(no subject)

At Arisia, zyxwvut pulled me aside to give me some fairly valuable advice, which I have tucked away in the back corner of my head and done my best to remember when I need to.

It occurred to me this morning that really, if I strip the advice of names and situations, I have something much more valuable, a piece of advice that could apply to an awful lot of my life. In essence, don't let the stuff you can't change affect your ability to deal with the stuff you can.¹

The past two days have been rife with things that I can't change in the slightest. Hell, so has the past week, to a certain extent, the past month. I'm not enjoying where² I am at the moment, and while I love all of you, I feel like nothing more than withdrawing forever.

And so here we are. Deep breaths.

Don't let the stuff I can't change fuck up the stuff I can. It's a plan, I guess. I do good with plans.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: And really, that might not have been what Eric thought he was saying, but that's the message I got out of it. Lo, how wondrous to watch language change!

2: In an internal sense. Camberville is still > everywhere else, ever.

!

And you find out you don't have to be happy at all¹
To be happy you're alive

...holy fucking shit, have I mentioned yet how repeatedly Next to Normal gets it absolutely one hundred percent right?

Next to Normal repeatedly gets it absolutely one hundred percent right.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Amusingly, this alone has made me legitimately happier than anything else in the past two days.

A few notes on crushes

One of the ways that I can tell I'm really quite into someone new (or newish), for whatever degree of into that seems relevant, is by how paranoid I get that I am going to ruin everything.

It's almost a badge of honor. If I blush, bury my face in my hands, or curl up into a ball every time I realize I'm babbling, it's because I'm terrified of scaring you off, and think that hiding will work instead. If, post conversation, I shut out the rest of the world for five or ten minutes to float, that's certainly a good sign I'm into you. If instead of floating, I'm cursing myself for being such a vapid idiot around you, and chiding myself for ever believing that someone so excellent would be interested in little old *me* and how dare I waste your time, well, honestly, that's an even *better* sign.

And while I certainly do it *less* in stable relationships, I stick my tongue out in frustration at Kat, and hide my face when I realize I'm babbling to Marc, and fret that Brenton is merely putting up with me. Being paranoid I'm going to ruin everything is pretty much how I handle relationships --it's not exactly a good way of doing so, but I'm working on it. Mostly I'm working on shutting up and keeping the paranoia internal except when it gets really truly bad, so as to not be a nuisence.

But yes. In short, the more I like you, the more I become frustrated with myself over you. Reminds me of a phrase I had aaaaages ago to describe my feelings for a friend when I was mono with Blue --"love you, hate myself for it" relationship.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go bury my face several times over for managing to be such a flighty bimbo in that conversation I just had.

~Sor
MOOP!