MOOP!

So! You may have seen mention that I am in California, and you may have even heard me mention, offhand, that I am out here to visit my clone. If you have not been following this journal for a particularly long time, you may not realize I have a clone. This is a shame, as they are one of my favourite people in the world (obviously).

Our clone-dom originally came about superficially. We met over a decade ago through the INTERNET, and decided that we were clearly clones of each other due to a handful of Wacky Coincidences in our fannish and otherwise tendencies. This was ultimately a good decision.

Having a clone means that I know I will always have at least one person in the world who is not going to judge me for my bullshit. Or rather, he will totally judge me for my bullshit, and probably laugh at it, but will still be there when it's through. It means I will always have at least one person in the world who is willing to give me a hug despite their own desires¹, just because that's what I need. It means I have someone who I can share the brainweasels with, and the neuro-atypical stuff, and the weird wounded matter-of-fact hurts, without having to spend endless time explaining the background because he just gets me.

It means that one of my Truths (this is my theme this month, the idea of things that are True, apparently) is that I have someone on my side who is out there and loves me like fire and truth and the end of the world.

The nature of being a clone (of being a dual-clone, because in my future I will go back in time to clone myself to be him, and in his, back to clone me) is that I am not alone.

I mean, naturally in the day-to-day it's quite easy to be alone. I am fucked up and sometimes I disappear, for minutes-hours-days-weeks² and am alone. But I know he's out there and waiting for me to get my head back together. If I complain to him, he will give me space to be vanished, or help to get back in. I am not alone in fighting my demons.

That's a good and valuable thing. And that's why it's so unbelievably great that I have a clone, since for all the help I need and get from other people, I am always capable of getting it here too, from him.

I don't get out here often enough to visit, which is no good. California is the vacation that feels like a vacation, like lounging and reading good books and playing video games (zommmmmbieees). But it's also the space that feels like creativity, because the two of us make each other laugh damn near constant, and we write stories together, sharing characters and plots.

This entry is meandery. mek is rad. There we go.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Not that my desires would want hugs if he didn't wanna deliver them, but that's a separate thing.

2: And last year I disappeared for about five months, from October 2013 well into the Spring. I am keenly aware that happened, and desperate to ever keep it from reoccurring. Some days I am more successful than others.

So, now that I'm in a less silly mood, I can make real posts.

I've found that I still have Zork on my computer. I think that this will become a summer project, as if I'm going to play it, I ought to play it PROPER with maps and inventory lists and whatnot.

GTalk rocks because it saves conversations AS YOU'RE HAVING THEM! And I don't even need to do anything! This makes it even easier then before to stalk the lot of you. *grin*

Not that theres a huge number of people on it. But I've got mek, Tho, and Veronica, so that's all good.

Me and V played Mega Bomberman for the first time in a while today! We learned that we still suck at beating the computer players, and that she makes stupid poses when she wins where *I* get to wave around a cool looking fan.

We also wrote up the Lunch Table Drinking Game. I shall definently post it at some point...ah, heck, I'll post it now. If you don't know who any of these people are, don't worry about it. It's just a bit of crazyness from your resident weirdos.

( There is always room for one more at our table... )

Yes it's just a big long list of in-jokes and stereotypical behavior that we have. We're like that.

Hmmm...thoughtstream dearest, where arrrrre you? Ah, Elsewhere. That's no good. And a note on that, I'm not leaving Elsewhere by any stretch of the imagination, I'm just leaving the more fantastical way it used to be. Elsewhere is just daydreams and life-fics, and if I got rid of those, what would I do on the walk to school? Or more importantly, those lonely ones home where I'm all by myself.

I've decided that I like my hair, and I think that I'll keep it long. I was contemplating chopping it off again and making it spiky short (Because if you're not going to have long hair, you should at least gel it up sometime...Yes Eric, I'm talking to you.) but I think that I prefer it like this.

