MOOP!

I just went to a Vienna Teng concert. It left me wrecked, not unlike s00j concerts tend to. This is interesting.

I think it was the last Vienna concert I went to (her Aims tour) where I realized that I really don't have any interest in going to concerts and just sitting passively. I did a lot of dancing at that one, and it was pretty excellent. This one, I was hoping to dance, but what mostly happened was I cried.

Regardless, it's not just a passivity that is bothering me about the concept of going to concerts. I have also realized (sometime before this concert, but this one crystalized it) that I have pretty much zero interest in going to a concert _with_ anyone. Especially if it's a concert of one of my goddesses, or other somesuch import.

Going with people means you need to talk to them at some point, and socialize, and interact a bit. I'm not necessarily down for that at concerts. I largely go to concerts to do one of a very limited number of things: dance, more differently dance, sing along, or sob. Usually I do multiple of those, sometimes even at once. I am there for the music, and my reactions to certain musicians are...not on the scale of polite or appropriate public behaviour.

(I'm not joking about that. Crying is barely a socially acceptable thing to do and people will inevitably try to fix it for you¹ Sobbing so hard you can't breathe while digging your nails into your arms to try and contain the amount of existence you're feeling just now...even less so.

Dancing like an idiot also does not tend to be on the list of expected(both) behaviours at many concerts I attend, which is pretty tragic for everyone who hasn't made that breakthrough² but also can get me Confused Looks and may even result in some embarrassment-by-proxy for my less shameless friends.)

I don't think I want to go to concerts _with_ people anymore, is what I'm saying. Which I already knew about s00j --Balticon '12, last time I saw her, I spent the majority of the concert in the spot tower, which was a _brilliant_ decision. But now I've added Vienna to that list for sure, because if I'm not with anyone (by which I mean, not sitting next to them, like, I'm totally fine with people I know being somewhere else at the concert. This is part of why I intentionally choose shitty seats.) then I can react to her however I damn well want, and not worry about how I am supposed to be reacting, and if this is weird.

Like, I know it's weird, normal people do not typically go to concerts and cry so hard they can't breathe, no matter how much the genre is "sad girls with pretty voices". But it's how I react to Vienna, and how I react to s00j³ and how I would probably react to certain other musicians (like if I ever heard Amanda play Oasis live...).

And it's a really good reaction and I feel really overwhelmingly positive towards it. I mean, my eyes hurt a little, but whatever, I'm hells to the used to that. Sobbing uncontrollably is just a thing I *do* given certain input stimuli, and Vienna is one of the more calming ones. It bothers me not at all that I do this.

I just recognize that it's weird. And I have no interest in giving anyone else power over my by doing it with them. I react for no one but myself, thanks.

I don't really know where I'm going with this post, it's kindof a mess. Anyways, Vienna played like five of my top seven Vienna songs, which was pretty damn great. She did not play Between (which is okay, I don't have anyone to waltz with⁴) and she did not play The Tower (which is okay, I was wrecked enough from Whatever You Want, jegus). We all sang along for City Hall. I was able to leave my hands at peace for Lullaby for a Stormy Night. I danced for Level Up (though weakly, the dancing was not quite there for me, which happens sometimes). And she opened with Harbor, which took me years and years to realize was not a song for me and Marc or me and mek or me and Sparr or me and any insignificant boy when it could be a song for me and Veronica.

It was a good concert.

~Sor
MOOP!


1: Which is not unwelcome in general, but at a concert, it's pretty deeply distracting from the whole "getting into the music" thing.

2: If I want to dance, and am in a space where I would not be in people's way to dance, I will dance. It may be the most powerful thing about me.

3: It's actually a little frustrating that I cannot interact with the concept of s00j-as-musician without sobbing. I look forward to this getting me in trouble someday, I'm expecting Balticon '16 or sooner.

4: There are some few dancing with people exceptions I would make, yes. But I won't waltz Between with just anyone. I'm pretty danceslutty about Alligator in the House though, if s00j plays that, I'm plenty down for tangos. And I will probably acquiesce to some blues next time I hear her in concert, but all my normal weird ass-blues stuff will apply.

4: This sentence is entertaining to me, because it is true.

I have apparently determined that listening to "Between"¹ on endless repeat is fun and a good idea! Doubly frustrating, because I was doing this a couple weeks ago, too --I don't like being in the same gloomspace twice in a month. I thought I had snapped out of this one already.

***

Went into my multivariate calc exam fully expecting to fail. Sat down to maybe scrawl some notes down for a study sheet, and realized that I hadn't actually learned anything all semester. It felt a bit like those stereotypical dreams² where you didn't know you had a test and so didn't study, except without the waking up part. Quite awful.

