Heyo it’s pride month! Happy Pride, if that is something you celebrate in your particular version of yourself.

I’d love to hear what gender/romantic/sexuality identity words you are currently using, regardless of whether you think I know them or not (and regardless of whether or not you feel they qualify under the pride umbrella! I’m interested in knowing if you’re cis and allo and het too!). Drop a comment!

Here are mine:

I was really really really fascinated when I did the Gender Census and actively did not select nonbinary, because that is the word I use most often or maybe it’s just the word I use most often in front of [presumed] cishet people. But my gender is really “agender” or “genderneutral” or “genderqueer” or just “queer”. It’s not _exactly_ that I don’t have a gender, it’s more that my gender is a series of play and performance and not a singular identity? I’m not sure on that, I’m going to keep poking at that one (especially because despite the sound of it, I don’t usually use the term “genderfluid”.) Anyways, my pronoun is “they”¹ and my title is “mx” and both of those make me so fucking happy every time I hear someone using them.

Romantically, I am “queer” first and foremost, but I also use bisexual pretty often and gay occasionally. Historically I have been attracted to and dated men (to the point where I sometimes joke I am the worlds worst lesbian –I have kissed a substantial number of FAAB people who later do not identify as female) but in more recent years it’s been pretty clear that I am attracted to queerness, whatever that means. I date very few people who are both cis and het (and indeed, my own gender means people who seriously date me cannot be irrevocably straight.)

Romantically I am polyamorous, and aim to not be the nesting/primary partner for any of my partners. I have been known to say both “my primary partner is work” and “my primary partner is dance” and I stand by at least the latter of those. I am in five serious relationships and have a small handful of comets or flirtations, some of which seem never to go anywhere. I keep a list of everyone I’ve ever kissed/fucked/dated and sometimes put future speculation on there because I am a horrible gremlin but also at this point I am interested to find out if I have enough historical data to actually make longterm predictions.

Sexually, I am slutty. Bodies are so _so_ attractive to me, and I wind up Noticing Respectfully people just about everywhere I go, because dang, have you seen people? People are so hot. Like...so many people are so hot. I have a lot more experience and confidence with penis-based-anatomy than with vulva-based anatomy. I don’t receive PiV intercourse, and I don’t believe in orgasms as the point of sex, which means my sex sometimes looks very different from what people might think. I am kinky and like tying just about anyone up, sexually or not. I’m wired a little funny vis-a-vis pain and pleasure and what makes me happy to receive. I’m the biggest voyeur in the entire universe and absolutely want to hear about your sex life, especially if it ~looks weird~ so I can reassure you that no that’s awesome and I’m glad you have weird things that make you happy.

Fundamentally, I am Queer, in the sense of “the only truly universal queer experience is doubting you’re queer enough”. There is room under my umbrella for you, and you are welcome here with me. Community is good and there is no such thing as a “good queer” to the people who hate us, so why not just be magnificently ourselves instead?

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I have secret pronouns as well, a set of neopronouns that I am rolling around in the back of my brain to see if they ever actually amount to something good. You probably don’t know me well enough to get me to tell you what they are, especially because I haven’t quite worked out all the grammar yet. To be clear though, they are a joke, and that’s an important part of them, that they are something playful, because I could say “my gender is play” and be hardly shitposting at all.

Not quite often enough¹, I go down to MGH (a convenient ride on the red line, slightly less convenient but still doable on the green) and give blood at their donor center. Sometimes I get organized enough to bring other people with me, sometimes I just go myself, but at this point it's all pretty old hat: read the literature², explain to the nurse that I checked yes on heart problems because I had a PDA and it's been repaired³, hop in the chair, drink even more water than that, eat some snacks, head home. It takes a couple hours?

And over the 18 years I've been eligible to give blood, I've done so at lots of different places. Even now, I could keep my eyes open for closer blood drives than ~all the way at MGH~ --I mean, I know the armory does them sometimes, and that's just down the street! But I know the structure at MGH, I know where to go, I like the snack options, everything is no-nonsense and as enjoyable as it can be.

And MGH, unique to all other blood donor centers I've contributed at, will send me an email with the subject line "You Just Saved Lives!". Two or three weeks later, presumably when some amount of paperwork has been sorted out and tracked and etc.

