Peanut Butter and Jelly!

[sorcyress]

It's been a couple months since I've tried to intentionally¹ start a flame war, so let's² have at it!

What is the best way to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Remember, anyone who disagrees is probably a commie pinko slimeball who raises nazi kittens, so have at 'em!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Intentionally? That kind of drama mongering would be WRONG! I would never do such a henious thing. Which is to say, I have probably let my shit-stirring instincts take over a couple times, but there's only one post I've ever posted that was posted *intentionally* to try and cause trolls, flames, and dramallamas. Bonus stalker points if you know which one.

((It pretty much worked, too, including way more drama than I expected, which is pretty fitting, honestly.))

2: let's = let us. The apostrophe means U!

Comments

[harena.livejournal.com]

What is the best way to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

With almond butter!

[ncarraway.livejournal.com]

/thread

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Oh come on. That would be fine to make an ALMOND butter and jelly sandwich, but we're discussing good ol' American *P*B and J, here. If I wanted opinions on your hippie-faced "other" butters, I would've asked for 'em!

~Sor

The One True Way to make a PB&J sand-witch

[dhs.livejournal.com]

1. Dump jars of peanut butter and various jellies out on the floor.

2. Throw in a few pickles.

2a. Stir.

3. Scoop up the messresults with a slice of rye bread.

4. Top with sprinkles.

5. Foist the results off on your least favorite sibling.

Re: The One True Way to make a PB&J sand-witch

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I haven't had peanut butter and pickles in forever, and while I'll admit it's delicious...

MIXING PICKLES AND JELLY?! HAVE YOU GONE INSANE?!?!

~Sor

[xalolo.livejournal.com]

The best way to make a PB+J sandwich is in zero-G. You get to catch the jelly globs as they float away!

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

And if your IM is to be believed, while naked. This sounds like a pretty decent two person sandwich making plan...

~Sor

in the spirit of flame-warring...

[woozle.livejournal.com]

What is the best way to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

With LINUX!!

I mean, do you really want Microsoft controlling your stomach?

*holds up picket sign: NO DRM ON MY PBJ!!*

Of course, if they try to take it back for copyright violation, I suppose they deserve what they get... >.>

P.S. Be careful about accepting any cookies with that sandwich...
P.P.S. *shamelessly makes copies of popular sandwiches and distributes them via BiteTorrent*

Re: in the spirit of flame-warring...

[marcmagus]

True Believers make sandwich using a gcc they compiled themselves. apt-get sandwich doesn't count; that's like asking Mom to make it for you!

[marcmagus]

1. Remove two slices of bread from bag.
2. Separate and place on a flat surface so the faces which were previously touching now both face up. This is important! Misaligned bread is evil.
3. Spread peanut butter (preferably with bits of peanut still in it, certainly with peanuts [and, optionally, salt] as the only ingredients) on one slice of bread with a knife.
3.a. If packing sandwich for travel, spread peanut butter on the other slice as well to protect the bread.
4. Spread jelly on face of other slice of bread. You may use the same knife, but if you're using it to get the jelly out of the jar, wipe it very carefully on the available bread face. Only uncultured heathens get peanut butter into the jelly jar. Spread thickly, but leave a slight gap around the edge to avoid spooge.
5.a. Optional: stick the whole thing in the toaster oven for extra deliciousness.
5.b. Optional: for even more deliciousness, melt some butter in a frying pan and brown the sandwich in that instead, kind of like making grilled cheese.
6. Cut sandwich in half on the diagonal. It's actually better. I only learned this recently, but it makes sense. Triangles are more stable than rectangles.
7. Don't forget to clean up after yourself promptly, you don't want to be a boor.

The apostrophe means me? I'm so special!

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Ohman, we pretty much make PB&J the same way --keep the bread aligned proper, peanut butter on one side, jelly on other, don't waste utensils by getting another knife...

We're clearly meant to be or something.

~Sor

[miriampenguin.livejournal.com]

While I don't necessarily have One True Way of making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, I do have a few rules/guidelines:

1) The jellyjam must not be grape.
Fruit preserves are preferred, but simple 'jam' is acceptable. The type of jam is preferably 'red' - i.e. strawberry, cherry, raspberry, etc. I have yet to try blueberry, but I am open to the idea.

