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sorcyressCOOLNESS IS OVERRATED
So, like ninety-eight percent of everyone worth hanging with, I have pretty massive impostor syndrome. I dunno if there's a proper name for it, but mom used to point out how much she adored the high-ego-masking-heavy-insecurity crowd. Of which we both Most Def belong to, sigh.
But I've been getting into some...arguments is a strong word, but disagreements lately specifically about the word "cool". I am not cool.
Please let me repeat that louder: I AM NOT COOL.
And sure, some of me feeling weird when people call me cool is the way it rubs up against my impostor syndrome, or insecurities, or the feminine-trained need to play down arrogance in a huge way1. But there's an extra prickle that comes specifically from "cool", that I don't get in the same way when someone calls me "awesome" or "splendid" or "adorable".
As a person who most closely IDs their culture as "geek"3, of course I'm gonna be reluctant to call myself cool. Society has put a lot of investment into the "geek" vs "cool" dichotomy, which like so many social divides, is pretty bullshit4. But even knowing it's bullshit, I get twitchy.
And I don't think I should! If I take a step back and analyze some of my base qualities, I am pretty fucking cool! I'm really good at not giving a shit what other people think of me. I am _amazingly_ self assured6, 7. I'm pretty good at respecting boundaries (the number of cute ladies who I haven't kissed is greater than one and I'm sad about all the missed opportunities but hey, they've either since kissed me sober, or not, and I'm happier either way not to feel icky about it.). I wear some fucking awesome outfits, double so now that I'm starting to paint my face on the regular. I largely don't respond to peer pressure. I keep my judgey-self pretty well locked away from my social-self. I am actively not a dick to service personnel (note to self, find out where Lisa-the-lunch-lady got to, and say hi), and even if that's partly a Slytherin flies-with-honey reflex, it's still a pretty damn Good and Kinda Cool thing to do.
I should absolutely accept that I am cool. Especially when I'm inexplicably labeled such by the awesome youngsters I get to interact with (all of whom are _so awesome_ whathehell?)
But yesterday, I clicked another part of why being called cool makes my skin crawl:
Cool people are not enthusiastic.
Period, full stop. Cool people are somewhat aloof. There's a lot of tie-in with the cynic and the iconoclast, the multiple layers of irony warping "do they like that?" into a joke and then a meta-joke. A cool dude might nod ever so slightly8, but he's sure as hell not gonna start bouncing excitedly because DID YOU SEE THE COOL BUG COME LOOK AT THE FROGS!
Liking things sincerely is not cool. Expressing positive emotions --GUSHING positive emotions (or really any emotions) is not cool. I am a pretty strongly emotional person9, both good and bad, and seriously, I find it way easier to be enthusiastic about stuff than to feign disdain, or even just dial it back a few notches. THERE IS SO MUCH AWESOME STUFF IN THE WORLD AND I JUST WANNA SHOUT ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME!!!
So there's the rub. Part of why I can't handle "cool" is because of how strongly I hear it as "reserved". And please don't call me reserved. Even my coworkers know I'm weird, I can't lock that shit down, okay? (I mean, I can and do the worst of it, but seriously, a student asked why x0 = 1 today and I wasn't totally sure I could explain it (or even knew) and as I started going, I managed to realize it's because of multiplicative identities (I think) and I gave an excited little mini-lesson on the board and that was so fun and I wanna tell my boss and all my coworkers about the neat thing that happened in my class!)
Coolness is overrated. Get excited instead!
~Sor
MOOP!
0: no, sorry, that was an exponent. There's no footnote here.
1: Not to mention the probably feminine-trained (but maybe just neurotic) need to downplay my personal role in things. I am pretty good at Getting Things Done. I get pretty fucking weird when people pay me positive attention for Getting Things Done. If you're ever clapping for me for some reason, there's a non-zero chance I feel weird and kinda uncomfortable about it because more likely or not, the reason I did the thing in the first place was because it needed doing by _someone_, and I am competent.
Me doing things that needed to be done (me making other people's lives easier2) is not an accomplishment to be lauded. It is the baseline of the universe. You should sooner applaud me for breathing, eating, and maintaining a steady heartbeat.
2: Fundamental truth: I Am Here To Make Other People's Lives Easier.
...but recently Alys said something to me about how it may be a Truth, but that doesn't mean I have to listen to it. Which...I am not examining further because damn that's an uncomfortable thing to poke. (She is the best sister).
3: White culture doesn't exist, and most of the ways I am raised counter to the norm come from having geeky parents. I still feel weird saying things like this --first of all, plenty of people from other cultures also come from geek households
4: And let's be real, I'm so bisexual I have to run around in the shower to get wet5, so like, being in the middle of yet another spectrum should work out just fine for me.
5: ...speaking of weird cultural artifacts from my family.
6: "I tell myself in the mirror that every day" -- RIP Patrick Verona
7: Like seriously, I have a *foundational* sense of self. Even when I am a fucking crazemessed disassociofreak, I still know exactly who and what I am. I even know that I'll get through. Sometimes I just gotta sob like a nightmare for a bit to maintain that accuracy of Self.
8: ...oh fuck, I identify with Dave Strider. Oh _fuck_, fuck, I ID with him really hard and how did I never notice that before? I mean, he is cool...when he's not being a ginormous dweeb. And oh lord, is he a ginormous dweeb, and I think that's the part I love, that there's this super cool guy, who can absolutely not handle ANYTHING AT ALL.
