A few notes on crushes

[sorcyress]

One of the ways that I can tell I'm really quite into someone new (or newish), for whatever degree of into that seems relevant, is by how paranoid I get that I am going to ruin everything.

It's almost a badge of honor. If I blush, bury my face in my hands, or curl up into a ball every time I realize I'm babbling, it's because I'm terrified of scaring you off, and think that hiding will work instead. If, post conversation, I shut out the rest of the world for five or ten minutes to float, that's certainly a good sign I'm into you. If instead of floating, I'm cursing myself for being such a vapid idiot around you, and chiding myself for ever believing that someone so excellent would be interested in little old *me* and how dare I waste your time, well, honestly, that's an even *better* sign.

And while I certainly do it *less* in stable relationships, I stick my tongue out in frustration at Kat, and hide my face when I realize I'm babbling to Marc, and fret that Brenton is merely putting up with me. Being paranoid I'm going to ruin everything is pretty much how I handle relationships --it's not exactly a good way of doing so, but I'm working on it. Mostly I'm working on shutting up and keeping the paranoia internal except when it gets really truly bad, so as to not be a nuisence.

But yes. In short, the more I like you, the more I become frustrated with myself over you. Reminds me of a phrase I had aaaaages ago to describe my feelings for a friend when I was mono with Blue --"love you, hate myself for it" relationship.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go bury my face several times over for managing to be such a flighty bimbo in that conversation I just had.

~Sor
MOOP!

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