Ampersands and Trust

[sorcyress]

I don't want to live my life
On one side of an ampersand¹
Even if I went with you
I'm not the girl you think I am
And I don't want to match you
'Cause I'll lose my voice completely

(Ampersand, Amanda Palmer. There's a little bit more to the chorus, but it's not important to the way I interpret the lyrics. Me, interpreting things, it's enough to make a cat laugh.)

To me, ever since the first time I really Heard the lyrics, actually Listened to them, instead of just letting the music wash over me as I am so wont to do, I realized that Amanda was talking about something that terrifies me. On one side of an ampersand? She (I) doesn't want to be part of a pair, oh look, there is AmandaandBrian, KatandAnyone. No. Just please, no.

And my fear terrifies me.

I've been alluding to this, bits and pieces and slipped words. A sentence here and there, nothing anyone would notice, not without being able to see the big picture. And the brilliant part of talking to you and you and you is that no one besides me ever gets to see the big picture.

Call it want of freedom, call it my own asexuality (which was never asexual somuch as aromantic, I realise) call it fear of intimacy, call it all or none of the above, it's still there. I'm beginning to get to an age where I can get into relationships that last forever, last the rest of my life, last until marriage and beyond, and dear gods.

Dear gods, I'm petrified.

This...These feelings, the way I love people now means I don't want to lose them. I've been able to enter every relationship safe in the knowledge that it was going to end. High school relationships don't last, silly, people are too different. Hell, the fact that Blue and I made it almost a full year is inherently boggling, a year long relationship? At fifteen, sixteen? We were freaks.

I don't have that safety anymore. I can't rest easy in the knowledge that it will, eventually, end.

Oh, of course it still will. I don't fool myself, my prediliction for older men² means I tend very towards people who're at enough of a different place from me that eventually we will fragment, and that's okay. I'm alright with losing love (though I never want to lose friendship). But sometimes...I fool myself. Or my mind fools itself. And I realize that I don't want it to end, not ever.

And ye gods, with that realization...I want to run.

I want to run and run and run and hide and be all by myself for a long long while and that's terrible. It's escapism of the worst sort, it's shutting myself off because I just can't accept the idea that maybe it's okay to have someone else there to support you. Because maybe I don't have to go through all of life alone. Because maybe I'm not the only one who can take care of me.

Because maybe being independent is lonely, and maybe being as truly free as I feel I want involves building walls so thick and high that I'll never be able to see the world through them. And I do like the world.

Growing up is scary, but why does it seem so much safer if I could just manage to do it alone.

I...I guess all I'm trying to say is that my therapist was right (damn her) and I think I'm scared of intimacy. I already knew I was scared of opening up, for reasons I've never been able to grasp. I'm scared of perfection for reasons half rational (as hard as I try to achieve it). I never realized that I was scared of safety.

If I flirt with everyone, smile and flounce, keep myself from never falling in love, then no one can ever care about me, and I'll never care about them. All hearts will be safe, unbroken. If I need to bury my face in a shoulder, I just have to turn to the nearest Toy, held fast in walls spun of quick-witted bullshit, rapidfire excuses for the tears on my face, my Need for arms around me.

And I'm sure that would work much better if I never slipped. Heels are pretty, sure, but I still trip, and tumble heart over head into love. And being in love means I have to care, have to be intimate, have to actually let myself open and be honest --I'm terrible at being honest, not in a way that causes me to lie, but in the actual speach, actually getting myself to the point where I can say the words that I need to sometimes. I'm getting better --I've been getting better for most of the last year, learning how to say I need help, say what's going through my mind.

I think I've been falling in Love. Not just loving people, I'm good at that, used to that. Ever since I first managed to tell Veronica that I loved her (not in any weird way, just as a friend, do you understand?) so very long ago (when such words were not to be spoken) not a day has gone by where the phrase hasn't passed my lips. But being in love? That's a lot harder. A *lot* harder, and it keeps happening, once, twice, thr...

I don't know what I'm going to do about this. At the very least, oh, does it feel good to write. I half whispered earlier, tears carefully hid from my eyes "I don't have a home" but I *do*, I so very do. My home has always been my words, given a blank page and a nudge in the right direction, I can weave myself a safety so strong I can almost feel the phantom arms protecting me.

