Sorcy User Manual: The Care and Feeding of THIS Introvert

[sorcyress]

In writing this entry, I posted on Twitter "Writing more of my user manual. Is it arrogant, to suggest how people should best interact with me, or self-aware?"

Foster replied with "I think it's self aware to figure out such details but arrogant to expect that anyone will read it."

So, like everything in my journal, I will assume you didn't read it unless you tell me otherwise. That's absolutely okay, you don't *have* to read anything I post, especially not when it's this self-serving. I really truly honestly don't mind. That being said, I present the first part in what might wind up being an ongoing series:

The Care and Feeding of THIS Introvert
-A subsection of the "How To Take Care of a Sorcyress" user-manual-

So, I am an introvert. This may be confusing to some of you, as I am generally very outgoing and enthusiastic. I talk a lot, and make new friends relatively easily, and can get along in a wide assortment of different groups. One might even call me "gregarious". And they would be correct, I am absolutely a gregarious person. So how on earth could I also be an introvert?

By using more specific definitions. See, there are already words for "shy" and "quiet" and "socially-awkward". Introvert doesn't need to mean those things. Instead, introvert, and extrovert (which doesn't need to mean outgoing or loud or socially-apt) need to have their own definitions, in order to be useful words. The definitions I go by are these:

An introvert is someone for which social interaction costs energy.
An extrovert is someone for which social interaction replenishes energy.

It's that simple. I call myself an introvert because interacting with people costs me an awful lot of energy. Going out to parties, or joining in long conversation, or talking on the telephone --these are all things I find draining and the more socially drained I am, the more unhappy I am, and the more difficult it is for me to be polite or otherwise civilized to the people around me.

"So you don't like being social." No. That is absolutely not what I said. The closest equivilent I have is high-impact dancing, like swing or Regency or contra. I enjoy doing those sorts of dancing --enjoy a lot, and would gladly do them in perpetuity if I could. However I can't, because of the cost in physical energy. Eventually I run out, and then I have to eat or sleep or rest before I can do more of it.

It is the same way with social interaction. I enjoy talking or hanging out or being with people, but I can't do it indefinitely. Eventually, I have to pull apart and "rest" --recharge my social energy. Once I've recharged somehow (typically by being alone for a while, though there are some other activities that will also help me), I can return to being social. It's not a bad thing that it costs energy for me to interact with you --it's normal, and how I operate.

So! Because you are a decent and understanding type, you want to know what you can do to help! That's very sweet of you, have some things that you can do. This is by _no means_ a complete list.

• Never take time alone away from me. This is very simple to achieve and consists of making plans in advance, so I am not trying to have alone time when we are hanging out. It also includes not "surprising" me with your company when I was otherwise going to be alone. The most frustrating example of the latter is if we're meeting somewhere, and you instead show up on my route, so I don't have to travel alone. Don't ever do that. Ever. Travel is one of those mystical things that helps replenish my energy, but only if I don't have to _deal_ with anyone. Typically, the complex laws governing stranger interactions will protect me from having to expend social energy on my trip, as everyone on the bus stares straight ahead and doesn't talk to one another.



• Relatedly, do not ever surprise-visit me. You are not welcome to "just drop in" because you were in the area¹. Some people have that feature in their homes, I do not. Hopefully obviously, this doesn't apply to actual emergencies --if you need my help, please, seek it out. Come to my doorstep if that's what you need, and I will give you everything I can. But if it's a purely social visit, please let me know you're seeking it and give me a chance to decline.



• Please note that I hate talking on the phone, and it is one of the highest-costing social activities I do. Calling me up "just to chat" will work much better if the call has been pre-arranged like any other social activity. I am mildly phone-phobic, I don't process aural input very well, and the telephone really is just entirely unpleasant. Please don't throw me into it without warning. (Exception: My mother. My mother is allowed to call me whenever she pleases, about whatever she pleases. This is the advantage of being my mother.)



• Do not, for the love of sweet Athe, come into my space without invitation. The most usual definition of "my space" is my room² --there is a reason it says "By Appointment Only" on my door-- but it can also include any place where I have pulled away from the rest of the world and am being by myself. Trees are a likely culprit, as well as anywhere small, tight, and claustrophobic. You are of course welcome to *ask* for an invitation. "May I join you?", as a genuine question is a beautiful thing to hear, and I might not recall to invite you otherwise.