9: *casually throws shade*
So, like ninety-eight percent of everyone worth hanging with, I have pretty massive impostor syndrome. I dunno if there's a proper name for it, but mom used to point out how much she adored the high-ego-masking-heavy-insecurity crowd. Of which we both Most Def belong to, sigh.
But I've been getting into some...arguments is a strong word, but disagreements lately specifically about the word "cool". I am not cool.
Please let me repeat that louder: I AM NOT COOL.
And sure, some of me feeling weird when people call me cool is the way it rubs up against my impostor syndrome, or insecurities, or the feminine-trained need to play down arrogance in a huge way1. But there's an extra prickle that comes specifically from "cool", that I don't get in the same way when someone calls me "awesome" or "splendid" or "adorable".
As a person who most closely IDs their culture as "geek"3, of course I'm gonna be reluctant to call myself cool. Society has put a lot of investment into the "geek" vs "cool" dichotomy, which like so many social divides, is pretty bullshit4. But even knowing it's bullshit, I get twitchy.
And I don't think I should! If I take a step back and analyze some of my base qualities, I am pretty fucking cool! I'm really good at not giving a shit what other people think of me. I am _amazingly_ self assured6, 7. I'm pretty good at respecting boundaries (the number of cute ladies who I haven't kissed is greater than one and I'm sad about all the missed opportunities but hey, they've either since kissed me sober, or not, and I'm happier either way not to feel icky about it.). I wear some fucking awesome outfits, double so now that I'm starting to paint my face on the regular. I largely don't respond to peer pressure. I keep my judgey-self pretty well locked away from my social-self. I am actively not a dick to service personnel (note to self, find out where Lisa-the-lunch-lady got to, and say hi), and even if that's partly a Slytherin flies-with-honey reflex, it's still a pretty damn Good and Kinda Cool thing to do.
I should absolutely accept that I am cool. Especially when I'm inexplicably labeled such by the awesome youngsters I get to interact with (all of whom are _so awesome_ whathehell?)
But yesterday, I clicked another part of why being called cool makes my skin crawl:
Cool people are not enthusiastic.
Period, full stop. Cool people are somewhat aloof. There's a lot of tie-in with the cynic and the iconoclast, the multiple layers of irony warping "do they like that?" into a joke and then a meta-joke. A cool dude might nod ever so slightly8, but he's sure as hell not gonna start bouncing excitedly because DID YOU SEE THE COOL BUG COME LOOK AT THE FROGS!
Liking things sincerely is not cool. Expressing positive emotions --GUSHING positive emotions (or really any emotions) is not cool. I am a pretty strongly emotional person9, both good and bad, and seriously, I find it way easier to be enthusiastic about stuff than to feign disdain, or even just dial it back a few notches. THERE IS SO MUCH AWESOME STUFF IN THE WORLD AND I JUST WANNA SHOUT ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME!!!
So there's the rub. Part of why I can't handle "cool" is because of how strongly I hear it as "reserved". And please don't call me reserved. Even my coworkers know I'm weird, I can't lock that shit down, okay? (I mean, I can and do the worst of it, but seriously, a student asked why x0 = 1 today and I wasn't totally sure I could explain it (or even knew) and as I started going, I managed to realize it's because of multiplicative identities (I think) and I gave an excited little mini-lesson on the board and that was so fun and I wanna tell my boss and all my coworkers about the neat thing that happened in my class!)
Coolness is overrated. Get excited instead!
~Sor
MOOP!
0: no, sorry, that was an exponent. There's no footnote here.
1: Not to mention the probably feminine-trained (but maybe just neurotic) need to downplay my personal role in things. I am pretty good at Getting Things Done. I get pretty fucking weird when people pay me positive attention for Getting Things Done. If you're ever clapping for me for some reason, there's a non-zero chance I feel weird and kinda uncomfortable about it because more likely or not, the reason I did the thing in the first place was because it needed doing by _someone_, and I am competent.
Me doing things that needed to be done (me making other people's lives easier2) is not an accomplishment to be lauded. It is the baseline of the universe. You should sooner applaud me for breathing, eating, and maintaining a steady heartbeat.
2: Fundamental truth: I Am Here To Make Other People's Lives Easier.
...but recently Alys said something to me about how it may be a Truth, but that doesn't mean I have to listen to it. Which...I am not examining further because damn that's an uncomfortable thing to poke. (She is the best sister).
3: White culture doesn't exist, and most of the ways I am raised counter to the norm come from having geeky parents. I still feel weird saying things like this --first of all, plenty of people from other cultures also come from geek households
4: And let's be real, I'm so bisexual I have to run around in the shower to get wet5, so like, being in the middle of yet another spectrum should work out just fine for me.
5: ...speaking of weird cultural artifacts from my family.
6: "I tell myself in the mirror that every day" -- RIP Patrick Verona
7: Like seriously, I have a *foundational* sense of self. Even when I am a fucking crazemessed disassociofreak, I still know exactly who and what I am. I even know that I'll get through. Sometimes I just gotta sob like a nightmare for a bit to maintain that accuracy of Self.
8: ...oh fuck, I identify with Dave Strider. Oh _fuck_, fuck, I ID with him really hard and how did I never notice that before? I mean, he is cool...when he's not being a ginormous dweeb. And oh lord, is he a ginormous dweeb, and I think that's the part I love, that there's this super cool guy, who can absolutely not handle ANYTHING AT ALL.
9: *casually throws shade*