(no subject)

[sorcyress]

Looking for input:

1) Is there a good non-gendered, or gender-inclusive word that could provide about the same connotations as "gentleman"?

(A friend asked this on Flife, and it occurs to me that this would be a useful word for my life. Neither he nor I thinks "gentleperson" satisfies.)

2) So, a boy-shaped friend of mine asked recently if I had any suggestions for how to indicate "I am not a bad guy" when walking late at night near (specifically, but it could certainly be generalized) single¹ women. His biggest concern was what happens when he is walking at about the same pace as a woman, and behind her, such as to seem like he is following her (rather than both going in the same direction).

(Obviously walking the opposite direction from someone is easy to indicate "safe" --make eye contact, smile, maybe say "good evening" and keep walking.)

Oh, damn. Only now it occurs to me that I could've suggested he switch sides of the street, assuming the area is safe to do so. I mean...there's still the following problem, but especially if the woman is aware of you switching sides, there's an indication of giving space.

More suggestions?

~Sor
MOOP!

1: As in, "only one" not "unpartnered"

Comments

[dan4th.livejournal.com]

how to indicate "I am not a bad guy" when walking late at night near (specifically, but it could certainly be generalized) single1 women

Honestly, my immediate reaction was "if there was a secret non-creepy signal, all the creepy guys would know it." I don't think there is anything.

[ratatosk.livejournal.com]

if there was a secret non-creepy signal, all the creepy guys would know it.

Well, this assumes they would, in fact, be willing to give off the non-creepy signal. It's just as likely that they wouldn't genuinely care about being nice to other people, all the while thinking of themselves as a "nice guy" who didn't need to seem less creepy. They are also more likely to see politeness as a bunch of stuffy rules that don't apply to them, rather than a general principal of trying to be a part of the world and to grease the wheels of civilization. This is unfortunately part of why there are a lot of creepy geeks.


My personal vote is that the very act of trying to seem less dangerous perpetuates the notion that the world is a dangerous place, discouraging people from going out alone or at night, and in turn actually making the world more dangerous. I've never gotten the impression that women wanted people to act all weird around them, like they were delicate flowers who needed protecting.

Furthermore, acting weirdly to avoid looking weird makes it harder to recognize subtle cues that someone might genuinely be a threat -- it's better if everyone has some experience with what the world looks like when everyone is peacefully doing their own thing and nothing bad is happening. So I think the very best thing you can do is mind your own business and try not to second-guess what is best for other people.

The ordinary courtesies you would extend to all pedestrians should do -- don't crowd people or do sudden and unexpected things, apologize if you bump into them, don't deliberately follow someone around because you think they're cute. You do, in fact, have to extend those courtesies, but you should do so at all times, and not just when you are worried what other people might think of you. You do that because that's how civilization keeps going.

That said, you have to do those things with the knowledge that some people will be made uncomfortable by your presence near them, and kind of suck it up and deal on that count. Lots of things make lots of people uncomfortable.


Reasonable people might disagree with me on some of this. :)

[ratatosk.livejournal.com]

I guess (and I know this is cliched in our social circles), to put that last sentence another way, you should maintain a mental distinction between being a decent person and doing whatever it is you do to deal with your own discomfort with the idea that someone might see you as a potential threat.

[dan4th.livejournal.com]

I think I was aiming for some of this, except that I think that about 50% of the people worrying they're creepy arent' coming off as creepy at all, 40% may actually need refreshers on the general rules of society, and 10% are legitimately creepy and have creepy intentions that they want to mask.