(no subject)

[sorcyress]

Mad sociologist time¹! I want you to read the essay under this line: (ETA: It is not written by me)

""
Here's an essay on the subject of sexuality. More than a few f-bombs in it, so maybe NSFW.

I'm just not into chicks. I thought about it and just couldn't see a situation where I'd want to be in a relationship with a girl, or even be turned on enough to make out with one... It just didn't work for me, so I never pursued it.

Men on the other hand? YOWZA!!! Talk about getting my motor running...

So, I've only ever pursued sexual relationships with guys, mostly because I realized I wanted to fuck them, and I've had a modicum of success with that, though admittedly not as much as I'd like.

Of course, I'm just as likely to want to hang out as make out. It's not that I don't have a sex drive, so much as there are lots of things that I like to do that are fun but don't involve having sex.

I like movies (especially the kind where a lot of shit blows up!) and video games and music and roller coasters and coffee. I have an education and a day-job that actually pays decently. I like hanging out with my friends. I have a family who loves me despite sometimes being comically disfunctional. I like sushi and pizza and eating food that takes more effort to prepare than just nuking it. I have an interest in (but an extreme distaste for) politics... and I try my hand at various "trendy" hobbies every so often. (and sometimes I even stick with it after the trend dies...)

But my sex life (or "love life" if you will...) has only ever been a small part of my whole life. I admit part of that is because I'm far from the impossible "ideal" you see in the media. Plus, I'm kind of picky, since I actually like to get to know someone at least a little before heading to bed with them... and I strongly prefer having relationships to meaningless flings. (Though I admit it took having a couple of those to realize that.)

I used to think this was normal: You have your hobbies and interests and responsibilities and your sex life as part of the whole jumble of awesomeness and flaws that makes you who you are.

See, there's just so much more to my identity than who I like to fuck, want to fuck, used to fuck in the past, am currently fucking, or may fuck in the future.

However, I'm not the most socially clued-in person in the world, so maybe I'm being quaintly prudish by not talking about or thinking about or engaging in some aspect of my sex life 24/7. Sometimes, I'd rather talk about a movie I saw, or a concert I went to, or my latest "gastronomic adventure", or another hobby of mine that only has a sexual component to it because of rule 34...

Basically, what I'm saying is this: Not everything I say or do is about my sex life. There's way more to "me" than what I do (or don't do) with my genitals. And I don't see why anyone's sex life has to be such a big deal, as long as everyone involved is of-age and consenting. It's not like I'm doing it out in the streets to frighten the horses or anything. (I'm paraphrasing here, but if you're on the internet, you've heard the quote.)

Discretion is the better part of valor, after all... In fact, this essay is the most I've directly said about my sex life in probably my whole life.

So, why does it seem to be the only part of "me" that exists to some people? It's not like they're going to be directly involved in my "love life", after all. Hell, if they didn't ask, they probably wouldn't even be aware that I even have sex... It's not like there's some neon sign hanging over my head saying "I fuck dudes!!!"

Oh, and I also tend to fall in love with them. Sounds corny, but it's true. (It's also why I have trouble with "meaningless" flings) Someday, I want to find a man I'm really compatible with and get married to him. We'd live our lives together and eventually grow old together. Maybe we'd raise a family, maybe we'd just raise a little hell, who knows? (It's not like I've met him yet...)

So why make such a huge deal about such a small part of my life? Admittedly it's not an insignifigant part, but it's certainly far from my entire identity...

My life is about so much more than sex... Isn't everybody's?
""

---

Now for the part I'm really interested in. I have lots of friends, from lots of online places, and they come in a whole host of interesting sexualities. For the purposes of research, what gender did you assume the author to be? Do your opinions on that change if you read it again?

Theoretically, I'll post results in a couple weeks, except I think we've proven from my previous attempts at using the internet for SCIENCE that it will never actually happen. Have interesting discussion among yourselves instead.

(And if you find where I grabbed this from, no cheating and revealing the author. I'll let them do that later, if they feel comfortable.)

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Technically I want to be a mad psychologist. This is why I shouldn't ever have children, I will totally just use them to _test things_.