And I braided it today, all by myself! *bounces* This is new and exciting for me, and it's actually a tolerable braid. Not dad quality, sure, and probably not sutible for games of blind tag or kung-fu, but perfectly decent for the day to day basis. Clealy this is a talent I must practise, like coiling cords or backrubs. Speaking of which, I need to *find* a cord to coil. My ipod-computer cable is too short...

...

Ohthankgod, elljay wins for not deleting that. *sigh of relief*

No, I didn't just accidentally log out of the window where I was typing this. Yes, I realize I should type thoughtstreams into notepad or gmail.

Sooooooo...I have typing I *should* do, namely poems. Much poemwork to be dealt with. V, if I show up to your house in a screaming panic anytime soon, try to be indulgent.

I love reading old things I've written. Not stories, generally, as I tend to cringe and cry at those, but old journal entries and the whatnot. Old Origins reports... *sighs*

Next year, love. Regardless. God, I'll be graduated by then. Dear shisuss, I'm getting old. And college. Holy bugger-fuck^*, college.

>.<

I...am doomed. Hullo, HCC, how're you today? If I can do half as well as mum does, maybe I could figure out a way to transfer somewhere a little more...not community collegeish.

*sighs*

Mom mentioned to me recently that my recent entries have all been a lot more depressed/depressing. Oddly, I agree, and I spent the better part of a thought-process trying to figure it out. I think it's this: my life isn't really any better or worse then it was three years ago, but I write in here more. I've ALWAYS written long depressed angsty emoish rants and raves and self hate and bile. I just don't normally post very much of it.

Mostly it stays locked on Dmitri or in a forgotten notebook. And for the worst of it, hidden as best I can --in plain sight. The self-hate, the wants for suicide, the truly childish bursts of anger and angst...in short, whenever I was being a drama queen.

Huh, almost made a footnote to the effect that, no, I am not planning on commiting suicide anytime soon, there are too many people who would be too badly hurt. But I think most of you know that by now, it's certainly been a subject I've touched on ocassionally. So why am I so defensive about it? Is it because I think I need to convince myself??

I would hope, and claim, no. I know that I am mentally unable to kill myself, not with all you nofty viewers back home who I refuse to hurt that badly, but emotionally...emotions are a tricky thing. They shift and change, far too fast for my feeble mind. Emotionally, do I still hit that point?

...I don't think so. Of all the Sandman I've read, even if it is just the first three books, the one image that has stuck with me the strongest is when Dreams goes to hell and passes the wood of suicides. That's nothing that I want to become, and nothing I WILL become. Suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness, and all society says that selfish is bad. "Ah, but Sorcy dear," SHE whispers to me in her sweetest hiss. "Are you not sworn to defying what society thinks of you? You never do succeed, but shouldn't you at least try. Just one. more. time?"

And swoop, SHE's gone, a chill down my spine and a nervous feeling. I stil don't understand HER, but truly, who understands themselves? Especially their inner demons...

I defy society, but not morality. Hell, if you look at my morals, I'm more stubborn in them then nearly anyone I know. Sex, is icky, and kissing almost as much so. Really, I don't think I'm exaggerating when I call it sucking face, I don't know WHAT you lot all see in it. You make it look quite unapitizing, that's for sure. *gives Veronica a pointed look. GSA party?*

And yes, I have a girlfriend. Who is nearly as asexual as I am. People always get this shocked look when I say I've never even frenched her, and I have a nagging suspicion that the world assumes that these past ten months have culminated in sex.

Really, I'm not made for romance, and even less for for lust. I flirt, yes, with everyone, and generally in a very silly sort of way. True, there can be seriousness involved, more with some people then others (Josh for example, is purely platonic. Chris, is painfully platonic. Eric is ...hmmm...need more p words...hah, therewego, partly platonic. Did I just ruin a good example by using alliteration? (Yes))

On the whole though, I'm better? at being single. Hum, what was it I said? And where --most likely here, but plausibly Behind The Walls...lemme go find it. "It must be something about summer that makes me feel asexual." Oddly true that one is. I don't always agree with my younger selves, but this one is right.

