Self-destruction
Jun. 30th, 2012 10:51 pmMild trigger-warnings for self injury and alcohol consumption
One of the many things playing havoc with my mind right now is the ways in which I do and don't self-destruct. Because right now, I've done a rather impressive job of fouling up my life, and getting out of that, as cleanly as possible, is a fascinating challenge.
Because I mostly haven't been wanting to hurt myself. There've been a couple of broken moments, but really, for the last week or so, I've been very productive, and in a very non-damaging way. Oh sure, I'm pushing myself in a lot of ways that are foreign to me, but being this stressed and broke almost feels more like mySelf than otherwise.
I really am a creature of the eleventh hour, aren't I?
At any rate, one of the things I am finding more necessary than usual is sensory drought/drown. I don't have a better word for this, only that it is a thing that happens in my life --when I get to a certain level of off-balance, I need *something* to spring me back. And usually, that involves appealing to the basic senses, and either cutting them off entirely or overwhelming them.
(This is what led to my ill-fated attempt to dance squares blindfolded on Tuesday. Hint: it does not work, at least not without more preperation on the parts of both myself and the square proper.)
So here's some sensory stuff I do to help my brain work:
( I know there are like twenty different senses, but let's go with Eyes, Ears, Mouth, Nose, and Fingertips )
All this babbling sortof comes completely tangentially to a comment a friend made offjournal back when I made my posts in early January about self-injury.![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
soong said "Why can't you have normal self destructive habits and just get drunk like the rest of us?" which is one of those things that I am both grateful is true, and a little...worried. Why aren't I able to drown my sorrows in the bottle when I absolutely need to? No, of course it's not a good thing to do often or regularly, but I keep alcohol in the house --hell, I probably have enough scotch alone to pickle an elephant-- and when it's been this bad a week...why shouldn't I pour myself a drink and maybe let the edges of my mind go a little fuzzy.
I think it mostly boils down to the fact that I am entirely lawful about alcohol, and always have been, and probably always will be (because there's a part of me that knows "just this once" is too easily "whenever I want"). No, I don't mean I didn't touch a drop until I turned 21, or I won't share good booze with minors, just that I created my own set of laws long ago, and they are unimpeachable. Chief among them is "I don't drink alone". But I also don't drink at parties hosted by college students, at burns, or at cons. I don't drink to get drunk. And if I ever utter or think the sentence "Lord, I need a drink", I am specifically not allowed to have one.
Maybe it's just because "ALCOHOL IS ALWAYS BAD" was drilled into my head when I was young. Maybe it's because I actually just dislike pretty much all the physical and mental symptoms of being tipsy. Maybe because there's a brilliant blackmail potential to being "the sober one". Or maybe I just know that I have a sometimes obsessive personality, and figure the fastest way to avoid the slippery slope is to avoid it as much as possible.
Look on the bright side, at least it's not as long as yesterday's post?
~Sor
MOOP!
One of the many things playing havoc with my mind right now is the ways in which I do and don't self-destruct. Because right now, I've done a rather impressive job of fouling up my life, and getting out of that, as cleanly as possible, is a fascinating challenge.
Because I mostly haven't been wanting to hurt myself. There've been a couple of broken moments, but really, for the last week or so, I've been very productive, and in a very non-damaging way. Oh sure, I'm pushing myself in a lot of ways that are foreign to me, but being this stressed and broke almost feels more like mySelf than otherwise.
I really am a creature of the eleventh hour, aren't I?
At any rate, one of the things I am finding more necessary than usual is sensory drought/drown. I don't have a better word for this, only that it is a thing that happens in my life --when I get to a certain level of off-balance, I need *something* to spring me back. And usually, that involves appealing to the basic senses, and either cutting them off entirely or overwhelming them.
(This is what led to my ill-fated attempt to dance squares blindfolded on Tuesday. Hint: it does not work, at least not without more preperation on the parts of both myself and the square proper.)
So here's some sensory stuff I do to help my brain work:
( I know there are like twenty different senses, but let's go with Eyes, Ears, Mouth, Nose, and Fingertips )
All this babbling sortof comes completely tangentially to a comment a friend made offjournal back when I made my posts in early January about self-injury.
soong said "Why can't you have normal self destructive habits and just get drunk like the rest of us?" which is one of those things that I am both grateful is true, and a little...worried. Why aren't I able to drown my sorrows in the bottle when I absolutely need to? No, of course it's not a good thing to do often or regularly, but I keep alcohol in the house --hell, I probably have enough scotch alone to pickle an elephant-- and when it's been this bad a week...why shouldn't I pour myself a drink and maybe let the edges of my mind go a little fuzzy. I think it mostly boils down to the fact that I am entirely lawful about alcohol, and always have been, and probably always will be (because there's a part of me that knows "just this once" is too easily "whenever I want"). No, I don't mean I didn't touch a drop until I turned 21, or I won't share good booze with minors, just that I created my own set of laws long ago, and they are unimpeachable. Chief among them is "I don't drink alone". But I also don't drink at parties hosted by college students, at burns, or at cons. I don't drink to get drunk. And if I ever utter or think the sentence "Lord, I need a drink", I am specifically not allowed to have one.
Maybe it's just because "ALCOHOL IS ALWAYS BAD" was drilled into my head when I was young. Maybe it's because I actually just dislike pretty much all the physical and mental symptoms of being tipsy. Maybe because there's a brilliant blackmail potential to being "the sober one". Or maybe I just know that I have a sometimes obsessive personality, and figure the fastest way to avoid the slippery slope is to avoid it as much as possible.
Look on the bright side, at least it's not as long as yesterday's post?
~Sor
MOOP!