I suppose what I'm going to do is let myself be open. Force myself from running. Maybe sometime I'll find myself on one side of that ampersand, and maybe I won't mind it so much.

I think it's time to face fears. To figure out why they are, and let myself defeat them. Let myself be serious, for once in my life, because for once in my life, I have found something worth being serious about.

Let myself fall in love. One, two, not quite three times, and see what it's like not being totally alone. Contemplate marriage, a mortgage, and a wall that does not encompass me alone.

We'll see.

&Sor
MOOP!

1: Though, to paraphrase Magus, it would not be terrible to live life on one side of an incubus/succubus. [/obscure Nethack joke]
2: And my beautiful younger woman exception is a whole different sort of case, and one I don't wish to discuss here.

Comments

[harena.livejournal.com]

My head fills with words but i doubt i'll be able to get many of them out.. mainly because of a sinking feeling of inadequacy of the way you will view them & me...

But the first thing that pops into my head is the fascinating way i'm completely opposite to that.. i fear being alone.. i fear not being in love.. the only fear i have of being in love is getting abused again because i love so helplessly & completely that i never see it coming when the blows strike...

And And And.. i just.. want to connect with you & tell you ... Stuff! *flails* this word thing is not working. Augh.

But i guess the last thing you need in here is an angsty whiny emo comment for your post when all i am trying to do is be supportive but maybe you do not want that from me either...

Soyar. Growing up is a pain. i have absolutely no intentions of ever doing so myself. *nods*

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Har! breathe.

I like comments. I like people. I love and am endlessly fascinated by the Way People Work, and that will never change no matter how *vague hand motions* I get. You are to write as much as you want to me, if it'll make you better able to do it, I'll *order* you to write as much as you want, need to me.

I do think it's fascinating we are so opposite. I've long since noticed that I oft run counter to the world, you are only proof.

~Sor

*hugs and loves*

[drama-angel3189.livejournal.com]

I love you and I just feel that you need someone to tell you that everyday, cause you are just that awesome. And it is hard to face rejection when realtionships are the easiest was to get hurt. If you ever need anything, and I mean anything. I will always, ALWAYS be there for you.

Re: *hugs and loves*

[harena.livejournal.com]

Yeah. i totally Agree.

*hgugles*

Re: *hugs and loves*

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

*blushies and smiles*

Veronica, I love you to bits and pieces. And I know you will be there, are there for me. I can only hope I can do the same for you, because you are totally more awesome than me, and I will love you more than you can ever know.

*hugstight*

~Sor

[marmota.livejournal.com]

Phbbbt. I'm not a toy, not looking for anything from you, don't even know you all that well yet, but already care about you anyway. So there. And I'm certain I'm far from the only one. They're valid fears, but still fears to overcome, and whatever the right answers might be (I don't know them either, and they vary from person to person anyway), I'm pretty sure pushing people away isn't one of them.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

*smiles shakily* And that's the problem, I think --I admit, I was less than perfectly clear with this post, but part of the thing for me is the fact that you people *do* care, and if you care, I can't run away from you, not without hurting you.

And I do so hate hurting people.

Your words are beautiful though, and I appreciate them. I will try not to push people away.

~Sor

[marcmagus]

Well, that explains that catch in your voice Monday night...

I've always been terrified of the ampersand. I still am. Heck, I've had some unpleasant experiences due to it. But in thinking about how to respond to this, I had a thought which is relevant to me, and might be to you, too. There are three people who might start thinking of you as "Kat & <foo>". You, <foo>, and other people. Which one do you care about/which one are you worried about? (There are good reasons for all three.) If it's entirely external, yes, it affects how people interact with you, but is it important to be afraid of it/fight it, or is it sufficient to speak up when people take the actions as a result of the way they're thinking which make you uncomfortable? Yourself, you can somewhat control, and your partner, you can talk to more deeply about exactly what it is you're afraid of and how to keep it from happening.

Also, you're not terrible at being honest. You find it difficult. There's a difference.

I don't want it to end. It might, or it might radically change, and that's ok. But it might not, and that's scary, but it's ok too. And I'd prefer the positive-and-ok to the negative-but-ok. I think sometimes about how it will work if it doesn't (end).