2) The flavor of the bread should not interfere with the flavor of the peanut butter or jelly. This usually means white bread (one of the rare instances in which I prefer white bread over wheat or other kinds), but there have been rare occasions where other breads have worked, too.

3) The sandwich must be cut into triangles.

As for the peanut butter... crunchy is preferred (and certainly gets bonus points), but it's not necessary.

Now I'm hungry. :P

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Blackberry is good too, but come on! Grape is just *traditional!*

Blueberry jam is totally delish, though I prefer my sweeter and more delicious jams to be on English muffins. Save the slightly less sweet ones, like strawberry and grape for sandwiches.

Also, creamy peanut butter is where it's at, just to be contrary. ((I do actually like crunchy, but, you know. Flames. Ya' pinko commie slimeball.))

~Sor

[genarti]

Multigrain sandwich bread of some sort.

Peanut butter -- chunky or creamy, I don't care, but it can't be the hippie fresh-ground stuff. (I am betraying my usual hippie tendencies here, but I don't care. If it doesn't have any emulsifiers, there's no point!)

Strawberry jam -- preserves, please, none of that jelly stuff. If it doesn't have bits of whole fruit in it it doesn't count.

Peanut butter on one piece of bread, strawberry jam on the other, put 'em together and eat! Cheese on the side is optional but tasty. A glass of milk, ditto.

[distant-flicker.livejournal.com]

Open bread.

Apply jelly to one side.

Apply peanut butter to the other.

Ingest.

(Alternatively, fuck the jelly and apply sliced bananas and honey a la Elvis. Thank ya'. Thank Ya' very much.)

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

D:

Fuck the Jelly?!

FUCK the JELLY?!?!

You're a pervert.

~Sor

[londo.livejournal.com]

Genocide.

[siogai.livejournal.com]

The best way to make a PB&J sandwich is clearly... by committee!

[miriampenguin.livejournal.com]

But committees never decide anything! And to think of them actually doing something?? You'll get a powerpoint presentation on the history of sandwiches, and everyone will be left hungry!

[macaroniandtuna.livejournal.com]

1. Get bread, crunchy (not smooth) peanut butter, and grape (not strawberry, not apricot, not any of those other fruits) jelly.
2. Apply peanut butter to both sides of one slice of bread. This will be difficult to do without making a mess. That's okay.
3. Apply grape jelly to both sides of another slice of bread. Ditto.
4. Stick slices of bread to one another. If you want to make a double/triple/etc.-decker sandwich, go for it, you hardcore sandwich-maker, you.
5. ???
6. PROFIT!!!PBJ!!!

[whimmydiddle.livejournal.com]

Whole wheat toast. (Yes, warm toast. Makes the PB a delightful gloopy consistency.) Use crunchy reduced fat PB. Use red raspberry preserves WITH seeds. Consume for breakfast with hazelnut coffee while reading The Washington Post. (Hardcopy.)

[persis.livejournal.com]

You should go a href="http://community.livejournal.com/food_porn/5503616.html"here. It's relevant. :-)

When I have more brain cells to rub together, I might even be able to make a sandwich! (I've been working salad bar and hot line at work this week.)

[shield-toad111.livejournal.com]

So, as I started reading through this thread after being away from the internet for the day, I feared that marcmagus had stolen all my potential comments. However, I do note that no one has pointed out that straight honey is better than any jelly, especially when packing your sandwich in a squishable container to take it somewhere. If you use jelly, it will soak into the bread and your sandwich becomes entirely undesirable, rather than a tasty treat. Honey, however, will soak and harden into the bread, making it a sweet gooey treat, as opposed to the sodden sadness that the jelly was. It should also be noted that while jelly is to be applied to the second slice of bread, honey is to be applied over the peanut butter, because it makes it much easier to spread, and also prevents the bread from tearing during spreading.

As for bread choice, the bread can be more interesting than wheat, but needs to not have too much obvious grain in it.

[marmota.livejournal.com]

The threshold is so low on this that I'm not sure there is a 'best'. PB&J is not something I'd eat for enjoyment; it's purely in the realm of "I need sustenance *right now* so I can go back to whatever else I was doing with a full stomach and clear head.". I'm just as likely to dunk bits of bread directly into the jars as apply the substances in any coherent fashion to them.

