![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
X Years Ago Today
((A/N: I apologize, as this entry is *especially* meandery. I must be tired or something.))
Three years ago today.
Three years ago today, it was 2006. And I was looking for something, and found something else entirely.
That something else entirely was a journal, written by my clone. Among other things, it not so subtly said he loved me. Me, of all things, of all people. Crazy, confused, insecure little me.
It...started a very weird part of time for me. Not quite dating mek, but not really seeing Blue often enough to feel like we were even in our relationship. Everything got strained and confusing, and somewhere along the way, a word that I had heard whispered here or there pointed itself out to me: Polyamory.
I eventually broke, as I am inclined to do when I'm high on emotion and low on ability to deal, and talked to a friend about it all, and the end result of that was me giving mek a very firm "I've been really fucking confused, but we're just friends" talk. And things were weird between us for a while, but not very, and not for long, and we're both so good at masking ourselves that we pretended everything was perfectly alright between us. That word I had found got tucked firmly away, gnawing at the back of my mind.
The first person I ever came out to as polyamorous was Magus, which I inadvertently did via one of my first NancyButtons --"BiPolySwitch, I'm not indecisive, I'm greedy.1". He asked me about the poly thing, and I may or may not have babbled something useless back. (I babble a lot around people I trust) I got the gist across though, certainly. I was poly. And breaking up with my partner in less than a month.
I was solidly single for about two months after that point, and while the next boy I went with accepted the poly thing (for reasons that would be really obvious if I was un-cryptic enough to properly explain who he was) the one after that, Ksatyr, didn't. No fault of his, at all --some people are monoamorous, some people are not. By the time Ksatyr and I broke up, I had pretty much figured out that I was solidly not.
I'm not going to swear I'll never be in a monoamorous relationship again, but I think it's somewhat unlikely to happen. I like people, more or less all of them, and if it's at all possible, several at a time. I'm really really happy where I am right now, with my complications and significant others and girlfriend-in-laws. I am connected to really really good people, and I like having that in my life.
So, three years ago today, my brain broke, with shock, and confusion, and weirdness. And, in putting itself back together, it realized one of the most important things about me that there is to know.
It's been a good three years for me.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Mom later forbade me from wearing the button, telling me only so much as that switch was not a thing I should be advertising. It took me bloody forever to figure out what the hell it meant --it's a BDSM term, meaning willing to play both Dom and Sub.
I'm not really in the BDSM scene at all --largely Not My Kink. But I, to a certain extent, both dom and sub relationships. I'm not indecisive. I'm greedy.
Three years ago today.
Three years ago today, it was 2006. And I was looking for something, and found something else entirely.
That something else entirely was a journal, written by my clone. Among other things, it not so subtly said he loved me. Me, of all things, of all people. Crazy, confused, insecure little me.
It...started a very weird part of time for me. Not quite dating mek, but not really seeing Blue often enough to feel like we were even in our relationship. Everything got strained and confusing, and somewhere along the way, a word that I had heard whispered here or there pointed itself out to me: Polyamory.
I eventually broke, as I am inclined to do when I'm high on emotion and low on ability to deal, and talked to a friend about it all, and the end result of that was me giving mek a very firm "I've been really fucking confused, but we're just friends" talk. And things were weird between us for a while, but not very, and not for long, and we're both so good at masking ourselves that we pretended everything was perfectly alright between us. That word I had found got tucked firmly away, gnawing at the back of my mind.
The first person I ever came out to as polyamorous was Magus, which I inadvertently did via one of my first NancyButtons --"BiPolySwitch, I'm not indecisive, I'm greedy.1". He asked me about the poly thing, and I may or may not have babbled something useless back. (I babble a lot around people I trust) I got the gist across though, certainly. I was poly. And breaking up with my partner in less than a month.
I was solidly single for about two months after that point, and while the next boy I went with accepted the poly thing (for reasons that would be really obvious if I was un-cryptic enough to properly explain who he was) the one after that, Ksatyr, didn't. No fault of his, at all --some people are monoamorous, some people are not. By the time Ksatyr and I broke up, I had pretty much figured out that I was solidly not.
I'm not going to swear I'll never be in a monoamorous relationship again, but I think it's somewhat unlikely to happen. I like people, more or less all of them, and if it's at all possible, several at a time. I'm really really happy where I am right now, with my complications and significant others and girlfriend-in-laws. I am connected to really really good people, and I like having that in my life.
So, three years ago today, my brain broke, with shock, and confusion, and weirdness. And, in putting itself back together, it realized one of the most important things about me that there is to know.
It's been a good three years for me.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Mom later forbade me from wearing the button, telling me only so much as that switch was not a thing I should be advertising. It took me bloody forever to figure out what the hell it meant --it's a BDSM term, meaning willing to play both Dom and Sub.
I'm not really in the BDSM scene at all --largely Not My Kink. But I, to a certain extent, both dom and sub relationships. I'm not indecisive. I'm greedy.
no subject
Anyway, i agree with an awful lot of that & stuff and i do have thoughts to add if you're interested, and if you are, maybe one day (after much pording), i'll email you huge blocks of text of the stuffs that are in my head (which you may or may not have already heard)(Listen to me, i'm already talking myself out of doing so ;p)!
no subject
~Sor
1: Sorry Magus
no subject
no subject
Sounds like you've given it a lot more thought than it had seemed back then - it wasn't clear at the time that you realized there was a potential mis-signal. :*)
no subject
Last I check, you didn't get to sleep with people either at home or at school. Or is this a rhetorical device for the nonce?
no subject
no subject
I have *no idea* how I eventually figured it out.
...Ohnowait.
It's in the Urban Dictionary. And has been since 2003. I almost *definitely* found it there.
~Sor
no subject
1. Which is fairly reliable for detecting kinky vs. non-kinky, though it has an irritating tendency to read "feisty sub" as "Domme". The amount of emotional trouble this has gotten me into: significant.
no subject
no subject
Kinkdar is probably a good thing to have. Mine doesn't work at all, probably largely because it's not immediately relevant to my life --I think this is why my gaydar is so much weaker when it comes to men, too --what do I care if a boy likes boys?
~Sor
no subject