(Arg! Second failed crosspost in two days. I am cranky about this and might have to investigate fixing it somehow. dreamwidth post here)

Comments

[saberwing.livejournal.com]

near the beginning, i assumed the author was female. about the second paragraph i started questioning myself re: the author's sex/gender (it could be male). near the middle/end, i'm reasonably sure the author is female.

a large part of this is due to the fact that i read sex blogs written by several female friends, and this has the same writing style of those.

[minibusy]

I was actually wondering about the author's gender and was wondering whether that's where this post was going.

Having said that (and not having decided on a gender for the author while reading it), if I were to assign a binary gender after the fact, I would guess male.

[blaisepascal]

Initially, when reading it, I assumed the author was you, until I ran into screeching contradictions of what I thought I knew of your sex life.

However, nothing in it directly contradicts the initial gender assignment, so I continued to use the working hypothesis that the author was a straight woman.

As I continued to read it, the tone seemed wrong, the complaints and explanations too pointed. Yes, they could apply to a straight woman, but I don't tend to think straight women run into the same problems the author is running into. I think it's more likely to be written by a gay man.

So it feels I've narrowed it down to either a gay man, or a straight woman deliberately writing it that way to make a point.

[jere7my.livejournal.com]

I assumed it was female, because I assumed it was you. Then I began wondering when you'd decided you weren't into chicks. Then I began wondering why you'd decided to do this massive infodump about changes to your sex life without providing any sort of setup. :P

Quotation marks. They are your friend.

[jere7my.livejournal.com]

That said, I'm going with female, in part because of word choice, in part because of "I admit part of that is because I'm far from the impossible 'ideal' you see in the media." The media does establish an impossible standard for male sexuality, but it's not usually casually tossed in as an assumption without explanation the way the female standard is. I think this was written by someone with an online presence who attracts unwanted sexual attention.

Three online gender tests are pretty sure it's female, too.

[nurrynur.livejournal.com]

This (Far from media ideal, phrase) is also my reason for thinking that the person writing it is female (or at least, raised female - may be genderqueer now, for all I know.)

[mogwit.livejournal.com]

...I think (and thought almost the whole way through) that the author is not female. If I'm having to make a binary choice (...you wouldn't make me do that, would you?!), male.

[ms-hecubus.livejournal.com]

I too thought it was you and was like, "Huh? I though you kissed girls and liked it."

[blaisepascal]

Wasn't that Katy Perry?

[jannyblue.livejournal.com]

...and Jill Sobule.

[ms-hecubus.livejournal.com]

So she says.

[dodger77.livejournal.com]

To answer your question, I initially thought female based on stated attraction to men, but on a second reading I got the impression that the author could be a gay man.

[dodger77.livejournal.com]

Also yeah I thought you had written it at first. I got all the way to the end before I realized my mistake. I can be pretty dense some times.

[abecedarianizer.livejournal.com]

Count me among those who initially assumed that you were the author and then got kind of confused.

I initially assumed the author to be female. The overall subject matter - especially with the theme of "I am more than sex", comments about being prudish, and being identified by who you're fucking - seemed like very stereotypical cisfemale concerns. In my experience and time around the web, it seems that females tend to write about this sort of thing with more frequency with males, so for that reason I made an initial assumption that the author was female. Then again, men get a bad rep for being dick-centric sex machines, and re-reading with that in mind, were it not for years of reading similar things written by females, I could almost see this being written by a male.

Confusion over a lot of little things aside, "YOWZA!!! Talk about getting my motor running..." did all sorts of awful things to my attempts to figure out my own assumptions on this. I cannot imagine anyone saying this, save for David Bowie/John Cameron Mitchell/a handful of notoriously effeminate and over-the-top-theatrical movie stars.

Hope this isn't more than you wanted. :)

[lordrefa.livejournal.com]

Like many of the other commenters; I thought it was you originally, so this tinted me with female and that was my assumption until massive confusion and clarification at the end.

