(no subject)
Jan. 27th, 2021 12:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressWell...
Okay, look. Things weren't as bad as yesterday. They weren't _good_ --critically, note that I did not get my self-directed-therapy-time1 in or my power hour-- but they weren't awful. Some good things I did today:
*I took a shower! Yay, clean!
*I biked to Davis to pick up my meds! Yay meds! Yay physical activity and being outside briefly!
*I hung out with Ezri downstairs and helped cook dinner. Yay dinner!
*Also we watched a bunch of Parks and Rec episodes. Yay television!
*I'm on track to go to bed by one AM, which is only two hours after my bedtime. Y-yay?
And this doesn't sound like much to me and it doesn't seem like much, but you know what I *didn't* do today? I didn't play nine straight hours of video games. Which unfortunately, is not the same as "didn't play video games" but it's honestly a non-zero amount of accomplishment, and yep, I am so fucking burned out and Depressed right now that it counts.
(Why does Depressed get the big-D? Because I'm not _sad_ I'm just completely not doing anything with my life in any way shape or form right now, and if that's not some kind of Depression, I don't know what is. As always, I'm not gonna kill myself, but the question of "are you engaging in self-harm" gets real iffy when you step away from the obvious things (no I am not cutting myself or bashing my head into walls or wevs) and into the nebulous.
Like...I should probably have sharper bedtimes and try to get more regular sleep. It would be really good of me to go outside every day and maybe keep my body a little active. Spending all the time forever staring at electronics screens is not actually good for my eyes or head. Maybe work would be less stressful if I actually did some of it (like, I'm prepping lessons but grading is a distant memory and don't even ask about parent communication.)
So yeah, I'm definitely not engaging in active self-harm, but big oof on the "and what about passive?" question. And the worst of it is that I'm most-of-the-time not _sad_. It's not that I'm happy, but I'm so overwhelmingly numbly neutral that I can't be arsed to notice things aren't going well, or stop myself from chasing a wee bit of dopamine found from four hours of twitter or whatever.)
And like, probably seventy-five percent of the answer to this is "it's a traumatic pandemic, stupid" and it's not like anyone's doing well. And of course, many of the things that would make it better are inaccessible, and just more keep appearing as time unspools and we look at a second summer without Pinewoods2. And not only are we losing positive things, but we're gaining negatives, as I try to keep track of which students have parents sick with covid in the lead-up to reopening the schools3
But things today were not as bad as yesterday. I am trying really _really_ hard to introduce more mindfulness into my brain --to actually try and be conscious of what I'm doing and whether it's a useful thing to be doing in that moment. It's...mixed bag.
I hope you're doing as well as you can, under the circumstances.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: I'm currently only seeing Jenn every other week, and the bargain I have struck with myself is "use the off time to work on things". It is...kinda bad that I didn't, but I'm not sure when I can make it up for myself.
2: THIS IS ME MOPING. THIS IS NOT AN OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT. THIS JOURNAL IS UNAFFILIATED WITH RSCDS BOSTON. Let me assure you, just because I'm the Scottish PW co-chair does *not* mean I have any additional information about what's happening to camp this summer.
3: I won't have to go in until probably March at the earliest, but it's a weird time and I'm worried for my coworkers, and also the students this sucks for.
Okay, look. Things weren't as bad as yesterday. They weren't _good_ --critically, note that I did not get my self-directed-therapy-time1 in or my power hour-- but they weren't awful. Some good things I did today:
*I took a shower! Yay, clean!
*I biked to Davis to pick up my meds! Yay meds! Yay physical activity and being outside briefly!
*I hung out with Ezri downstairs and helped cook dinner. Yay dinner!
*Also we watched a bunch of Parks and Rec episodes. Yay television!
*I'm on track to go to bed by one AM, which is only two hours after my bedtime. Y-yay?
And this doesn't sound like much to me and it doesn't seem like much, but you know what I *didn't* do today? I didn't play nine straight hours of video games. Which unfortunately, is not the same as "didn't play video games" but it's honestly a non-zero amount of accomplishment, and yep, I am so fucking burned out and Depressed right now that it counts.
(Why does Depressed get the big-D? Because I'm not _sad_ I'm just completely not doing anything with my life in any way shape or form right now, and if that's not some kind of Depression, I don't know what is. As always, I'm not gonna kill myself, but the question of "are you engaging in self-harm" gets real iffy when you step away from the obvious things (no I am not cutting myself or bashing my head into walls or wevs) and into the nebulous.
Like...I should probably have sharper bedtimes and try to get more regular sleep. It would be really good of me to go outside every day and maybe keep my body a little active. Spending all the time forever staring at electronics screens is not actually good for my eyes or head. Maybe work would be less stressful if I actually did some of it (like, I'm prepping lessons but grading is a distant memory and don't even ask about parent communication.)
So yeah, I'm definitely not engaging in active self-harm, but big oof on the "and what about passive?" question. And the worst of it is that I'm most-of-the-time not _sad_. It's not that I'm happy, but I'm so overwhelmingly numbly neutral that I can't be arsed to notice things aren't going well, or stop myself from chasing a wee bit of dopamine found from four hours of twitter or whatever.)
And like, probably seventy-five percent of the answer to this is "it's a traumatic pandemic, stupid" and it's not like anyone's doing well. And of course, many of the things that would make it better are inaccessible, and just more keep appearing as time unspools and we look at a second summer without Pinewoods2. And not only are we losing positive things, but we're gaining negatives, as I try to keep track of which students have parents sick with covid in the lead-up to reopening the schools3
But things today were not as bad as yesterday. I am trying really _really_ hard to introduce more mindfulness into my brain --to actually try and be conscious of what I'm doing and whether it's a useful thing to be doing in that moment. It's...mixed bag.
I hope you're doing as well as you can, under the circumstances.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: I'm currently only seeing Jenn every other week, and the bargain I have struck with myself is "use the off time to work on things". It is...kinda bad that I didn't, but I'm not sure when I can make it up for myself.
2: THIS IS ME MOPING. THIS IS NOT AN OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT. THIS JOURNAL IS UNAFFILIATED WITH RSCDS BOSTON. Let me assure you, just because I'm the Scottish PW co-chair does *not* mean I have any additional information about what's happening to camp this summer.
3: I won't have to go in until probably March at the earliest, but it's a weird time and I'm worried for my coworkers, and also the students this sucks for.
no subject
on 2021-01-27 07:48 am (UTC)But present-me is also giving present-me some slack because traumatic pandemic, and I'm looking at the self-care wins when they happen. (Got my annual physical this week; most things are in good shape and we're working on the one that isn't...which is probably also taking a hit from the pandemic.)
Also, someone interrupted my Twitter doomscrolling with nice pictures.
no subject
on 2021-01-28 03:32 pm (UTC)Oh, and depressed, but what else is new?
I do highly recommend exercise* and getting outside, though.
Also, seconding (thirding?) you on giving myself some slack because devastating pandemic.
* Though since you totally kick my ass at biking, I don't really need to tell you.