A proper outing.

[sorcyress]

So let's talk about it a little bit. Ain't gonna leave an elephant that big lying around without giving some explanation. I'm cryptic, not cruel.

Trigger warning, sexual and emotional abuse.

And...that's what it is, really. I consider myself to have been abused. The partner in question is kinda damaged, much more than I am. I don't think they consider themself to be an abuser, and that's fair, I guess. But I look back at what was going on, and my skin crawls, because I have so fucking few happy memories from that relationship, and that's not good.

I call the sex stuff rape, but I don't always believe it was "that bad". They never actually had intercourse with me, for instance, despite how badly they wanted to. And, you know...rape is bad. I don't want to be "that girl who was raped". So instead I'm just "that girl whose partner went too far and didn't really listen when she asked them to step back." Which isn't exactly better.

There are things that still make me nervous sexually, long after, because they happen and I Remember. But I'm working on it --no one but me gets to decide what I can enjoy-- and my current partners are both supportive and helpful. (Sparr especially seems to find it a challenge to...not fix me, I'm not _broken_... but help me scar over the damaged parts. I'm grateful for this.)

The emotional stuff was probably worse, but I don't talk about it as much --partly because it's a lot more insidious, and makes me look a lot more pathetic. There were some pretty thorough incompatibilities in our relationship, and they caused my partner to lash out at me, due to insecurity. I wound up having to give them a lot more support than I was ready for or able to.

I don't have very good journaling for a lot of the relationship, so I wonder sometimes if I'm just being crazy, and exaggerating what happened. But then I look over old chatlogs, and find the one where they're yelling at me for spending more time talking to Veronica than them, or the one where they decide to blackmail me, and I'm...reassured, unfortunately. That's not everything they did, or even the worst of it, but it's enough to know that I was absolutely the more sane partner in the relationship (and that simply should not happen with me.)

I've been writing heavily filtered posts about it for a while now --if you want to be on that filter and go read them, feel free to contact me and ask, though I absolutely reserve the right to not let you on and never explain why. Mostly, I've been working on just trying to figure shit out, and learn how to heal. That's a big part of why I went back to therapy a year ago, to try talking to someone for a while. It did help, I think. The other thing that's helped a lot is learning more about rape culture and activism and coming to terms with the fact that there are some shitty toxic narratives that get forced into our throats from day one. I've been doing what little I can to avoid those, when I can.

There's been a lot of waffling about whether or not I was ever going to make a post like this. It's...not a secret that I was raped, abused, whatever word you want to use. Indeed, it's kindof become a thing I make sure new friends know about me, in part because this happens _all the time_. It's horrifying, and I don't want anyone I know to be able to say "I don't know anyone who's been raped" because I expect I am not the only friend you have who has. Closets have always made me grit my teeth, in part because I am charismatic and popular and I want to prove to the world that you can be a functional human being and still be [gay/poly/kinky/queer/survivor/etc]

I don't want anything bad to happen to that partner. We've split, and it's cool, they're out of my life now. They weren't intentionally abusing me, they just...had a shitty life, and it hadn't taught them how to deal with people in a functional manner. I have sympathy for that. Which is all a fancy way of saying, if you know or have suspicions, don't. Don't out them, don't accuse them, just don't. Part of my reluctance to talk about this is that I don't want to drag their name through the mud (which is why there are as few personal details as I can write) and I don't want to fuck up their life any farther --I just want to be completely out of it.

At any rate, a lot of the nerve to actually make this post --which I wanted to make for LAST Coming Out Day, but couldn't find the nerve to speak up-- is due to a recent post by Holly Pervocracy, Survivor. There've been a ton of essays and blog entries that have made it seem a little easier, made it seem like I was less alone. But that one hit me like a ton of bricks, especially the intro. I don't want to say I was raped, it seems so fucking *dramatic*. But it's true. Sometimes dramatic things happen to non-dramatic people.

Anyway, I won't say I'm fixed, but I will say I'm a hell of a lot better then I was. I have written literally thousands of words on this, private and public, since before the relationship ended even. Writing...helps is such an insufficient word. And being loved by people who aren't assholes helps, and knowing people who are from the "yes means yes" school of consent theory helps, and let's face it, time helps. It still hurts, but every year it hurts me a little bit less. Someday maybe it won't hurt at all.