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

:| I totally do not remember which catch this was, mostly because my paying attention abilities are shot all to hell during Important Things. Tell me later?

You...have a very good point regarding who it really matters to. Huh. I'll have to think on that one.

Saying I find honesty difficult is somewhat closer to the actual thing, but still sounds like I lie too much, which is not true. Dunno.

Small text is small. Private conversation warrents a private forum, yah?

~Sor

Sharing the inner Kat

[dhs.livejournal.com]

Wow.

You share such intimate parts of yourself with us. I'm just shy (too secretive?) to do that, but it would be really nice to be able to. I'm in awe of that ability.

Oh, and thank you for letting us/me in to see this inner you.

*hug*

Re: Sharing the inner Kat

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well, note that it's all in text. I couldn't say all this vocally, no matter how hard I tried.

I'm getting better at letting the walls down. Just takes practise and trust.

~Sor

[benet.livejournal.com]

I'm kind of the opposite, too; I've always wanted to be in love, always wanted to be part of "Benet & ". In fact, I guess I'm greedy enough to want to be an operand of multiple ampersands, which raises some interesting issues just for typography. Hence resorting to graph theory. :)

On the other hand..
I'm alright with losing love (though I never want to lose friendship).

Oh, man. It was only this year that I really managed to thoroughly break a promising new friendship by pursuing a romantic relationship. Slowly I'm putting it back together, with a lot of false starts, but it may not be the same thing it would have been, had I kept my feelings to myself. And yet, short-lived though it was, I'd have missed some amazing things. Hard to say what I should have done. But having the connection drop to nearly nothing is way, way worse than going back to Just Friends would have been.

Erm, which might be kind of orthogonal to your point, beyond being an "I hear you, this is what it relates to in my experience".

And I care about you, also, though of course we are still in reasonably early stages of getting to know one another.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

*chuckles* It does relate, and I wish you the best with that one.

I've noticed that I tend to run counter to a LOT of the world in a LOT of ways --and not just the ways that most of the fandom run counter to the mundanes, I occasionally find myself running counter to other fen. This is just one of those, I think.

Hee, I like your typography comment.

~Sor

[mrs-pansy.livejournal.com]

I don't really know what to say except that I both envy you your journey and am crossing my fingers and toes that you are able to navigate past the minefields ahead. I imagine that if I had it to do all over again I would make the exact same number of mistakes and learn all those important lessons the only way they can be learned--the hard way.

You have a good head on your shoulders, a blank page in front of you, and a pen in your hand. It's going to hurt like hell, but you're going to be fine.

Zsu

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Heh. Can't that be said of all of life? I'll try to avoid the mines, I promise.

It's going to hurt like hell, but you're going to be fine

That is a Damn Good Line. I'm putting it in the quote file.

~Sor

[tolkienkookad.livejournal.com]

Well.

I love you.

And I wish I could hug you.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I love you too. And I'd like that, kiddo.

~Sor

[erikakaiser.livejournal.com]

I fail to see how you can call yourself asexual and polyamorous at the same time.

[artemisfowl2nd.livejournal.com]

Because love isn't about sex.

Well, just about sex.

[artemisfowl2nd.livejournal.com]

I think I relate -- although it's not the & that bothers me, it's permanence that freaks me out.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

*pets*

Permanence in general scares me, for all that the opposite scares me more. I think it's just that I'm scared of stagnating.

~Sor

[macaroniandtuna.livejournal.com]

I can't rest easy in the knowledge that it will, eventually, end.
How very Dubby of you. :P EDIT: On second thought, perhaps it's exactly anti-Dubby. I'm not sure.

Ahh, but being scared of safety is entirely rational, because we know that nothing lasts forever and there's always the chance, however small, that the provider of said safety will leave in one way or another, or you'll leave in one way or another, and losing the feeling of safety might be worse than not having it at all.

Icon for djoo.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Thank you for icon. It is very sweet of you.

I can't really tell whether it's Dubby or anti-Dubby either. It weirds me out, man.

Yeah. *hugs?*

~Sor

[tirerim.livejournal.com]

I have fears, too. I'm not good at talking about them in public, though, so ask me sometime? In text or in person.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

*salutes*

I will do my best to do this. Remind me? *grins*

~Sor

[dodger77.livejournal.com]

Very intriguing post. =) We all have our own unique defense mechanisms. It sort of gives me an idea for a post of my own.

