I am bad at silence

[sorcyress]

I have been known to say to various people at various times that I am "bad at silence". This happens most often when there is just me and one other person, and we are in extended close contact --spending a few hours together doing whatever. What I mean by this is that I don't like long periods where neither of us are talking. This happens frequently when out walking through the world with people, at restaurants, on transit...basically any situation where it would be considered rude to pull out a book and read for a while.

The biggest thing for me is that, if there is no conversation to focus on, I will instead focus on my own thoughts. My thoughts move very quickly, and unless you distract me, I spend a lot of time focusing on subtleties. I overanalyze things. It is a flaw of mine that I read too much into every little gesture, word, movement, touch between us (and a huge part of why I am intentionally so focused on being explicit in my relationships. I overcommunicate because I don't trust the analysis my mind creates, and I want to know what you actually mean.)

And of course, one of the things I will immediately start overanalyzing --unless I have something else to distract me¹-- is the silence. "Why are you being silent, what was last said, do I need to respond to it, or elaborate on it, fuck what is going on, we're holding hands but is that good? Should I let go? Oh hey I want to go walk on that wall instead of the sidewalk, but maybe that'd be weird, oh god do I look okay right now, is my hair behaving? Oh look a backhoe, okay I'm squeeing about the backhoe and...no response. Shit. Shit! Do they not like me because I get stupid overenthusiastic over backhoes? Oh god this isn't going to work out say something say something say something!"

1: This is why I do not typically say on IM that I am bad at silence. There is a whole wealth of internet I can be doing in between receiving your messages, and it makes it very easy not to dwell.

My response, often, is to babble. But that's just not optimal. Not just because I am at my least impressive when forced to communicate solely through the spoken word (my babbling online is, at the very least, better structured) but also because it tells me nothing, or very little, about you. I *like* learning about you. I like knowing what people are passionate about, what they're into, what they've done, what they want. Those are all really nifty things to me, and if I'm babbling about my hair, I can't be learning them.

Now, there are some people with whom I can have a perfectly comfortable silence, even without other things to distract me. Usually people I've known a long time, and spent much time around. And I do better with silence some days than others, and to be perfectly honest, sometimes I just want the world to shut up for a while so I can think (although that's usually not during times when I've planned to spend time with someone.)

So, when I say that I am bad at silence (which almost always happens after a few minutes of nobody talking) you should take it as an invitation. Tell me something --anything-- about yourself. Tell me what's on your mind. If the conversation we were having wasn't working, well, switch wildly off topic. Just...talk to me.

Save me from the silence. Save me from my own head.

~Sor
MOOP!

Comments

[tirerim]

I am bad at silence, too, at least in the sense that I am bad at not being silent if I am with someone who is also being silent. (I do some of the analysis, too, though exactly what I wind up analyzing can vary a good bit.) For the record, the best way to get me to be not silent is to talk to me, give me something to respond to. It won't always work, because sometimes I still won't come up with anything, but often it will lead my thoughts in a new direction, and then I'll be able to voice them. Which is why I don't mind when you babble (or anyone else who likewise babbles intelligently).

Oh, and also: backhoes are awesome.

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

I tend to fill too much silence with meta-conversation - I will start going on and on about the not talking, and then about the talking, and then about the talking about the talking, all the while hoping that someone comes up with a more interesting topic. And it's usually not me.

But yeah. Me too.

[math-fridge.livejournal.com]

<3