, and just some of the actions I take to keep myself safe --I walk a half mile or more most nights in order to get to the beds I sleep in. I keep my eyes open, and I keep a sense of where people are around me. When I go to Rocky, if I'm by myself, I wear a big coat over my slut-clothes, or try to find other groups to walk with.

When people offer to walk me home, no matter how much it sucks, I take the offer. Because yes. It's embarrassing to have to be walked home, like I was some kind of defenseless child, and it hurts my pride that I have to accept help like this, and sure, I can laugh it off, or maintain that it'll be nice to talk to the boy for a little bit longer. But it really really sucks to have to have someone else help me with as simple a skill as walking from point A to point B, just because I'm small and female. And I hate that I'm too smart to argue them out of it and walk around alone.

So yeah. I try and do the stupid behaviours that the internet and the college advisors and the sweet and well meaning and patronizing professors tell me I should do. I try to keep my head up, and my mind clear, and make my agenda known. I do my damndest to be a good little girl, and skip the parties² with the drinking and the idiocy and the potential for danger.

But I really wish that I didn't have to feel like being raped was dependent on anything that *I* did or didn't do. I really wish I *could* wear short skirts when I feel like it, or go to Rocky all by my lonesome, or wander for hours under the stars and lights of a sleeping city. I wish I didn't have to check in to anybody at all, not ever. I wish I didn't have to worry, and I really wish that some of these behaviours are so ingrained I don't even realize I'm worrying.

It sucks sometimes to live in an imperfect world.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: There are other reasons for this, too. But I don't trust college kids sober, and I definitely don't trust them drunk.

2: I don't actually get invited to this sort of party. But if I did!

WARNING (again, for people who read their friends list from the bottom on up, like me): This post talks a bunch about rape, and about fear, and about blaming the victim, and behaviours that people should take in order not to get raped, and behaviours that people should take in order to not, you know, rape anyone. If any of that is likely to trigger you, please skip the rest of it.

Comments

[abecedarianizer.livejournal.com]

That list makes me very happy.

Our dean of students began this semester with an email about how everyone should be on guard because the first few weeks of college are when the most assaults happen. It was disgusting. Gone are the days of the "friends don't let friends do douchey shit to other people" email I got as a first year - that was some good stuff. Perhaps I should hang copies of this in the dorms to give the first years at a taste of the experience we got...

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I really like the phrase "friends don't let friends do douchey shit to other people". I kinda want to post that one up in places, too.

~Sor

[sparr0.livejournal.com]

1: is one reason I am a sober person. I have been in too many situations where if I had not been the sober+responsible person, no one would be.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I am honestly a pretty big fan of getting to be in the the designated don't-accidentally-make-a-porno-and-gain-mutant-superpowers role. Means that I'm personally less likely to be an idiot, that I can make sure the people I care about are safe, and that me and my pretty little camera get to keep my friends from ever running for any sort of political office.

...not that I'm evil. >.>

~Sor

[marmota.livejournal.com]

http://shadesong.livejournal.com/3965002.html

[ms-hecubus.livejournal.com]

For some reason number five strikes me as especially funny.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I can just picture some rapist reading through the list, and striking his forehead as he gets to that point --"THAT'S what I've been doing wrong all these times!"

~Sor

[tirerim.livejournal.com]

I will note that number 9 ought to carry the caveat "unless they've asked you to". (Speaking from having dated someone who really liked being woken up by sex.) That gets into the whole fuzzy area of exactly when consent has to be granted, which gets rather complex, so I think I'll just leave it at that.

For what it's worth, when I walk you home, my reason is to get to spend more time with you, not to protect you (though that may be a side effect, of course).

And yeah, imperfect worlds suck.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

*shrugs* I think that this list is largely aimed towards, if not strangers, people not in committed relationships with one another. So, while I understand where you're coming from, I don't think the list needs the caveat, just as I don't think it needs any sort of caveat for five, like "unless they're you're partner, and the idea of having some naughty exhibitionist fun in an elevator really turns you both on."

~Sor

[tirerim.livejournal.com]

Mm, point. Though in 5, the word "assault" is used explicitly, which I think already excludes that situation. I also think the list is supposed to be humorous while encouraging people to think about their actions, and it doesn't really need to cover every situation to do that; any caveats are just for thinking about boundaries.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Well yes, and I do see the difference. Dunno. I still think that making the caveat is less helpful, as it gets into messy "well, what is consent anyways?" issues and the idea of future consent and such and such.

Of course, I'm also slightly squicked by the idea of being awoken with sex (bad associations) so I'm not the best person to have this debate with.

