MOOP!

My usual preface: I don't cook, and any evidence to the contrary has probably been invented by the government to confuse you. On a totally unrelated note, I made a roux yesterday. It was terrifying, but somehow did not explode, so I count it as a success.

So, there's about one thing in the world that I actually consider myself to be able to cook. I call it "eggs etc", and I can teach you how to cook it too!

Get a frying pan
Get a bowl
Put the insides^{1, 2} of some eggs into the bowl
Put some milk and some teriyaki sauce and some cheese and basically anything else you have lying around the kitchen into the bowl
Mix
Dump the bowl into the frying pan. You can actually add the etc at this step if you want.
Ham is pretty good. So is broccoli
Cook over low heat³
Keep cooking and stirring with a spatula or something until the egg bits are pretty solid
Put it on a plate and eat.

Brilliant recipe, right? The best part is that you can make it with basically anything in your kitchen that tastes good with eggs. Every ingredient I mentioned above is optional.

Including, as I learned tonight, the eggs. I had a can of sliced potatoes (expired in July of 2008, so if I die, I'd start by blaming that) and no eggs. Ergo, I made "Eggs etc without eggs".

Ingredients included butter and canola oil, to give me a little bit of frying ability, the aforementioned deadly potatoes, some Melting Pot garlic powder etc, and some Crazy Jane's mixed up salt. Oh, and teriyaki sauce. That's like crucial to making things in the frying pan.

It was okay. I ate about two-thirds of it⁴ --a little too much salt. Also, the potatoes weren't very good to start, so, you know. That. I will either finish it later or ruthfully⁶ cheat and send them down the drain for reasons of not wanting them.

So, notes for the future:

Eggs etc should contain eggs.
Also, the fridge in the empty city should contain eggs.

Woot.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: As in, everything but the shells
2: Crack eggs on flat surfaces --it won't drive bits of eggshell into the soft gooey stuff. Thanks Alton!
3: Thanks Vienna

4: Mr Belm's second law of the kitchen⁵: Eat all the leftovers. Mr Belm's third law of the kitchen: If you ruin a dish, you still have to eat it. Burnt or improperly seasoned food is a powerful motivator to improve.

5: As well as Mr Belm's Laws of the Kitchen (which should technically be the Belm Culinary Laboratory Rules for Learning to Cook), my brain also has Chris's first law of cooking (Wash the knife immediately after using, dry it, and put it straight away. Knives are too good for dishwashers or soaking) and Chris's second law of cooking (Pans are a lot easier to clean when they're still hot).

There are probably other rules I'm not remembering --there's certainly a Belm-based rule of using knuckles when cutting vegetables such to not chop off fingers-- but that's the stuff I more or less live by in the kitchen.

6: It is impossible for me to be ruthless.

As you all ought to know, someday I will rule the world. When that happens, you will all be my subordinates. Not slaves, exactly, more like everybody I know becomes the equivilant of a younger sibling--if I want a sandwich or something, then you have to go make me one.

Anyways. When that happens, I figure there ought to be some sort of resource for making me sandwiches correctly, and not doing something heinous like putting mayonaise on them or something¹. Todays lesson is:

How to make Kat a tunafish sandwich

Ingrediants/supplies:
A 6oz can of tuna fish
Some ranch dressing
Dill pickle relish
3-4 small dill pickles
2 slices of bread
one fork
one bowl
cutting board
knife
plate
can opener

Recipie!:
Step one: Use the can opener to open the can of tunafish. Drain the water into the sink, and use the fork to get all the actual tuna into the bowl. Then rinse the can out and recycle it.

Step two: Pour some ranch dressing into the bowl, and mix with the tuna. The tuna should lighten by a couple of shades --if it doesn't change colour, dollop some more dressing in.

Step three: Wash the fork off, and use it to dollop some dill relish into the bowl. About two forkfuls is all you need. Mix it all up.

Step four: Take the actual pickles and put them on the cutting board. Dice the pickles with the knife, then add them to the tuna. Mix well.

Step five: (OPTIONAL) Taste the tunafish to see if it is satisfactory. If nessecary, add more ranch dressing, dill pickles, or relish at this point.

Step six: Spread the tunafish onto one of the slices of bread, then place the other slice on top and squish it down. You will probably have too much tunafish --you can either bring the leftover tunafish to me to eat, or eat it yourself.

Step seven: Deliver the tunafish to me. Be proud of a job well done.

[/recipie]

Uhm, yeah. Keep tuned for other important recipies, like how to make Kat a bowl of spaghettios, or how to make Kat some instant pudding. Man, it's been FOREVER since I've had instant pudding.

Have a nice day!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Putting mayonaise on a sandwich intended to be eaten by me is an offense punishible by death, or at least a couple hours confined to the dungeon. Yes, this will be an actual law.

CW from a future-Kat. First comment.