Upon re-reading I'm willing to say this is a cisfemale (this is the first time I've used that term, I'll assume my small reading on it has served me well enough). On consideration and in support of my theory I offer the following (since you've asked):

Author starts with "thinking about females" with an assumption of male attraction. In our heteronormative culture this follows, especially with the much debated "inherenet female bisexuality" stuff... Most importantly, though -- we're, most of us, brought up in our culture to assume heterosexual. Only stopping to consider females at a later date points towards a female author.

The comment towards "trendy hobbies" strikes me as another stereotypically hetero-female thing to say. I'm not the hepest cat, but guys don't get that cyclical hobby thing that women do, by and large. Other than resurgences of traditional hobbies, I can't think of anything that is marketed to men as a new hobby. We are, to a one, assumed to be into sports and who needs hobbies beyond that, right? Women are constantly marketed pottery, the newest excercise fad, yoga, etc,etc...

The euphemism of "love life" as a synonym for "sex life" is something we're conditioned to expect females to use more often. Men in our culture are more often allowed to have an indpendent sex life and would more often not think about mixing these two terms. Especially in gay culture the two seem to be night and day, which steers me further from thinking a male author.

Mention of an "impossible ideal" in media is a huge clincher, though -- there is no impossible male ideal that's marketed to us. Men have been given John Goodman's Dan Connor, Johnny Depp's various roles, what's-his-face in King of Queens, and Vin Diesel all as valid male ideals. The idea of a SINGULAR impossible ideal speaks strongly to a female author. Again, in stark contrast to gay culture, even smooth twinks and chubby bears are given as possible male physical archetypes. For a male in American culture to speak this way would truly shock me.

Sadly, the objectification of women as sex objects makes me think the tone of the last several lines/paragraphs strikes me as especially likely to be female, too. "Who you're fucking", even when not talked about is too much of what both men and women in our country assume of women. Men don't get defined in that manner. I'm happy for my priviledge and am painfully aware of it. I am not defined by any particular partners I may have at any given point. Similarly, in Ameri-hetero-centric World, a man is also assumed to be a completely seperate person from his sex life. Who this man may or may not be fucking at the time may come up in conversation, but isn't focused on.

Another huge indicator, here, is stating that there's no sign over the author's head that says "I fuck dudes!!!". If the author were openly gay and flagging this way, this could almost be considered a sign over his head. If he were not, the assumption would be the opposite "he looks straight, he must be fucking chicks". The automatic assumption of the author's sex with men points strongly to a female. We are coming to terms with female sexuality at this point and as it enters the zeitgeist the assumption of us all as sexual beings happens even with the most sexist of us. Frustration at other's casual assumption of sex with men without any outward indicator screams female author.

And as hopeful and forthinking as I am, I still don't think the average gay man assumes that he will be able to marry in the future, yet. I think most of us who give thought to this subject are expecting it to happen, but fear it won't for a long while... the casual statement of marriage points to straight female again.

So -- keep in mind, I didn't think any of this originally, I thought it was you, Sor -- until about 2/3 through, at least... Then I was just really confused. But after being asked to analyze the voice of the author, these are the indicators that have me willing to put money on a female author.

[lian-ambiguous.livejournal.com]

I would guess female. I've been in groups where it seems like people have to defend their heterosexuality more than their [anything else], so that doesn't seem weird. There were a number of places, for instance the line about liking movies where shit blows up, where I got a sense of "I may be straight, but that doesn't mean I have to conform to stereotypes of femininity." The biggest indicator for me was the line about "the impossible 'ideal' you see in the media"; there are issues with media portrayals of gay men, but I don't generally hear of there being an 'ideal'.

[zombie-dog.livejournal.com]

yeah, I too fucked up and assumed that the speaker was you = genderqueer with a slightly female bent, and then got confus about the not being into girls part but kept reading it that way anyway, thinking that maybe you'd made some kind of revelation.

You might want to say something like "I came across this essay, but I am not the writer" or something if you post this elsewhere.

[gnibbles.livejournal.com]

I don't understand why the author would feel the need to mention "It's not that I don't have a sex drive" and "I'm far from the 'impossible' ideal you see in the media" in exactly that wording.... I have an easier time believing female who likes video games and movies with explosions (being one of those myself) than male who is so susceptible to the idiot-TV.