So, in that case, one wonders exactly how I got together with Blue in the first place. Or why Taya still holds so much sway over me (Goddamn you memories) even though she was nothing more then a closely guarded crush. VERY closely guarded.

Heh, maybe the summer just makes me saphhic. Bad news for all them boys. Boys? We don't need no stinkin' boys. Well...maybe just a fewww

Hey V, I officially declare that when we take over the world, we each get a harem. Yes, you can have Orlie (*gagdiepuke*) although by that point he'll be all ancient and not cute anymore, so, of course, you'll be completely over him. There is something to be said for lusting after older actors, they're distinguished! Johnny Depp is very unlikely to lose any of his zohmygod sexiness, same with Gary Oldman or Alan Rickman. Or Tim Curry.

Oh dear, I seem to have gone full spectrum. Silly to thoughtful to melencholy to thoughtful to silly. I do that a lot. I am, at heart, an optimist, and a happy person. Or so I claim. :D

I seem to be out. Which is good, as I should do some work on my poetry project. I need a song for it...Sweet Transvestite, perhaps? What, it fits my theme of individuality and being true to yourself and all that!! (Oh does it EVER!)

I better not HLN that one. Too likely to write in all the AP lines. And there are some bad ones for that song.

Actually, I'm really tempted by that now. *sighs* "If the thought of something makes me giggle for at least 15 seconds, I will assume that it's not allowed"

...Does Sweet Transvestite contain any swears? *looks* Holy shite, most excellent. It uses hell once...but that's excusable. Mrs. Hickman's going to think I'm WEIRD.

You mean she doesn't already?

I don't think she really thinks much of me one way or the other. I'm not entierly her most productive student. Maybe I'd be better if she gave out any sort of, oh, GUIDELINES FOR FUT THE WUCK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING! *grumbles* Stupid English teacher.

...I should do some work on the big secret project for next year. Most importantly, legality and money issues. *SIGH!* Stupid administration. *shakes fist* What I would give for a libral, or even just not so screamingly conservitive principal. Someone who would, you know, actually agknowladge the GayStraightAllience or support the drama kids juuuuuuuust a little bit. (Is it bad that even a little support would be an improvement? *sigh*)

Soooooo...yes. An extra several paragraphs of thoughtstream has led to a single bit of work on my project. Procrastinators of the world unite! ...tomorrow. Of course, I generally type fast enough that several paragraphs really isn't much more then a few minutes of life.

Still, work. Hey lookit that, we don't really have a working printer. *pokes at the scanner/printer pretending to be attached to Dmitri.* Hum, wonder how this hooks up.

Ah, frell it, I'll just gmail myself and print it via Rocky/Biff/Clyde/whatever it is moms upstairs computer is named. Easier then arguing with Dimi. *pets Dmitri sweetly* Sadist of a computer, I think he enjoys tormenting me. We really need to get him that cute little laptop for him to serenade. For those going "Uh what?" blame Thorog. He's the one that suggested I could placate Dmitri about Seren (my still nonexistent ibook...she's going to be obsolete before I actually succeed in recieving her!) by getting Dimi to serenade her.

Silly is right. Although Mal's setting me on edge.

...Huh. I wonder how intentional that was. Names have such an interesting spin to them. What makes me Sor or Kat at any given time? It really is fifty-fifty or so as to which I call myself at any given point. If I'm talking to, with, or about mek I'm certainly Sor.

And on a similar note, when am I Rin then? Simply when I trail into the fantastical? let's not follow this path, it prooves unsteady.

Alright, vanishing for real this time. Funny, I'm not usually so verbose, I swear! But no elljay cuts for you, neener neener. Mostly because I'm lazy.

Ta then, for now.

~Sor
MOOP!

*Yes, I realize that this is a redundent curse. I still like it, mostly because long strings of curses are MUCH more fun. My current favorite is probably "Son of a priest and a bright orange spoon"