(not in any weird way, just as a friend, do you understand?)
I think maybe the word you're looking for is platonic love (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/platonic%20love)

Growing up is scary
Agreed. That's why I'm trying my best not to. Although I suspect your version of growing up differs from mine. That may have to be another post of mine.

Ok. That's enough blathering out of me. (For now)

POOF!
*Returns to Relative Obscurity*

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Re: Platonic love --oh yes, I quite know that now. I was referring to a time when I didn't, really, and had to justify my love to my best friend.

I want to see this post on growing up.

Never! I love blather.

~Sor

[swingerzetta.livejournal.com]

It's interesting to see you thinking about things I subconsciously refuse to think about, but for entirely different reasons.

There are things I want to say, but I'm not quite sure what they are. let me skim the surface a bit.

I'm reminded of my previous roommate, a girl who had the most beautiful walls you've ever seen. They worked well, they never faltered, and the only reason you could tell they were walls is because sometimes they just didn't make sense. You know in a video game when you hit an invisible wall? The only way you know it's there is because movement isn't happening like you'd expect.

Living with her for 3 years, and seeing her go through some of the biggest changes in her life, I got to know those walls, the reasoning, the feelings they reflected, where they came from and why... I wonder, though, if I ever met the real girl. that leads me to wonder if anyone ever really meets anyone. I am not even sure I know what that would be like.
And to return to your topics, maybe that's part of the In Love thing people talk about. I know part of it is Complete Acceptance of the other person (which I think is the bit that some of those non-believers up there haven't heard... it's not about warping perspective, it's about accepting)

And I must say, meeting people from the internet has shown me how hard it is to know someone and be known. It's marvelous, but, the internet is almost like a metafore for interactions. I see their text, their speach mannerisms, their wit, but I don't hear their voice inflections or accents, I don't get to see the typoes that they backspace or the things they say and then regret.

So when I'm talking to them in person, it's a step closer, but I'm betting there's another step to take.

knowwha'msay'n?

As for the bulk of your post, love and relationships, I am somewhat regretfully without anything to say, really. I feel uninformed on the subject, which is the unthought content mentioned at the beginning of this comment. So, that is all.

Enjoy your day. And the next one. Just because I said so.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Walls...walls are a scary fucking part of me. I'm not always happy about them, and wish I was better at seeing them on other people.

that leads me to wonder if anyone ever really meets anyone.

Jesus christ, this is a depressing and beautiful line. And no. I don't think we do. There are people who've seen a lot of who I am at any given instant in time, and even a few who've seen a lot of who I am over a few months, years. But no one who I could say with confidence has really met what is truly me. And I don't know that I can say I've truly met anyone. There are masks that are good to keep, after all, as well. Even if you love someone, you cannot help but be annoyed by them once in a while.

You've reminded me of another quote, from Something*Positive: "Could you imagine how horrible things would be if we always told others how we felt? Life would be intolerably bearable."

I bet there's another step to take, too, but I'm not positive I know what it is.

*pets* It's okay to be uninformed. Your comment was plenty interesting.

And I am pretty sure I did enjoy my next few days, thank you.

~Sor

[herbertinc.livejournal.com]

::hug:: because you always deserve one.

We all have fears. Fear of being alone, fear of being together. I'm afraid that I'll never find permanence because I am too difficult a person to deal with for any extent of time. I'm still sort of scared of the idea of permanence itself, even. Stagnation scares me, but the thought of not being alone, being emotionally, spiritually (and physically) homeless scares me more. I'm scared to be trusted because I'm afraid I will fail those who trust me. I was scared to learn that my boy wanted to be with others; not because he loved me any less, not because I wasn't "enough", though those thoughts certainly dwelled in my mind, but while I knew it conceptually, it has been difficult accepting it in reality (though I think I have been doing well there). I'm afraid of getting stuck in trying to conform to expectations, any of the masks that I wore/wear to keep my (easily assailed - I'm not good at defenses) walls invisible, so that eventually I'd lose any ability to be myself. I'm also afraid of not living up to my and other's expectations, most of which are in my head, I admit.