• Related to "don't get in my space" is "don't look over my shoulder". This goes mostly to when I'm sketching (I get weird about people watching my horriffic drawing process), using the computer (I am often having conversations with other people, and it's definitely not any of your business), or writing. (Never. Ever. Look over my shoulder. While I am writing. At best, I will switch languages to something you can't read (and I will be *pissed* since I can't write anything as quickly as English), at worst I will set you on fire with my mind). If I want you to see what I've been working on, I'll show you.



• If I pull away from touch, or are non-reactive or non-reciprocative³, then I do not want to be touched right now. If I'm not actually saying that, I'm either shutting down (see footnote) or I don't want to explain "why not?" and think the question is inevitable. Just stop touching me. This is some 101 social interaction, and if you don't get it, we're gonna have long words about consent theory sometime.



• Being flexible about plans makes me love you forever. Telling me "I have XYZ times available", and letting me choose which of those works best for me...hell, even if I weren't an introvert, that would be awesome, since I tend to be busy. I can commit to limited timings, and happily enjoy myself, but it's a lot easier if I have a little bit of choice in the matter.



• Being clear about our relationship, and having your actions line up with your statements is the most valuable thing you can do to reduce the social cost of interacting with you. Have I not mentioned? Not all social interaction costs the same for me, and one of the things that costs most (after phones) is situations where I feel like I should know the relationship and how to deal with it (just friends, lovers, fuck-buddies, SOs, strangers, customer/server, etc) and I am getting signals implying that my information is faulty and I should be behaving differently. I am terrible at re-determining relationships and how to behave on the fly. I like having alone time to think about them and recharge.



• Lastly for now, if you host a party, please let there be a quiet space I can go hang out in if I need to. "Outside" suffices, and I usually do not get oversocialed such that I need this, but knowing that you have this sort of thing established makes me trust that you're an introvert-ally and that makes me more comfortable with you in general. Comfort is pretty useful.

YAY ALL THE WORDS OMG.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: There are exceptions to this. If you're Dating (And I mean capital letters and I call you boyfriend and you were one of the first four [REDACTED]s in this post) me is usually a pretty decent exception, though you still damn well better understand that I will kick your ass on the curb and make you entertain yourself if I am busy, at least for a little while. Veronica is also permitted to do this, if she finds herself inclined. My immediate family is theoretically allowed, but I reserve the right to be doing something they find scandalous when they show up.

Seriously though, if you want to visit me _let me know_. I cannot always drop pre-arranged plans just for you, no matter how lovely you are, and I won't always want to. If I know you're coming, I can make the plans around you.

2: The Jolly Fats Wehawkin Temp Agency! Nothing weird or secret ever happens here, nope, not ever, what other room?

Also, yes I spelled that right.

3: This is actually, you know, a pretty big "Sorcy is shutting down" warning sign in general. Specific ways to deal with it will be discussed in another section of this user manual, but the quick and dirty way to reboot a sorcyress involves leaving her alone with a source of VERY LOUD music. Yes, that includes her ipod and headphones.

Comments

[tirerim]

An introvert is someone for which social interaction costs energy.
An extrovert is someone for which social interaction replenishes energy.

Hm -- by those definitions, I don't fit either category, since which of those applies for me strongly depends on a bunch of different factors, like the number of people involved, who they are, the particular social activity, the space in which it occurs, and probably a bunch of other things related to my own affective state at the time. (Hanging around chatting with friends can have effects ranging from making me happy and energized to sending me away twitching.) I'm not sure that there is any definition that puts me in one category or the other, though. Obviously, this doesn't make your definitions any less useful as they apply to you, just noting that they're fuzzy with respect to some other people.

[mekthehatter]

"Ambivert" is a term for people that fall between the two extremes. Does that apply to you?

[tirerim]

It might -- I've never heard that term before. Does it just refer to people who don't display strong characteristics of either, or does it also include people (like me) who display fairly strong characteristics of both, depending on the situation? Ah, Wikipedia seems to suggest the latter, which is good, although it really doesn't discuss it that much.

[mekthehatter]

Britannica suggests the latter, also
"i.e., they are ambiverts, in whom introversive and extraversive tendencies exist in a rough balance and are manifested at different times in response to different situations."