Today I have eaten breakfast, and gone to a dull meeting, and worked with a bunch of students, and archived some emails. And saved someone's life. Helped another human who was at risk of peril, of death, of griveious bodily harm, and made it better for them.

It's a fucking fantastic email to get. It is something that I think will never _ever_ get old. What did you do today Kat? I saved someone's life. Bam.

Anyways, I'm eligable again in June so I'm probably gonna aim for that week of July where I'm not at Pinewoods. Anyone who wants to join me, drop me a line. I'm happy to hold your hand (metaphorically or literally) for any part of it you need. You too could save lives.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Maximum is six times a year, optimal would probably be about four, I've never managed more than three times in the same calendar year, and in 2023 I think I only donated once.

2: WHICH HAS UPDATED TO BE GENDER NEUTRAL HOLY SHIT. I fuckin' _cried_ this most recent time because _they actually want my queer blood_.

3: This most recent time I learned that a patent ductus arteriosus repair is maybe the only heart problem that you *can* still donate blood after.

((A/N: I apologize, as this entry is *especially* meandery. I must be tired or something.))

Three years ago today.

Three years ago today, it was 2006. And I was looking for something, and found something else entirely.

That something else entirely was a journal, written by my clone. Among other things, it not so subtly said he loved me. Me, of all things, of all people. Crazy, confused, insecure little me.

It...started a very weird part of time for me. Not quite dating mek, but not really seeing Blue often enough to feel like we were even in our relationship. Everything got strained and confusing, and somewhere along the way, a word that I had heard whispered here or there pointed itself out to me: Polyamory.

I eventually broke, as I am inclined to do when I'm high on emotion and low on ability to deal, and talked to a friend about it all, and the end result of that was me giving mek a very firm "I've been really fucking confused, but we're just friends" talk. And things were weird between us for a while, but not very, and not for long, and we're both so good at masking ourselves that we pretended everything was perfectly alright between us. That word I had found got tucked firmly away, gnawing at the back of my mind.

The first person I ever came out to as polyamorous was Magus, which I inadvertently did via one of my first NancyButtons --"BiPolySwitch, I'm not indecisive, I'm greedy.¹". He asked me about the poly thing, and I may or may not have babbled something useless back. (I babble a lot around people I trust) I got the gist across though, certainly. I was poly. And breaking up with my partner in less than a month.

I was solidly single for about two months after that point, and while the next boy I went with accepted the poly thing (for reasons that would be really obvious if I was un-cryptic enough to properly explain who he was) the one after that, Ksatyr, didn't. No fault of his, at all --some people are monoamorous, some people are not. By the time Ksatyr and I broke up, I had pretty much figured out that I was solidly not.

I'm not going to swear I'll never be in a monoamorous relationship again, but I think it's somewhat unlikely to happen. I like people, more or less all of them, and if it's at all possible, several at a time. I'm really really happy where I am right now, with my complications and significant others and girlfriend-in-laws. I am connected to really really good people, and I like having that in my life.

So, three years ago today, my brain broke, with shock, and confusion, and weirdness. And, in putting itself back together, it realized one of the most important things about me that there is to know.

It's been a good three years for me.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Mom later forbade me from wearing the button, telling me only so much as that switch was not a thing I should be advertising. It took me bloody forever to figure out what the hell it meant --it's a BDSM term, meaning willing to play both Dom and Sub.

I'm not really in the BDSM scene at all --largely Not My Kink. But I, to a certain extent, both dom and sub relationships. I'm not indecisive. I'm greedy.

So, now that I'm in a less silly mood, I can make real posts.

I've found that I still have Zork on my computer. I think that this will become a summer project, as if I'm going to play it, I ought to play it PROPER with maps and inventory lists and whatnot.

GTalk rocks because it saves conversations AS YOU'RE HAVING THEM! And I don't even need to do anything! This makes it even easier then before to stalk the lot of you. *grin*

Not that theres a huge number of people on it. But I've got mek, Tho, and Veronica, so that's all good.

Me and V played Mega Bomberman for the first time in a while today! We learned that we still suck at beating the computer players, and that she makes stupid poses when she wins where *I* get to wave around a cool looking fan.

We also wrote up the Lunch Table Drinking Game. I shall definently post it at some point...ah, heck, I'll post it now. If you don't know who any of these people are, don't worry about it. It's just a bit of crazyness from your resident weirdos.

