A few notes on crushes
Feb. 26th, 2010 11:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressOne of the ways that I can tell I'm really quite into someone new (or newish), for whatever degree of into that seems relevant, is by how paranoid I get that I am going to ruin everything.
It's almost a badge of honor. If I blush, bury my face in my hands, or curl up into a ball every time I realize I'm babbling, it's because I'm terrified of scaring you off, and think that hiding will work instead. If, post conversation, I shut out the rest of the world for five or ten minutes to float, that's certainly a good sign I'm into you. If instead of floating, I'm cursing myself for being such a vapid idiot around you, and chiding myself for ever believing that someone so excellent would be interested in little old *me* and how dare I waste your time, well, honestly, that's an even *better* sign.
And while I certainly do it *less* in stable relationships, I stick my tongue out in frustration at Kat, and hide my face when I realize I'm babbling to Marc, and fret that Brenton is merely putting up with me. Being paranoid I'm going to ruin everything is pretty much how I handle relationships --it's not exactly a good way of doing so, but I'm working on it. Mostly I'm working on shutting up and keeping the paranoia internal except when it gets really truly bad, so as to not be a nuisence.
But yes. In short, the more I like you, the more I become frustrated with myself over you. Reminds me of a phrase I had aaaaages ago to describe my feelings for a friend when I was mono with Blue --"love you, hate myself for it" relationship.
And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go bury my face several times over for managing to be such a flighty bimbo in that conversation I just had.
~Sor
MOOP!
It's almost a badge of honor. If I blush, bury my face in my hands, or curl up into a ball every time I realize I'm babbling, it's because I'm terrified of scaring you off, and think that hiding will work instead. If, post conversation, I shut out the rest of the world for five or ten minutes to float, that's certainly a good sign I'm into you. If instead of floating, I'm cursing myself for being such a vapid idiot around you, and chiding myself for ever believing that someone so excellent would be interested in little old *me* and how dare I waste your time, well, honestly, that's an even *better* sign.
And while I certainly do it *less* in stable relationships, I stick my tongue out in frustration at Kat, and hide my face when I realize I'm babbling to Marc, and fret that Brenton is merely putting up with me. Being paranoid I'm going to ruin everything is pretty much how I handle relationships --it's not exactly a good way of doing so, but I'm working on it. Mostly I'm working on shutting up and keeping the paranoia internal except when it gets really truly bad, so as to not be a nuisence.
But yes. In short, the more I like you, the more I become frustrated with myself over you. Reminds me of a phrase I had aaaaages ago to describe my feelings for a friend when I was mono with Blue --"love you, hate myself for it" relationship.
And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go bury my face several times over for managing to be such a flighty bimbo in that conversation I just had.
~Sor
MOOP!
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no subject
on 2010-02-28 05:44 am (UTC)no subject
on 2010-03-01 01:51 pm (UTC)Have I explained it to you before? I go to Lesley, which bought the Art Institute of Boston a bunch of years ago --an avatar drawing friend of mine went to AiB, and when he learned I was going to the affiliate, he drew me that.
Someday I will go out to Fenway properly dressed, and see if I can manage a picture of me in the same pose in front of the real Citgo sign.
~Sor
no subject
on 2010-03-01 03:54 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2010-03-01 05:30 pm (UTC)(Also on my list, I want to drag you to the Kendall t-stop and go play with the chimes, because I think they're quite neat, and I don't get out there that often. Also, science center, of bloody course, and the Randall Munroe Sweet Ass-Playground)
~Sor
no subject
on 2010-03-01 09:06 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2010-03-01 10:16 pm (UTC)~Sor
no subject
on 2010-03-01 10:20 pm (UTC)Excellent.