(no subject)

There are such things as fun in the world, yesterday was probably not it.

Minor (that's a lie) panic attack and breakdown. And by minor, I mean lasted for something like an hour and a half? Hum

No, the bad part lasted about an hour, then being held by Ksatyr which helped like anything in making me feel safe, then went to Kung-fu for an hour and worked and lost track of life and managed to get myself mostly stable.

Didn't hit catharsispoint (The point where I can tell I'm no longer having a breakdown) until well after I got home, probably not until eight thirty or nine. Found it somewhere in the middle of reading the first chapter of Arrows of the Queen to Ksatyr. So yeah, woo catharsis. :p

***

So yeah. Forcing myself into a mask is good, because it does help calm me down. Going somewhere where I'm forced to do things with my body is good because that both tires me out and refocuses me. Books are good because they continue to be a way to escape, and one I'm unlikely to ever lose.

Breaking down is not so good. What can I say, I'm a fucked up individual, and it's taking me a long time to learn how to fix that. I need to be better at communicating to people (though some things just can't be said in words, especially not in text) and I need to figure out a way to get myself to the point where I can show weakness.

Which, it's really odd to realize, but I really do have serious difficulty with showing weakness of any sort, but especially mental. Call it pride, call it hiding, but I have to be strong for the world, and I need to teach myself that that's not really true.

Pretend that made sense. See above note about being fucked up.

As for right now, I'm okay. I'm masked myself into normality, laughing at Uncyclopedias version of Zork with Becky and generally enjoying life like I normally do.

Underneathe it all, I feel reeeeeeeeally drained though.

Woof. Bells. See yas

~Sor
MOOP!

Grades (and other stuff)

Second Quarter grades:
German II --A
Ancient and Medival History --B (Down from an A last quarter)
Calculus GT --B (Down from an A last quarter)
English 12 AP/GT --A
Stagecraft III --A
Aide (English) --A (No, really? SHOCK!)
Psychology --A (Which I Cluelessed for. I'm so ashamed. :D)

Midterm Grades:
German II --A
Ancient and Medival History --A
Calculus GT --A
English 12 AP/GT --B (Two essays and four paragraphs, done first thing in the morning, on a day when I didn't take my drugs. I'm impressed I swung a B.)
Stagecraft III --A
Aide (English) --A (More shock and awe here. I think my midterm was grading other peoples midterms...)
Psychology --A

So yeah. All that's good, though I can't help but be pissed that my GPA dropped .29 points from last quarter (4.0) to this one (3.71)

Which is a stupid thing to hate. It really really is, I've got no right, no reason to be pissed at myself. It's just...life was a lot easier before I cared about my grades. It really was.

*************

I am feeling better from yesterday. For some version of the word better, at least. Mostly I just feel empty, drained. Too much emotion yesterday, and too melencholy to be able to care about anyone else. The media center did succeed in working as a useful student resource for possibly the first time since tenth grade, which is both shocking and good. Or at least, it sorta did --I managed to curl up in a corner and read sinply by nature of the fact that I probably looked desperate enough to the aide and "a few kids who signed up haven't shown up."

They really shouldn't be allowed to call it a student resource center. Considering that getting in there without a pass is the next thing to impossible, and that they don't provide enough passes, ever. Which leaves me, when I Just Want To Be Alone, stuck downstairs in the atrium in the lunchroom with noise and crowds and people and I just don't want to deal with it some days.

But today, for once, it worked. And that's good, I really needed it to work. I don't even know what I read -some twisted diarytype book tucked in the socio section, I think. For once, I *wasn't* reading the introduction to The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy aloud. (Just as well --I most likely would have started crying) But then again, I kind of left that hobby when I stopped having lunch with Paul.

*************

So, there's this thing I've been working on--it's called 101 in 1001, and the basic idea is to make a list of 101 goals you'd like to achieve in 1001 days and activly work to achieve them. For information past that, see Hier

I basically stumbled across it kittikattie's journal and became quite enamoured of the idea. If I start my list soon, I'm looking at a deadline of the very end of October/beginning of November.

I'm nearly done writing my 101 goals (12 to go!) and from there...we'll see. Maybe I'll forget about the project completely, maybe I'll actually do it all. If it's the latter, you lot will get to enjoy loads more of my blathering, as I bitch about how hard/stupid/complicated/time consuming/confining my goals were and how dumb I was for choosing them.

(Ha, and I just thought of one more to toss on there --finish reading Discworld. Eleven to go!)

Sooooooooo yeah. That's really life right now. Working on that, keeping up with school, trying to keep up with life and emotions and friends and drama and All That. Oh, and Dragon Dance. Which, I have to say, is probably one of the coolest things I have ever been a part of in my entire life. I get to run around with a DRAGON! Rarrrr!!

(Kung-fu is so cool. ^.^^)
((Jesus, that's a Blueism, isn't it? Man, I need to talk to that girl again. It's been agggggeeees since I saw her last. And she still has my comics, damn her!))
(((Parenthenses!)))

*************

So yeah, I'm getting better I think. I really am happy about my grades, I just really really wish I didn't have any B's. Which, compared to my grades for the past three years, is a "You're pushing your luck, moron" sort of wish.

And I reeeeeeally want to get rejected from all the colleges I applyed to. Please. Just let me know I got my applications in and you noticed. It'd be nice to be accepted, but really I'm just tired of all this WAITING!

That's all for now.

~Katarina/Sorcyress
MOOP!

(((P.S: Kaaaaaaat! I have a story that I need to finish typing for you! (I was going to type it yesterday for cloniversaryness but...yeah.) It is a story full of things you will like, like the Doctor and a certain insane barber...)))

Possibly my favourite historical figure ever.

Le gasp! I completely missed the death day of one of The Most Interesting Men in the World!!

I am teh failz.

Take a moment to help me ease my guilt by clicking the linky above and learning about Joshua A Norton --Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico.

He is the frigging MAN! Seriously, I have seen cool, and this is cooler then that.

See you for more Emporer Norton I type lovings next January Eighth! (His official deathday.)

~Sor
MOOP!

Quote of the Day!

Ksatyr: Kat is doing the cube
Ksatyr: only she gave up
Ksatyr: sigh
Veronica: then teach her better
Veronica: then she may reward you
Katarina: Excuse me?
Veronica: you could give him a hug
Veronica: sheesh what did you think i was talking about
Veronica: ?
Me: Veronica. It's you. You were secretly talking about your boobs, whether you admit it or not
Me: You are like freud, only with your bosom
Veronica: what?

Yes, I'm using myself as the quote of the day. Only because it is TRUTH! With Freud, all roads lead to your mother. With V, all roads lead to her bosom. :D

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I love you! Don't hurt me!!!

~Sor
MOOP!