Some of my fears are more instinctual: fear of dogs, fear of dark, lonely spaces. When I was younger I was afraid of basements and tunnels. These fears I do not think I will ever get over entirely, because they are too base, too ingrained, though I force myself to deal with them when I need. However, those of the paragraph above? Those are fears that only humans are complex enough to be cursed with (I think; I can't say for certain, but I certainly wouldn't wish them on another species), but they can be dealt with, because we're strong, (and you are a very strong person if I ever saw one) and because we are not alone. We need each other, not just one person, or just S.O.s, but parents, friends, teachers, mentors, the guy on the street who holds the door for you with a smile, the homeless person you give your leftovers too. We need and want to be needed. Life is too short, too confusing, too hard to go it on your own. Life is not a test.

Thinking about relationships over the past month, I came up with my working idea of what I think a perfect relationship for me could be. Rather, having someone to come home to each night (emotionally especially, but preferably literally too), but at the same time not being afraid to wander in the day (day and night are not to be taken literally also) because you're confident in your love for the person waiting for you at home and confident in their love for you. Though I fear if finding that, especially such confidence, is even possible, for someone as insecure as me.

Okay, all this emoting is giving me a headache; we'll talk later, okay?

Also: I had a dream about you last night. Remind me and I'll tell you about it.

Much love,
Herbert.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

*hugsback*
*hugstight*

The being able to come home to someone at night is a common thread in the way that I view love and life and poly. Part of the reason I think I'm able to deal with poly so well is because, with both my SOs, even if they spend time with other people, I know that eventually, they will return to sleeping with me.

Love back!
~Sor

[ladymondegreen.livejournal.com]

*comes and snuggles you to help you sort out doubt*

For me, it's not about fear of an ampersand, but a fear of lack of ampersands. I have a lot of them, and I try to keep them from conflicting with each other.

Every friendship I have is an ampersand of some sort. Romantic relationships too. If someone sees me coming with my best friend they say 'oh, it's ladymondegreen and angelrenaissanc' and I like that. Partially, I think because I don't get anything like as much time with any one person who matters to me as I should. Perhaps that's why I've learned to relish and enjoy being conjoined -- in punctuation at least -- with my friends and lovers, because I know it can't last, even though I want it to. Time and geography are the great dividers for me.

I hope you don't mind if, in our few hours together every few months, someone ampersands us.

Love,
LMG

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Mm, thank you. Snuggles are always a satisfactory way of dealing with doubt.

I don't think I really thought about the prospect of friendships as ampersands, but it feels completely different and almost a bit like an honoriffic. "Oh look, it's Kat and Veronica, Sor and Katters" It feels Right. Special, maybe?

Time and geography are the great dividers for all of us, mayhaps. Money tends to screw me over a lot, too.

I...I don't think I would mind. You're quite a wonderful person, madame. I'm glad I've met you.

~Sor

stuffffffff

[woozle.livejournal.com]

Wow. This post sends my head off in a dozen different directions; I'll try to stick to the most important ones. (And I hope I've correctly understood the gist of the dilemma (dilemmae?) you face...) [ In retrospect, as I edit and re-edit, I realize that I've gradually homed in on what I think you're talking about... but bits of this were written when I was still hunting around trying to figure out what that was. So it will probably seem a bit uneven, but those bits seem too important to not say. ]

(And it turns out that this is over 4300 characters, so I'm gonna post the rest of it separately, as a reply to myself, and hope that it is small enough...)

Re: stuffffffff, part 2

[woozle.livejournal.com]

First of all... (I think you must have read this (http://wiki.hypertwins.org/The_Hyperfamily_Idea) (I have vague memories that we've even talked about it a little), but just in case you haven't...) in light of what you've said here, I would probably want to make sure there was something in there about different levels of permanence -- that some family members could be more year-round residents, others could be part-time, and some would be like visiting best friends. I think I alluded to that, but I don't remember what I said. When I originally wrote it, there was a particular friend I had in mind who would probably have spend most of her time separate from the group, and I felt it important to make sure she felt safe-and-wanted even under those circumstances.

