sorcyress | Entries tagged with demigoddex of dance

Tonight was _stellar_.

I didn't necessarily expect it to be. But the dances for demo team are coming along pretty well and I had a nice time there. Dancing with my dance-sis¹ is often a really good experience, and tonight felt really good...of course, part of what felt so stunning there was the bit of Village Reel, a dance we have done together literally hundreds of times for candidate class.

Then I went straight from demo team to BIDA! I started by sitting on the steps outside and eating a granola bar, since I know myself, and I know that while I can and often do enjoy contra dancing, I also sometimes get too snobbish for it and have less fun than I would if I could more easily turn off some of the more precision-oriented bits of my brain and just vibe. Eating beforehand will _definitely_ move the needle away from "grouch"² and back towards "enjoyable dance friend". Eating a granola bar on the steps of BIDA means apparently quickly chatting with three different friendly acquaintances. Good shit!

I finished my food and went in to dance! And the dance...oh man! The band we had was called Countercurrent and _holy shit_. I am incredibly charmed to have looked up their website and found a blurb saying "How does so much music come from just two people?!” because I pretty much said exactly that somewhere in my second dance through.

I like dancing because I like moving, and the ways in which I can dance require pretty much any kind of music, including none at all. But it is a truth universally recognized that the better the music gets, the easier it gets. And this band was absolutely in the category of better. So I was set up already to have a very good time of things (from community and friends and loved ones) and then and then _and then_ it was just absolutely knocked out of the park by a caller who knew what he was doing, calling dances well that were interesting and fun, and accompanied by a band that repeatedly distracted me away from just dancing because they were _so good_ to listen to.

I am pleased to be trying to fit BIDA in on some Sundays after demo team, even if that does make for quite a lot of dancing. I know not every week will be this good, but I am so happy to have gotten this energy and joy to take me through this next week of work. I hope you are also finding things to make you happy!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: For the first round of candidte class, the five of us decided we were siblings. So I have three dance -sisters and a dance brother. They're good people and I love them!

2: A (male) friend of mine was talking about a contra behavior that made him "grouchy" and while talking further I said something about my own responses to the same behavior being "bitchy" and I realized that that's a cruel word for many reasons. But actually, I think grouchy is absolutely the word I mean a lot of the time when I say I'm feeling bitchy, and so I'm gonna try and get serious about dropping the b-word from my vocabulary, because sluring women is kinda not cool and I shouldn't get away with it just because I caucus with them sometimes.

After my candidate exam, and after I got the results, and after everything else that was going on that week I sat and I processed and I wrote some words in my BehindTheWalls file. I wrote a longer entry there than any other I've written in this particular manifestation, and I feel it's an interesting turning point for my life as a whole. Absolutely not, you can't ask to know more.

Here is a line from the middle of it:

I was not fake. I was there. I was present. I was…what is the opposite of dissociating?

I'm pretty sure now the answer, for me, is dancing. Music: loud, howl along to a voice more powerful than my own, move body, move self, dance. If I am able to dance, and to sing, and to listen, and to pray, and to cast then I am more fully existent than I am at any other moment. Nothing else I do can make the spell-prickles run along my skin and the dark place that is my Self open and bear witness to the universe.

Reference, please, this entry about being a Demigoddex of Dance.

The corollary is that you have never seen me fully present unless you've seen me dance for myself. Despite my Truth that I will dance in subway cars and on rain-soaked streets, I am often more reluctant to do so before friends. Perhaps they will think me odd and it tucks the thing away.

(Perhaps they will think I am seeking attention. I am not performing for them, I am not performing at all. If I am dancing like the opposite-of-dissociating, it's entirely a selfish act.)

Anyways, tonight's playlist, howled along to and moved where permissible while riding my bicycle home on city streets:

Cheshire Kitten, s00j (Still sobbing, not-quite-back from someElsewhere of pain)
Alligator in the House, s00j (And ah, and yes, and this is the correct thing to do and of course I will move as I remount the bicycle it is a tango after all)
Go Away Godboy, s00j (Hail SJ, full of grace)
Glashtyn Shanty, s00j
Cheshire Kitten, again
Never Look Away, Vienna (I want to witness the beauty of your repair)
The Tower, Vienna
Level Up, Vienna (The last lines whispered with a wry grin outside 19 Banks street)
Go Away Godboy, again
Don't Stop Believing, Journey (Starting as I park the bicycle, and finished with me lying back on my own safe little bed)

If you don't think I'm a terrifyingly powerful beast, it's because you've never actually Seen me.

