(no subject)
Jan. 20th, 2015 05:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressI am sexually desirable.
A lot of that is simple to understand. I have a body that ranks very highly on conventional attractiveness metrics (translation: I'm dangerously skinny while still maintaining muscle tone and a nice arse) and a face that ranks reasonably well. I have heaps of personal charisma. My movements are interesting, my demeanor is open, and my modesty (in both senses) is low. And I flirt like it was an olympic sport, I am not even kidding.
This is an okay thing. I mean, from a perfectly practical standpoint, it's a really good thing that I am sexually desirable because I am damn good at sex1, and enjoy performing it. It would be a lot harder for me to have a sex if I was not in some way desired for it.
But sometimes...heh.
Being good at sex is not a socially acceptable arrogance2. And hoboy, even with years spent examining my ad-induced programing and attempting to destroy it, it can feel really damn awful that sex is a thing I am good at. Sex is dirty and slutty and gross. People who engage in it are not to be respected.
(shut UP, 15!Sor.)
And given that twisted nature, sex is the only thing I can *always* feel like I am good at. Other talents get shredded into the rest of the "worthless" pile when She3 gets her claws into me, it is scary-easy for me to convince myself that I am not good at...literally anything else one could be good at. But sex? Oh yes, I am always allowed to be good at sex. I am good at sex and nothing else, because I am a damn little dirty slut with no "real" talents.
Now, as with all the rest of my insanities and instabilities, I am working on introspecting and unpacking and tinkering and fixing. I am figuring out the things that make me feel more good (enthusiastic and consent-oriented partners are the fucking best, pun intended) or less good (anyone who treats me firstly as a sexual object can fuck right off) and getting my brain to hold more healthy attitudes about All This. Sex is an activity, that's all. I happen to be good at it, that's neutral.
But one thing that is Very Important for my continued happiness is having friends who enjoy my company (and make this fact clear, I can be oblivious), and with whom there could not be a sexual relationship. That wording is precise, it's not friends with whom there isn't a sexual relationship --that is most of my friends. It's friends who I know cannot/will not be sexually interested in me, and that I cannot/will not be sexually interested in them.
I engage in post-modern relationship structuring4. That subset is rarer than you think, because a really high percentage of my friends are people who I could comfortably date someday. *Am* I sexually or romantically attracted to the most of you? No, sorry. But I recognize that I have the potential to be. Pretty much unless you are underage6, serious-commitment-mono7, solely androphilic8, or *much*9 older than I am, I have the potential to be interested in you.10, 11.
And it has to go both directions. Not only do you have to meet some of the above criterion, I have to be in some way not just undesirable to you but actively unable to be desirable. And that's rare. I am just arrogant enough to be aware of my own attractiveness, and a *lot* of my friends are gynophilic men.
So when I do find one of those relationships, I glom and glom *hard*. Because if I have people in my life who *aren't* interacting with me in the hope of getting sex someday12, then there must be some other reason they are interacting with me. Maybe they think I'm funny. Or clever. Or competent.
Maybe I am good at something that is not just sex. Maybe I have a worth beyond my damn dirty slutty nature.
This is important for my life. Because damnit, I am a hella-rad individual. I am good at teaching, good at dancing, good with words (both funny and broken), good with numbers. I can solve a jigsaw, milk a cow, walk on stilts, calm a crying child, defenestrate packages, organize a bookshelf, and put together scaffolding.
I can give a damn good orgasm if I set my mind to it. But it's not the only thing I'm good at. I'm grateful there are people out there who (intentionally or not) ensure I realize it.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Can I just use "sex" to describe the non-penetrative yet orgasm-inducing mutually satisfaction stimulation of the genitals I engage in regularly with some small handful of people? I know that y'all constantly be all "but when you said sex I assumed you meant PiV penetration and was confused" but can we just not? I don't feel like euphemizing it this entire post, or having this debate. It's 2015, it's been a long time since non-cishet sexual pairings were invented, so can we just not keep holding them on this pedestal of "this is how it's done"?
Man, I have some anger there that I didn't know about. That is fascinating, and doubly so since most of my sexytimes *do* appear to be cishet. But I don't like penetration and so it's not a thing I do, and trust me, my boys are *perfectly* satisfied without it.
2: Okay, strictly speaking, I am socially read as female. It is not acceptable for me to be arrogant about *anything*. But that's another post.
3: Discussion question: Why is the personification of my insecurities still female when the rest of me isn't?
(Discussion answer: Because girl-bullies use words.)
4: My new umfriend5 used this last night, and I think I like it better than Relationship Anarchist.
5: "this is foo! They're my...um...friend!"