Second... it sounds a little like you're assuming that what you want from a relationship is somehow unfair to ask. For example, it sounds like you would like to have the freedom to disappear for long stretches of time, but also to have the security of knowing that your family will always be there when you're ready to come back. Perhaps there are other things you would like, but are thinking you couldn't reasonably ask.

It might be helpful to make a list of these things. Don't worry if they're fair or not; fairness comes in working out what compromises you're willing to deal with in order to get what you want. Just wanting something isn't a crime, and it's very important to know what you want -- to be aware of it consciously, so that it doesn't try to manipulate you below your conscious radar.

And maybe they're not as unreasonable as you think.

Note: it's much easier to deal with someone running away, from time to time, if one understands the probable reasons -- or maybe I mean "understands what the reasons probably aren't". When Jenny would "run away" (e.g. disappearing over lunch when I was looking forward to a nice long conversation), I tended to assume it was something I had done, which of course I had to find her and fix. In a sense, sometimes it was -- demanding too much attention from her -- but it wasn't always, and my assumptions only made the matter worse. If I had understood from the beginning that this was just part of her nature, I could have dealt with it better (leaving aside my general screwedupness at the time).

Third: if you don't feel like you want to be a non-detachable fixture, then maybe that's not what you need to be. Whatever you do end up belonging to, you shouldn't have to chop off a part of yourself in order to fit into it. Be who you are to the fullest extent -- that's what I care about.

My personal experience has been that it's much better to work out what you want and design a relationship around that than it is to try out other people's pre-packaged ideas of what relationships should be, and hope that they're close enough.

Another thing which seems to be true is that you shouldn't necessarily leave a relationship (or start one) just because that's where the Story seems to be going -- because that's what would happen next if it were a movie. I think that idea played a significant part in my thinking on at least two occasions, and it really shouldn't have. (If we're being written, somehow, it would be annoying if the plot were so predictable.) Hopefully you're not falling for that sort of thinking. The question should always be, what do you want? (...which can include someone else's happiness -- but if it doesn't, then I don't really see any virtue in pretending it does. Be what you're like, be like yourself...)

"Being scared of intimacy" strikes me as too simplistic of an explanation -- a little like "Story" thinking. Maybe it's right, but picture me eyeballing it suspiciously... Intimacy itself isn't scary, I shouldn't think, but maybe something about it is. Being thoroughly examined, and possibly found wanting? Not being able to escape from someone else's disagreement by just walking away? Something. Try to figure out what it is. (Maybe more than one thing.)

Avoid the mortgage, though. I have a whole bunch of related thoughts on that, but it's another kettle of worms entirely... Bring it up if you want more rambling ;-)

[londo.livejournal.com]

Speaking as someone who is realizing just how much ampersand he's actually shedded recently...


...this was really interesting.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I'm glad! My livejournal is a lot of things, and I worry that interesting does not appear on the list often enough.

~Sor

[shield-toad111.livejournal.com]

I've never been afraid of the ampersand; I commit to people. When I fall in love, it's usually after a period of friendship, so I already know them and trust them and am comfortable sharing things with them. And from the moment that I fall in love, I'm pretty much fiercely loyal. And if we grow apart (most notably in the case of my high school boyfriend who I dated for about 6 years), I still care about them and enjoy spending time with them. Also, this past week I've been realizing more than ever how much I want a person to come home to after a long day.

There's also the fact that I've always wanted to settle down in a house¹ with a lawn and lots of pets and 2.3 children. And I have the skills to be the perfect housewife. My problem will be more of balancing everything I want to do than anything else.

But back to the ampersand. I do make a distinct difference between z & w and zandw. When you remove the spaces, it starts to get a bit weird. When you remove the and (zw), then it gets worrisome/frightening, like a couple I knew in college.

1 - That house will be fabulous, by the way. Gourmet kitchen, ballrooms², library. Well, the dancing ballroom may be in a coachhouse that has a small kitchen and changing rooms to the side so that I don't have to deal with the large space in my house when I'm not holding a ball. But yeah. It will be a fabulous house, if I ever get to design/build it. And that ex-boyfriend of mine will come in handy, since he's in architecture.

2 - which I've wanted years before the xkcd comic

[shield-toad111.livejournal.com]

One other thing I forgot to mention - I've never gone into a relationship assuming that it will end, because that has always struck me as illogical.