[jannyblue.livejournal.com]

My preferred method (Which is obviously superior, since it's MY method...)

Make the sandwich on buttered toast instead of cold bread.

Peanut butter on one side. Jelly on the other. Preferably while still warm (so the peanut butter spreads better).

Then, I eat it whole. I could cut it in half, but why waste time?

[batshua]

Don't.

Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches suck.

We're more of the bread, jam, and peanut butter school.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

They're hardly divisible, madam - I can do you bread and jam without peanut butter, and I can do you bread and peanut butter without jam, and I can do you all three, concurrent or consecutive, but I can't do you jam and peanut butter without bread. Bread is compulsory - they're all bread, you see.

[artemisfowl2nd.livejournal.com]

The response you saw coming: image

The response you probably saw coming: Get your sandwich bitch to do it for you.

The response you didn't see coming:
01) Retrieve one (1) bag of bread, one (1) jar of peanut butter, one (1) jar of your choice of jam or jelly of your choice of flavour, one (1) toaster, one (1) wall outlet, one (1) knife or butter knife, and one (1) plate.
02) Take two pieces of bread from the bag. Skip the heels unless that's all that's left. If using heels, skip steps 03-15 and replace all further references of "toast" with "bread".
03) Plug in the toaster to the wall outlet.
04) Place one slice of bread into one toaster slot.
05) Place the other slice of bread into another toaster slot.
07) Adjust the gauge to your preference if applicable.
08) Depress the latch knob on the side or front of the toaster.
09) Retrieve the bag of bread.
10) Partially close the bag of bread.
11) Squeeze air out of the bag while being careful to avoid squishing the bread inside.
12) Seal the bag.
13) Place bag in appropriate storage space.
14) Wait for toast to finish becoming.
15) Retrieve toast.
16) Place toast on plate, next to each other, with appropriate side facing upwards, to your preference.
17) Open jar of jelly or jam.
18) Retrieve knife or butter knife. Do not use a spoon.
19) Insert the blade of the knife or butter knife into the opening at the top of the jar of jelly or jam.
20) Using your wrist, create a circular motion with the blade of the knife or butter knife so as to coat the blade with jelly or jam.
21) Remove knife from jar.
22) Using knife, gently spread the jelly or jam onto the right-most slice of toast.
23) Repeat spreading motion until knife is mostly free of jelly or jam.
24) Repeat steps 19-23 to satisfaction.
25) Clean knife or butter knife of all traces of jelly or jam.
26) Open jar of peanut butter.
27) Retrieve knife or butter knife. Do not use a spoon.
28) Insert the blade of the knife or butter knife into the opening at the top of the jar of peanut butter.
29) Using your wrist, create a circular motion with the blade of the knife or butter knife so as to coat the blade with peanut butter.
30) Remove knife from jar.
31) Using knife, gently spread the peanut butter onto the left-most slice of toast.
32) Repeat spreading motion until knife is mostly free of peanut butter.
33) Repeat steps 28-32 to satisfaction.
34) Clean knife or butter knife of all traces of peanut butter.
35) Place knife or butter knife into dish washer or, if not applicable, clean knife or butter knife and put away. For instructions on the cleaning of a knife or butter knife, please see appendix 5b.
36) Retrieve left-most slice of toast.
37) Turn toast upside-down, so that the peanut butter is facing the floor.
38) Place toast onto the top of the jelly or jam coated slice of toast, making sure to keep the sides even with each other. Do not place the jelly or jam coated slice of toast on top of the peanut butter coated slice of toast.
39) Place sandwich on plate.
40) Enjoy.

[sparr0.livejournal.com]

Incorrectly.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I'll have you know I am _excellent_ at making sammiches. Qualified Sandwich Bitch since 2008 and everything.

So there.

~Sor

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

1. leave out the peanut butter. It's entirely too sticky.
2. Substitute a nice preserve for the jelly.
3. for $deity's sake, get some _real_ bread to go with it. From a bakery. Your supermarket's bakery is ok, but your supermarket's bread aisle is right out. There is no bread there, move along, move along.

So there.

[herbertinc.livejournal.com]

use nutella instead of jelly. and GF bread (okay, that last one might be personal bias).

Love,
Herbert.