A few notes on crushes

[sorcyress]

One of the ways that I can tell I'm really quite into someone new (or newish), for whatever degree of into that seems relevant, is by how paranoid I get that I am going to ruin everything.

It's almost a badge of honor. If I blush, bury my face in my hands, or curl up into a ball every time I realize I'm babbling, it's because I'm terrified of scaring you off, and think that hiding will work instead. If, post conversation, I shut out the rest of the world for five or ten minutes to float, that's certainly a good sign I'm into you. If instead of floating, I'm cursing myself for being such a vapid idiot around you, and chiding myself for ever believing that someone so excellent would be interested in little old *me* and how dare I waste your time, well, honestly, that's an even *better* sign.

And while I certainly do it *less* in stable relationships, I stick my tongue out in frustration at Kat, and hide my face when I realize I'm babbling to Marc, and fret that Brenton is merely putting up with me. Being paranoid I'm going to ruin everything is pretty much how I handle relationships --it's not exactly a good way of doing so, but I'm working on it. Mostly I'm working on shutting up and keeping the paranoia internal except when it gets really truly bad, so as to not be a nuisence.

But yes. In short, the more I like you, the more I become frustrated with myself over you. Reminds me of a phrase I had aaaaages ago to describe my feelings for a friend when I was mono with Blue --"love you, hate myself for it" relationship.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go bury my face several times over for managing to be such a flighty bimbo in that conversation I just had.

~Sor
MOOP!

Comments

[thorog.livejournal.com]

Gosh, is this about who I think it's about?

[thorog.livejournal.com]

(ETA: No, it's not. Sad Tho :P )

[sparr0.livejournal.com]

Since you're the second person I've ever seen use "ETA" like this, I had to look it up. Good to know.

[thorog.livejournal.com]

I could EBWOP if you'd like.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Man, you made me have to look *that* up.

~Sor

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

So, have you not noticed any of the times I've used ETA, or not looked it up?

(Or was I the first person you were referring to?)

~Sor

[sparr0.livejournal.com]

I think the regularity with which I refer to your LJ should give a good clue to the more likely of those two possibilities.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I don't know, you have other people you talk to! I have not trawled your friends list lately, maybe one of them was using it. So nyah.

~Sor

[siogai.livejournal.com]

Wait... you mean... that I act much the same around my crushes may be... almost normal?

I don't think I was prepared for that. *hides in a corner*

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

*laughs!!*

*hugs*

~Sor

[forexample.livejournal.com]

You and me both.

[emp42ress.livejournal.com]

I make a clear distinction between a crush and just being interested in someone. My definition of a crush is that it makes it harder to interact with the person, whereas interest usually makes it easier.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

That's a clever distinction! I may start trying to use that.

There is a reason why I regularly use the phrase "I have fallen in stupid with foo" instead of fallen in love.

~Sor

[mogwit.livejournal.com]

You do know I spent a large period of my life only able to have conversations with People Like That if they couldn't see my face, right (telephone, under a blanket, hiding in a sweater, etc.)?
And also that I can't make eye contact sometimes unless I'm covering my mouth, right?

You're not alone.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

That's a bit adorable.

Also, IM makes everything _so much easier, youhavenoidea (you probably do)_

~Sor

[tricia868]

Definitely an understandable way of handling crushes. I'm like that most of the time, although the crush sorts of feelings definitely increase the likelihood of me curling up in an embarrassed little ball with my knees tucked up to my chin. Several of my friends have taken to playfully embarrassing me until this happens, claiming that I'm even more adorable when I do that. I don't really mind the "Let's embarrass Tri!" game. I know they don't mean any harm by it, and attention's nice sometimes.

But yes. I spend lots of time hiding my face in my hands or behind my knees. I think I hid behind my Stitch plushie once too (hiding being the typical response to being told I'm cute), only to be told by Ian that doing so was not likely to make me any less adorable.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

The hiding from adorable embarrassment is a problem, and I've been known to do that sometimes too (although slightly less often)

~Sor

[tirerim.livejournal.com]

I don't get that much with crushes, but it's pretty bad in stable (or what passes for stable, anyway) relationships.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I don't get it as bad with stable relationships, but I still fall over myself apologizing for being babbly.

~Sor

[ncarraway.livejournal.com]

So ... this is unrelated to the journal entry itself, but I just have to reiterate my appreciation for the fact that your icon includes the Citgo sign.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

*laughs!*

Have I explained it to you before? I go to Lesley, which bought the Art Institute of Boston a bunch of years ago --an avatar drawing friend of mine went to AiB, and when he learned I was going to the affiliate, he drew me that.

Someday I will go out to Fenway properly dressed, and see if I can manage a picture of me in the same pose in front of the real Citgo sign.

~Sor

[sparr0.livejournal.com]

I need to start writing down the "Sor shows me Boston" to-do list...

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

What the hell, why do I not have a "Things to do with Sparr" list on my computer? That seems like the sort of madness that should be rectified.

(Also on my list, I want to drag you to the Kendall t-stop and go play with the chimes, because I think they're quite neat, and I don't get out there that often. Also, science center, of bloody course, and the Randall Munroe Sweet Ass-Playground)

~Sor

[http://users.livejournal.com/_meej_/]

Are you sure the hyphen's in the right place there, Sor? :-)

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Yes I am

~Sor

[http://users.livejournal.com/_meej_/]

Ha! I'd forgotten that one. :-)
Excellent.

[paradoox.livejournal.com]

If you figure out how to deal with this (and change the behavior) you might be able to bottle it, or write a book, or something.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

*laughs!* I'll do my best. I would make a killing at cons, I suspect.

~Sor

[madbodger.livejournal.com]

That is why