~Sor

[jere7my.livejournal.com]

It might be worth pointing out that there are thousands of young women in Boston who do go out in miniskirts and plunging necklines and whatnot, frequently at night, frequently intoxicated, sometimes alone. A discussion could be had about whether they're being irresponsible by doing so, but if you choose to dress provocatively you will not stand out from the crowd — I trip over half a dozen women wearing less than you ever do whenever I come back to Brighton via the MBTA at night.

Stranger rape is rare in Cambridge. From 2003 to 2006 (http://www.cambridgema.gov/CPD/reports/2006/third%20quarter%20report/2006q3.pdf), there were 0 to 3 stranger rapes (or attempts) reported in each nine-month reporting period, for the whole city of 100,000 people (not counting students). And rape (as I'm sure I don't need to tell you) is not generally a crime motivated by sex; there's no reason to think wearing a short skirt will make you any more of a target. Rapists go after grannies because they can't fight back, not because they think grannies are hot.

This is not to say you should be foolhardy; there's nothing wrong with letting people know where you'll be (as grownups like K and I do for each other), carrying a cell phone and a whistle, sticking to populated and/or well-lit areas. And you're free to be as cautious as you feel you need to. But if you're frustrated with letting fear tell you what you can and can't wear, as you seem to be, the statistics and the observations both say that you can wear whatever the heck you want without increasing your risk.

I say this: something bad might happen at any time, but you can't live life scared. Muggings are fifty times more common than rapes, but apart from taking basic precautions (and finding myself in the rare creepy situation), getting mugged hardly ever crosses my mind.

[jannyblue.livejournal.com]

Rapists go after grannies because they can't fight back, not because they think grannies are hot.

You ever try running in 4-inch heels and a miniskirt?

Pretty damned defenseless there, too.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Now I really quite want pictures of jere7my in four inch heels and a miniskirt.

And pigtails. Because he looks awesomely adorable in pigtails.

~Sor

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I've never really had a strong fear of stranger rape. To me, it's about as useful as having a strong fear of being murdered by a serial killer, or beaten up by an anonymous mugger. It's so utterly black and white, open and shut that I couldn't possibly be at fault if such a thing happened. Yes, it would suck, and I would be a little less right in the head for a bit, but in the case of a stranger rape, it was nothing I did or didn't do to them --I was simply there. Maybe I could've arranged life to not be in the wrong place at the wrong time, but then it just would've happened to some other sweet little girl, who maybe would not be so able to deal with it.

~Sor

[jere7my.livejournal.com]

Well then, I demand you wear flighty little skirts.

[vvalkyri.livejournal.com]

yes, exactly.

[ndkid.livejournal.com]

Well, it's worthwhile to note, I think, that "non-stranger" is a pretty large category, too, and that "non-stranger" includes lots of people outside of "friends I'm absolutely confident will never sexually assault me".

This is probably also the right spot for the knee-jerk response to reported statistics about how many sexual assaults go unreported, whether stranger or non-stranger.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Thank you for noticing how intentionally I was wording things. I'm a lot less afeared of stranger-rape. It's the idea that I could be enough an idiot to have befriended someone who'll take advantage of me that makes me shiver.

~Sor

[ndkid.livejournal.com]

This (rather indirectly) reminds me of Five Geek Social Fallacies (http://www.plausiblydeniable.com/opinion/gsf.html). Specifically, how friend-of-friend links, and people who like to act as though all of their friends should be able to get along, can lead to situations where one is around people that make one uncomfortable; I sometimes suspect that situations such as this lead to the majority of those non-stranger, non-friend sexual assaults.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Oooo. Good point!

Someday I need to do a decent post about the Geek Social Fallacies, and how they make me feel guilty and such and such. This should certainly tie into it.

~Sor

[jannyblue.livejournal.com]

I'm still tempted to print out a couple copies of this one and leave them somewhere casual.

Do it!

I totally agree with this list of rules, and wish more people would teach these rules alongside the "Don't you EVER dress sexy in public!!!!!" rules they teach the females.

[vvalkyri.livejournal.com]

This was a wonderful post.
I spent a goodly part of June and July paying attention to the Cereta Post of Doom. Did you happen past it?

And yes. Leave those things around.

I'm doing a women's self defense course the next two weekends and I'm really worried that they'll teach me to fear.

Also, may I link?

[netpositive.livejournal.com]

I'm doing a women's self defense course the next two weekends and I'm really worried that they'll teach me to fear.

Given my own experiences with a self-defense course and then with martial arts training: if they're doing it right, they'll teach you to be more aware, not fearful. Maybe also just a little bit angry, that you even have to bother considering being defensive. Fear is generally counter-productive (and what a people count on using against you -- anything from social fear of "not being nice/polite" to physical fear of "OMG he has a gun").