Considering that they say most people are ambiverts, it's odd that it's not a widely used term. People like extremes, I suppose!

[tirerim]

I think it's partly the influence of tests like Myers-Briggs that just divide people into two categories. And they do it with yes/no questions, which are extra unhelpful -- I never know how to answer those, because my answers always depend on the situation, but only providing a binary answer scheme makes it more likely that people will cluster towards one end of the spectrum or the other.

It's true, though, people do seem to like to create clear-cut personality types, despite most personalities being much more nuanced. There's type A vs. type B, right-brained vs. left-brained, men are from mars vs. women are from venus, and so on and so forth. It's not surprising, since categorization is one of the major ways that human cognition and reasoning deal with the world, but I wonder if it's really that useful as applied to personalities in general.

[harena]

So! Two days later i am finally commenting on this (let's see if i can manage to finish it before the end of the day before having it turn into 3 days ;P)

What i mainly wanted to respond to was the Introvert/Extrovert thingy...

So, I am an introvert. This may be confusing to some of you, as I am generally very outgoing and enthusiastic. I talk a lot, and make new friends relatively easily, and can get along in a wide assortment of different groups. One might even call me "gregarious". And they would be correct, I am absolutely a gregarious person. So how on earth could I also be an introvert?

Alternatively, i am a shy & socially awkward (till i warm up, Mostly) Extrovert. For years i thought i was an introvert because of those misapplied definitions but now i see very clearly otherwise.

i definitely get recharged by being With People (in a positive way). When i am down/low energy the best way to perk me up (next to pumping Dr. Pepper into me >.>) is to take me out to hang out with like-minded people. W got that and started dragging me out to the Farmers Market again, where i inevitably run into the handful of local people that i actually know/like/have things in common with. (My sister non-withstanding, but on higher ground than W's dad whom we've also run into there ;D)

My weekly knit group meeting has been a lifesaver for my mood for quite some time now (though, i frequently crash after one of those but I think that has more to do with the fact that i am no longer with them than it does from being drained *by* being with them)

And then just this past Sunday when a bunch of us went to the fiber festival and i not only hung out with them but i also got to interact with many like-minded people (including that one chick who glee'd on my bag, declared us soulmates, and stated that geek knitters were the best kind :D)

And so on...

For further pondering on my state of Extrovertnesses and how i seem to attract Introverts, you may have missed this entry... i am now realizing it was sort of a sideways How to Interact with Harena Manual, itself.. it explains a bit on how/why i react the way i do a lot of the time (i still haven't found satisfactory answers to the questions i posed there, either :/), though it largely angst about what the heck is wrong with me ;P

Soyar, i'm glad for this entry.. i need to read it over & over again so i can make sure i'm doing things Right. (by the by, i LOVE getting surprise visits.. i never actually get them, but i know i'd love them, i just do. (this was totally not a hint, nope >.>))

[mikaverleth.livejournal.com]

this could have been written by me.

[lyrwen.livejournal.com]

Oh my god #1, I wish to print out and stick on a sticker on my forhead or something, for seriouso

[hermitgeecko.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for posting this! It's always good to know a little more about how the insides of my friends' heads work so that I can help make them more comfortable. Also, I'm also an introvert, and I am always glad when people give some global education on things that can make introverts more comfortable (many of these things, particularly travel and party space needs, are completely true for me.)

[zaphod-groupie.livejournal.com]

Is it, in your opinion, possible to be a switch when it comes to social energy expenditure? Sometimes intro, sometimes extro?

[blueeowyn.livejournal.com]

I am not KD Sor, I don't portray that person in any media but as an N of one, I do have an answer.

For myself and some of my friends, it can be a bit of both. Some depends on our physical status prior to the interaction (if you are already tired, more things suck energy out of you); some depends on the type of interaction (e.g. I can get energized in a group setting IF the activities are energizing to me); and a lot depends on the people involved (some people really suck all the energy out, some replenish in some situations, a couple replenish in many situations).

[sparr0.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[miriampenguin.livejournal.com]

The thing about the touching? Yes. Both because I'm Orthodox Jewish (and so I don't touch men outside of family except in the case of a medical/emergency situation) and because I'm currently pregnant and people want to touch my belly.