~Sor
MOOP!

Brain ebbs and brain flows. Right now, I'm in a good space. More worrisome, I'm on day two or three of a good space, which means my entire life is going to come crashing down like day after tomorrow.

On the plus side I got put on another therapist's waiting list, and I have an appointment on Monday for potential intake/placement. Whee! And I have most of the next two weeks essentially off, which means I'm gonna have fuckall ability to get shit done, of course, because no routine.

Sometimes I can't tell whether I'm being depressed or realistic and it's annoying as hell.

Anywho, a quick todo list for the next few days:
TMC minutes, Pinewoods costuming and packing, apply for all the jobs, maybe work some? Work on my room for suresies. I should probably make some Active Effort on getting my place into some semblance of livable --I'd like to have access to a desk again (especially because then I could reinstate the rule where I'm not allowed to use the lappy in bed which might be good.)

What else...

Last night's dance was _really good_. It was solely dances from books 1-3, which means among other things we got to do the SCD version of the Virginia Reel. (People get annoyed by this sort of thing, which means I go up to both the teacher and the teacher-coordinator and explicitly anti-complain about having weird historical stuff to try).

There were some other really (physically) hard dances too, and the whole thing ended off with Mari's Wedding. This is great, except that my legs hurt and I have a billion hours of squares and rounds today and then highland tomorrow. I look forward to continuing to torment my body (I should do my pushups).

I have made a new friend! It's a new internet friend, which is the _best kind_. His name is Quads (well okay, technically it's something about quadrilaterals, but I started calling him Quads and then he changed his nick to match so I'm going with it) and he's into musical theatre and used to dance. I met him through the most recent incarnation of The Pie Shop, which let me tell you it is so important to my brain to have access to an IRC-like, apparently. Not enough for me to actually get into IRC (because honestly, at least half of the desire is a place to chill with mek), but having a general chatroom to harass people and the like is great.

I should really get into Slack, shouldn't I?

I've also _finally_ put together my Dreamwidth friends list, so I can actually come read over here. This is a good thing! This means I'ma read LONG FORM BLOGGING! And then maybe someday I will comment on LONG FORM BLOGGING and even get more people to do it, damnit.

Dunno. Not too much else to say, but glad to be saying things. This has been a bad year for writing AND LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN DEPRESSION GETTING WORSE AND NOT WRITING NOPE.

Hearts and stuff.

~Sor
MOOP!

Tamra looked at me a couple times while she was visiting, and pointed out that I get really passionate when I talk about dancing. Like, she can tell it's important to me --tell that it's one of the most important things in my life-- because of the way I light up, and start moving, and stumble over my words in my haste and enthusiasm to explain everything I love about it.

During the social part of professional development this afternoon, I found myself doing it again. I was talking with one of the ELL specialists, about language and music and dance, and my whole body just felt electric and engaged. She seemed entirely charmed, and not at all horrified by my exuberance, which I found very polite. When I think about it harder, I find it not polite but _correct_ that she be charmed, because people being passionate and sharing knowledge is the most charming thing, and yes Kat, that applies to you too.

(I will never win the war against my own self-esteem, but I'll be damnded if I give up on it without a fight.)

Dancing is important.
Dancing is incredibly important.
Dancing is, if not the single most important verb in my life, certainly in the top three¹, and my life would be radically, shatteringly, different (and worse) without it.

Dancing is an activity that has significant connections to freedom, sex, kink and power dynamics, kinesthesia and body awareness, gender, GENDER, costuming, teaching and learning, performance, mathematics and patterns, joy, flirtation, and fun. That list is basically the complete "things wot Kat will perk up for", minus the spiders and board games, and both of those can be found in spades at Pinewoods.

I love dancing. If this post somehow does not convince you, catch me in person and measure the jump in wattage behind my eyes when you ask me to explain the differences between "allemandes" throughout set dances. I love dancing and I am fucking passionate about it. If I could spend all my time and energy on it, I easily would.

