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sorcyressIn writing this entry, I posted on Twitter "Writing more of my user manual. Is it arrogant, to suggest how people should best interact with me, or self-aware?"
Foster replied with "I think it's self aware to figure out such details but arrogant to expect that anyone will read it."
So, like everything in my journal, I will assume you didn't read it unless you tell me otherwise. That's absolutely okay, you don't *have* to read anything I post, especially not when it's this self-serving. I really truly honestly don't mind. That being said, I present the first part in what might wind up being an ongoing series:
The Care and Feeding of THIS Introvert
-A subsection of the "How To Take Care of a Sorcyress" user-manual-
So, I am an introvert. This may be confusing to some of you, as I am generally very outgoing and enthusiastic. I talk a lot, and make new friends relatively easily, and can get along in a wide assortment of different groups. One might even call me "gregarious". And they would be correct, I am absolutely a gregarious person. So how on earth could I also be an introvert?
By using more specific definitions. See, there are already words for "shy" and "quiet" and "socially-awkward". Introvert doesn't need to mean those things. Instead, introvert, and extrovert (which doesn't need to mean outgoing or loud or socially-apt) need to have their own definitions, in order to be useful words. The definitions I go by are these:
It's that simple. I call myself an introvert because interacting with people costs me an awful lot of energy. Going out to parties, or joining in long conversation, or talking on the telephone --these are all things I find draining and the more socially drained I am, the more unhappy I am, and the more difficult it is for me to be polite or otherwise civilized to the people around me.
"So you don't like being social." No. That is absolutely not what I said. The closest equivilent I have is high-impact dancing, like swing or Regency or contra. I enjoy doing those sorts of dancing --enjoy a lot, and would gladly do them in perpetuity if I could. However I can't, because of the cost in physical energy. Eventually I run out, and then I have to eat or sleep or rest before I can do more of it.
It is the same way with social interaction. I enjoy talking or hanging out or being with people, but I can't do it indefinitely. Eventually, I have to pull apart and "rest" --recharge my social energy. Once I've recharged somehow (typically by being alone for a while, though there are some other activities that will also help me), I can return to being social. It's not a bad thing that it costs energy for me to interact with you --it's normal, and how I operate.
So! Because you are a decent and understanding type, you want to know what you can do to help! That's very sweet of you, have some things that you can do. This is by _no means_ a complete list.
YAY ALL THE WORDS OMG.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: There are exceptions to this. If you're Dating (And I mean capital letters and I call you boyfriend and you were one of the first four [REDACTED]s in this post) me is usually a pretty decent exception, though you still damn well better understand that I will kick your ass on the curb and make you entertain yourself if I am busy, at least for a little while. Veronica is also permitted to do this, if she finds herself inclined. My immediate family is theoretically allowed, but I reserve the right to be doing something they find scandalous when they show up.
Seriously though, if you want to visit me _let me know_. I cannot always drop pre-arranged plans just for you, no matter how lovely you are, and I won't always want to. If I know you're coming, I can make the plans around you.
2: The Jolly Fats Wehawkin Temp Agency! Nothing weird or secret ever happens here, nope, not ever, what other room?
Also, yes I spelled that right.
3: This is actually, you know, a pretty big "Sorcy is shutting down" warning sign in general. Specific ways to deal with it will be discussed in another section of this user manual, but the quick and dirty way to reboot a sorcyress involves leaving her alone with a source of VERY LOUD music. Yes, that includes her ipod and headphones.
Foster replied with "I think it's self aware to figure out such details but arrogant to expect that anyone will read it."
So, like everything in my journal, I will assume you didn't read it unless you tell me otherwise. That's absolutely okay, you don't *have* to read anything I post, especially not when it's this self-serving. I really truly honestly don't mind. That being said, I present the first part in what might wind up being an ongoing series:
-A subsection of the "How To Take Care of a Sorcyress" user-manual-
So, I am an introvert. This may be confusing to some of you, as I am generally very outgoing and enthusiastic. I talk a lot, and make new friends relatively easily, and can get along in a wide assortment of different groups. One might even call me "gregarious". And they would be correct, I am absolutely a gregarious person. So how on earth could I also be an introvert?
By using more specific definitions. See, there are already words for "shy" and "quiet" and "socially-awkward". Introvert doesn't need to mean those things. Instead, introvert, and extrovert (which doesn't need to mean outgoing or loud or socially-apt) need to have their own definitions, in order to be useful words. The definitions I go by are these:
An introvert is someone for which social interaction costs energy.
An extrovert is someone for which social interaction replenishes energy.
It's that simple. I call myself an introvert because interacting with people costs me an awful lot of energy. Going out to parties, or joining in long conversation, or talking on the telephone --these are all things I find draining and the more socially drained I am, the more unhappy I am, and the more difficult it is for me to be polite or otherwise civilized to the people around me.
"So you don't like being social." No. That is absolutely not what I said. The closest equivilent I have is high-impact dancing, like swing or Regency or contra. I enjoy doing those sorts of dancing --enjoy a lot, and would gladly do them in perpetuity if I could. However I can't, because of the cost in physical energy. Eventually I run out, and then I have to eat or sleep or rest before I can do more of it.
It is the same way with social interaction. I enjoy talking or hanging out or being with people, but I can't do it indefinitely. Eventually, I have to pull apart and "rest" --recharge my social energy. Once I've recharged somehow (typically by being alone for a while, though there are some other activities that will also help me), I can return to being social. It's not a bad thing that it costs energy for me to interact with you --it's normal, and how I operate.
