This is not a happy entry.
Mar. 3rd, 2008 06:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressThis is not a happy entry.
***
For years and years, I was always the sane kid.
Me and Nik and Aly are all three little fuck-ups, in a lot of the same ways. But time went on, and things happened for them that never seemed to need to happen for me --Aly got diagnosed with ADD, Nik got tested, both of them came out the better for the expirience.
Eleventh grade, I was barely holding on to that sanity. Somewhere in the middle of the year, it all seemed to snap away, and I had my first (and worst) panic attack. I broke down, in the middle of history class, in the middle of a *test* and eventually left early. For a couple months, I had been visiting Mrs. Kamerman, my guidance counselor, just for an hour or so every week or two. Talk things out, rant about the stuff that sucked, the stuff that didn't suck. It was a continuation from the year before, tenth grade, when things were *really* bad for me, and having someone to talk to was just really really good.
But I broke down. I didn't know what else to do, I left class and walked down to the guidance office, both crying and pretending I wasn't. I sat on her floor --I always sat on the floor, never in a chair-- and sobbed, while she called my mom, to get me out of school. She sat with me and helped me through the worst of the attack.
At her reccomendation, that was the start of my actual therapy, Thursdays after school, just talking to -how'd Mad Magazine put it?- at least one adult who didn't treat me like a stupid kid. I stopped going to see Miss Kamerman as often, even though I felt she understood some of my weirdness better.
The actual therepy led to actual testing, and in February 2006, I was diagnosed with ADHD --one of the better things to ever happen to me. I call starting my meds, and being able to begin to get a handle on myself the second best thing to ever happen to me. It's probably close to true.
Miss Kamerman died early this morning, from complications involved with a stroke. She helped me through the worst of high school, and was the only adult in the school willing to step up and take the role of advisor for the Day-Straight Alliance. That's how I remember her, as fighting for us and our rights, and for taking care of me.
May the gods of her choosing bless her.
***
I'm in...a weird place right now. I wandered through my last class, and through hanging out with Kelsey and Lezzie-Beth, laughing and pretending all was right in the world, while on the edges of my mind, there's just this tremendous sense of loss.
Please forgive me if I'm more emo than usual over the next few days.
~Katarina
moop.
***
For years and years, I was always the sane kid.
Me and Nik and Aly are all three little fuck-ups, in a lot of the same ways. But time went on, and things happened for them that never seemed to need to happen for me --Aly got diagnosed with ADD, Nik got tested, both of them came out the better for the expirience.
Eleventh grade, I was barely holding on to that sanity. Somewhere in the middle of the year, it all seemed to snap away, and I had my first (and worst) panic attack. I broke down, in the middle of history class, in the middle of a *test* and eventually left early. For a couple months, I had been visiting Mrs. Kamerman, my guidance counselor, just for an hour or so every week or two. Talk things out, rant about the stuff that sucked, the stuff that didn't suck. It was a continuation from the year before, tenth grade, when things were *really* bad for me, and having someone to talk to was just really really good.
But I broke down. I didn't know what else to do, I left class and walked down to the guidance office, both crying and pretending I wasn't. I sat on her floor --I always sat on the floor, never in a chair-- and sobbed, while she called my mom, to get me out of school. She sat with me and helped me through the worst of the attack.
At her reccomendation, that was the start of my actual therapy, Thursdays after school, just talking to -how'd Mad Magazine put it?- at least one adult who didn't treat me like a stupid kid. I stopped going to see Miss Kamerman as often, even though I felt she understood some of my weirdness better.
The actual therepy led to actual testing, and in February 2006, I was diagnosed with ADHD --one of the better things to ever happen to me. I call starting my meds, and being able to begin to get a handle on myself the second best thing to ever happen to me. It's probably close to true.
Miss Kamerman died early this morning, from complications involved with a stroke. She helped me through the worst of high school, and was the only adult in the school willing to step up and take the role of advisor for the Day-Straight Alliance. That's how I remember her, as fighting for us and our rights, and for taking care of me.
May the gods of her choosing bless her.
***
I'm in...a weird place right now. I wandered through my last class, and through hanging out with Kelsey and Lezzie-Beth, laughing and pretending all was right in the world, while on the edges of my mind, there's just this tremendous sense of loss.
Please forgive me if I'm more emo than usual over the next few days.
~Katarina
moop.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
on 2008-03-04 12:12 am (UTC)I get the feeling she'll always be right by your side anyways, like she always has been.
no subject
on 2008-03-04 12:26 am (UTC)no subject
on 2008-03-04 01:14 am (UTC)no subject
on 2008-03-04 01:16 am (UTC)no subject
on 2008-03-04 01:46 am (UTC)no subject
on 2008-03-04 01:46 am (UTC)I might go to the memorial, if I can find a ride. If you can get permission to come back from school for a few days, you should come.
I wish more people had the chance to know her...
_____________________________________
As for you, no one will catch attitude over you being upset. And if they do, they're jackasses anyway.
<3
~Amber
no subject
on 2008-03-04 02:35 am (UTC)But for someone far away also a happy story.
I lost my adopted "step-mom" a couple years back, the person without whom I could not be here doing what I do. Living our lives as these people allowed is a testament to them and a gift to us.
Love.
no subject
on 2008-03-04 03:09 am (UTC)no subject
on 2008-03-04 03:11 am (UTC)no subject
on 2008-03-04 03:33 am (UTC)If you need an actual hug/shoulder/ear, you know where I am. :-)
no subject
on 2008-03-04 03:34 am (UTC)no subject
on 2008-03-04 04:08 am (UTC)You don't get to choose your family and sometimes your teachers are simply thrust upon you, but there are usually a handful of these souls who will have lasting good impact on your life.
When you think of her, think of what she did for you. You'll find comfort and strength even if she's gone. That's what good teachers do. They stay with you for good.
Hugs from afar...
no subject
on 2008-03-04 04:42 am (UTC)i also lost someone, last week. fucking hurts.
don't pretend, just feel what you feel. tell folks-they'll get it, and it will help.
allow yourself to grieve.
she gave you something special-you were blessed. and she was blessed to know you, too.
no subject
on 2008-03-04 04:57 am (UTC)no subject
on 2008-03-05 04:10 am (UTC)no subject
on 2008-03-08 07:26 pm (UTC)I am glad to know you, and therefore glad you're still here, and therefore thankful for all the people who participated in you being here, even if I never meet them.
no subject
on 2008-03-15 06:33 am (UTC)