Happy Coming Out Day. Sorry it's such a downer this year.

~just Kat, this time
MOOP!

Trigger warnings go both ways, abuse: sexual and emotional.

Comments

[jannyblue]

I'm sorry you had to go through it.

I don't think they consider themself to be an abuser

They NEVER do. Ever. And most of the time you will never see it until it gets so bad that you'll question your own sanity (assuming you've any left) because nobody else ever seems to see that side...

Until you get away, and then you find out just how much everyone knew about how bad it was for you.

I don't want anyone I know to be able to say "I don't know anyone who's been raped"

I haven't been able to say this truthfully since I was 15. I was not the victim in question. I've met many more in the decade and a half since then.

Part of the reason I don't act "like a girl" is because I am paranoid of this happening to me. (though honestly, I was never all that "girly" to begin with)

the subtle vise

[woozle]

When you said

I don't want anyone I know to be able to say "I don't know anyone who's been raped"

my brain said "Yes, this is important."

I was thinking that I shouldn't start talking about my past experiences lest I (a) make this all about me, (b) hijack your commentspace, (c) trivialize your experience -- but then I remembered you had said that you like it when people ramble about themselves in your comments. So here's the train of thought...

You said

my skin crawls, because I have so fucking few happy memories from that relationship, and that's not good.

...which immediately took me back to a certain prior relationship that, in retrospect, was rather emotionally abusive... because "so few happy memories from that relationship" very much describes it. I still cringe when I visit there, even though the separation was amicable.

I don't think the other person in the relationship was the source of the abuse; most of it seems to originate in the emotional dysfunctionality of one of their parents, and they did a substantial amount of work towards not passing all of it on... but still, some came through them and some got around them. (I could deal a lot better with the stuff that got around them, when they weren't trying to stop me from fighting back... for which I mostly don't blame them, because the parent's usual tactic was to punish them for my insolence.)

Most of the abuse was transmitted as a sort of quasi-passive defense of how the parent was behaving, because [in their view] the parent's beliefs about what one's obligations are were realistic, therefore the parent's demands of me and criticisms of my failures to meet the parent's standards were also reasonable.

"That's just how things are" / "That's life" / "That's just the way it is" should probably be added to the catalogue of abuse-phrases. Anytime someone advocates for tolerance of wrongness, without explanation or discussion, that's a form of abuse.

As you say, I think

They weren't intentionally abusing me, they just...had a shitty life, and it hadn't taught them how to deal with people in a functional manner.

That seems like a good place to stop.

This is rambly and incoherent but hopefully you can parse some of it...?

[harena]

First of all: *huglges*

Second of all: So much to say. This comment will undoubtedly take a while to write. Here goes.

I don't think they consider themself to be an abuser, and that's fair, I guess.

Multiple responses to this. Firstly, i wanted to respond to Janny's comment about "They Never Do" because, yes, the "real" abusers (by that i mean the ones who are overtly vicious) don't, that's true. But i think in your case, it's more of a softer thing. i agree that the person in question did not see themselves as an abuser in that overt way. It was their own insecurities that caused the abuse, not some blatant meanness inside of them. (hoping this is making some sort of sense).

It's something i've run into because i've had both sorts, you see. i've had abusers who were just Plain Mean. i've had an abuser who was insane and mean. i've had an abuser⁴ who abused me much like the one you are referring to did you through their own mental illness and did have true regrets along the way when they weren't caught up in samesuch illness. i said all along the way of extricating myself from that one that they were never malicious & i stand by that statement. That just din't preclude me from saving myself which i finally did.

Another direction that sets me off into with the "They din't consider themselves an abuser" thing, whereby one says they were just behaving that way because of their own brokennesses or whatever... is this. It fills me with the terror that i am an abuser. i abused my little sister because of the unhealthy home we grew up in. i abused my eldest because i was in a horrible place with my own abuser in place. i abuse W every time i belittle her or scream at her when the negvox make me frightened and angry. And this fills me with such fear that i would end up in that box that i do contemplate doing something drastic, 'causeyar maybe i don't deserve to live just like all those other abusers that people say don't deserve to live.

The emotional stuff was probably worse, but I don't talk about it as much --partly because it's a lot more insidious, and makes me look a lot more pathetic.