So.

I have been spending a lot of serious time with people who are serious believers in Getting Things Done and changing the rules of the world until it is working for you and your passions. I don't know that Tamra was specifically scouting me for life-coaching, but then again, I don't know that she wasn't either, and a lot of her other observations/suggestions re: my life were the sorts of things that made me wish it was socially acceptable to carry a notepad and transcribe constant notes from casual conversations.

I am passionate about dance. What can I do with this. How can I --for lack of a better term-- monetize my passion.

(It's not about making money. ~~It's about taking money. Destroying the status quo because the status is NOT quo~~ It's about creating a world for myself where I can spend as much of my time as possible doing things that make me wave my hands around and physically bounce up and down. There are two ways to find this world, and one of them involves finding a method of capital acquisition that I love so much that I feel genuine joy participating in it².)

How can I work out my world so that, at the very least, I get to engage, and meta-engage, in this most wonderful activity as often as possible.

How can I bring my passion to other people, how can I find other people with similar minds, how can I better do teaching, and outreach, and gosh I don't even know.

Dancing is important. How do I bring it to the rest of the world?

I'm gonna keep mulling this over in the near future. In the meantime, well, if only there were some sort of dedicated space online to put these sorts of thoughts.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: It ranks behind writing and ahead of teaching, but then we get into verb-combination and sometimes I get to teach people to dance.

2: The other involves finding a method that will get me as much capital as possible, in as little time as possible, and then spending all of my non-capital-achieving hours engaging in activities that bring me genuine joy. There's a third method, but I'm no good at dismantling capitalism.

Crossposts: http://kdsorceress.livejournal.com/718822.html

Online, I am starting the New Year by having an argument with one of my currently closest friends who, in my defense, is doing some seriously stupid shit at the moment. Like, I'm sorry, but it is not actually hard to not put my professional/legal name alongside my handle, thanks.

(He is properly chagrined and all, but still! Not an auspicious beginning.)

Offline, I started the New Year by singing, by holding hands with old friends and new friends. Then, for the first time in my life, I started the New Year with a waltz. I've never waltzed so soon before. It remains the thing that feels most necessary of my dancing --I could live without the rest of it, if I had to.

(Well, maybe. All dance is a thing I need when you come right down to it. Waltzing is just the one that grabs me by the heart and reaffirms my sense of need. Waltzing is the dance I am good at, not just pretending and flailing and faking my way through the movements. Dancing can be any level of frivolity, performed for any dozens of reasons. Not waltzing. Waltzing is always done because it matters.)

And this morning I had waffles amongst good company, making that twice in a row now for New Years Day. I flirted with a tall boy in a cravat who told me he was the Mayor of Philadelphia and was there to personally welcome me to the city. I snuggled with a girl I do not see very often at all. I was granted a new inspiration for decorating my walls, and a new recipe for gluten free waffles.

I think 2013 will be okay.

~Sor
MOOP!

Crossposts: http://kdsorceress.livejournal.com/650286.html

When I last did that meme, Tucker gave me other things too. He also gave me:

( Clocks, Glasses, Your Favourite Tree, and Dance )

***

No, you cannot comment on both that post and this and get twice as many things to write about, especially when I am still behind on giving out sets of things, aiee!

~Sor
MOOP!

Crossposts: http://kdsorceress.livejournal.com/627616.html

I realized, on further consideration while seated in the stairwell where I am not meant to be, still not home because the promise of safety was too tempting, and then the floor too distracting, that I have not had a final waltz tonight.

(I sat, very specifically out, and was told by a friend that he saw why I had such high standards for waltzing.)

And so, nevermind that dancing was long done an hour ago even, and my muscles are cold, and I am wearing sneakers and jeans, I determine that indeed, a final waltz is in order. For want of a proper partner, I select myself, and for want of a band, I polite request that Miss Vera Serenfreude volunteer. She complies, and so a song is played.

And some nights, it helps to wash the pain away with good cheer, and I applaud those nights with a full heart when they arise. But others, it is recognized useless to even try, and truly, the best way to fight some moods is to let them win.

Freedom is being alone. I fear liberation.