( There is always room for one more at our table... )

Yes it's just a big long list of in-jokes and stereotypical behavior that we have. We're like that.

Hmmm...thoughtstream dearest, where arrrrre you? Ah, Elsewhere. That's no good. And a note on that, I'm not leaving Elsewhere by any stretch of the imagination, I'm just leaving the more fantastical way it used to be. Elsewhere is just daydreams and life-fics, and if I got rid of those, what would I do on the walk to school? Or more importantly, those lonely ones home where I'm all by myself.

I've decided that I like my hair, and I think that I'll keep it long. I was contemplating chopping it off again and making it spiky short (Because if you're not going to have long hair, you should at least gel it up sometime...Yes Eric, I'm talking to you.) but I think that I prefer it like this.

And I braided it today, all by myself! *bounces* This is new and exciting for me, and it's actually a tolerable braid. Not dad quality, sure, and probably not sutible for games of blind tag or kung-fu, but perfectly decent for the day to day basis. Clealy this is a talent I must practise, like coiling cords or backrubs. Speaking of which, I need to *find* a cord to coil. My ipod-computer cable is too short...

...

Ohthankgod, elljay wins for not deleting that. *sigh of relief*

No, I didn't just accidentally log out of the window where I was typing this. Yes, I realize I should type thoughtstreams into notepad or gmail.

Sooooooo...I have typing I *should* do, namely poems. Much poemwork to be dealt with. V, if I show up to your house in a screaming panic anytime soon, try to be indulgent.

I love reading old things I've written. Not stories, generally, as I tend to cringe and cry at those, but old journal entries and the whatnot. Old Origins reports... *sighs*

Next year, love. Regardless. God, I'll be graduated by then. Dear shisuss, I'm getting old. And college. Holy bugger-fuck^*, college.

>.<

I...am doomed. Hullo, HCC, how're you today? If I can do half as well as mum does, maybe I could figure out a way to transfer somewhere a little more...not community collegeish.

*sighs*

Mom mentioned to me recently that my recent entries have all been a lot more depressed/depressing. Oddly, I agree, and I spent the better part of a thought-process trying to figure it out. I think it's this: my life isn't really any better or worse then it was three years ago, but I write in here more. I've ALWAYS written long depressed angsty emoish rants and raves and self hate and bile. I just don't normally post very much of it.

Mostly it stays locked on Dmitri or in a forgotten notebook. And for the worst of it, hidden as best I can --in plain sight. The self-hate, the wants for suicide, the truly childish bursts of anger and angst...in short, whenever I was being a drama queen.

Huh, almost made a footnote to the effect that, no, I am not planning on commiting suicide anytime soon, there are too many people who would be too badly hurt. But I think most of you know that by now, it's certainly been a subject I've touched on ocassionally. So why am I so defensive about it? Is it because I think I need to convince myself??

I would hope, and claim, no. I know that I am mentally unable to kill myself, not with all you nofty viewers back home who I refuse to hurt that badly, but emotionally...emotions are a tricky thing. They shift and change, far too fast for my feeble mind. Emotionally, do I still hit that point?

...I don't think so. Of all the Sandman I've read, even if it is just the first three books, the one image that has stuck with me the strongest is when Dreams goes to hell and passes the wood of suicides. That's nothing that I want to become, and nothing I WILL become. Suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness, and all society says that selfish is bad. "Ah, but Sorcy dear," SHE whispers to me in her sweetest hiss. "Are you not sworn to defying what society thinks of you? You never do succeed, but shouldn't you at least try. Just one. more. time?"

And swoop, SHE's gone, a chill down my spine and a nervous feeling. I stil don't understand HER, but truly, who understands themselves? Especially their inner demons...

I defy society, but not morality. Hell, if you look at my morals, I'm more stubborn in them then nearly anyone I know. Sex, is icky, and kissing almost as much so. Really, I don't think I'm exaggerating when I call it sucking face, I don't know WHAT you lot all see in it. You make it look quite unapitizing, that's for sure. *gives Veronica a pointed look. GSA party?*

And yes, I have a girlfriend. Who is nearly as asexual as I am. People always get this shocked look when I say I've never even frenched her, and I have a nagging suspicion that the world assumes that these past ten months have culminated in sex.

