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Just a quick thought:

For a good long while now, I have been thinking in the back of my head about creating an actual difference between the journals kdsorceress and sorcyress. The former would continue to be what I use pretty much all my journals for --random life dumping, thoughts, silly questions, quotes, and occasional really good writing, while the latter would be restricted to just what I consider the "good" writing --things like my essays, stories, occasional forays into emo poetry, etc.

The entries on Sorcyress would probably be mirrored on kdsorceress, though not vice versa. It would pretty much be designed to give people a chance to skip all the babbling about my life, so they can cut straight to the things that will hopefully inspire discussion. It would also hopefully guilt me into actually writing more essays, so I could have content over there.

Thoughts?

~Sor
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I think that if my past writings are going to make me feel melencholy and empty*, then they should at least also be able to make me giggle.

( File on my USB key labelled 'The Roughest Outline I can Manage' (For my 2006 WriMo novel) (You may want to skip this if you want to read what I wrote first )



Somehow, the line "MYSTERIOUS CHOICE!" cracks me up. Especially as I can't actually remember which time she would've chosen, or indeed, if I had a choice for her at all.

The all-caps to designate humour thing is something I picked up from Questionable Content, along with the term "hurr".

In other news, you can find everything I wrote of said novel over in the Kattales. Linky!

~Sor
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(((In other news, it's nice to know that I write myself into almost everything I write. Case in point:

"Boston was, however, one of the most prominant cities in the world, ever since the failed dominator of all mankind declared it her capital. She moved a lot of important stuff up there, and did a lot of very good works for the world and then died spectacularly by tripping while doing a manic victory dance around a bonfire. History can be quite funny sometimes like that."")))

*A lot of the problem is that, when I was fourteen, I was very thoroughly convinced of the idea that you really really really didn't need someone else to be happy. I could grudgingly accept that sometimes people needed to have significant others, but I was convinced that I didn't need anybody else to be happy. Con*vinced*.

And see, that's changed. My emotional stability tends to be somewhat supported by other people at any given point. That's always been true, but it's moreso now. Nowadays, I *need* a partner to keep myself stable and happy, which is so very against my fourteen year old ideal, that it makes me want to scream.

Yep. I'm crazy. What else is new?

[Poll #1085376]

Blabla, choose 13 names, blabla, answer some questions.

1) artemisfowl2nd
2) ksatyr
3) drama_angel3189
4) werewulf
5) thorog
6) jestingly_yours
7) thru_violets
8) kdsorceress
9) shadowcaptain
10) sonsashi
11) macaroniandtuna
12) marcmagus
13) shield_toad111

( Haha, meme's are totally not equal to what I SHOULD be doing right now. )

Uhmyeah. Now is the time when I should be typing up notes and information for the Lesley University Chaos Club, which I may or may not be starting.

Also, what the fuck does "pompus telks" mean? Because I appear to have written that on my arm as a note for myself for something for the LUCC to do, and it makes NO SENSE AT ALL, OHMAN.

~Sor
MOOP!

By the way, this Ctrl-Alt-Del doesn't even need context to make me giggle

*squee!!*

I saw Weird Al in concert! AND I got to drive to Delaware, and back again. AND I have movie evidence of WEIRD AL WEARING FISHNETS. AND I got to hear Albuquerque live. AND I now have an awesome looking signed shirt.

It was a successful evening. I sleep now.

~Sor
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(((AND I got to call my favourite EnZed boy and wish him a happy birthday.)))

There are such things as fun in the world, yesterday was probably not it.

Minor (that's a lie) panic attack and breakdown. And by minor, I mean lasted for something like an hour and a half? Hum

No, the bad part lasted about an hour, then being held by Ksatyr which helped like anything in making me feel safe, then went to Kung-fu for an hour and worked and lost track of life and managed to get myself mostly stable.

Didn't hit catharsispoint (The point where I can tell I'm no longer having a breakdown) until well after I got home, probably not until eight thirty or nine. Found it somewhere in the middle of reading the first chapter of Arrows of the Queen to Ksatyr. So yeah, woo catharsis. :p

***

So yeah. Forcing myself into a mask is good, because it does help calm me down. Going somewhere where I'm forced to do things with my body is good because that both tires me out and refocuses me. Books are good because they continue to be a way to escape, and one I'm unlikely to ever lose.

Breaking down is not so good. What can I say, I'm a fucked up individual, and it's taking me a long time to learn how to fix that. I need to be better at communicating to people (though some things just can't be said in words, especially not in text) and I need to figure out a way to get myself to the point where I can show weakness.

Which, it's really odd to realize, but I really do have serious difficulty with showing weakness of any sort, but especially mental. Call it pride, call it hiding, but I have to be strong for the world, and I need to teach myself that that's not really true.

Pretend that made sense. See above note about being fucked up.

As for right now, I'm okay. I'm masked myself into normality, laughing at Uncyclopedias version of Zork with Becky and generally enjoying life like I normally do.

Underneathe it all, I feel reeeeeeeeally drained though.

Woof. Bells. See yas

~Sor
MOOP!

Well...shit.

I just...figured out something reasonably important about myself.

...okay, we're being honest here. A painful and different thing for me, I know.

Its something pretty damn important about myself.

I've known for some time that I don't trust people real well. Probably a good lot of you know that as well --I've certainly bitched about it in some form or another, and if I haven't bitched here, it only means I never posted those rants. But last night, somewhere in between getting lost and getting home, I put it all together, and I think I finally have a pretty comprehensive picture of why.

I don't trust people, because I am dead scared of people leaving me. Or being taken away from me, is probably the slightly more accurate description. This *certainly* fits all but one (two?) of the crushes/relationships I've had in the past...oh...I was gonna just let it be from ninth grade, but then I let myself think back farther, and it reaches to at least fifth.


Reasons, bitching, evidence, history:

( Friends )



( boys (and girls) )



( Moving )



( <s>Daddy's Girl</s> )



( And one for the future... )


So yeah. There you go. Sor, in a nutshell. A crazy, paranoid, fucked up nutshell.

But at least I've figured out WHY I'm crazy. At least I can figure out someway to do something about it.

Have a good day.

~Katarina

MOOP!