6: I am beginning to get old enough that I can't discount entirely the idea of dating people younger than me, but man, I kinda wish I could. This is also the only category that is transient.
7: As is your partner with whom you're committed, because if I know you know about poly and are already willing to have room for it in your life, until and unless I explicitly know that you are definitely mono, there is room for opportunity.
8: THIS GETS SQUIDGY when Erik gets involved, that is also also also another post for another day.
9: I mean, theoretically? I think the furthest I've ever gone is 21 years older? Maybe? I mean, my dance instructor who I emphatically am not allowed to have a crush on is maybe 30 years older than I am?
10: There is a fifth category in this subset, which is probably the most complex --people who I have had enough honest and explicit communication with that I can totally and fully trust them when they say we don't/won't ever have that. Veronica, for instance, falls well within this one.
11: Okay, and my abilities to be interested in people are actually semi-documented (I can prevent myself from having crushes *no really* if I want to) and pretty cool. Again, the subset of people I am *actually* attracted to at any given moment is MUCH smaller than the subset of potential.
12: I almost wrote "sexual attention", but that's not entirely right --flirtation is a form of sexual attention, and I can't *not* flirt with people, srsly. If anything, I am more likely, and happier, to flirt with people when I know for fact it's not going to go anywhere and no one will get the wrong idea. All my friends are attractive and I am a sexual being. *shrugs*.
As a final post-script, I'd like to add that despite my indiscretion towards attraction, I have fairly high standards about engaging in the actual act. Look, I let someone new go down on me this week and I think they're the first new person to do so since late 2010. I have a lot of really good sex, and a lot of reasonably good sexual relationships, but the ways I Do Sex are neurotic, strange, and guarded. If you want to have sex with me, it's statistically not mutual. Sorry?
("You're not even a good slut" She whispers, but she can piss off, because I am happy and safe and have almost no regrets.)
A lot of that is simple to understand. I have a body that ranks very highly on conventional attractiveness metrics (translation: I'm dangerously skinny while still maintaining muscle tone and a nice arse) and a face that ranks reasonably well. I have heaps of personal charisma. My movements are interesting, my demeanor is open, and my modesty (in both senses) is low. And I flirt like it was an olympic sport, I am not even kidding.
This is an okay thing. I mean, from a perfectly practical standpoint, it's a really good thing that I am sexually desirable because I am damn good at sex1, and enjoy performing it. It would be a lot harder for me to have a sex if I was not in some way desired for it.
But sometimes...heh.
Being good at sex is not a socially acceptable arrogance2. And hoboy, even with years spent examining my ad-induced programing and attempting to destroy it, it can feel really damn awful that sex is a thing I am good at. Sex is dirty and slutty and gross. People who engage in it are not to be respected.
(shut UP, 15!Sor.)
And given that twisted nature, sex is the only thing I can *always* feel like I am good at. Other talents get shredded into the rest of the "worthless" pile when She3 gets her claws into me, it is scary-easy for me to convince myself that I am not good at...literally anything else one could be good at. But sex? Oh yes, I am always allowed to be good at sex. I am good at sex and nothing else, because I am a damn little dirty slut with no "real" talents.
Now, as with all the rest of my insanities and instabilities, I am working on introspecting and unpacking and tinkering and fixing. I am figuring out the things that make me feel more good (enthusiastic and consent-oriented partners are the fucking best, pun intended) or less good (anyone who treats me firstly as a sexual object can fuck right off) and getting my brain to hold more healthy attitudes about All This. Sex is an activity, that's all. I happen to be good at it, that's neutral.
But one thing that is Very Important for my continued happiness is having friends who enjoy my company (and make this fact clear, I can be oblivious), and with whom there could not be a sexual relationship. That wording is precise, it's not friends with whom there isn't a sexual relationship --that is most of my friends. It's friends who I know cannot/will not be sexually interested in me, and that I cannot/will not be sexually interested in them.
I engage in post-modern relationship structuring4. That subset is rarer than you think, because a really high percentage of my friends are people who I could comfortably date someday. *Am* I sexually or romantically attracted to the most of you? No, sorry. But I recognize that I have the potential to be. Pretty much unless you are underage6, serious-commitment-mono7, solely androphilic8, or *much*9 older than I am, I have the potential to be interested in you.10, 11.
And it has to go both directions. Not only do you have to meet some of the above criterion, I have to be in some way not just undesirable to you but actively unable to be desirable. And that's rare. I am just arrogant enough to be aware of my own attractiveness, and a *lot* of my friends are gynophilic men.