Really, I'm not made for romance, and even less for for lust. I flirt, yes, with everyone, and generally in a very silly sort of way. True, there can be seriousness involved, more with some people then others (Josh for example, is purely platonic. Chris, is painfully platonic. Eric is ...hmmm...need more p words...hah, therewego, partly platonic. Did I just ruin a good example by using alliteration? (Yes))

On the whole though, I'm better? at being single. Hum, what was it I said? And where --most likely here, but plausibly Behind The Walls...lemme go find it. "It must be something about summer that makes me feel asexual." Oddly true that one is. I don't always agree with my younger selves, but this one is right.

So, in that case, one wonders exactly how I got together with Blue in the first place. Or why Taya still holds so much sway over me (Goddamn you memories) even though she was nothing more then a closely guarded crush. VERY closely guarded.

Heh, maybe the summer just makes me saphhic. Bad news for all them boys. Boys? We don't need no stinkin' boys. Well...maybe just a fewww

Hey V, I officially declare that when we take over the world, we each get a harem. Yes, you can have Orlie (*gagdiepuke*) although by that point he'll be all ancient and not cute anymore, so, of course, you'll be completely over him. There is something to be said for lusting after older actors, they're distinguished! Johnny Depp is very unlikely to lose any of his zohmygod sexiness, same with Gary Oldman or Alan Rickman. Or Tim Curry.

Oh dear, I seem to have gone full spectrum. Silly to thoughtful to melencholy to thoughtful to silly. I do that a lot. I am, at heart, an optimist, and a happy person. Or so I claim. :D

I seem to be out. Which is good, as I should do some work on my poetry project. I need a song for it...Sweet Transvestite, perhaps? What, it fits my theme of individuality and being true to yourself and all that!! (Oh does it EVER!)

I better not HLN that one. Too likely to write in all the AP lines. And there are some bad ones for that song.

Actually, I'm really tempted by that now. *sighs* "If the thought of something makes me giggle for at least 15 seconds, I will assume that it's not allowed"

...Does Sweet Transvestite contain any swears? *looks* Holy shite, most excellent. It uses hell once...but that's excusable. Mrs. Hickman's going to think I'm WEIRD.

You mean she doesn't already?

I don't think she really thinks much of me one way or the other. I'm not entierly her most productive student. Maybe I'd be better if she gave out any sort of, oh, GUIDELINES FOR FUT THE WUCK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING! *grumbles* Stupid English teacher.

...I should do some work on the big secret project for next year. Most importantly, legality and money issues. *SIGH!* Stupid administration. *shakes fist* What I would give for a libral, or even just not so screamingly conservitive principal. Someone who would, you know, actually agknowladge the GayStraightAllience or support the drama kids juuuuuuuust a little bit. (Is it bad that even a little support would be an improvement? *sigh*)

Soooooo...yes. An extra several paragraphs of thoughtstream has led to a single bit of work on my project. Procrastinators of the world unite! ...tomorrow. Of course, I generally type fast enough that several paragraphs really isn't much more then a few minutes of life.

Still, work. Hey lookit that, we don't really have a working printer. *pokes at the scanner/printer pretending to be attached to Dmitri.* Hum, wonder how this hooks up.

Ah, frell it, I'll just gmail myself and print it via Rocky/Biff/Clyde/whatever it is moms upstairs computer is named. Easier then arguing with Dimi. *pets Dmitri sweetly* Sadist of a computer, I think he enjoys tormenting me. We really need to get him that cute little laptop for him to serenade. For those going "Uh what?" blame Thorog. He's the one that suggested I could placate Dmitri about Seren (my still nonexistent ibook...she's going to be obsolete before I actually succeed in recieving her!) by getting Dimi to serenade her.

Silly is right. Although Mal's setting me on edge.

...Huh. I wonder how intentional that was. Names have such an interesting spin to them. What makes me Sor or Kat at any given time? It really is fifty-fifty or so as to which I call myself at any given point. If I'm talking to, with, or about mek I'm certainly Sor.

And on a similar note, when am I Rin then? Simply when I trail into the fantastical? let's not follow this path, it prooves unsteady.

Alright, vanishing for real this time. Funny, I'm not usually so verbose, I swear! But no elljay cuts for you, neener neener. Mostly because I'm lazy.

Ta then, for now.

~Sor
MOOP!

*Yes, I realize that this is a redundent curse. I still like it, mostly because long strings of curses are MUCH more fun. My current favorite is probably "Son of a priest and a bright orange spoon"