Long, pointless, thing about myself. Yeah, it's kindof stupid.

[sorcyress]

NTS: TW abusive ex, in the comments. <3, futureKat

***

I've changed a lot. In the past months, the past year, the past decade.

I've been alive almost a decade and a half haven't I. God thats a scary thought.

But I've changed a lot. Especially in the past year, the past two years, the past three or four years.

Sixth grade I was a total fuck-up. I was incredibly depressed, I was pretty sure everyone hated me, and I hated my life with a screaming passion. I thought about suicide a lot. My diary from the time...scary. As scary as it's ever been for me.

Seventh grade I had pretty much stabled out. I was doing better with my life, and I began to turn into myself.

Eighth grade, I was...me. I was cheerful and perky. I had just began to get into the internet in the second half of eight grade, and I was...unlike I am now. I have all of two diary entries from when I was in seventh, both pointless, and one from eighth. I was much more romantic back then.

Ninth grade I started as a screwball. I had become much more vulgar, and much more of an internet nerd. And I was very vulgar. I figured this out in October, adn I began to force-change myself. Veronica blames Sluggy.net, and yes...they have changed me. But in a good way. Not bad. I changed into a hopeless romantic. And I began to write in my diary again. I filled half my diary in three or four months, mostly mooning over guys. And talking to RAKA. I'm not sure when they appeared, but they did, and I talked to them. They talked back.

But I've lost them now. I'm not sure I care though. They just left me, peacefully. leaving me alone in my head in teh first time for a while. And their leaving...changed me.

They left when I became independent. When I became someone who could stand on her own feet, deal with her own mind, and was...practical. Realistic. Different.

Instead of gentle arguing, I philisophise. And I use this as my diary now. Granted, I have a new one, but it's not my diary. This is. My Livejournal. It's an open diary for anyone to read, but I don't care. I have nothing left to hide anymore.

Crushes? I haven't got one. I have no romantic love in my heart.

Secrets? What secrets? I'm open about most things. And the rest...are things I wouldn't write in a diary anyway, no matter how protected.

Emotions? I try to avoid writing in anger, or hatred, or fear. Negitivity. I've always locked my emotions. There are signs of course. If I start crying over something that would normally just be a small annoyance, you can tell theres something going on. And when I walk...if I'm running my nails along the wall, I'm probably not particularily happy at the moment.

I've changed a lot, like I said. I've become more cynical. More realistic. And much more anti-social. Sure, I like parties, and seeing my friends and hanging out. But only to an extent.

I've been trying to make it so my emotional stability rests on my sholders and mine alone. Too often recently it's seemed that I can be happy if I see ______ or my day will get better once I talk to ______. I don't like that though. It makes me too vernurable.

I think I'm finally getting to be someone I like again. For too long I wasn't. And that was bad.

I dunno. *sighs*

~Sorceress/Kat

MOOP!

Original Tags: unofficialxyears, i-write-good-shit: personal, sluggy.net, v, growing up, tagged, thoughtstream, nosce te ipsum, rlife, denizens, sorcy-is-pretentious
or
sluggy.net, raka, therapywarning, selfhate, read-the-sorkin-manual, retrospective

Comments

Re: intellectual property

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Yes oh great senior of mine.

*rolls eyes*

And I steal your words all the time, get over it!!

~Kat