Which is not quite appropriate, but the pain in the words is there, and even if it is not my exact pain, it helps. I howl along in points, and sob at others, and more important than any and all else, I dance. It is not a pretty dance, or organized, or well thought out, but it is perfectly honest, and when it comes down to it, honesty is more important than aesthetics when one's partner is themselves.

And so I leave this message for you, Sorceress Katarina R. Ruth de D. de Whimsy de A. de MOOP! den Boston den Earth den MOOP! ged Athe ged Gaea (because such messages sent to the future must have all the appropriate names and titles listed, lest they arrive in the wrong hands.)

Dance. Give your pain to movement, and nevermind that you are cold and ache and have vision blurred by tears. There has not been better therapy devised by mortals or gods for you than this, and you would be ill advised by your self to attempt a faulty substitute. Shut the doors and pull the shades and just fucking dance.

It helps.

~Me.
MOOP!

((And to those who wonder and worry, the dancing was preceded by writing, for if dance is my therapy, writing is my sanity. The words are harsh and made in pain, but the messages are there to be sorted on the morrow. More stable responses will be made, Conversations will be had, and everything will be better tomorrow, simply by nature of the fact that I will have traveled through time until I reach such a day, and the sheer idea is a delight all by itself. Think of tonight not as a problem, rather the first step of a solution. Good day and good night.))

So yeah. Dancing: good. Being able to sleep in: good. Remembering to take my meds like a good girl: good. Getting enough to eat last night, honesty, kitties: good, good, good.

Sorcy feeling less emo? Fan*tas*tic. [/Ecclston¹!Who]

***

( Dancing babbling, this cut is only an expiriment )

***

Hey, wanna know what's decidedly uncool? Rehersal nights are Mondays (SCD), Wednesdays (Meaning I'm in class from one until five fifteen, and then in rehersal from six until ten, hatehate), and Thursdays (Game night at Dan4th's.)

Also, Sunday mornings (meaning I can't stay over at anyones house on Saturday nights) and tech on Saturday mornings (meaning I can't stay over at anyones house on Friday nights.) Mantra to be repeated until the thirteenth of April: I really do love the theatre. I really do love the theatre. I really do love the theatre.

Unrelatedly, NTS, I need to look up when/where/how much NEFFA is. Oh, hot damn, they have the whole "volunteer and get in free" thing going. Sorcy likes, yep.

***

Right! I'm going to...uhm...accomplish things? Like what, there's nothing *to* accomplish today. Well, I could go clean my room. Eh, maybe. AT ANY RATE!

*waves and runs off*

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Have I mentioned yet that it took me until I actually *listened* to the lyrics of Science Fiction / Double Feature again to get Claude (from Heroes)'s name? Yeah, I am just that ditzy.

2: Turning waltz --Viennese style, I think?

I am in a good mood right now. Note: Apathetic moods are never good, but their not bad either. I am not currently apathetic, I am very pleased with myself.

I cleaned the basement up, all by myself even. And then I danced.

And I know that sounds like one of those random things I say at times, but I actually did dance around after I was done, since I still had several songs left on the CD I was listening to and I couldn't just abandon them now could I? They would be sad and lonely that way.

So I'm currently in a good mood since I cleaned something up, which always sunnifies my life and then I danced, which also helps sunnify my life.

Is sunnify even a word?

It is now!

Anyway, in the recent past, I went to moms birthday party,, which I could give all the juciy details on and all the whatnot, but I'm much to lazy to, and besides, I still need to write about camp.

*thinks momentary dark thoughts having nothing to do with camp*

I mean...

*happy*

I'm in kind of a quirky mood right now. Does it show?

Anyway, I have to go to bed now. Goodnight.

~Sorceress/Kat

MOOP!

COUNTDOWN:
My Birthday: 12 Days
School Starts: 14 Days
Veronicas Birthday: 15 Days
Jeremy's Birthday: 18 Days

Original Tags: cleaning, countdowns, wyo, parties, dancing, rlife, selfchat

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: None, I'm currently burning Flood onto a CD

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Katarina Whimsy

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MOOP!

The Rantings of a Terminal Optimist

Entries tagged with demigoddex of dance

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I'm tired of hiding.

Dance babblings and general no-longer-emo ness

PLOOOOOT!!

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