[ultimatepsi.livejournal.com]

I read your question before reading the essay, jfyi.

At first I thought the writer was female, but around "See, there's just so much more to my identity than who I like to fuck" I switched to thinking the writer was male, because if you're female and like fucking men, almost no one treats that as a major part of your identity.

[xalolo.livejournal.com]

So I, too, totally missed that the speaker wasn't you, so my guess is tainted!

[luckylefty.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, I read below the cut while waiting for the cut to load, so these are the reactions of someone paying attention to the question of the gender of the writer from the beginning, aware that it may not be what I think.

At first, I thought the author was female, but I wasn't sure; maybe 75% chance they were female, 25% male. The last four paragraphs made me change my mind to 95% chance male.

[luckylefty.livejournal.com]

I'm surprised that some people take the last paragraphs as confirming that the writer is a woman. To me, complaining that people see you as just your orientation and nothing else points to a minority orientation, because being gay is for many people a "master category" if I"m using the sociological jargon correctly. Dejargonizing, it seems much more likely that the author would encounter people who would think "that's Joe; he's a gay man" as though that told them everything about him, than "That's Jane; she's a straight woman".

[nurrynur.livejournal.com]

I also read the below-cut text before reading the essay. I still think the writer is female, though.

[heptadecagram.livejournal.com]

Because I get to exercise White Male Privilege, I started the essay with the assumption that the author was male. But there are a number of word/phrasing choices that are pretty exclusive to females, so I'm going with the author as female.

1. "YOWZA" Unless the author is on the West Coast, I can't say I've ever heard a male use this term in reference to other males, but I have heard females use this in reference to males.
2. "getting my motor running" Males use event-based metaphors for sexual arousal, like the act of orgasm: "Shwing!", "Pow", "Unf, unf, unf". This is a continuous-action metaphor, like the female orgasm.
3. 12 uses of ellipses (…). This essay is designed more as conversation than declarative or explanatory Only women have conversations!
4. If "my genitals" was the original words used, that strongly points to female, who often get their breasts lumped in under the label "genitals", because they're like right next to each other. A male would probably just say "my dick". It's possible that the essay was edited to remove such an obvious tell, though.
5. "get married to him" I sincerely doubt a man having sex with men would mention this without touching on the political/social reality in the US today as to the feasibility of getting married.

The big giveaway is the first paragraph. There's no place in America that's far enough away from stupid that a male could grow up gay quite that innocently (which makes me sad, and work towards a US where that would be possible). Unless any reference about growing up gay was stripped out, this was written by a straight female.

Why not someone who is intersex? Again, back to the fact that there's no mention of having to deal with being intersex. Hard to talk about one's sex drive and sexual activity (especially the difficult parts!) without hitting the elephant in the room.

[jannyblue.livejournal.com]

I say the author is a sexually frustrated straight female, who is both tomboyish and geeky.

...and she has trouble getting dates with men because she doesn't often conform to stereotypical "female" behaviors, which leads many people to conclude that she's actually homosexual. I'd wager she's also heavily supportive of gay rights, which wouldn't do anything to dislodge that misconception.

This puts her in an uncomfortable position: Give up her "unfeminine" hobbies and interests, or become a LOT more overtly and blatantly sexual than she's comfortable with.

I speak with a LOT of authority on the subject.

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

I too started with a "assume author is poster, find inconsistencies with what I know of poster's life, be weirded, re-read, go "ah"".

Then, I had promptly assumed the author is male, because females don't tend to get defensive about not being into chicks and preferring guys instead.

[ndkid.livejournal.com]

I read it and didn't end up with much of a sex or gender when reading it. If I were being forced to make a choice, the absolute lack of mentioning a desire or lack of desire for babies would lead me to guess male sex over female sex, but I still wouldn't have a strong gender sense... I'd just play the odds and go with male gender, as well.

In other words, I'm profiling!

[hermitgeecko.livejournal.com]

I read this badly - by which I mean I read it while half asleep and presumed you wrote it until hitting the end and going "wait, what?". So my gender assumptions were unhelpful.

[ncarraway.livejournal.com]

I ... kind of assumed genderqueer? Maybe that's just me.