The thing about that is this. I'd been much much happier if i'd just had an abuser who regularly threw hammers at me (yes, this actually happened; i ducked in time) than one that just did the emotional stuff. Physical injuries heal so much faster and (usually) more completely than emotional ones do. Abuser #1 did the former, Abuser #2 did the latter. Yet, i'd take all those hammers from #1 over the 12 years of emotion stuff that #2 did to me. i still struggle from that stuff. (and don't even get me started on the parental unit abuse which was nothing but emotional and set the foundations of all my Internal Crap and basically are the negvox). That stuff is hard.

That said, i'm glad to see that you got some counseling that has helped! i jump in here and do the now Hypertwin Mantra Originally Started by W's Anna Chant¹ at you: "You Can Do It, Yes You Can!" i know it sounds all stupid and contrived and syruppy but this is me we are talking about and you know i mean it ... i have faith in you! ^_^

The other thing that's helped a lot is learning more about rape culture and activism and coming to terms with the fact that there are some shitty toxic narratives that get forced into our throats from day one. I've been doing what little I can to avoid those, when I can.

This goes in a couple of different directions for me and firstly, i just want to acknowledge how horrible it is that we as female bodied people get that stuff dumped on us as a matter of course. It totally sucks.

The other direction is one that i know i've voiced at you before and you've always been wonderful about supporting me and that's the doubt that i even have been actually abused. That i don't have as much of a reason to complain because clearly That Other Person was really raped 'cause i wasn't phsyically restrained and had anything physcially forced on me and so on.

Another thing is the whole "How could you be so stupid to stay with them" thing. For me, i realize that most people who utter that line or something similar are doing so because they have no idea what it's like to be inside that bubble. They are outside and have the objectivity. They have no idea that when you are inside that bubble that you are inside the abuser's mindspace, their matrix, and that's reality as you know it. So that's why. If someone has been telling you for so long that the sky is purple, you look up and and it's totally purple. Never mind that people around you are telling you that it is blue, you know it's purple. (Though, i suppose this is all rehashing on my part, you probly all know this already >.>)

As a side note, even i have been known to say something similar to the "how could you be so stupid?" thing ("if i could escape, then anyone could!") but it's more of an anguish for their well-being than an anger at them for being idiots sort of thing.

Happy Coming Out Day. Sorry it's such a downer this year.

Seriously? It's not a downer. It's an affirmer. You are being brave and strong and so much more than myself who can't even out herself on the LGBT spectrum to the General Public. Sure, most of my friends who Matter to me know but my family does not and i'll probly never tell them because why bother? It'd open a can of worms² that i haven't the energy to deal with and it's largely irrelevant anyway.

So no, not a downer, an upper. You give me something to Look Up To. i love you dearly, DarlySor and you always amaze me with your Strong and Awesome. Always be kind to yourself because you deserve it.

*hgulges againgain*




1: This evolved when W&Anna&I visited Calyfornay back in 2006 and we giddily rode a train from W's mums' in Redwood City to one side of SanFran & proceeded to walk the entire way to the Golden Gate Bridge on the other side of the city. We totally did it, too, by-the-by, but it took the ENTIRE day (barring stopping to eat lunch). ;D

2: Well, first it would make them go "oh but you've got a man!" Only then i'd be forced to say, Only in body. And then maybe it'd be fine that i would explain about W's gender dysphoria and that actually since i consider myself bi³ that wouldn't matter, right? But my family and extended family are so dysfunctional in the communication department that it would make it hard and i don't really see what purpose it'd serve. If someone could offer a positive suggestion (instead of some sort of Hardline Attitude)(not that i'm suggesting you'd do that but you know i know some people who would :P) maybe i'd consider it. But at this point, i just can't be arsed and so be it.

3: Right and that's another thing that i have self-doubt about (that i don't really count 'cause it hasn't been consummated) but that's a whole other comment/post/whatever.

4⁵: Man, that looks like i collected the buggers as if i enjoyed them or something. Ye Gods. :P

5: 4 because i can't be arsed to change all the numbers >.>

Re: This is rambly and incoherent but hopefully you can parse some of it...?

[jazzfish]

It fills me with the terror that i am an abuser.

oh dear god so much this i cannot bear to type.

