X Years Ago Today

[sorcyress]

Apologies for missing yesterday, I suppose. This is really only just my project, I think, so I don't know why I feel the need to offer apologies to anyone else. Still though. It's just been...a long day. Didn't get a chance to post, not really, so I'm just going to skip the ninth and go onto the tenth.

The tenth is more relevant, anyways.

One year ago today, it was 2008. And I had a bit of a panic attack. Nothing too serious --just me bailing on reality for a bit, climbing my tree, talking to the denizens¹. Being shoeless and in a t-shirt in a tree, at night, in what I think I remember being wet. All of this (including and especially the bodymisery²) is very normal for me.

Different from most every panic attack prior to that date, this was the first time I have any memory of being able to Get Help with my insanities.

I'm up there, in my tree, with Gabe just holding me --not trying to help me, not trying to sort me out, just being this presence wrapped around me in a way that no one had ever really done in the real world³. And somehow, he gave me the strength to know that I would listen to someone else, and that the only way to do that was to use that tool in my pocket and call someone.

I forget exactly what I got Magus to tell me when I called him...something along the lines of "You're a worthwhile person, okay?". And...it worked. We talked a little on the phone, and a bunch on IM. It's frightening to trust like that; I'm still not really any good at it.

But at least I'm getting better.

Oh, and Sor? You're right here:
And I have no idea why I'm telling you all this and I think I may need to go sit quietly back behind my walls for a little bit, but that's probably not the right answer except it's safer there
Only not, because walls trap people inside them

Soyes. I'm actually planning to discuss the entry from today more when I get around to making my resolutions2008 post. But damn. It's nice to know how to trust people. And it's really really nice to know that I have people who, when they ask how I'm feeling, I can say I feel shit and babble a bit and they'll comfort me and randomly and for no reason tell me I'm pretty⁶.

Take care of yourselves, y'all. And call me if you need that shoulder --I mean it.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Annnd slitting Alis's throat. Yeah. I get fucked up during panic attacks. Luckily, denizens don't die like that.

2: Bodymisery --using the world around me to inadvertently hurt myself. Letting myself be hungry or freeze my ass off. Yes, I know I should do that sort of shit, but when I'm in that sort of state, I can't bring myself to care or believe I deserve the proper human comforts I tend to love.

3: I have this thing...since I was very young, most every time I've cried, I've had this desperate want for someone to just be there to hold me and help me feel better. Of course, if I called them or in any way got them to come do such a thing, it would be tainted by the fear that I was hurting someone through my own misery, or dragging them away from something more important⁴. As such, I have *been* held like I needed when I cried, twice now even. It's mind-bogglingly amazing to realize you're living one of your fantasys.⁵

4: Yes, I know this is *really* stupid. You don't have to tell me.

5: 2008 I got to live three big ones, that I remember. Yeah. Yeah. It was an amazing year.

6: Gods, I love that. I never get tired of it, and I'll probably never stop blushing and smiling like an idiot.

Comments

[marcmagus]

Judging from the chat log, I'm going to guess it was "You're a good person." Can't be sure, though, as you may well have said something slightly different on IM than the wording either of us used on the phone. It might have been "worthwhile". Both are true, in any case.

(Amusingly, I'm looking at the IM immediately preceding the one you've quoted.)

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

*nods* That does seem to be right. Butyeah. Thank you, again.

~Sor

[harena.livejournal.com]

Being held whilst sobbing is one of the best thing ever. And for all my messed-upnesses, i want you to know that i am here to support you whenever you feel you can allow me to need it as you have (and probly will again!) for me.

. o O (and as you have probly already noticed, not trusting people is not one of my Issues... (and off go my negvox again hoping you don't mind my oozing all over you (see, that's my issue right there (that & nesting paratheseseses) >.>) particularly in that one email) heck, my issue is more in the Trust People Too Much department and then getting burned rather badly.. never seem to learn from that either...)

[batshua]

HOLY CRAP, THAT'S A CUTE FERRET!

… I'm okay now.

*stares at the ferret*

*giggles*

[harena.livejournal.com]

*Ferret Giggles*

How about THIS one! :D

[batshua]

*is ded of teh cute*

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Hey kiddo, I think if I had my ways, I'd be of the trust too hard department. Problem is, I do learn every time I get burned, and learn so hard that I regress back behind my walls a bit.

~Sor

[harena.livejournal.com]

Awman, who burned you? Lemme at 'em!

*poings up & down brandishing ferret fists*


. o O (of course, you realize this makes me want to hguglebugglewuggle you even more, right?)

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

*smiles*

Yes, and that's very sweet, but I promise I'm pretty good at taking care of myself. Thank you, Har!

~Sor

[harena.livejournal.com]

Okay! i just don't like seeing people i love getting hurt. (tis a jolly good thing i *wasn't* able to go down to GA with W for the trial 'cause i may not have been able to restrain myself from throttling those people what took advantage of her good nature & then had the nerve to call her a liar and a thief ("can we say mirroring, boys & girls?") grawr)

[tirerim.livejournal.com]

I think I've told you this before, but in case not: the most useful thing I learned at Swarthmore was, "No matter what you say or do to me, I am still a worthwhile person." That was from freshman orientation. It works very well as a (literal) mantra, not just for other people, but for the universe in general.

As for the rest, you probably know by now that you can lean on me as much as you need.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I...I like that a lot.

It's right up there with something my mom told me --"You are the most important person in your life" Doesn't matter what else is going on, you have to look out for yourself first.

Yeah, I know. Thank you.

~Sor