So! Because you are a decent and understanding type, you want to know what you can do to help! That's very sweet of you, have some things that you can do. This is by _no means_ a complete list.
- Never take time alone away from me. This is very simple to achieve and consists of making plans in advance, so I am not trying to have alone time when we are hanging out. It also includes not "surprising" me with your company when I was otherwise going to be alone. The most frustrating example of the latter is if we're meeting somewhere, and you instead show up on my route, so I don't have to travel alone. Don't ever do that. Ever. Travel is one of those mystical things that helps replenish my energy, but only if I don't have to _deal_ with anyone. Typically, the complex laws governing stranger interactions will protect me from having to expend social energy on my trip, as everyone on the bus stares straight ahead and doesn't talk to one another.
- Relatedly, do not ever surprise-visit me. You are not welcome to "just drop in" because you were in the area1. Some people have that feature in their homes, I do not. Hopefully obviously, this doesn't apply to actual emergencies --if you need my help, please, seek it out. Come to my doorstep if that's what you need, and I will give you everything I can. But if it's a purely social visit, please let me know you're seeking it and give me a chance to decline.
- Please note that I hate talking on the phone, and it is one of the highest-costing social activities I do. Calling me up "just to chat" will work much better if the call has been pre-arranged like any other social activity. I am mildly phone-phobic, I don't process aural input very well, and the telephone really is just entirely unpleasant. Please don't throw me into it without warning. (Exception: My mother. My mother is allowed to call me whenever she pleases, about whatever she pleases. This is the advantage of being my mother.)
- Do not, for the love of sweet Athe, come into my space without invitation. The most usual definition of "my space" is my room2 --there is a reason it says "By Appointment Only" on my door-- but it can also include any place where I have pulled away from the rest of the world and am being by myself. Trees are a likely culprit, as well as anywhere small, tight, and claustrophobic. You are of course welcome to *ask* for an invitation. "May I join you?", as a genuine question is a beautiful thing to hear, and I might not recall to invite you otherwise.
- Related to "don't get in my space" is "don't look over my shoulder". This goes mostly to when I'm sketching (I get weird about people watching my horriffic drawing process), using the computer (I am often having conversations with other people, and it's definitely not any of your business), or writing. (Never. Ever. Look over my shoulder. While I am writing. At best, I will switch languages to something you can't read (and I will be *pissed* since I can't write anything as quickly as English), at worst I will set you on fire with my mind). If I want you to see what I've been working on, I'll show you.
- If I pull away from touch, or are non-reactive or non-reciprocative3, then I do not want to be touched right now. If I'm not actually saying that, I'm either shutting down (see footnote) or I don't want to explain "why not?" and think the question is inevitable. Just stop touching me. This is some 101 social interaction, and if you don't get it, we're gonna have long words about consent theory sometime.
- Being flexible about plans makes me love you forever. Telling me "I have XYZ times available", and letting me choose which of those works best for me...hell, even if I weren't an introvert, that would be awesome, since I tend to be busy. I can commit to limited timings, and happily enjoy myself, but it's a lot easier if I have a little bit of choice in the matter.
- Being clear about our relationship, and having your actions line up with your statements is the most valuable thing you can do to reduce the social cost of interacting with you. Have I not mentioned? Not all social interaction costs the same for me, and one of the things that costs most (after phones) is situations where I feel like I should know the relationship and how to deal with it (just friends, lovers, fuck-buddies, SOs, strangers, customer/server, etc) and I am getting signals implying that my information is faulty and I should be behaving differently. I am terrible at re-determining relationships and how to behave on the fly. I like having alone time to think about them and recharge.
- Lastly for now, if you host a party, please let there be a quiet space I can go hang out in if I need to. "Outside" suffices, and I usually do not get oversocialed such that I need this, but knowing that you have this sort of thing established makes me trust that you're an introvert-ally and that makes me more comfortable with you in general. Comfort is pretty useful.
YAY ALL THE WORDS OMG.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: There are exceptions to this. If you're Dating (And I mean capital letters and I call you boyfriend and you were one of the first four [REDACTED]s in this post) me is usually a pretty decent exception, though you still damn well better understand that I will kick your ass on the curb and make you entertain yourself if I am busy, at least for a little while. Veronica is also permitted to do this, if she finds herself inclined. My immediate family is theoretically allowed, but I reserve the right to be doing something they find scandalous when they show up.
Seriously though, if you want to visit me _let me know_. I cannot always drop pre-arranged plans just for you, no matter how lovely you are, and I won't always want to. If I know you're coming, I can make the plans around you.
2: The Jolly Fats Wehawkin Temp Agency! Nothing weird or secret ever happens here, nope, not ever, what other room?
Also, yes I spelled that right.
3: This is actually, you know, a pretty big "Sorcy is shutting down" warning sign in general. Specific ways to deal with it will be discussed in another section of this user manual, but the quick and dirty way to reboot a sorcyress involves leaving her alone with a source of VERY LOUD music. Yes, that includes her ipod and headphones.
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on 2011-09-25 05:36 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-09-27 05:23 pm (UTC)For myself and some of my friends, it can be a bit of both. Some depends on our physical status prior to the interaction (if you are already tired, more things suck energy out of you); some depends on the type of interaction (e.g. I can get energized in a group setting IF the activities are energizing to me); and a lot depends on the people involved (some people really suck all the energy out, some replenish in some situations, a couple replenish in many situations).