First of all... (I think you must have read this (http://wiki.hypertwins.org/The_Hyperfamily_Idea) (I have vague memories that we've even talked about it a little), but just in case you haven't...) in light of what you've said here, I would probably want to make sure there was something in there about different levels of permanence -- that some family members could be more year-round residents, others could be part-time, and some would be like visiting best friends. I think I alluded to that, but I don't remember what I said. When I originally wrote it, there was a particular friend I had in mind who would probably have spend most of her time separate from the group, and I felt it important to make sure she felt safe-and-wanted even under those circumstances.
Second... it sounds a little like you're assuming that what you want from a relationship is somehow unfair to ask. For example, it sounds like you would like to have the freedom to disappear for long stretches of time, but also to have the security of knowing that your family will always be there when you're ready to come back. Perhaps there are other things you would like, but are thinking you couldn't reasonably ask.
It might be helpful to make a list of these things. Don't worry if they're fair or not; fairness comes in working out what compromises you're willing to deal with in order to get what you want. Just wanting something isn't a crime, and it's very important to know what you want -- to be aware of it consciously, so that it doesn't try to manipulate you below your conscious radar.
And maybe they're not as unreasonable as you think.
Note: it's much easier to deal with someone running away, from time to time, if one understands the probable reasons -- or maybe I mean "understands what the reasons probably aren't". When Jenny would "run away" (e.g. disappearing over lunch when I was looking forward to a nice long conversation), I tended to assume it was something I had done, which of course I had to find her and fix. In a sense, sometimes it was -- demanding too much attention from her -- but it wasn't always, and my assumptions only made the matter worse. If I had understood from the beginning that this was just part of her nature, I could have dealt with it better (leaving aside my general screwedupness at the time).
Third: if you don't feel like you want to be a non-detachable fixture, then maybe that's not what you need to be. Whatever you do end up belonging to, you shouldn't have to chop off a part of yourself in order to fit into it. Be who you are to the fullest extent -- that's what I care about.
My personal experience has been that it's much better to work out what you want and design a relationship around that than it is to try out other people's pre-packaged ideas of what relationships should be, and hope that they're close enough.
Another thing which seems to be true is that you shouldn't necessarily leave a relationship (or start one) just because that's where the Story seems to be going -- because that's what would happen next if it were a movie. I think that idea played a significant part in my thinking on at least two occasions, and it really shouldn't have. (If we're being written, somehow, it would be annoying if the plot were so predictable.) Hopefully you're not falling for that sort of thinking. The question should always be, what do you want? (...which can include someone else's happiness -- but if it doesn't, then I don't really see any virtue in pretending it does. Be what you're like, be like yourself...)
"Being scared of intimacy" strikes me as too simplistic of an explanation -- a little like "Story" thinking. Maybe it's right, but picture me eyeballing it suspiciously... Intimacy itself isn't scary, I shouldn't think, but maybe something about it is. Being thoroughly examined, and possibly found wanting? Not being able to escape from someone else's disagreement by just walking away? Something. Try to figure out what it is. (Maybe more than one thing.)
Avoid the mortgage, though. I have a whole bunch of related thoughts on that, but it's another kettle of worms entirely... Bring it up if you want more rambling ;-)
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ninetydegrees
Re: stuffffffff, part 2
on 2009-01-23 08:06 pm (UTC)First of all... (I think you must have read this (http://wiki.hypertwins.org/The_Hyperfamily_Idea) (I have vague memories that we've even talked about it a little), but just in case you haven't...) in light of what you've said here, I would probably want to make sure there was something in there about different levels of permanence -- that some family members could be more year-round residents, others could be part-time, and some would be like visiting best friends. I think I alluded to that, but I don't remember what I said. When I originally wrote it, there was a particular friend I had in mind who would probably have spend most of her time separate from the group, and I felt it important to make sure she felt safe-and-wanted even under those circumstances.
Second... it sounds a little like you're assuming that what you want from a relationship is somehow unfair to ask. For example, it sounds like you would like to have the freedom to disappear for long stretches of time, but also to have the security of knowing that your family will always be there when you're ready to come back. Perhaps there are other things you would like, but are thinking you couldn't reasonably ask.
It might be helpful to make a list of these things. Don't worry if they're fair or not; fairness comes in working out what compromises you're willing to deal with in order to get what you want. Just wanting something isn't a crime, and it's very important to know what you want -- to be aware of it consciously, so that it doesn't try to manipulate you below your conscious radar.
And maybe they're not as unreasonable as you think.
Note: it's much easier to deal with someone running away, from time to time, if one understands the probable reasons -- or maybe I mean "understands what the reasons probably aren't". When Jenny would "run away" (e.g. disappearing over lunch when I was looking forward to a nice long conversation), I tended to assume it was something I had done, which of course I had to find her and fix. In a sense, sometimes it was -- demanding too much attention from her -- but it wasn't always, and my assumptions only made the matter worse. If I had understood from the beginning that this was just part of her nature, I could have dealt with it better (leaving aside my general screwedupness at the time).
Third: if you don't feel like you want to be a non-detachable fixture, then maybe that's not what you need to be. Whatever you do end up belonging to, you shouldn't have to chop off a part of yourself in order to fit into it. Be who you are to the fullest extent -- that's what I care about.
My personal experience has been that it's much better to work out what you want and design a relationship around that than it is to try out other people's pre-packaged ideas of what relationships should be, and hope that they're close enough.
Another thing which seems to be true is that you shouldn't necessarily leave a relationship (or start one) just because that's where the Story seems to be going -- because that's what would happen next if it were a movie. I think that idea played a significant part in my thinking on at least two occasions, and it really shouldn't have. (If we're being written, somehow, it would be annoying if the plot were so predictable.) Hopefully you're not falling for that sort of thinking. The question should always be, what do you want? (...which can include someone else's happiness -- but if it doesn't, then I don't really see any virtue in pretending it does. Be what you're like, be like yourself...)
"Being scared of intimacy" strikes me as too simplistic of an explanation -- a little like "Story" thinking. Maybe it's right, but picture me eyeballing it suspiciously... Intimacy itself isn't scary, I shouldn't think, but maybe something about it is. Being thoroughly examined, and possibly found wanting? Not being able to escape from someone else's disagreement by just walking away? Something. Try to figure out what it is. (Maybe more than one thing.)
Avoid the mortgage, though. I have a whole bunch of related thoughts on that, but it's another kettle of worms entirely... Bring it up if you want more rambling ;-)