(I will say, knowing you only through comments in Sor's journal, that you are an amazing person and my world has been made brighter knowing that you and yours are in it.)

---

It's not a downer. It's an affirmer.

This, as well.

Re: This is rambly and incoherent but hopefully you can parse some of it...?

[harena]

i meant to respond to this earlier... and Sor totally encouraged me to do so ... but i was rather melted by your response and i've only just reconstituted enough to be able to reply.

Thank you for your support... i was rather blind-sided and as i said, melted by it! i am always surprised when one of Sor's Cool Friends respond to wee insignificant me 'cause i am pretty sure no one is really paying attention. But i guess that is just a lie the negvox are telling me (along with the abuse/rape stuffnthings).

Also, reading your parenthetical note there even now brings wee tears of happiness to my eyes. Thank you :')

Re: This is rambly and incoherent but hopefully you can parse some of it...?

[jazzfish]

Oh good. That was sort of the idea. :) You're most welcome!

when one of Sor's Cool Friends

*koff* *hack* *koff* I'm pretty sure that's the first time I've ever been accused of being one of anyone's Cool Friends. I'm rather flattered.

[lyrwen.livejournal.com]

If you feel what happened was rape, but you feel like you have to minimise it because it wasn't "proper" rape- because it doesn't fit the lies we're told to simultaniously make us feel safe and endanger us... Then that is very understandble, but very wrong, and very sad. D: *gives you peanut butter on a spoon*

[jere7my.livejournal.com]

I don't mean to speak for Kat, but she has put a remarkable amount of thought into this, as painful and stressful as that process was for her. I think it's better to trust the conclusions she's reached than to tell her she's wrong because those conclusions don't match a certain narrative. All human interaction is nuanced, even abuse; Kat's is an impressively nuanced and gracious analysis of the situation.

Part of taking back power from an abusive situation is defining the abuse in your own terms.

[lyrwen.livejournal.com]

D: that's nnot what I said

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Hon, you said "If you feel it is rape, but [not proper rape], that is very wrong."

jere7my is exactly right right now. This is incredibly complicated for me, and I use both "rape" and "sexual assault" as the words fit --for writerly reasons, like scansion and power and number of syllables, and for personal reasons, like my mood, and my charity, and whether or not I am thinking it is rape this day. I don't, always --and not because I am feeding into the narrative of how it's not really rape unless the stranger jumps out of the bushes, but because there is a line somewhere between what constitutes sexual assault and what constitutes rape and I don't know where it is. Depending on my mood, I put myself in different places on that line, and until I involve the law, I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

They never put their sex organs in my sex organs. They never made me put mine in theirs. They never held me down and they never physically forced me, and for more than half the (workable, believable, USABLE) definitions out there, we never once had sex. I wouldn't say someone who groped me on the bus had raped me, because that's not what happened.

What I will never say is "it was consensual", because it wasn't. But I don't always say "it was rape", because that's not always correct in my mind.

Thank you for the peanut butter, dear.

~Sor

[lyrwen.livejournal.com]

D: oh nooo I meant *if* you felt you had to change how you identified it to others because of other peoples opinions that would be society being wrong, not that your assesment of it is wrong ever D:

[lyrwen.livejournal.com]

Sorry Sorkat :(

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

*ruffles your hair* It's okay Racklepants. I know you are a radasaurus (there is even a tag for it!) and do not ever mean to be a meanperson.

~Sor

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Other people's opinions thing I am lazy, selfish, and dishonest for being poly, and think I can't really be bisexual because bifolk don't exist, and think I only have the Denizens around for the attention.

Other people's opinions on who and what I am are not typically allowed in this livejournal, because fuck them, they don't get to make that choice.

~Sor

(I guess that should be only bad opinions. I let lots of good ones get through, like all my testimonials and other nice things.)

[lyrwen.livejournal.com]

Ew at those opinions D:

Rock on! :3

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Thank you, hon. For all of it.

~Sor

[mikaverleth.livejournal.com]

I don't have very good journaling for a lot of the relationship, so I wonder sometimes if I'm just being crazy, and exaggerating what happened.

the same thing goes for me, re: exaggerating what happened. (i went through a shitty friendship)

either we're both crazy, or we're both not crazy.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

We were both crazy. I won't defend how awful I was at that relationship --it was, emphatically, not my fault that they were a prick, but I could've been a lot more functional. With experience, I hope I am.

