Half Naked Thursday: Ceiling

[sorcyress]

So this is technically fifteen minutes late. Sue me, it's not tomorrow until the sun rises or I sleep.

A week ago, I made a post being all "Half-Naked Thursday, whee!". It was meant to be a look at more metaphorical nakedness, stripping down the walls to show you what I've really got going on in my world.

At any rate, then I mentioned that I originally had two photos and was only showing one of them. This makes this weeks HNT really really easy for me to manage --next week, I will have to actually look around to find a bit of myself to reveal, if indeed, I continue on with this trend.

But yes. Have a picture of me being naked. Odd, in that it's also not a picture of me at all.

Happy Thursday.



This second is a little more new, a little more raw. It's the ceiling of my room, directly above my desk.

A week or two ago, I was having a rough night. In talking with Rackle, she brought up the term "Index card days", where you're just so socially frustrated and out of cope that you have to communicate through tiny 3" by 5" cards.

I have a pile in my desk drawer. Out they came that day, and it seemed the most logical thing in the world to write some song lyrics across them. Lyrics from strength-songs, where the lyrics don't necessarily matter in the slightest, but the message of being strong is crucial to my well being. "Go Away Godboy" is the song I use the most for this --I've never really had problems with people trying to convert me or mine, but howling along with the words can stabilize my mood like nothing else.

Because the words are meant to say "fuck you, I'm stronger than that", and on days when I am weak and helpless, I really need that.

And I forced myself out of the sobbing¹ to write more of them, because if I am actively writing, I am forcing distraction, and that little edge of distraction is all I need sometimes to stabilize. All of them have wound up there, tucked into the framework of the drop ceiling. I've got ten of them now, apparently. I'm sure that, as I enter this mood, and need the music and lyrics, I'll think of more.

So that's my current vulnerability. Come visit, I'll let you read them if you'd like.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Which itself was after that pervasive emptiness, and broken by my reaching out. I don't like playing shitty girl games, and I hate being cryptic, but that doesn't mean I manage to make all my words to people transparent. There are people who can read between the letters and the lines, through the /me and the carefully arranged punctuation and capitalization, and figure out what I'm actually trying to say over IM, that I just can't, because the words just won't come.

...and because there isn't an elegant way to put what I'd be doing in reality into words. It's that vulnerable look when I arrive on your doorstep, and ask for a hug, and pull myself into you, a double fistful of your shirt as I hide inside your arms, and pour myself out onto your shoulder. It's past want, straight into need, and I don't have a lot of people I've done it to, or *could* do it to (two? maybe three?) and I'm about to lose one of them, but I don't care, because sometimes there's safety there, and that's what I need more than anything else, that memory of safety. ((ETA: Holy run-on sentences, Batman! But this is kinda what my brain starts doing when I am in a vulnerable state))

It's an index card with eight words on it. It's an IM with eleven. It's being held, and being *held* and being held. It's the stairwells at Springstep, and just out the door at NEFFA. It's the long process of reducing the scarred and improving the weird. It's crying in June with the door shut, it's crying in July curled in the arms of someone I can't have, it's crying in August to a boy I barely know, it's crying-sobbing-breaking in January as I watch Next to Normal and try to separate their pain from mine, and try to find the strength I need to say the words I can't, I couldn't, I did.

It's the response I need, when I need it. It's breaking the emptiness with a *kiss*, and breaking the sobs with an *embrace*. It's *comfort*, from everyone who's ever given it.

And it's s00j and Dar and Vienna and Amanda and Alice.

If you can figure out a quicker way to tell people I need "that" than all the above, I'd love to hear it.

Comments

[sparr0.livejournal.com]

Because I like to transcribe things...

... AS SHE'S
...NDISE,
... FINE

BETTER A WHORE...
OF BABYLON, BABY...

AND IT ISN'T MY FAULT
THAT THE BARBARIAN
RAPED ME

SHE SAYS I NEED
NOT TO NEED
OR ELSE A LOVE
WITH INTUITION

AND YOU FIND OUT YOU
DON'T HAVE TO BE
HAPPY AT ALL
TO BE HAPPY YOU'RE ALIVE (previously quoted) (http://kdsorceress.livejournal.com/505488.html)

'CAUSE CRAZY IS PERFECT
AND FUCKED UP IS PERFECT
SO I WILL BE PERFECT
FOR YOU

EVERY DAY IS JUST
ANOTHER
AND ANOTHER
AND ANOTHER

I WILL NOT
BE AFRAID
OF WOMEN

YOU HOPE I'M NOT
THREATENED
OH, I'M NOT THAT PETTY
AS COOL AS I AM, I
THOUGHT YOU'D KNOW THAT
ALREADY

ONE WHO SURVIVES BY
MAKING THE LIVES OF
OTHERS WORTHWHILE
SHE'S COMING APART
RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

The first is "As long as she's got noise, she's fine".

The fourth and last have also been previously quoted here. I was going to chide you for missing that, but the post wasn't actually tagged with lyrics, which is, um, not helpful on my part.

~Sor

[ljdragon.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the transcription Sparr0. I couldn't make 'em out.

ONE WHO SURVIVES BY
MAKING THE LIVES OF
OTHERS WORTHWHILE
SHE'S COMING APART
RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES
^
What song is that from?

*gives you a cup of hot cocoa*

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

It's from Vienna Teng's "The Tower" --full lyrics and some rambling from me here.

It's also where "I need not to need / Or else a love with intuition" come from. Damn good song.

~Sor

[thirdbase.livejournal.com]

My friend spent a semester with "FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE" on a piece of paper on his ceiling over his bed so it was the first thing he saw in the morning. I had it next to my bed the first 2 months in France. I also had quotes on pieces of paper taped to the walls, just to help get me through.

You da girl.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

*smiles* I like it.

I'm increasingly a fan of quotes. I don't know what I'm going to do with these (and other index cards) next year --I don't know if I'll have a drop ceiling or not, and it'll be harder to attach them to a regular type ceiling. Maybe I can make a ribbonweb above the desk, hm.

You also da girl, ThirdBase. I like you!

~Sor

[mogwit.livejournal.com]

I have a collection of index cards I call my wakeup cards. They live by my bed. I look at one every morning. Friends have drawn many of them for me. I have quotations I like on some of them. It sounds like you use yours differently than I use mine, though, so maybe that wouldn't work.