[vvalkyri.livejournal.com]

My feeling is that my usual obliviousness is protective. That, especially in the "people casually putting an arm around me or whatever" category, a lot of these things are things that slide off me and I don't notice. Back with Ceretapost I realized after two weeks of "people don't do this nonsesnse to me - I wonder why?" that, well, yes they do, but I don't file it under sexual assault. A former coworker blocking my way out of a chair in his basement and trying to get me to kiss him before he realized he'd scared the bejesus out of me was filed under "the last time I was sailing." Walking across Buenos Aires at 1am rather than get back in the car with the cabbie who had tried to kiss me was filed under "Argentina" or possibly "yeah, accepting a driving tour from a cabbie wasn't clever."

I figure there are a lot of low level 'unwelcome attentions' that I simply don't [consciously] notice. And I worry that noticing them will make my life less enjoyable and actually less safe.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I understand *completely* where you're coming from there, partially because I think I do some amount of that myself as well -not to the same extent that you do, but certainly at the street-level "hey baby lookin' good!" level of harassment.

It's a fair worry, that noticing them will make life less enjoyable. Certainly gets into issues of whether or not repression is really healthy, even if it does make your life happier. *shrugs* I am not a psychologist.

~Sor

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

You are welcome to link --I didn't write it though. The original (as far as I can tell) can be found here

I read the Cereta Post of Doom, and got...mmm...maybe ten pages into the comments? before I had a browser-crash and lost all the tabs I had open. I kinda intend to go back and look at it again, but at the same time....it's an intense post. Don't know that I necessarily have the energy.

~Sor

[vvalkyri.livejournal.com]

lizkayl indexed a bunch of the subthreads. I had notification turned on from page1, so got all the comments as they came in.

[vvalkyri.livejournal.com]

I just went back looking for CPOD, and found http://fugitivus.wordpress.com/2009/06/26/another-post-about-rape-3/ particularly good. There's also a comment where someone talks about how sie has been teaching hir infant to preschool daughter boundaries and some self defense

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

I, too, approve of the list not being sexed, but wish to add something along the lines of:

11. A relationship is not consent.

[marcmagus]

I love your icon!

Also, good addition.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

<3

I'd edit that to read A relationship is not consent. Past consent does not necessarily imply current consent. or something less messy. But yeah. Seriously.

<3

~Sor

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Or even Yes does, in fact, mean yes, but only this time.

But, yes. Important!

<3

[harena.livejournal.com]

Oh, aye. Icky Ex-Hubby #2 had Entitlement crap out the wazoo because 1) he was married to me, therefore he had the right to it & 2) he is a sex addict so always wanted it. :P

Sadly, i never saw (until much later) that i had any right to deny him without guilt... darn Catholic church brainwashing... not to mention the man could not snuggle without it being contingent upon it ending in sex.. :P

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Icky Ex-Girlfriend #1 had very similar entitlement crap, because 1) we'd have been married if it were legal, etc., & 2) she was a sex addict, so if I really cared, etc. And that was pretty much just the start: the intimate terrorism followed on from there. It horrifies me to think that when she went to England and then back home to her family, it took about a month for me to understand that it was the best thing that could've possibly happened.

[siogai.livejournal.com]

There's so much to say...

Any form of assault is a terrible experience, and anyone who has been through it has my sympathy - I will ask the universe for good things for you.* I hope nothing like this will happen to any of you.

Imagine the moral principle "treat people well" being a core value taught to children and adults alike, and taking hold as a norm of society. That is the world I want to live in, and hope to inspire in the people around me.

I've grown up with the fear of being attacked, even as a guy. There's truth that it is worse for women. I keep my eyes out for possible dangers, choose clothes I can move in, and keep aware of my options as best I can. With running and basic self-defense tricks... I may get to take advantage if the attacker makes a stupid move. But that doesn't make me safe.

Living in our times doesn't help. Crime rates have dropped since the mid-90's, so we're making good progress, but there's still a long way to go. The awareness campaigns and the media violence today are based on memories of the past and hopes to build something better for the future.**

Feels like there's more; those are my first thoughts.

With warm wishes for all,

- siogai


* In case there's any doubt, the assault was never about you or anything you did - the other person is responsible for their actions. Trust that you can recover and rebuild (with the right support), though it will take both work and time to get there.

** Crime is certainly still an issue - a month ago people broke into my apartment building, and nearly into our apartment.

[markbark.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm.....
When I hear "attempted assault" and "Sorceress" in the same sentence, I hear Mr. T in my head. "Huh.. I PITY DA' FOOL!"
Two reasons:
1. You're formidable enough to fend off most of the determined idiots you're likely to run into.

2. Your huge cadre of friends/relatives/whatever would make short work of anyone foolish enough to try.

That is all.

--MAB