Note to Self

[sorcyress]

I am allowed to want things that aren't fair.

Really.

I'm not entitled to them, oh certainly not, but I am allowed to want anything and everything I want. And I'm allowed to say that, and see if I can get it, and make compromises, and work through things, because that is what mature adults do when they have desires. They take steps to see those desires through, be that to fulfillment or closure.

I am allowed to want things that restrict others' choices. I am allowed to ask them to let their choices be restricted. They are allowed to say no, and if they do, it means I get to learn how to deal with it. I like learning how to deal with things, it makes me feel strong.

And I am allowed to want anything and everything I want, no matter how dirty or terrible or unfair or cruel or indulgent or useless. Wanting is not bad. Actions are changeable, feelings are not, and desire is every bit as much a feeling as hatred or sadness or guilt.

(Sometimes I find myself repeating in my writing and need to change the words to be less the same. Sometimes I find myself repeating because repetition is ritual and saying the words over and over and *over* again sometimes makes it easier to hear them.

And so despite the fact that I know asking for restriction is not fair, and something I find horrific asked of me, I am still allowed to want it. I can cry because I feel betrayed, cry because I am jealous, cry for any number of fucked up fractured reasons (because I am a fucked up fractured person and know that I'm just very good at hiding it) but I cannot cry because I feel wrong for wanting.

Desire is not wrong.

And so it is written and so it shall be cast.

Comments

[42itous.livejournal.com]

You're certainly allowed to want anything you want -- how could you not? But some people, when asked to restrict their choices, have trouble saying no. So it's your responsibility, as the prospective asker, to consider what the consequences might be if you voice your desire. You can't help wanting, but you can choose not to ask, or to postpone asking.

[Please forgive me if I'm giving the wrong advice at the wrong time -- obviously I don't have the full picture of the situation you're pondering.]

You *shouldn't* feel wrong for wanting, but sometimes we feel wrong when we shouldn't. And feeling wrong is also a viable emotion. You don't have to embrace it, but you should acknowledge it.

We are all fucked up fractured people. And at the same time, we are all awesome, wonderful people in our own ways. It's what keeps life interesting.

Re repeating yourself in your writing: have you read Catch-22? That's a classic example of repetition for emphasis, and I think it's brilliant.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Regarding the first point, certainly. I can't change what I want, but I can change what actions I take to obtain it (or not). Catch me offline and I'll give you the details of this specific situation --among other things, it's someone who has no trouble saying no, so I'm not at all worried about that part, at least.

As for Catch-22, you must've been in the kitchen --I was saying I needed to read it when I saw a copy on your shelf. Hopefully I will remember to go get it from the library soon.

~Sor

[42itous.livejournal.com]

You can borrow my copy if you want. You can borrow almost any book from me. Which reminds me, did I ever bring you my book about Leo & Diane Dillon?

[jere7my.livejournal.com]

*applause*

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

This.

[luckylefty.livejournal.com]

I agree with everything you say, except that I think "Actions are changeable, feelings are not" is an oversimplification. Your feelings can and will change, and your conscious choices of actions and thoughts can affect how they change. So you have some control over your feelings. But it's a very odd, very indirect sort of control. In particular, if I feel something or want something that I wish I didn't feel or want, telling myself it's a bad feeling or desire, and I'm a bad person for feeling this or desiring that, is not going to make the feeling go away. But acknowledging and accepting the desire, and saying "OK, whether it's reasonable or fair or good or rational not, this is what I feel/want, and I accept that this is where I am now" can be a step towards changing a feeling or desire that I think is irrational and that I'd rather not have.

Also, I'd be really interested in your post on age-discrepencies in relationships you mentioned sometime back. If you don't manage to turn it into a post, I'd be interested in sharing our thoughts on the subject sometime.

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

Actually, I quibble with the "cannot cry". Feeling wrong is also a feeling, and you are allowed to have it even if it's not at all sensible. As much as you are allowed to want things, you are also allowed to be upset when you don't live up to your standards, and furthermore allowed to be upset about being upset and so forth onto the recursion of utter silliness. It's all legit, and it all deserves dealing with and taking care of yourself during.

[hermitgeecko.livejournal.com]

Well said.