I wish you luck with figuring it out. It's hard to convince the brain to stop being biased, in some direction or another.

~Sor

[werewulf.livejournal.com]

And I'm even prouder of you for being able to post this. I'm sorry I didn't properly protect you. I'm glad you survive!

Love,
your
Mom

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

It wasn't your job to protect me, and it continues to not be. I am, unfortunately, an adult --an intelligent, well-behaved, well-raised one, but an adult nonetheless. I sure as hell want you around to bail me out when things go south, but I also need to be able to do things for myself.

I don't know that I ever did a good job of telling you, but so much of the tension from high school (middle school?) was that push for freedom, and independence. Everything in my life spirals into a search for freedom, and that's weird and complicated and means I shy away from perfectly rational things that I should not be so scared of (hello commitmentphobia). And I've only gotten better at managing it, and better at being caged, and back then...freedom meant a lot more. Especially freedom to make my own mistakes, and learn my own lessons. It means a lot that you never tried to stop me from it.

I love you so much, and constantly tell people how awesome you are. Even when you make me want to scream, I am the luckiest person I know, a hundred times over, just by having you in my life. Thank you.

Love,
your silly, weepy, awesome
Daughter

[blueeowyn.livejournal.com]

Being in a bad/toxic relationship is hard. It can mess you up for awhile and make you overly sensitive. It can also make you stronger. Good for you to get out of the relationship and kudos to you for NOT outing the person.

The insidiousness of some of the behaviors in toxic relationships is both annoying and terrifying. How some people behave towards others can be very problematic for people who have been victims of similar behavior whether or not the perpetrator "meant" to do something wrong. Being victimized sucks, having it happen when you are young sucks even more.

Kudos to you for having the strength to face it and work on repairing the damage without losing the learning. I hope you don't run into it again but I'll admit that I suspect that you will see a little of it.

As for the "I was the most sane" I read somewhere tha teveryone has to date at least one person crazier than they are, and in a lot of cases that is rather frightening. I did my 'time' in that type of hell and have moved on but some situations will still bring it back.

I agree with other posters that if YOU feel it was rape, then it was. Rape is a mental situation more than a physical one. Coercion and pressure are bad and WRONG in general and worse in a sexual situation even if so-called 'real sex' doesn't happen.

If you would let me into the filter, I would be honored but if you aren't comfortable with it, I totally get that, I am the one with a mostly flocked LJ afterall.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I don't feel I deserve kudos for not outing them. If I thought they were still dangerous, or dangerous to other people, I sure as hell would, because I don't believe in keeping that sort of thing a secret. But I think there was a lot of our particular situation that manifested worse than would with someone else, and, from what little I know, I haven't heard of them taking other partners. I am largely out of that social circle, these days.

(I don't know how I would react if they did take another partner, and it was someone I knew. It seems overly dramatic to say "bee-tee-dubs, your partner's an ass" but I would not want this to blindside people.)

I am sure I will see more of it in my life, but equally sure that I will not stand for it. I expect more of it to damage my friends, because I was always closed off and untrusting when it comes to intimacy, and this did not make me better at that.

I have dated several people who are "crazy" in several ways. I am probably the most broken person out of everyone in my first-degree polyweb (I deign not to speak for my partners' partners, most of whom I don't know), but I am, and have been for some time now, an extremely functional broken. This partner was indeed more broken than I was, and at a time when I didn't know how to repair as well. I remain unable to put in the effort to repair that degree, and I admire and thank my current partners who do so.

I do not feel comfortable letting you in the filter. I'm sorry...it's a complicated situation, and I am very cautious with that.

Thank you.

~Sor

[underwatercolor.livejournal.com]

I think you're awesome. Go you!

[tolkienkookad.livejournal.com]

I'm so proud of you. You are my inspiration and I love you very, very much.

[mrs-pansy.livejournal.com]

I know I'm really late to this thread, but I am so sorry you went through such a horrible experience. I respect your courage in telling this particular chapter of your story, and I wish you continued healing and peace.

[madbodger.livejournal.com]

Thanks much for the clearing the air. I've been wondering for quite some time what was going on. The journey is long, but you're making it, so go you!