So when I do find one of those relationships, I glom and glom *hard*. Because if I have people in my life who *aren't* interacting with me in the hope of getting sex someday12, then there must be some other reason they are interacting with me. Maybe they think I'm funny. Or clever. Or competent.
Maybe I am good at something that is not just sex. Maybe I have a worth beyond my damn dirty slutty nature.
This is important for my life. Because damnit, I am a hella-rad individual. I am good at teaching, good at dancing, good with words (both funny and broken), good with numbers. I can solve a jigsaw, milk a cow, walk on stilts, calm a crying child, defenestrate packages, organize a bookshelf, and put together scaffolding.
I can give a damn good orgasm if I set my mind to it. But it's not the only thing I'm good at. I'm grateful there are people out there who (intentionally or not) ensure I realize it.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Can I just use "sex" to describe the non-penetrative yet orgasm-inducing mutually satisfaction stimulation of the genitals I engage in regularly with some small handful of people? I know that y'all constantly be all "but when you said sex I assumed you meant PiV penetration and was confused" but can we just not? I don't feel like euphemizing it this entire post, or having this debate. It's 2015, it's been a long time since non-cishet sexual pairings were invented, so can we just not keep holding them on this pedestal of "this is how it's done"?
Man, I have some anger there that I didn't know about. That is fascinating, and doubly so since most of my sexytimes *do* appear to be cishet. But I don't like penetration and so it's not a thing I do, and trust me, my boys are *perfectly* satisfied without it.
2: Okay, strictly speaking, I am socially read as female. It is not acceptable for me to be arrogant about *anything*. But that's another post.
3: Discussion question: Why is the personification of my insecurities still female when the rest of me isn't?
(Discussion answer: Because girl-bullies use words.)
4: My new umfriend5 used this last night, and I think I like it better than Relationship Anarchist.
5: "this is foo! They're my...um...friend!"
6: I am beginning to get old enough that I can't discount entirely the idea of dating people younger than me, but man, I kinda wish I could. This is also the only category that is transient.
7: As is your partner with whom you're committed, because if I know you know about poly and are already willing to have room for it in your life, until and unless I explicitly know that you are definitely mono, there is room for opportunity.
8: THIS GETS SQUIDGY when Erik gets involved, that is also also also another post for another day.
9: I mean, theoretically? I think the furthest I've ever gone is 21 years older? Maybe? I mean, my dance instructor who I emphatically am not allowed to have a crush on is maybe 30 years older than I am?
10: There is a fifth category in this subset, which is probably the most complex --people who I have had enough honest and explicit communication with that I can totally and fully trust them when they say we don't/won't ever have that. Veronica, for instance, falls well within this one.
11: Okay, and my abilities to be interested in people are actually semi-documented (I can prevent myself from having crushes *no really* if I want to) and pretty cool. Again, the subset of people I am *actually* attracted to at any given moment is MUCH smaller than the subset of potential.
12: I almost wrote "sexual attention", but that's not entirely right --flirtation is a form of sexual attention, and I can't *not* flirt with people, srsly. If anything, I am more likely, and happier, to flirt with people when I know for fact it's not going to go anywhere and no one will get the wrong idea. All my friends are attractive and I am a sexual being. *shrugs*.
As a final post-script, I'd like to add that despite my indiscretion towards attraction, I have fairly high standards about engaging in the actual act. Look, I let someone new go down on me this week and I think they're the first new person to do so since late 2010. I have a lot of really good sex, and a lot of reasonably good sexual relationships, but the ways I Do Sex are neurotic, strange, and guarded. If you want to have sex with me, it's statistically not mutual. Sorry?
("You're not even a good slut" She whispers, but she can piss off, because I am happy and safe and have almost no regrets.)
no subject
on 2015-01-24 04:04 am (UTC)I can think of thoughtless words and actions that would do the opposite, but it's harder to think of words and actions that specifically deny your insecurities.
no subject
on 2015-01-24 02:13 pm (UTC)My friend Galia is made entirely of enthusiasm and competence. She makes a point of when she sees me to flatter my own non-appearance based traits, in between snuggling up to me and making me so so happy because that is just what she does.
I mean, in general, I --like every other human-- want attention. Giving me attention is a good thing! Giving me attention for things I do other than "appear" is even greater. I create livejournal posts, I go dancing, I exist on IM for conversations. Giving me feedback in those realms is lovely.
It's hard for other people to fight my insecurities. They can help a bit, but She is fairly insidious and has a lot of practice knowing when and how to strike. In general...every truth I hear, helps? Reinforce that I have more value than just sex (do not do this by trying to eradicate that I do have value in sex) in small ways, and I will have that small ammo to throw the next time.
~Sor