(no subject)

[sorcyress]

Looking for input:

1) Is there a good non-gendered, or gender-inclusive word that could provide about the same connotations as "gentleman"?

(A friend asked this on Flife, and it occurs to me that this would be a useful word for my life. Neither he nor I thinks "gentleperson" satisfies.)

2) So, a boy-shaped friend of mine asked recently if I had any suggestions for how to indicate "I am not a bad guy" when walking late at night near (specifically, but it could certainly be generalized) single¹ women. His biggest concern was what happens when he is walking at about the same pace as a woman, and behind her, such as to seem like he is following her (rather than both going in the same direction).

(Obviously walking the opposite direction from someone is easy to indicate "safe" --make eye contact, smile, maybe say "good evening" and keep walking.)

Oh, damn. Only now it occurs to me that I could've suggested he switch sides of the street, assuming the area is safe to do so. I mean...there's still the following problem, but especially if the woman is aware of you switching sides, there's an indication of giving space.

More suggestions?

~Sor
MOOP!

1: As in, "only one" not "unpartnered"

Comments

[bad-latin.livejournal.com]

#1 - do you mean in the sense of someone who is courteous, or well-mannered, or genteel? Or are top hats and tails involved?

#2 - a few options would either be: if walking close behind, speed up and pass, giving a "good evening, excuse me" when drawing near to telegraph proximity; or carry on a cell phone conversation, read a book while walking, or something similar that indicates his attention is elsewhere, i.e., not on her in any way that could be construed as anxiety-inducing.

[rm.livejournal.com]

1. No.

2. Stop in a store, stop and fidget with your phone. Orget on your phone so it's clear your interest is in something other than her. Or walk faster so that you wind up in front of her. "Hey really, I'm not creepy" usually seems like "protest too much" and crossing the street can seem too strategic.

[marcmagus]

2) I remember a good discussion about this somewhere, but I really don't remember where. :( Ideas I remember:

a) Crossing the street may help, but alone if done wrong can look like you're trying to follow them without being noticed. Same with slowing down to give space.

b) Speed up to pass the person (ideally crossing the street or otherwise giving space so it doesn't feel like you're speeding up to catch them). Now they don't have to worry about the man behind them.

c) From a "getting off the bus at the same stop" situation there was something great about telling the person what your planned route was and offering to go ahead of them or something like that. Sadly I don't remember the details, but it involved giving assurance that if you turned up the same side-street it was a coincidence.

Wish I'd bookmarked the discussion, and done so in a way I could find it again.

[mikaverleth.livejournal.com]

i don't know the answer to #1, but if you ever find an answer, could you let me know?

[lyrwen.livejournal.com]

1. Comrades!

2. I'd probably start texting, talking on my cellphone, or humming? I don't know if it'd work but it might give less of an impression of sneaking.

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

1. Mensch. Literally translated from yiddish it means "a person", the actual usage is "a fine, upstanding sort of person". Historically the usage been to mean "a male fine upstanding sort of person", but there's nothing whatsoever in the word itself that implies it.

2. To me what feels like a "safe" sequence is "do not solicit eye contact, but if it's made, smile, break eye-contact without lingering, and continue to mind your own business". "Engage in conversation and report your intended route" would be thought of as seriously strange/creepy.

Not walking at quite the same pace would obviously be a more straightforward option.

[dan4th.livejournal.com]

how to indicate "I am not a bad guy" when walking late at night near (specifically, but it could certainly be generalized) single1 women

Honestly, my immediate reaction was "if there was a secret non-creepy signal, all the creepy guys would know it." I don't think there is anything.

[l33tminion]

1. Within approximation: "Mensch" works. "Comrade", if you don't mind the political connotations. "Noble" could work, but that's more directly associated with aristocracy proper as opposed to general character and less frequently used as a noun.

rm's answer also rings true, though.

2. Honestly, I think the best advice is slow down or speed up. Crossing the street preemptively strikes me as a bit patronizing.

[lyrwen.livejournal.com]

Oh jee I dunno about Mensch (Mentsh). I always associate it with the concepts of ubermensch and especially untermensch, which gives me the screaming heebie jeebies. That might be just me though.

[woozle.livejournal.com]

1. A term often used in SF is "gentlebeing" -- not that this is a huge improvement over "gentleperson"; just another idea to toss into the bag.

2. Generally, position yourself in such a way that if you actually *were* an attacker, your victim would have advance warning that you were heading towards her. Duck into the street just a bit, for example. Focus your attention on other things so your "attention vector" doesn't go through her (a real attacker would be watching her for just the right moment to move), hesitate so you don't seem like you're about to do something (a real attacker would want to keep up momentum), aim yourself away from her so you'd have to turn in order to approach her, etc. Do whatever you can to increase the "warning margin".

I don't know how much any of these things actually help, but I think I've noticed mild "ok, I'm not alarmed now" vibes from individual women I've passed under these circumstances. I think. (This information is all somewhat dated, as the last time I was out walking after dark where there were other isolated people was probably Providence, 1989.)

[sparr0.livejournal.com]

2) Strike up a conversation? Sure, a stalker might do the same, but it will make you seem less creepy, and will be an explanation for you catching up with her. If she spurns the attempt, then you're already halfway to passing her.

[nurrynur.livejournal.com]

+1 mensch

+1 crossing the street, or speeding up to pass while saying excuse me, or stopping for a minute to poke phone to give her some distance

[tacnukesoul.livejournal.com]

1) "Gentles" works well in the SCA - "Good Gentles!" is often used as a replacement for "Ladies and Gentlemen!"

2) No good answer - closing to pass might be taken as an attack run while anything that could be considered making contact would be considered an uncalled for intrusion.

[dan4th.livejournal.com]

On a semi-related note: "Non-threatening" is my superpower. Most of the time I hate it as a superpower, but it is occasionally useful.

[media-junkie.livejournal.com]

Gentlefolk, or informal version - folks.

[joshuazelinsky.livejournal.com]

Another suggestion for 2- Be short. Being a short person does an amazing job at reducing discomfort in such situations. Unfortunately, most humans don't have much control of their height. So this might not be an option in practice.

[malakhgabriel.livejournal.com]

So it just struck me... "Gent" is a wonderful abbreviation that specifies no gender at all. It's obviously more informal, but in a good-natured sort of way.

Now I'm considering making a group for Gents of all genders on FetLife.