Luckily, I was able to pummel my memory into at least writing down something for every part of every problem, and I do think I had some idea of what I was doing on a few of them. I did manage to correctly remember what cross-product multiplication of vectors was, so, yay me I guess.

But yeah. Things I learned this semester: Parameterization. WoooooooooooowhydoIsuckatmath?

***

I am supposed to be packing right now, as today I move the rest of my stuff out and start on my grand gallivanting adventure that I really just *have* to get some e-mails out about. First though, I think I need to find somewhere in Porter Exchange to scavenge breakfast from. So yes, breakfast, then go home and throw everything into boxes, then commit seppuku, then...wait, spellcheck recognizes seppuku? I am astonished, I was just throwing that in to check if anyone was paying attention.

...today is one of those whiny days where I really want attention. I'm going to have to snap my mind out of that before I get annoying, since I'm painfully aware of the fact that me being all *cling, paw, paw, paw* at people is in fact, not charming.

(Today is also one of those whiny days where I somewhat want to hide forever. I'll see how well I can manage that once I've finished packing.)

***

Rackle is really really cool, and said some good words to me last night that I should reread at some point and remember.

***

(Calling Olsen, calling Memphis, I am calling, can you hear this?)

~Sor
MOOP!

1: By Vienna Teng. Good song, great waltz, really honestly kinda depressing as hell when you listen to the lyrics. Multiple depressing ways to look at it, too. It's *brilliant* or something. The fact that it's invaded my world for the moment might be a bad sign, not really sure. I think I prefer to sort out the problems that it expresses rather than collapse under the weight of them. Wooooo, cryptic!

2: I don't remember if I mentioned it when xkcd brought it up, but I don't have stereotypical dreams. I have only rarely dreamt myself naked, and never had my teeth fall out. I've never flown (though I would fall for a while, but not endless falling --just a ten-twenty foot drop half sliding alongside a wall). My dream tropes involve getting uncomfortably groped by people I'm supposed to be platonically fond of. Oh, and food. I have good food dreams unfairly often.

Y'all miss me? I was looking back over my archive and realized I've made painfully few posts this month. This is a damn shame, and I'm gonna see what I can do about fixing it a bit.

'Cause what doesn't kill me, doesn't kill me, so fill me up for just another day!

I don't like depressing music.

This might surprise a lot of you, who I'm sure have observed the lyrics I post and tweet with a skeptical eye. How is "freedom is being alone, I fear liberation" not depressing, for instance. And do you really expect us to think you don't like depressing music given how often you use music to sob?

I do use music to sob. I use music to sob out the last of the pain and force it away from my head so I'm empty. It's a hell of a lot easier to reach stability from empty than from anywhere else. Music doesn't make me sad. It makes me stable.

And so the music I really like, when I'm in one of Those Moods? It's not sad music. I skip the slit-your-wrists emo and goth in exhange for music that puts me into an entirely different mood.

I like music that makes me hopeful. "Go Away Godboy" is a song about telling the bad things to sod off. "Oasis"¹ is about how much life sucks, so might as well dwell on the positive. "Whatever You Want" is a song of taking power back.

And Next to Normal?

Every song I regularly listen to out of Next to Normal is a hopeful song. The whole musical is tinted by the pain and frustration and misery exhibited by every member of the family. And the songs I like? Are about fighting back, against your family, against your insanity, against your fear, and against your whole damn potential of inexistence.

This is music that goes straight past eleven into the category of howling along at the top of my lungs, and laughing maniacally as I do so. In chronological order, "Just Another Day", "Everything Else", "You Don't Know", "I Am The One", "I'm Alive", "I've Been", "Didn't I See This Movie?"², "I'm Alive (reprise)" "The Break", "Maybe (Next to Normal)", "I Am The One (reprise)", and "Light" are all songs I can no longer listen to at a normal volume, because they are just so good at drowning out my internal monologue when sung along with.

It's not all the songs from the show that I have starred, but it's all the ones I have starred for a reason other than just being clever with the lyrics or musically fun. And you have no idea how hard it is not to toss in lyrics from every song I mentioned. No idea, because this musical is Just That Good.

So no, I don't listen to sad music. Why bother? Sad music would just reinforce the mood. I don't want to reinforce moods when I fight bottom. I want to break them.

And you find some way to survive. And you find out you don't have to be happy at all, to be happy you're alive.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: (pre-note: Do not be with the Amanda wank in my comments. I'm still not sure I'm recovered from the last batch. There are plenty of other places to discuss her and the issues surrounding her right now.) It does not matter what else wank Amanda brings to the world, for this song, I will always have at least a little bit of respect for her. Hell, if she gets bad enough, I will rerecord this song myself, because it is a perfect microcosm of how I feel about all the doom and gloom in my world.

