(no subject)
Dec. 12th, 2018 01:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressLast night I went to squares for the first time in...over a semester. It was nice! I danced in the hack tips, and I got to Rounds dance with a couple people, and I led a Grand March that was a little unpolished but probably not awful. I have a new working theory (determined with the help of my therapist) that it's really hard to fuck up a Grand March so badly that it Cannot Be Saved, and it was nice to (unintentionally, I promise!) see that in action.
I continue to never have friends or time for friends and/or friendship, but I think this counts as two unusual social things I've done in a week (hanging with bellsfolks doesn't count --it's definitely appreciated and good for me, but doesn't count as unusual anymore) which is a hugely good track record. I think my ongoing mood will maybe reflect that? I don't know, I've been in a really dark place the last two or three days(weeks), and it's not fun.
(On Saturday I went to the strip dreidl party and had a pretty nice time. People liked the clever joke I wrote on my tits1 and there were many good latkes to eat and it was nice to have chattytimes, even if it was mostly not with anyone I know really well or feel super intimate towards.)
There's a party this weekend that I haven't RSVPd to and haven't definitely decided to go to, but I think I would like to go to. And there's a _lot_ of bells stuff --four quarter peals on Saturday (I'm tenoring for one of them) and tower cleaning on Sunday. I need to do a little more Christmas shopping (I still don't have anything really good for mom, but then again, she hasn't sent out a list HINT HINT) this weekend too, but I think that'll be sorta in and around bells stuff.
And that's where I'm at. My brain is really painfully not good right now, but I'm hiding it by lots of enjoying(?) and being good at(??) my job. Tonight is laundry and grading, and tomorrow and Friday are FRANTIC PREPARATION OF THE EVIDENCE FILE, but at least I don't have my Unit Four lessons hanging over my head anymore2
I hope you are well! I would like to see you, but I'm probably not willing to make/commit to specific plans until the new year at this point (unless you're wabbit and live near Dallas and would be willing to hang between the 23rd and 1st)
~Sor
MOOP!
1: "It's okay Tumblr --I'm not female and neither are these!" and then I had arrows pointing at my nip nops. I am Very Good at humour or something.
2: Except insomuch as I'm not sure if I count for having submitted them on time or not. I submitted them on Dec7 around 5PM my time, they need to be in "six months before the Unit 5 test" which is June 8th. Of course, 5PM my time is like 10PM Scotland, and then they weren't in the office on Saturday and Sunday so I had an email bright and early on Monday telling me my Unit Four stuff was received...but does that mean it was in time? No one knows!
I told my therapist straight up that if Scotland decides to be that petty with me, then I will go ahead and flex my power until they burn.
I continue to never have friends or time for friends and/or friendship, but I think this counts as two unusual social things I've done in a week (hanging with bellsfolks doesn't count --it's definitely appreciated and good for me, but doesn't count as unusual anymore) which is a hugely good track record. I think my ongoing mood will maybe reflect that? I don't know, I've been in a really dark place the last two or three days(weeks), and it's not fun.
(On Saturday I went to the strip dreidl party and had a pretty nice time. People liked the clever joke I wrote on my tits1 and there were many good latkes to eat and it was nice to have chattytimes, even if it was mostly not with anyone I know really well or feel super intimate towards.)
There's a party this weekend that I haven't RSVPd to and haven't definitely decided to go to, but I think I would like to go to. And there's a _lot_ of bells stuff --four quarter peals on Saturday (I'm tenoring for one of them) and tower cleaning on Sunday. I need to do a little more Christmas shopping (I still don't have anything really good for mom, but then again, she hasn't sent out a list HINT HINT) this weekend too, but I think that'll be sorta in and around bells stuff.
And that's where I'm at. My brain is really painfully not good right now, but I'm hiding it by lots of enjoying(?) and being good at(??) my job. Tonight is laundry and grading, and tomorrow and Friday are FRANTIC PREPARATION OF THE EVIDENCE FILE, but at least I don't have my Unit Four lessons hanging over my head anymore2
I hope you are well! I would like to see you, but I'm probably not willing to make/commit to specific plans until the new year at this point (unless you're wabbit and live near Dallas and would be willing to hang between the 23rd and 1st)
~Sor
MOOP!
1: "It's okay Tumblr --I'm not female and neither are these!" and then I had arrows pointing at my nip nops. I am Very Good at humour or something.
2: Except insomuch as I'm not sure if I count for having submitted them on time or not. I submitted them on Dec7 around 5PM my time, they need to be in "six months before the Unit 5 test" which is June 8th. Of course, 5PM my time is like 10PM Scotland, and then they weren't in the office on Saturday and Sunday so I had an email bright and early on Monday telling me my Unit Four stuff was received...but does that mean it was in time? No one knows!
I told my therapist straight up that if Scotland decides to be that petty with me, then I will go ahead and flex my power until they burn.
no subject
on 2018-12-12 10:01 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2018-12-14 06:33 pm (UTC)Being naked in front of other people is a _really_ weird thing for me. On an intellectual level, I am not at all bothered by the concept --it's my body, it exists, it carries my soul around and has a nice scar on the back. On an emotional level...I mean, I was explicitly told that if anyone saw me naked then they would eventually rape me, by someone who raped me, so like there's some definite issues there. On a professional level...hahahhano. I could lose my _entire career_ if nudes of me surfaced, so I am *really* twitchy about those.
Strip Dreidl is a pretty safe environment, as these things go. I really appreciate that part of the intro-spiel includes the explicit stating of the housewide safeword for "I'm done stripping", and a reminder at the beginning that it is completely appropriate to take off "nothing but your sweater and your boots if that's all you want!". It's also an environment where only about half to two-thirds of everyone actually gets all the way naked anyways, so there's no weird pressure either way for being more/less naked.
~Sor
no subject
on 2018-12-15 02:41 pm (UTC)I wish I could reach that level of detachment about my body. It would in particular probably help with coming to terms with and reducing the trauma I have about having been circumcised? Because having CPTSD triggers tied to that is _really_ unpleasant. I also have awkward feelings about maleness, but maybe actually less stressful than those.
On the other hand, I'm surprised how comfortable I've become becoming naked around partners, even brand-new ones. I am...not sure what makes it work, but I suspect part of it may be being more comfortable with other trans women seeing me naked because I feel less likely to be judged about gender?
I am glad that Strip Dreidl is such a safe environment! I admit that the idea of being a clothed person when other people are naked is really scary to me, though it's not a thing I've done. I think it sets of worries about seeming creepy and male?
no subject
on 2018-12-13 07:24 pm (UTC)It would be super-awesome to see you for tower cleaning, especially so that you can be there for the rope-hanging lesson; but please do not feel obligated if you need to sleep/grade/recover from the Lurgi.
FWIW, I'm pretty sure you are good at your job (you are very dedicated, have good ideas, and can do crazymath); and it is a hard time of year to like it.
1: "It's okay Tumblr --I'm not female and neither are these!" and then I had arrows pointing at my nip nops.
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