After all, I've seen better days but I don't care, oh I just got a letter in the mail, Oasis sent a photograph, it's autographed and everything, Melissa's gonna wet herself I *swear!*

(I really really like faking it like a giggly giddy typical teen girl. I have scared people with my like totally valley cheerleader voice OMG! It pleases me that Amanda does this at least a little bit too --hide the pain behind enough snark, and maybe people will never realize you're in pain in the first place.)

2: Curses, I missed a chance to quote swatches of this one in every day conversation. Yes, because sometimes my life is just that fantastic and weird.

The one who survives by making the lives
Of others worthwhile
She's coming apart
Right before my eyes

When I was first introduced to Vienna Teng, by Marc, he mentioned something about her songs, and about a lot of people having one that was Theirs, that really spoke to them, more than anything else. He has one, and rm has one, and Alys has found one, and I've no doubt that a lot of her fans who I never will know have a song.

The one who depends on the services she renders
To those who come knocking
She's seeing too clearly what she can't be
What understanding defies

And I mean, I love a lot of her songs. A *lot*. Two days ago I was extolling the virtues of "Whatever You Want". I use "Lullaby for a Stormy Night" more than any lullaby except the one I grew up with. There are waltzes, and Last Waltzes, and Pentultimate Waltzes and none of them compare to one silly little dance to "Between". "City Hall" makes me tear up every time I hear it, "Stray Italian Greyhound" is my personal anthem to the joys of New Relationship Energy, "My Medea" played just right has brought me stability when I truly needed it...the list goes on and on.

She says "I need not to need

Vienna is, as I've said, my Tori Amos. She is the epitome of one of my most oft-used playlists, "Sad girls with pretty voices". It's for when I am lost. Or lonely. Or melancholic. For when I need help to cope. For when I need strength. By this point...I've got 21 of her songs starred, marked as good. I don't need the playlist anymore. I just need Vienna.

Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go

And of course, of all those songs I've got marked as wonderful, as amazing, as worth listening to, I have one of them that, from the moment I first listened to the lyrics, first talked to me and me alone. When I first found her, I found she had free songs linked on her webpage, just four little downloads. "Homecoming" is okay, and "Gravity" is lovely, and "Harbor" was the first song I heard of her and really noticed.

I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow"

And then there was "The Tower".

She turns up the light
Anticipating night falling tenderly around her
Watches the dusk

It is a three minute and fifty-three second mp3 that you may get off the internet for free. If you would like to hear it, you may click on this link right here.

The words won't come

It is a three minute and fifty-three second free mp3 that grabbed me and gave me a gift of its lyrics and said "hello". It said "Hello" and called me Little Girl, and politely offered me the chance to put all those vague thoughts that drift through the back of my mind into a song, one that I could listen to, and sing, and give to other people if I so chose. It gave me a copy of myself, of the parts I don't always show, of the parts I don't always admit.

She carries the act so convincingly
The fact is sometimes she believes it

It gave me the knowledge that, all these parts I don't show, all these parts I don't admit? I am not alone in these thoughts. It gave me safety in numbers. Security, of sorts. I may be crazy, but I'm not the only one.

She can be happy with the way things are
Be happy with the things she's done

And oh dear gods, did I need it. I needed it at the time, and I needed it other times, and I need it tonight. Every once in a while, I go and find and read the lyrics, and I'm shaken all over again to realize just how much I need this song, because I realize just how true it is to me.

And yet I need not to need

...Because I hate needing, because that means someone else has to waste their time and energy and life and happiness helping me. I hate taking that from people.

Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go

Sometimes I think I have found such a love, and when I realize it, I'm struck with fear at how unbelievably lucky I really am. But most of the time, I accept that no one will ever have the perfect sense to know when I need them, and I'm terrible at offering weakness anyways, and it doesn't matter, since this should be me in the first place, taking care of myself. I need not to need, after all.

I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow

Ultimately? Being strong is hard. Being fragile is harder.

Reach out, hold back
Where is safety
Reach out and hold back
Where is the one who can change me
Where is the one
The one

I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow

I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in the snow
The danger and the power
Friend and the foe

It is not always my favourite of all the Vienna Teng songs. But whatever else happens, I think that it is, and will always be, My song.

~Sor
MOOP!

I still haven't gotten around to that sleep I need. But:

I am fed
I look damn fabulous as a pirate
***Despite not having garbshoes
I spent something like eight and a half hours just hanging out and chatting with Conor and LezzieBeth
***They fed me pizza
***And we watched the first eight episodes of the Venture Brothers (Go team Venture!) and Dr. Horrible
The weather got nice

And some other stuff that I don't feel like talking about here, mostly because it's not my tale to tell. But ohh, hanging out is going to be lovely fun the next few weeks. I look forward to it.

( Tarot musings )

I am going out for a walk now, to enjoy the weather.

~Sor
MOOP!